Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've been married for 8 years to my wonderful wife (28). Our sex life has gradually deteriorated and I don't know what we can do to restore it to health.
We used to have a good connection in bed, different variety and Oral sex for her, but things have gone downhill, particularly in my opinion (but not hers) since the birth of our 2nd child 3 years ago.
We openly communicate about the issues we have and she understands that sexual release is important for me (she has no problem "helping out" a couple times a week).
The issue is that ultimately, by her admission she virtually never feels the urge to have sex. Its a matter of sometimes when we do it, she gets into it, other times she doesn't, but she never 'wants it'. She can and does orgasm maybe 50% of the time although I know that is not the end game for her and she knows I do not expect it.
My wife doesn't like foreplay. If I try to stroke down there, she clamps up. She won't touch herself down there not even with a towel after a shower because she thinks it's disgusting. We have not had Oral sex in 3 years because she says it makes my face dirty and we can't then kiss. I've taken all pressure off in that regard and told her I don't expect to give oral sex again if she doesn't want it.
We thought maybe birth control pills were having an effect so she stopped for two months, without any improvement. Although we both have tiring days with the kids etc, I try to go out of my way to make sure she has plenty of relaxation time.
We've got into scheduling days for sex so that the other days, when I give her cuddles and back rubs, she knows it will not need to lead to sex, but even on the days we schedule, sometimes she forgets or just complains she's tired and I feel guilty that I've been hopeful all day and that she really doesn't want sex.
Neither of us had previous sexual partners and there is no bad sexual experiences in the past.
We've had periods where I've said that we will lay off sex completely to give her a break and allow her to relax, but it had no effect.
I hate to point the finger of blame at my wife because we both love each other extremely. I've asked many a time if there is anything I can do or stop doing to help but she has no suggestion. I've told her that I will stick through anything to stay with her and would never leave/cheat (and I mean it!). We are just out of options at this point.
I'm hoping there are others on the board who have had a similar experience and come out the other side!
I've been married for 8 years to my wonderful wife (28). Our sex life has gradually deteriorated and I don't know what we can do to restore it to health.
We used to have a good connection in bed, different variety and Oral sex for her, but things have gone downhill, particularly in my opinion (but not hers) since the birth of our 2nd child 3 years ago.
We openly communicate about the issues we have and she understands that sexual release is important for me (she has no problem "helping out" a couple times a week).
The issue is that ultimately, by her admission she virtually never feels the urge to have sex. Its a matter of sometimes when we do it, she gets into it, other times she doesn't, but she never 'wants it'. She can and does orgasm maybe 50% of the time although I know that is not the end game for her and she knows I do not expect it.
My wife doesn't like foreplay. If I try to stroke down there, she clamps up. She won't touch herself down there not even with a towel after a shower because she thinks it's disgusting. We have not had Oral sex in 3 years because she says it makes my face dirty and we can't then kiss. I've taken all pressure off in that regard and told her I don't expect to give oral sex again if she doesn't want it.
We thought maybe birth control pills were having an effect so she stopped for two months, without any improvement. Although we both have tiring days with the kids etc, I try to go out of my way to make sure she has plenty of relaxation time.
We've got into scheduling days for sex so that the other days, when I give her cuddles and back rubs, she knows it will not need to lead to sex, but even on the days we schedule, sometimes she forgets or just complains she's tired and I feel guilty that I've been hopeful all day and that she really doesn't want sex.
Neither of us had previous sexual partners and there is no bad sexual experiences in the past.
We've had periods where I've said that we will lay off sex completely to give her a break and allow her to relax, but it had no effect.
I hate to point the finger of blame at my wife because we both love each other extremely. I've asked many a time if there is anything I can do or stop doing to help but she has no suggestion. I've told her that I will stick through anything to stay with her and would never leave/cheat (and I mean it!). We are just out of options at this point.
I'm hoping there are others on the board who have had a similar experience and come out the other side!
MEM, is there a follow up post on "Changing the temperature?" I cant find it!
Some of your points to apply to our relationship although she is the one who always wants us to say "I love you" very frequently which I would not associate with Cold behaviour. I have tried backing off away from her and as I say, we abstained from sex for quite a while.
LH, it sounds like your wife has some serious body issues that you are not responsible for. She is trying to separate from parts of herself and needs some professional help. It's probably not something you can work on changing. What was her family of origin like? Did she have any abusive experiences there?
Seems like she finds the sexual, feminine parts of herself disgusting not just the sex they're used for. May have been instilled in her at an early age. I'm not trying to get all psychological on you and many women have poor body images that impede sexual enjoyment but your wife's problems sound somewhat more serious than not liking what you see in the mirror.
