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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-21-2011, 07:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Porn, lying and cheating wives?

I'm 29f, attractive and in shape, married for 2 years to 30m. No kids.

A little background:
My husband hasn't treated me the greatest. He was basically verbally abusive for awhile, but he's gotten better. He lied about how many women he's had sex with... on a drunk night he volunteered he'd slept with over 100 women in his life, many of them being married. He also told me while drinking, unprovoked, that he likes women too much and finds it hard to not cheat. And I mean he went into all kinds of details about how he likes all kinds of womens bodies and he likes this and that.. he kept digging that hole and I just sat there with my stomach sinking deeper and deeper. Of course ever since then he regrets saying it and says he doesn't know why
he said it and he didn't mean it. He has talked about swinging and 3 somes and even kept pushing the issue of us getting a girlfriend for us (i'm not even bi). I told him that will never happen and for him to stop asking. From how he treated me, to those 2 pieces of info, to him bugging me about other girls, my trust for him has dwindled. I was happily, or stupidly, in bliss and happy with him until those things were mentioned. My husband and my sex life is pretty good, we talk about and do lots of fun things and wild things. We are pretty open.

Now on to my issue:
I don't mind some porn. I know guys like porn... My husband lies about porn. He clears his history, but i was able to see how often he views porn sites.. and yes i admit i checked because it bugs the hell out of me that he lies. He watches porn 3-5 times a week, for hours at a time. He searches for "cheating wife" porn and "cheating army wife" porn (he's in the army). I confronted him about him lying about porn and about this cheating wife porn and he said he forgot about all the porn he watched and that he thought it was only once in 2 weeks, said he was watching it for "us" so we could watch it together later (on that day i was working late and he watched it for about 6 hours on and off). He says its OK for him to lie to me about it. He has asked me before to watch porn with him so I don't see why he has to lie about it. The cheating wife porns really concerns me. I asked him if the idea of a wife cheating with him turns him on. He said yes, but he would never cheat on me. Having a hard time believing that......

I find myself not being able to trust him AT ALL. His times of verbally abusing me, telling me he doesn't care about me, lying about porn, lying about how many women he's been with, telling me its hard for him to not cheat, looking up cheating women porn, saying he wants us to have a gf in our marriage........ He tells me to just trust him. I'd like you to give me your opinion on this. Am I over reacting ? How can I make this situation better? What would you do?

Thanks for reading this.

Last edited by DeekoDeek; 06-22-2011 at 07:19 AM.
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Old 06-21-2011, 08:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, lying and cheating wives?

Oh my goodness, DeekoDeek,

Your husband is in bad shape. I am going to tell you something that may shock you. Pornography has NO place in your marriage! Porn is about lust not love. You need your husband to love you, to cherish you, not to treat you like an object for sexual gratification. The fact that he asks about having a 3-some confirms this. Sex between husband and wife is about UNION not about lust and not about sexual thrills. It is about expressing that you are the most important person in my life and I want to make a total gift of myself to you. Marital intercourse is also about children and about family.

You are right to be concerned about his fascination with "Cheating wives." Why would he fantasize about this if you are all he needs? Why would he fantasize about adding a "girl friend" if you are all he needs? Why does he need pornography?

My advice to you is to shut the door on pornography. I am a man and it is a lie that men "need" pornography. What men need is true intimacy with their wives. You are absolutely right on for it to "bug the hell out of you." He needs to know that you demand to be loved and not used and that you will not share that right with another.

As for the verbal abuse, you do not have to tolerate this one bit. His verbal abuse confirms again that he has no respect for you. Don't let him do it. Stand up to him. But if you are the least bit afraid of him becoming physically abusive, notify his superior officer. You are in a great position to deal with this with all the support the Army chain of command gives.

Good luck!
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, lying and cheating wives?

I don't think you are overreacting. His obsession with "cheating wives" and the fact that he's had many married sex partners possibly indicates a fetish. He's either oversexed or not satisfied with the intimacy you provide.
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for the responses. I do feel he is oversexed and I also feel his respect level for me And our marriage is low. He told me before porn helps a guy not cheat. I do feel bad for checking up on him but I was only doing it in hopes it would show me that I was just being paranoid and that he was being truthful when I only found out the opposite. I feel sad. I want an open and honest relAtionship & I've told him & asked him many times before about this. He insists though that it's just porn And I shouldn't be upset or worried that he's lying. He sYs he just wants privacy with his porn habits. I am very concerned that if he's like this only 2 years in what's going to happen down the road.... This trust stuff is really stArting to wear me down...
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Deeko - my first concern is your health. Have you been tested for clymedia, herpes, HIV etc. These STDs can be asymtomatic. Please get checked every 6 months if you stay with him. I think he is a very bad risk for a faithful spouse. He is likely to be a serial cheater and you may pick up an STD from him.

