She had the typical litany of excuses. They never added up. They never explained why we had almost no sex on our honeymoon. Each MC and sex therapist eventually realized that my behavior (the alleged cause of her disinterest) was not so poor as to justify never having sex with me. At that point each course MC or ST ran into a brick wall. So we switched to another counsellor, hping they had a system or technique that would help us. But it never worked. It could never work. We were not addressing the core issue.
That's not the point. What seems 'not so poor behaviour' to your MC is not really relevant. You are not trying to have sex with the MC...It seems she never truly explained that aspect to you. It's possible some people can never talk but I would have pushed this aspect more. Can you not ask her now? after all these years? Perhaps there won't be any pressure for her to tell you since you can tell her that you are not seeking to have sex with her anymore but asking just to satisfy your curiosity.
H2 worked full time for several years before we got married. Stopped working when we had kids. Works flexible job now. Takes so many gigs that it is full time (more, she works weekends too), but very low pay. She likes it and likes the flexibility to take off whenever she wants and go visit the kids (who both live far away). She said she would take a full time job when both kids were in college but first the illness intervened and now she likes her flexibility too much to get 9-5 weekday job with limited vacation.
As for the rapes, I know very little. All before we met. I know approximately when they happened. She says they do not affect her sexuality. I don't believe her but that is not up for discussion. No, she will not seek help, as in her mind they are not currently relevant.
Absolutely no way. This is most probably the number one reason. I am surprised the MC did not do anything with this information! (doesn't sound like you have a good MC so far...).
When I met her I couldn't understand why a woman who had so much going for her chose me. I thought it was her bad acne, life events such as moving often and never feeling like she belonged where she was. Only years later did I realize why I was so appealing to her. And why we are so mismatched. Well, perfect in a way, Perfectly designed to drive each other crazy. Perfectly designed to trigger both s strong desire and our respective fear / anxiety / shame. Perfectly designed to be impossible to leave.
I am not interested in another partner. I have never had a fulfilling sexual relationship and don't expect to ever have one. That is why it is fairly easy to live without sex now that I am old and have even more performance problems than previously. That is why I was so easy to entrap. I was inexperienced, anxious, bumbling. Quite a dud. She accepted me. I did not realize why at the time. By the time I realized we were far too entwined for me to exit. At this time I see no point. I am not exposing my inadequacy to another woman. Might as well not have sex with the mother of my children but have a standing date for Saturday night than be alone.
I can see why this makes sense to you. I am not sure I agree.
The thing is, we go through life, narrating it to ourselves. And very often life turns out pretty similarly to what we narrate. If you convince yourself that you don't 'deserve something', whether it is true or not (it's not), it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and, perversely, you don't stop until this state is reached. I know this doesn't help now. But I think you are at a point where you can still make many improvements to what you have and a lot of it has to do with your attitude. Focus on one aspect at a time that you want to improve in your relationship or in your life (and never think you 'don't deserve it') and you'll get there eventually. (I don't really know what it is, currently, so am left to these cliche generalizations). Read some books on visualisation techniques (visualising your goals). It does work.
What about your own childhood? I hope there wasn't a parent who kept telling you that you were no good for anything.
I have not made the best of anything. I am sure I have set a bad example for my kids. However, I was worried that H2, left to her own devices, might be worse despite how much she adores them and caters to them. She would remarry and step parenting is always a challenge. We work very well as a parenting team. Better than either on our own. Both kids are doing well academically. It remains to be seen how they will do romantically. They both struggle in different ways. I fear our cursed relationship may echo down the generations. Pretty much every set of parents messes up their kids in one way or another. I hope our kids can learn to deal with how we messed them up.
Here, you are already narrating the life for your kids...You really have to stop doing it. You haven't messed anyone up.
Yes, I think she loves me. More now than ever before. I think she would try harder now to make herself available than she ever did before. I am too broken to deal with that. I can't accept duty / pity sex a a loving gesture. I have too much shame. Do I love her? I care for her deeply. But I don't love myself enough to love anyone properly. So yes, I think I deserve this. I am not trying to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy.
Ok, seriously. You have to stop it. Everyone deserves happiness. No one deserves unhappiness. You are not special in that respect (
If you were persistent enough (and got your wife to sort out her rape problem with a good shrink), a lot of men 'address' their 'inadequacy complex' in the bedroom, by getting 'punished' by their dom spouse. That's a much 'healthier' way than building resentment towards your wife (and more towards yourself). I can tell this would probably be up your street
It's really not too late. Find a shrink for your wife who specialised in rape victims first. I am absolutely gobsmacked that it's just been left like this.