Appreciate all the replies.
Anon: I tried exercise. I ran a half marathon. I did a cycle of P90X. I was in good shape. Did not improve my mood. Well, actually, the half marathon worsened my mood. After 6 months of training I came in pretty much last of all the participants, including the walkers and the people over age 70. I didn't enjoy the training (and I was part of a charity-based group that provided training materials, met weekly to do long runs, and provided moral support). And the race itself was humiliating. I did not feel any sense of satisfaction from finishing. I felt embarrassed that it took me so long they were tearing down the last few water stations before I got to them.
As for TMS, I looked into that. They opened a center near me. Costs $12,000. Not happening. Then they would not take me for regular therapy because I don't have records of all my previous therapists, the meds I took, etc.
As for talking to my kids about mate selection, I have done this and expect to continue to do it. H2 will not be pleased with some of the things I have to share. So timing is delicate. And no, the kids do not need to know all our problems. Or details. But there is a component to sexual mismatch that needs to be placed onto the table, which understandably makes H2 very nervous.
As for finding someone else, well, I am sure you guys (and gals) are correct that there are other women with whom I would enjoy spending time. Or even being married. Where we part company is believing that any of them would desire to spend any time with me. You will never convince me that is possible. Which is a pretty darn self-fulfilling prophesy. And one I am determined never to test empirically. As several people said to john117, my bitterness and resentment will shine through and no decent woman would give me the time of day. So if I am not going to learn to drop the bitterness and be happy, no point in divorcing her to seek someone else.
Like I said before, I don't expect to ever accept this. I know I am being a moron. Still, I don't expect to change, either. I get too much payoff from making a game of seeing if I can get my wife to stay married to me despite my depression. I figure since she baited and switched me, she can't complain if I sink some hooks into her in return. I know being this way is destroying my soul, but when you have spent pretty much every waking moment since toddler-hood unhappy, can't say my soul ever did me much good.
Maybe marathon or PX90are too much? if you are not an athlete type, these could be discouraging after a while. Like dieting, you cannot keep it up forever. Just try something more casual: walking few times a week, biking, swimming. Twnenty minutes not an hour. If you feel like an hour go for it, but always allow yourself to do just twenty minutes., if you don't feel like more.Better than nothing.
TMS is relatively new, and in most cases isnurance does not want to cover, unless you have cadillac plan. But did you try CTE treatmetns? They have been around much longer, are cheaper, and most insurance plans cover them with such documented trail of trying all meds without results.
Divorce brings up a hope of someone out there waiting for you. But there is no guarantee. When you divorce you should be ready to be on your own, and be fine with it. Just because you were unhappy while single when young man, does not mean you won't find it appealing now. You will be free whatever you want to, and you never know what you can discover.