He may also be a narcissist. It is a personality disorder - these people are deceptive selfish, abusive and love only themselves. The abuse of their spouse gets worse so expect escalating abuse, there is immorality and a feeling of being superior. They don't let anything stand in their way when they want and they don't care about who they hurt. It is incurable and anyone who has been married to one comes to regrete their choice. They can be very charming until they have what they want and then they change completely.

I can't tell you if he is one or not but you can look up the symtoms and see if he fits. If he does you are in for a horrible life if you stay. They usually pick women with low self esteem who will not leave them. His abuse of you and the bragging was a test and you passed. Don't be happy he tested to see if you had the self respect and confidence to drop his azzz when he begins to cheat or if you would stay and forgive him again and again.

The fact that you did not leave with the abuse, your reaction to his revelations is to question wheather you should stay instead of planning your exit and you feel guilty about checking up on him is a sign of very low self respect. From yor post it appears that you will stay waiting for tge charming guy who tricked you into marriage to come back. He does not exist, the abusive, deceptive, porn and sex addict, immoral, self centered lier is tge real him.

I don't think you would have married him if you knew the real him that's why he hid. I hope you will get out. Or you can wait 5 or 10 or even 20 yrs and be a shell of a woman beaten down because he has cheated on you with another 100 women and he leaves with a new woman. Please get out don't get pregnant. He will be very nice to get you to stay but it is just an act get out now while you are still healthy, young and not stripped of your self respect completely.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The threesome, swinging etc is a big red flag the fact that you did not consider leaving him when he keeps bringing it up is also telling. If you stay he will maneuver you into a position to do this. He will use you until you feel so degraded that you may leave then. He will not drop this idea. You asked him not to asked and that does not stop him. He has no respect for you he sees you as an object for his use.

That may be why he married you because he felt he could manipulate you to degrade your self. Narcissist make use of people tgey don't see tgem as beings with feelings. So he will use all of his charm power of persuasion, and abuse to get you to do this. If you stay he will probably suceed in using and degrading you.

Unfortunatly he does not love you not because you are nit lovable but because he can nit live. You should have much better you were tricked and decieved.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes I have stayed for too long through all his bs and it hAs really affected me. I feel worthless to him, but not to all guys. I have talked to him about a D and he tells me good luck finding a guy who won't cheat. We have been in marriage counseling & both of us are in IC, although he won't tell me about any of his issues he has. He says he has lots of issues and none of them are regarding or due to our marriage. I am in the blind about his problems as he refuses to share them with me. just more confusion, worry and doubt.... All he ever says to me is I need to let go of my mistrust and move on from everything that's happened. The last big porn fight we had was this past weekend...

Also I am no psychologist but he has been diagnosed w/ PTSD and I honestly believe he has borderline personality disorder because he has almost all of those symptoms.. But again he won't let me in at all about his issues, even tho they affect our marriage .

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Old 06-21-2011, 11:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, lying and cheating wives?

DeekoDeek,

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about Narcissism or personality disorders. You simply need to confront him on the issues: verbal abuse, porn use, lying, etc. He needs to know these aren't acceptable. If he not willing to change, then that is one thing. But, give him an opportunity once you have laid down the law that pornography whether its private or not is absolutely unacceptable. In fact it is a form of infidelity.

Also, he needs to let you in on his issues. You are a married couple. You need each other's help to overcome problems and wounds from the past. We all have them.

Last edited by tobias; 06-21-2011 at 11:10 PM.
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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The secrecy means that he does not trust you and he is hiding how sick he is. When you marry you share your life with the person there are no secrets. He dies not want you to know him therefore you can not love a person you don't know. He can't be trusted.

Don't listen to his words look at his behavior. He is telling you to stay with him even if he cheats because you will be cheated on anyway. Do you believe that? . Are you going to let him continue to treat you like a doormat? He is telling you that he will cheat and then to trust him.

Don't you think if you had any self respect you would tell him "evey man is not sick like you and other men may cheat on me but you won't" get out of this. He wants you to stay because he groomed you to be an object and he has worked so hard finding the right woman who will allow him to abuse and degrade her that he wants to convience you not to leave.

he will have find some other woman to trick and groom and it will take some work. Surprise him and yourself and leave him in the dust it will wound his ego and he deserves it.

Women up and stop bring a doormat. You may find it difficult because he will try to instill fear but it like being in a cult once you are out you will not be able to figure out why you staid.
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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@tobias. I don't know if you read her post carefully. He deceived her when they married, he is trying to use her sexually, he is secretive about problems, he has verbally abused her, he has promised her he will cheat, he ask her to trust him but he us a liar. this is not a marriage for her, this is a nightmare.

She can't ask him like this is a normal relation to share with her. It is a waak response to a serious problem. She does not have a marriage. Deeko the advice to approach him and simper is common avice to a woman. We are advised to ignore abuse, cheating etc. To put our health at risk, STDs and escalating abuse

You are not his therapist you are his wife and he is not treating you like a wife. He does not resoect you enough for you to ask hom fir anything his pathology is such that you are not equipped to handle them. Moreover, you have been beaten down enough he does not deserve any kindness an regard.

