Re: The immovable object.
MyRev: Appreciate your understanding. Yes, I see this as better than drugs or alcohol to medicate my distress. Not to be too down on drugs, because since H2 got the MM card for her cancer she has been much more pleasant most of the time. I don't know how much it helps with the cancer / treatment symptoms but it sure as heck makes her easier to be around. But I am a licensed professional so no illegal meds for me. I do have a drink occasionally after work but I think obsessive posting is better than obsessive drinking.
And trust me, an absolutely sexless marriage is much easier for me to tolerate than the old 1 - 10 times a year. As you dial it back from 50 to 25 to 5 the pain goes up exponentially. But when you get to zero and stay there as a matter of choice, the bulk of the pain goes away. As if by magic. You might think zero would be worse than 5 but it is much less burdensome. At 5, every moment you are together you are thinking maybe this will the time you can have sex again. But at 0, you know it isn't going to happen so the thought "how should I behave to maximize the chances of sex" disappears. And that thought is the source of much anxiety. It is a huge relief to be able to think to yourself "wow, I can do whatever I want because it will have no impact on whether sex happens".
Plus it radically changes the power dynamic. Before, the LD has total control because they can dangle or withhold sex. After, the LD has lost their primary lever. Makes the playing field for negotiation much more level. That feels better.
Finally, when you are as lousy in bed as I am, you eventually realize that sex is not about shared joy, it is about imposing yourself on your partner and them being too polite to admit what is happening. And who wants more of that?
When you can see it coming, duck!
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