H-- what i see from the outside are a lot of intricate layers and justifications protecting something underneath.
Correct. I am injured. I don't intend to cure the disease. This is how I choose to treat the symptoms.
My question is have you ever really tried to get beneath this and see who you really are under all of these schemes and resentments?
Yes. Did personal therapy several times. Teens. Twenties. Thirties. Fourties. Never made any difference. Took various AD meds. Took ADHD meds. Nothing made any difference. I never had the guts to make changes. I accepted the path of least resistance. I never took charge and created the life I wanted.
What comes through to me is a sensitive, caring, intelligent guy. The deviousness is a pose.
I was a sensitive caring guy. Got me cut up and bleeding. Now I am a sensitive caring guy hiding behind high thick walls. I am not prepared to ever take them down.
As I have said, this is merely the dynamic with my wife playing out in reverse. She started our marriage with high thick walls and kept me out. That is why she rejected me sexually and never reciprocated affection or romantic gestures. She was too busy protecting herself. I told her my warmth and caring would eventually work their way in. She did not believe either that I truly cared or that I would ever get inside.
Now she has discovered that she was wrong on both counts. I did care and I am now inside her walls. Problem is, whereas I was an open book when we met, now I am the one with high thick walls that I am hiding behind. And whereas I had tools in my arsenal to slowly and steadily slip through cracks in her wall, H2 does not have what would be needed to overcome the obstacles I have set in her path. What she will offer will be too little, too late.
Can you embrace your real nature and stop being ashamed?
No. I am worthless and weak. I am a hideous troll. I deserve to remain unhappy because I did not have the guts to demand better treatment years ago or to leave when I could have afforded the cost. Now I am old and tired and do not have the motivation or energy to fight for what I need.
No woman will ever desire me. Including my wife. So I might as well stay with the mother of my children and the woman entitled to permanent alimony should we divorce. Her being stuck with this version of me is fair recompense for the way she treated me all these years.
Who cares if your wife digs it or not? Are you going to let your entire being be defined by her?
I am letting my entire being be defined by me. My worth is 100% defined by whether I can attract women. And I cannot. Never could. Never will. And that attitude is self-fulfilling.
As long as I see myself as worthless, I see no reason to blow up my world and my kids' worlds in the vain pursuit of "happiness" or "personal fulfillment".