Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have read many posts here about frustrated spouses who are not satisfied with their sex life. I also was not satisfied with the frequency of sex in my relationship. My x wife had all kinds of reasons. let me see if I have learned anything.
- if two people are healthy, attracted to each other, and in love, then there is basically no reason they would not want sex on a regular basis. Sure, we all get tired from time to time, but if things are going well, sex is something both will want. Correct?
-If one doesn't want sex, then something is wrong. It could be health, stress, or a variety of things, but there is no need to act as if not wanting sex with someone you find attractive and love is normal. For a happily married couple to act like they are in the nursing home sexually is just not normal. Right?
-It seems like one of the big problems with couples is that the one who doesn't want sex acts as though it's normal and is satisfied.
I am going to generalize here, but from my personal experience (and what I have seen with my friends and now here on this board), sex drive can be at times both simple and complex. Just as people are. It is not always so easily quantified.
I have found with my husband that his drive is more simple on the surface - very quick desire, easy to arouse while mine is more complex. He has had to learn that about me and taken it as a personal challenge (or opportunity, if you will). But underneath the surface - how my husband feels about the connection that sex gives, it is somewhat complex. That is just one person's experience.
I think the key is having the same kind of understanding with your partner. Drives will change over time. Everyone should just go in to marriage understanding this. The key is understanding the level of willingness your partner has to keep things moving forward. If they have never even contemplated this kind of a scenario (I bet many wives don't - I know I didn't ), it needs to be discussed - preferably beforehand.
I am all for some kind of pre-marital counseling to bring these kinds of things out in the open for some eye-opening discussion before marriage. I know that I will be counselling my own kids with this when they get to that point.
Oh, and as far as your last point - another of the keys of marriage is being able to see past our own noses - to see the needs of our partner even if those needs are not one of our own. There are many people in marriage who have not gotten to this point.
"another of the keys of marriage is being able to see past our own noses - to see the needs of our partner even if those needs are not one of our own. There are many people in marriage who have not gotten to this point."
Absolutely. On what planet are adults free to do only those things they feel like doing, when they feel like doing them? I've never been there. If someone isn't prepared to put others' needs before their own, they have no business entering into a marriage or starting a family. Selfishness is the domain of singles.
"another of the keys of marriage is being able to see past our own noses - to see the needs of our partner even if those needs are not one of our own. There are many people in marriage who have not gotten to this point."
Absolutely. On what planet are adults free to do only those things they feel like doing, when they feel like doing them? I've never been there. If someone isn't prepared to put others' needs before their own, they have no business entering into a marriage or starting a family. Selfishness is the domain of singles.
Preaching to the choir!
It would be a good topic of discussion sometime to discuss ways that people can be more 'prepared' for marriage and relationships. It just seems to be a free-for-all anymore.
Sorry-southbound - don't want to jack your thread!
It's hardly the only thing that goes wrong. There's a lot of 'ifs' in your assumption. For me, I genuinely cannot understand how couples, where their relationship is off the rails every other way, would bother or care with lovemaking at all. It's just one more thing in the garbage.
It's hardly the only thing that goes wrong. There's a lot of 'ifs' in your assumption. For me, I genuinely cannot understand how couples, where their relationship is off the rails every other way, would bother or care with lovemaking at all. It's just one more thing in the garbage.
Good point, Runs. It can often be an indicator of what the status of your overall relationship is, though.
But, honestly, I have known people whose relationships would drive me nuts - fighting all the time tooth and nail, and then can blithely set it all aside and go about it like rabbits.
Does not compute for me. I wish them well though. On the other hand there's more than a few posters here who while trying to tear each other's heads off find themselves pregnant.
Boy if that isn't Old Testament irony, nothing is.
- if two people are healthy, attracted to each other, and in love, then there is basically no reason they would not want sex on a regular basis. Sure, we all get tired from time to time, but if things are going well, sex is something both will want. Correct?
I think it is a grand barometer of the health of a marital relationship -if both spouses WANT to be doing it. Just cause there is sex (if one is faking it or just going along to keep peace) this would not at all qualify.
I remember reading a comment on here from someone saying if they were a therapist, the 1st question would be... "how often do you make love?" and if the answer was not much, he would tell them to go back home, have sex X amount of times a week & to come back to see them until this has been done for 6 months straight. He felt this would solve more than ___% of mairtal problems & few would need therapy . (can't remember his % but I think he had a good point).
Quote:
It seems like one of the big problems with couples is that the one who doesn't want sex acts as though it's normal and is satisfied.
To them, they ARE satisfied, it is "their normal" - people will always struggle to relate to the thoughts & feelings of those who are vastly different than themselves, doesn't matter whether it is sex drives to enjoying football games, a certain style of music, being a home buddy or a desire to go dancing & living it up a little.
I think we should all be careful to marry as closely to what we are to avoid brawls or silent suffering. Yes, our sex drives DO change over time, my husbands used to be higher than mine, now mine has surpassed his, BUT generally LOVE LANGUAGES don't change. Most of us are inherently selfish, we want what we want, to say we dont is just a lie, so to be matched with another who feels the same, wants to give & receive the same , this = the nearest experience to heaven on earth with a partner.
The most loving thing is for all of us to deeply explore the understanding of our spouses, EVEN if they may come off impatient sometimes and we feel we are in the right because of this fact alone. We all have our weaknesss in life. My calm husband thinks I can be too demanding at times (I have alot of fantasies I want to live out), then I get impatient with him, cause I don't feel he is "creative" enough (he knows he is not) , so we both have our weakness's you see, but we also understand each other and let LOVE lead the way -maybe after a good fight now & then. At least the sex never stops.