Kids can take a lot out of some woman's desire for sex and it sounds like you've got one of those women. One of her problems (she may have already mentioned this to you) might be that she can not relax enough to desire sex. If your kids are running around there's always the threat of them walking in on you, or her having to stop in the middle of it if one of the kids need attention. The good news is that things do change when the kids get older (high school and beyond).
She has some issues regarding her vagina, but on the other hand she obviously doesn't want to taste herself and has a valid point of not wanting to kiss you after you've been there.
You say that she understands your needs and takes care of you with sex. While I understand a man's need to be "desired" and for a woman to show it, I think you need to just deal with it. Take what you can get and don't put pressure on her to "want" you. Eventually she will come back to the way she was before kids, and WILL "want it" again.
The issue is that ultimately, by her admission she virtually never feels the urge to have sex. Its a matter of sometimes when we do it, she gets into it, other times she doesn't, but she never 'wants it'. She can and does orgasm maybe 50% of the time although I know that is not the end game for her and she knows I do not expect it.
Hi Loving ~
Let me give you a bit of a different perspective. I am admittedly what I would consider a LD (lower drive) spouse than my husband. I have been throughout most of our 23 year marriage. I can admit that most of the time (not all of the time, but a good deal of it), I often have few sexual urges. However, my husband and I make a lot of compromises with each other, and we have what we both consider a fulfilling sex life - engaging in some type of sexual intimacy around 3 times a week, and what I call non-sexual foreplay everyday.
I think you need to look at this as a multi-pronged approach.
First, I have quoted one of the sections from your post above. There are so many great resources available to educate yourself with today, unlike the trial by error method my husband and I had to use when we were at the point you and your wife are. It is not uncommon for many, many women to either experience lower drive at some point or points in their life, or to just naturally be "set" that way. So, don't let yourself or your wife look at the fact that she is LD be considered a defect. It is what it is, and you have to work with what you have.
Also, for many women, the sexual response cycle is different than it is in a man. Many woman (myself included) often have desire that results after arousal - the opposite of what men experience. This is why my H and I have an "open door" policy. We both recognize the way we are each wired - I allow him any and all opportunities to pursue me and try and get me aroused. Most often with a little work, it happens - and the more you connect in this way, the easier it gets.
Here are some good articles you may want to look at regarding some of these topics. So, arm yourself with education and simply look at it as one of life's opportunities to learn how to mesh the differences there are between you and your wife:
So, since sexual drive in a woman can be multi-faceted and often reflects to a large degree where she is emotionally as well, you need to look at what kinds of things you can do to improve the relationship. [I am not saying that there are not things that she should also work on - but since you are the one here asking for advice and she isn't, and you can only really change yourself, thoughts, and actions, we will have to concentrate on you for now. ]
Look at whether you are meeting the needs that your wife may have of you in the marriage. Do you know what those needs - either inside or outside of the bedroom - are? Does she ever express them to you? If not, is she willing to explore this with you? A couple of good reading sources are the following:
MEM and some of the other men on the forum can help give you information on ways that you as a man can take control of your own thoughts and actions in a positive way. MEM has already given you good information on his "thermostat" thread. You may also want to go over to the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum and start reading through the stories that are on the "Man Up/Nice Guy" sticky thread at the top.
So, my husband and I are a success story in this area, and we did not have the wonderful resources that are available to you to help educate yourself and give insight and provoke that thought-changing process.
I think one of the most important things is if your wife is in sync with you - meaning, is she willing to work with you on this area of your relationship? Your post seemed to indicate that she was understanding of your needs. If she is receptive, then see if she is also willing to start to educate herself on what sexual intimacy means to a man. The following is a good resource for that:
I think you are defeating yourself when you tell her that you need "X" but that you'll stick around forever whether she provides "X" or not. Wrong answer. Your needs are legitimate and necessary for the success of the marriage. She knows what your needs are. If they are unimportant to her, that means you and the marriage are also unimportant to her.
It sounds like she's being lazy and selfish and neither are conducive traits for a healthy marriage. You don't show up for work only on the days you happen to feel great about working. Your kids get fed even if you aren't hungry. I suspect she manages to fulfill her other responsibilities regardless of how she feels. Why should her husband (presumably the most important person in her life) be consistently put on the back burner? The answer is "because you allow her to put you there". If she neglects her kids, the state will lock her up and take away the kids. If she has a job and neglects it, she gets fired. If she neglects her responsibilities to you and to the marriage, squat happens. If you suddenly announced that you would no longer be going to work because you just really didn't feel like supporting your family anymore, how long do you think she would keep you around?