Borderlines are nightmares too. It is incurable as well. There are many over aping characteristics with narccissit. I advise you to get out. The reason you posted is because your intuition is telling you to divorce. It is hard to give up the illusion of happiness and you will have a hard tim because when things are good with him they are very good. But it will always be in cycles with very bad times. His bad times seems to go towards sexual promiscuity so he is likely to cheat repetedly and to coerce you into deviant sex.

Follow your intuition. Woman up - women have a hard time protecting themselves, they are expected to sacrifice and they believe in fairy tales. You are not living a fairy tale obviously, no one should sacrifice for a liar and a person you cant trust and you should never open your self up to abuse and sexual objectification. You know what you need to do - dont bother asking him anything he will lie.
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, lying and cheating wives?

Bottom line, you going to have to figure out what you will and will not tolerate. If this is the life for you. Can he change his ways? Possibly, if he wants to and gets into some deep therapy. Drinking seems to possibly be an issue as well, not just women/sex. You need to decide if you want to be in for the long haul of this, if so be prepared, it will be a long road. You might want to seek out some IC for yourself as well.
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Don't bet on change a sex and porn addiction is like crack cocaine difficult to beat even with a motivated person. Borderines are not curable so tge chances that he will give up his sex addiction and porn and abusive behavior, which is part of his pathology will also not be cured.

You can grasp a thin thread of hope that he will change. While you are doing that you will endure years with someone who can not love and does not respect you. Is this tge life you want. I being blunt because I think you will grasp at anything to stay with him. You should have been gone already just based on his secretive abusuve deceptive behavior. Moreover the attempt to use you sexually like you are a sex object would have made any self respecting women pack up and leave.

Men who love their wives do not try to use them for porn fantisies by asking thenm to do degrading things. Women make the mistake of being coerced into being used sexually just to please the man. They regret it because never makes the man love them in fact, he often thinks less of them for allowing themselves to be used. Strange but true.

I hope you will take my bluntness in the spirit it is meant. I have read of women who are involved with men who maneuver them into sex acts that are degrading and they come to regret it. There are red flags all over you situation.
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Old 06-22-2011, 04:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
I asked him if the idea of a wife cheating with him turns him on. He said yes, but he would never cheat on me. Having a hard time believing that......
Erm, that fantasy in particular isn't exactly about him cheating on you, but you cheating on him. Looks like he has a bit of a fetish!

Quote:
His times of verbally abusing me, telling me he doesn't care about me, lying about porn, lying about how many women he's been with, telling me its hard for him to not cheat, looking up cheating women porn, saying he wants us to have a gf in our marriage........
Well then again... nevermind...

Quote:
Am I over reacting ? How can I make this situation better? What would you do?
To be honest sometimes the desire for erm, 'interesting marital adventures' does come from some lacking in terms of sexual satisfaction between partners. Other times it's just a fetish... and itch that needs to be 'scratched'...

Quote:
He tells me to just trust him
Ah yes, next time he tells you that, tell him TRUST IS EARNED! NOT ASKED FOR! Bah! I have no idea how many people tried that line on me in the past.

@Catherine

Quote:
Men who love their wives do not try to use them for porn fantisies by asking thenm to do degrading things. Women make the mistake of being coerced into being used sexually just to please the man.
Sorry off-topic but...
What if the lady in particular already has a certain side of her that enjoys these 'interesting activities', let's say... exhibitionism and public ramming?! But decides to be a 'good girl' since marriage, is it wrong to keep poking her about it? =/
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Old 06-22-2011, 07:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Old 06-22-2011, 07:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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The hardest thing I guess is trying to communicate with him. He blows up, says I'm nagging him, tells me to shut the F up when I feel I am saying valid points, and he gets angry. He tells me I'm blaming him for everything and also tells me I am the one ruining our marriage because it's hard for me to let go of all this stuff I mentioned I'm my post that has causes my trust issues.

I posted here because I'm at wits end... I have thought numerous times about a D unfortunately. I really don't want one, but it feels like I have to pick my sanity & health OR my marriage. He has made me feel like I am paranoid & over reacting, so it is nice to get different opinions on the stuff that's been going on.

Also just to mention I have no proof he has physically cheated in me or even talking to women. Not making excuses for him just want to put the whole picture out there. We spend most of our time together, except when we are working and he stays up usually 2-4 hours longer then me every night. Also he tells me the reason I should stay with him is because he's going to counseling and that it was a hard step for him. He's been going 2 1/2 months now, says he has major issues and I have no idea how hard it is for him, yet he will not let me in at all. In an analogy, I feel like we both have a major medical illness (since whatever is up with him has affected our marriage), but he is the only one that knows the diagnoses & issues and he is the only one who can talk to the doctor.
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