A note from a semi-frequent lurker and even more semi frequent poster on TAM. I was also a frequent visitor and read though many of your posts on the MB forums for a year or two back in the day, and I did in fact participate in one or two of your posts.
I have visited the MB forums on occasions during the last few years, but it seems to me that some of the veterans there seem to be so set in certain ways, and not particularly welcoming, that most new posters often feel thrashed and their questions not addressed, and the ‘case count’ seems to have decreased significantly.
Reading your post here in TAM, I see that there is nothing new for Hold under the sun, even after all these years. You post are filled with total resignation, and with the purpose of warning others to not follow your example.
Fair enough. You have been given all manner of advice, suggestions and encouragement, and the occasional 2*4 over so many years. It is in the final analysis your own life, and your own decisions.
I cannot but think that while many have said that alcohol is the cruelest of mistresses, your own views about yourself seems to be way up there as well.
Not that I cannot relate or see where you are coming from. I too live in a celibate marriage. (sexless is often defined as less than 10 times a year), and since it has been almost 3 years for me, well, the difference between sexless and celibate seems a bit fluid, I am not sure where one end and the other start. (Some argue that celibate as a term that should be applied if there is mutual consent, sexless if it is not.. I don’t really know)
Anyway, I too, took a swing at MB, did what I could, applied the principles as best as I was able for a couple of years , but, as has often been mentioned, (and I am paraphrasing) a certain man that was pretty intelligent remarked that if you expect a different outcome when trying the same thing over and over again,.. you need to examine your head.
So, for the last two years, I have done my version of a 180.. Amongst others, I have taken up road biking and swimming with a vengeance. I really enjoy it, and the other results are also great. While I was never fat, I had a bit of extra padding that had been added over the years that I did not like. The satisfaction of putting on some very old jeans I had back in the closet that now fit, to be completely comfortable in a pair of swim trunks on the beach (I live in the SE of US and the beach is always there) having a defined ‘v-shape’ up front… priceless… spending what I used to spend on wife on a bit of a wardrobe update for myself. I have taken up playing music again, and while it is a purely amateur undertaking, being in a band, playing out… seeing people move, and dance and enjoying themselves to the music I am part of creating… deng.. it is great.
Being out and about and getting hit on… (not acted on… it is flirting, but am keeping it at a distance) , even better, and it does show that I am perceived as attractive… it has helped tremendously in terms of my self-image and overall enjoyment of life. My wife can stay with her romance novels and candy cane whatever games.
I noted your and observations about your working out. It was not as satisfying for you as it was for me, but, you already know that. I still hope that you, in your current misery, will find something that you enjoy doing that entails exercise.
I will be around for a bit longer however. I still need to add quite a bit more to the kids college funds (D is 15, S is 12), but I am now in the process of a job change that will entail working for an outfit that means that I will get a small studio apartment, and quite a bit of travelling. I will work my a$$ off, and live carefully to add as much to their future education in terms of money, but it is going to be a transition for me, and divorce papers will be served some time after I have established myself in a new environment. Unlike many, I will not contest anything; she can have the house for all I care.
Now, I do not think of my wife as evil, quite the contrary. She is an absolutely fantastic mother, a great chef and the house is always clean… (however, in MB speak, I have no/low need for Domestic Support, and I did not marry her to get a maid and a cook
she is hard working, careful with money, and very supportive of her friends.
So, she is into many things, however, she is not into ME… she needs me, but does not want me, she does not invite me to her bed. In some ways, it may be that me leaving will allow her to find a man that can either rekindle her passions, or, find a man that does not have much of, or no need, for physical intimacy, but can meet her other needs very well. I know very well, that most women DO want and crave that intimacy, that experience.. that bond that only exist amongst lovers, and I will find that kind of woman
You have decided to stay, and by your own descriptions, you have disconnected from her, and in fact have invited her into your misery, almost as if you are out for vengeance.
You are set in your ways. I have decided to make changes. I think I am better for it.
I will not ask you to reconsider: too many have, and you seem determined to stay where you are. I did want to touch base however, and to let you know that I have learned quite a bit from your postings over the years, and appreciated your stories.