The immovable object. - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-02-2015, 10:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

Surgery went well. Initial test show no spread to lymph nodes, which is good. We won't know more definitively for a few weeks. As I suspected, H2 and doctors were wrong about how much fat she had in her belly. As I predicted, it was all skin from her major weight loss and little fat to transplant. Surprisingly, I do not much care that she has gone from a D to an A cup. Even though I am a major boob man. Now that we rarely have sex, what difference does it make? The less she turns me on, the less difficult it is to go without sex. We shall see how both of us feel a few months from now.

Right now all that matters is that she heals and they got rid of all the cancer. Hopefully they will discharge her from the hospital tomorrow. Kids are home for 2 weeks until they leave for college. Her Mom and my parents are here so we have plenty of hands to help with what should be the worst of it (the first week she is home). Once she can walk easier and the drains are out of her belly, then we can see what kind of follow up treatment is required.

Many thanks to all who wish her well. We are thinking of making a charitable donation in honor of all who expressed warm thoughts toward us.
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post #107 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-06-2015, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

H2 is home from the hospital and recovering despite a high level of discomfort. But 26" of incisions will do that to you! We will get more word on the cancer in a couple of weeks.
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post #108 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

H2 is having second thoughts about the reconstruction procedure she selected. Plastic surgeon told her he could make C cups from her belly fat. I warned that her belly was mostly skin and I doubted there was much fat there. But he is surgeon and I am husband so my concerns are dismissed. Turns out I was right, they were surprised how little fat she had, and she would up with A cups. Now she has a 14" incision in her belly and is unhappy with her boobs. Nothing they could have done differently once they cut her open and fund no fat in her belly. But I wish they had taken my concern more seriously and thoroughly explored how much fat was under the skin in her belly. Now she is considering a second procedure to take fat from her butt to plump up her boobs. Good news is that there is definitely enough fat in her butt to make a very full set of boobs. Bad news is another surgery to get there. Darn.

But in the big picture, she is alive. They cut out the cancer. We will find out on the 17th what chemo she needs. But early findings suggest her 5 year survival prognosis is good. I don't care what boobs she has (or doesn't) because we don't have sex and frankly her being less physically attractive to me just makes enduring that easier. And she has a beautiful face that I love staring at. But it is her body and her choice what procedures to have or not have. I am just here to hold her hand (and give her meds, empty her drainage tubes, put antibiotic on her incisions, walk her to the potty, etc - but that is what married people do and she would do for me). We shall see what she decides. At least she survived the surgery to be able to make more choices.
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post #109 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:46 AM
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Re: The immovable object.

I am glad too that she is still here and can make whatever decisions that need made.

It would appear that you can dig out of the abyss of hopelessness to see the good in her surviving the surgery. I am glad you are able to be there for her in this emotional period of time.

Thank you for updating. I hope the good news keeps coming.
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post #110 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

STCW: The good is that my kids get to keep their Mom and I get to keep being a martyr. And I get to keep blaming her for all my problems instead of taking responsibility for them myself. Not sure that is "good". But it is better to have her around in the hope that some day I get my head out of my rear end.
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post #111 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 02:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

Drains out. Was like watching magician do a trick. 2 feet of tubing comes out of H2's torso. Again and again and again. And when the tube pops out - no bleeding. Just a hole into her body that sits there. Tape a piece of gauze over it to keep the dirt out and we're done. Modern medicine is amazing. H2 is pleased not to have rubber tubes and plastic squeeze bulbs hanging off her body.
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post #112 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-18-2015, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

Argh. 1 of the 11 lymph nodes had cancer cells. So now H2 needs radiation and maybe chemo in addition to tamoxifen. 6 weeks of daily radiation. H2 was so hoping the nodes were clear and once she healed from the incisions she would be "done" since tamoxifen generally not so bad on side effects. Now she sees it will be an ongoing process. But could have been a lot worse. 6 tumors and not much spread means we caught it "just in time".

Puts the absence of sex in perspective. On the other hand, doing without sex because H2 has cancer feels very different than doing without sex because she continually says "no". Guess I should just think of H2 as having libido cancer and call it a day.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #113 of 479 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 09:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

Both kids off at college. H2 and me are empty nesters. H2 starts chemo in a few weeks. 6 months of discomfort. She has been very pleasant and appreciative lately. Funny, I wish she was healthy and we were still fighting about not having sex.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #114 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-01-2015, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

We meet with the oncologist Friday to find out the chemo schedule. Wishing H2 good fortune.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #115 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-01-2015, 02:30 PM
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Re: The immovable object.

Now's the time for both of you to reconnect at the emotional level. Supporting her during times like this will build a huge amount of good will.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #116 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-01-2015, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

We get along great. I do whatever she needs. She feels very loved. She smiles more. She wants to hold my hand more.

I don't allow myself to want anything from her. I do what I do for her to suit my martyr complex. I like that she feels so much love. I like knowing it is a lie. Just like all the lies she told me for so many years.

She may even love me now. In ways she never did before. Oh well, too late. I could never trust her, so I will assume it is just more lies. But I would like it if she tried to show her sincerity. Would give me more chances to turn her down.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #117 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-02-2015, 09:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

Long ago decided never going to end it voluntarily. Kids. Finances. I love her. I hate her. Isn't every marriage like that? Too much chaos. I do not believe I would ever find anyone else. I would rather live with her in our house where we raised our children than live alone in a dingy apartment (which is all I could afford after a divorce). We get along fine as long as I ignore the lack of sex and the overspending which has tapered off recently as she sees that I will never earn as much as she initially expected. She is just as disappointed in me as I am with her. If she is willing to stay with me despite my flaws, I am willing to stay with her. My goal is balance and equality, not happiness. We have drawn close to equal these days. I am finally content. I am not going to blow everything up in hope of finding some mythical better situation that I do not believe exists.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #118 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-08-2015, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The immovable object.

She found out Friday she will need chemo.

We had a wonderful weekend together. Spent time walking, talking, holding hands. I wish I had not needed to give up on sex or have her get cancer for her to show this level of affection.

For years she mocked me for being too needy. Now she is physically and emotionally needy and expects me to be there for her. Very hard not to be vindictive. Lots of resentment as a wall I need to tear down to enjoy her wanting to hold hands. I know what I need to do to be happy but it is difficult to let go of the resentment.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #119 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-09-2015, 01:08 PM
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Re: The immovable object.

What if you just told her exactly how you feel, i.e., part of me is glad I can be here for you and part of me really wants to be here for you, but another big part of me really doesn't and cant forget how you abandoned me.

Would that just be whiny BS or could you be at a point now where you could both legitimately address the elephant in the room?
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post #120 of 479 (permalink) Old 09-09-2015, 02:07 PM
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Re: The immovable object.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon1111 View Post
What if you just told her exactly how you feel, i.e., part of me is glad I can be here for you and part of me really wants to be here for you, but another big part of me really doesn't and cant forget how you abandoned me.

Would that just be whiny BS or could you be at a point now where you could both legitimately address the elephant in the room?
I think this is a good idea. It is high time for some emotional transparency.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 09-09-2015 at 02:52 PM.
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