If those who are "satisfied" with very little spend any amount of time reading ON THIS WEBSITE, they will either be MOVED by some of the heartfelt stories of lacking intimacy & what it does to other men & women & suddenly realize what they are doing to their own spouses OR they will be on the defensive.
It is always a telling sign to what a person is accually made of.
Sure, urges go up and down. Sure, people get angry. Marriage requires that both partners behave in particular ways regardless of how they feel, regardless of the bank balance, regardless of wrinkles & extra pounds. I don't need a marriage contract if all that is expected of me is to operate according to how I feel on a particular day. I can simply shack up and get/give that level of commitment.
My x wife not only didn't want sex very often, but she acted as though it were weird that I wanted it often. She acted as though sex shouldn't be a big deal after two people had been married for a long time, so why was I still excited about it?
Perhaps sexual desire is different for men and women even in more ways than I can imagine. To me, it is a natural, inborn desire, just like the desire for food. I don't have to try to convince myself that I need to eat each day, my hunger arrives and reminds me. If I am sick and have no appetite, I am not puzzled by everyone else's desire for food; I realize they need to eat as usual. If my appetite doesn't return in a reasonable amount of time, I realize something is wrong with my system.. The thought of food may make me want to vomit, but I still realize something is wrong.
Perhaps I am an oddity that my sex drive has remained constant throughout my life into my 40s. It isn't really affected by anything. When I had sex with my wife, I was just as turned on 18 years into the marriage as I was in the beginning!!
I remember my x wife once told me about a couple who were dating where she worked. She said they would go out in their car during lunch breaks and fool around, and sometimes with toys; they weren't shy about talking. I told my wife how sexual desire was usually what brought two people together. Those two weren't going to the car exchanging stories about "American Idol," but they were having fun enjoying sexual activity. Where does that go once together for a while?
Sex drive is a response to a multi-variate system of personal and biological factors. The key to making a sex drive go one way or the other is to either make appropriate decisions based on those factors.
These days with hormone replacement therapy and counseling these sex drive issues can be helped.
Spouses that help each other and encourage each other through these underlying factors can help sex drive not be such a problem anymore.
My dad is disabled to the point of no longer being able to, uhm - be able to have THAT be a part of my parent's marriage any longer. They are both in their mid sixties, and before my dad got sick, they were always affectionate in their marriage. Now they only focus on non-sexual intimacy and they are fine.
Other married couples have the same issues, and do the same thing. My point is that unless low sex drive is due to a dangerous condition or is physically impossible, every effort should be made towards healing and restoration of sex drive for married partners in a marriage. This is the driving force in my article: Intimate Marriage, which deals with building all forms of intimacy in a marriage, while helping married couples see each other better from each other's perspective. A definite advantage when dealing with sex drive issues in a marriage.
My x wife not only didn't want sex very often, but she acted as though it were weird that I wanted it often. She acted as though sex shouldn't be a big deal after two people had been married for a long time, so why was I still excited about it?
Perhaps sexual desire is different for men and women even in more ways than I can imagine. To me, it is a natural, inborn desire, just like the desire for food. I don't have to try to convince myself that I need to eat each day, my hunger arrives and reminds me. If I am sick and have no appetite, I am not puzzled by everyone else's desire for food; I realize they need to eat as usual. If my appetite doesn't return in a reasonable amount of time, I realize something is wrong with my system.. The thought of food may make me want to vomit, but I still realize something is wrong.
Perhaps I am an oddity that my sex drive has remained constant throughout my life into my 40s. It isn't really affected by anything. When I had sex with my wife, I was just as turned on 18 years into the marriage as I was in the beginning!!
I remember my x wife once told me about a couple who were dating where she worked. She said they would go out in their car during lunch breaks and fool around, and sometimes with toys; they weren't shy about talking. I told my wife how sexual desire was usually what brought two people together. Those two weren't going to the car exchanging stories about "American Idol," but they were having fun enjoying sexual activity. Where does that go once together for a while?
Is this post filled with rambling? Yes!
Hi southbound ~
You're not an oddity for having a sex drive that has remained constant. My husband is pretty much the same way.
Men just have a lot of testosterone that helps them have a high physical drive. Women have so much less testosterone in our bodies that we cannot compete with men on the physical drive front - that is why the emotional aspect of it is so important for women. That is also why long-term relationships can get hard - people start to get in a rut, lack excitement, take each other for granted. When that emotional part of it starts to go flat, many women start to really have problems with their drives.
It's just we are all different, as you are realizing. I likely am the same way that your ex-wife was, but I have made a choice to work with my husband, we do a lot of compromising, and it is all good. It sounds like it was your wife's choice not to explore this aspect of her relationship with you.
It's just we are all different, as you are realizing. I likely am the same way that your ex-wife was, but I have made a choice to work with my husband, we do a lot of compromising, and it is all good. It sounds like it was your wife's choice not to explore this aspect of her relationship with you.
Correct, she was not willing to explore it; divorce was her answer.
I read so many stories here of wives who may have low drives, but are willing at some point to try to work on the relationship. My wife was not.
Hi all.
I'm new to this forum and i have picked up some good tips for my marriage. I have been married for 15 years and we have been together for more than 25.
I don't understand i hear the same old stories time and time again.
He or her doesn't undestand my sex drive and i'm no different. I see that there is no easy answers to this. Meanwhile i'll keep reading the many posts, maybe i'll hit the jackpot. Many Thanks.
Understanding sex drive 
), it needs to be discussed - preferably beforehand.