I think you are defeating yourself when you tell her that you need "X" but that you'll stick around forever whether she provides "X" or not. Wrong answer. Your needs are legitimate and necessary for the success of the marriage. She knows what your needs are. If they are unimportant to her, that means you and the marriage are also unimportant to her.
It sounds like she's being lazy and selfish and neither are conducive traits for a healthy marriage. You don't show up for work only on the days you happen to feel great about working. Your kids get fed even if you aren't hungry. I suspect she manages to fulfill her other responsibilities regardless of how she feels. Why should her husband (presumably the most important person in her life) be consistently put on the back burner? The answer is "because you allow her to put you there". If she neglects her kids, the state will lock her up and take away the kids. If she has a job and neglects it, she gets fired. If she neglects her responsibilities to you and to the marriage, squat happens. If you suddenly announced that you would no longer be going to work because you just really didn't feel like supporting your family anymore, how long do you think she would keep you around?
I guess it really depends on where you are and what you really want out of your marriage. I would presume that many husbands would prefer to engage in methods that may not be so coercive or potentially destructive first unless the relationship has been so far off in the weeds for a long time, and it takes that kind of cataclysm to bring it back on track - kind of like doing those electric shocks on a failing heart.
Pick the battle very carefully, because if you draw this card you must be willing to play the hand.
Why would anyone wish to remain linked to someone who was consistently indifferent to their needs? If your needs mean nothing to them now, do you imagine that when you're older and your needs are much greater that the partner will suddenly step up to the plate? There is no loving without giving. One who takes without giving in return is not a partner. That describes a slave owner or a parasite and losing either would only be beneficial. The only partner worth having is the one who puts your needs before or at least equal to their own. That is what she expects from him and he has the right to expect the same of her.
Thanks for all the advice offered here and I'm going to try for another talk tonight over a quiet candlelight dinner.
Unbelievable - you've said that you should put your partners needs before your own - I agree. That's what I'm doing. She feels pressured and frustrated by sex so we do it infrequently. She understands my need to be loved in that way like I love her in the way she needs (compliments, listening etc). She feels that she is still inadequate to meet my needs however infrequent they are.
The truth is that even once a week goes nowhere near fulfilling my needs, but I have tried to compromise on this to take the pressure off of her to "perform".
You ask why anyone would put up with someone indifferent to their needs? Because I love her of course! I have a beautiful young family who would be devastated to have me leave my wife. I'm sorry but divorce could never be an option where the only problem is I'm not getting enough sex, that would be completely selfish.
Why would anyone wish to remain linked to someone who was consistently indifferent to their needs? If your needs mean nothing to them now, do you imagine that when you're older and your needs are much greater that the partner will suddenly step up to the plate? There is no loving without giving. One who takes without giving in return is not a partner. That describes a slave owner or a parasite and losing either would only be beneficial. The only partner worth having is the one who puts your needs before or at least equal to their own. That is what she expects from him and he has the right to expect the same of her.
Perhaps you could answer the first question you posed above for me in regards to your own relationship? I know that you are in a difficult one.
A marriage is composed of two people. As far as the OP, we do not know everything about his situation - the willingness of his wife to work on the relationship, for instance. He has stated that his wife is cognizant of his need for release and she does try. He will need to explore these things in his relationship to see if he can discover what is really going on.
I have found that when it comes to marriage, relationships, just people in general that things are rarely just black and white. It is rarely just one not giving all the time for no reason at all - there is a subtle dance at play between the husband and wife. For all we know, she could be reacting to the way he acts with her. We do not know, do we? We can only see her through the lens that he has provided.
It's worth noting that in previous arguments we've had regarding sex she's been extremely upset because she feels that she is bending over backwards to accommodate me once a week. In her eyes she believes that she is doing something completely for my benefit. She finds no pleasure in "physical pleasure", a statement that baffles me. I consider myself a good communicator and do all the things that should be considered turn ons (making time for her, spontaneous romanticism) - much more than I think 90% of other blokes would do. She says she loves my sensitive side so I don't think I need to "Man-up". In any case, I work out, lift weights, do running twice a week etc :-)
My wife would never initiate a conversation about sex and when I do, she has really nothing to say about it anyway. I can say something like "Do you prefer it if I do this rather than that" and she will just reply, "it doesn't really bother me".
Wife finds sex unnecessary and disgusting 
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