Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hi all, first post here. I"m glad I was able to find this place. I'm at the point in my 15 year marriage where having sex with my wife just once every 4 months (if I'm lucky) just isn't cutting it anymore. In the beginning I wouldn't say we had a "great" sex life, the majority of the time I would have to initiate it, but at least them, she would be willing to give it up.
The last 5 years, the resistance has gotten so bad, I finally just gave up even trying, and more or less have been trying to tell myself "it's ok, and normal for married couples to have less and less frequent sex." All of this pent up frustration has finally came to a head and I have realized I cannot spend the rest of my life being in an unhappy marriage. For the past couple years or so, I have become more and more emotionally disconnected with her and just feel numb and cold to the whole situation right now.
This week has been a whirlwind of emotions as I finally got to the breaking point after asking for sex and being told no. When asking WHEN we might be able to and her response is "in the fall", that's when I realize something is going to have to change if we are to stay together.
My wife knows that now and after some talking, has let me know that sex has always hurt. I'm not sure if I buy that as a reason (I know sex CAN be painful with some women) because she always talks about all her past sexual experiences with her boyfriends, even the guy that was going into the Navy and she slept with him "just because she didn't want him going into the Navy as a virgin." Oh yeah, that's just what I want to hear, which gets me to thinking, "OK, you willingly gave it up to these guys, but you won't to your own HUSBAND???" And sex hurt then too ????????
Nevertheless, she is making an appointment to see a gynecologist later in July (first available appointment.) I think she's realizing she's getting ready to loose me, either thru divorce, an affair, etc if she doesn't start trying to take care of my emotional and physical needs.
I have been more than patient with her, taken care of her to the point I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, etc, for years, and it hurts me greatly to think that our whole marriage is possibly going south because of this. She does have chronic pain and I know that probably plays a part in this, all of her dr's have told her she needs to start an exercise program and start functioning, and her pain levels will improve, but she has just became so uninterested in taking care of herself, WILL NOT exercise (even walking), sometimes goes 2 or 3 days without washing her hair. I have tried to be the good husband and live up to my vows to honor her in sickness and in health, part of me feels like I will be a failure if I run out on her and abandon her, yet I'm 42 years old and cannot imagine living the next 30 or 40 years as unhappy as I am right now. It's to the point I NEED and crave this physical intimacy because as it is, we're just roommates and I feel like we're in a marriage of convenience with her being the benefactor of it...
I just hope the Dr. can come up with something, anything, that might help bring her sex drive back and that I will be able to learn to love her again. Right now I'm in an emotionally confusing mess with a lot of conflict going on in how I need to handle this situation. I know it is going to take a long time, if I ever DO fall back in love with her again.
Here's some advice.
Make yourself into a man that any woman would want to have sex with. A woman does not want to have sex with a man who cooks and cleans in order to get sex while tolerating her not excersizing and not washing her hair. Also, the sex is painful is just her pulling out the ideal excuse that you cannot argue with.
Hicks has pretty much nailed it. Your wife refuses to take care of herself. And (I don't mean to be rude here) you've partially enabled this. What you need to do is just as Hicks said...start improving yourself. You cannot change your wife. Only she can. Change yourself. Stop cooking for her...cook for yourself. Clean up after yourself, not her. Exercise, stick with it and become healthier and better looking. Go out with friends. Don't ask if it's OK. Tell her you're going out. There are so many things you can and should do to improve your own quality of life. What is your wife going to do...not have sex with you? If you're going to be denied sex, then be denied sex on your terms...by going out, having fun with friends, spending more time at the gym, more time at work, etc.
As for her, "it hurts," I personally thing this is complete and utter BS. Especially since she added the unspeakable pain of telling you about her previous exploits. Even if it's true...even if she does hurt, there are other ways she can satisfy your physical needs without vaginal intercourse. And there is zero excuse for her not fulfilling your emotional needs.
I'm telling you, the key is to work on YOURSELF and the more you can disregard the whole "whether or not she'll have sex with me" factor, the better.
And if you have $10 to spend, download Married Man's Sex Life Primer 2011. It's available on amazon and at marriedmansexlife.com -- the author who posts here frequently is incredible and his book is the best thing I've read on this subject. I've spent $30 on books that were crap. $10 is nothing to, at the very least, guarantee that you'll dramatically improve yourself. And then if your marriage still fails, you hit the singles scene as the best "you" in years or maybe ever.
Okay, guys, I don't disagree with you about a man needing to improve himself. After all, a confident, calm, cool, leader of the household is very attractive. And, a man that has been doing all of the things the poster has and yet has not really pushed the issue has enabled the situation - letting his wife believe that he is really okay with it with the actions he has done over the years.
But, don't be dissing somebody's pain as not valid. We don't know that for sure. If she has chronic pain issues, it could be valid. Just saying. Not everything is just an excuse.
I wouldn't stop doing the things you do. If you like or at least tolerate doing the household stuff, why stop? Or was it just transactional in nature, because that never works.
As far as 'pain' is concerned, seems like an awfully long time to bring it up. I wonder if when she goes to a gynecologist she'll wind up with some vague bull**** idiopathic myalgia which is an expensive way of saying "No f^cking clue!" or "In her head"
On the other hand nonspecific chronic pain or pain-like symptoms can be an additional symptom linked to a major depressive disorder trending to depression psychosis (schizoaffective disorder) . The pain is real but not linked to physical symptoms. But it could be, in cases of self harm. Or there could be some unrelated gynecological problem as well. In any case, self neglect is a good flag for an MDD subtype.
And for what it's worth, your emotional disconnection while somewhat healthier for you, is the perfect sounding board off which her symptoms worsen. It's not your fault, just the way these things evolve.
It's hard to tell, if any of this is even right, what the prognosis is. It could be years or it could be weeks. You mention she was always a little bit like this, so if it's chronic condition it will take time to improve.
Thanks for all the advice and input. To tell you a little more about myself, I do exercise regularly, LOVE to mountain bike ride, can ride 40 to 50 miles comfortably so I'm in pretty decent shape. I try to eat well and maintain my appearance. Like a lot of guys, I do have my share of body hair and take care of that problem regularly
I do agree that I've partially enabled this behavior by NOT saying anything and letting her know how I feel. Part of that stems from a fear of being alone, and taking that big step of hitting the singles scene again, so I've just put up with everything.
We did talk some more last night and both of us do feel like we have been falling out of love for about the past 2 years. We "love" each other, but we're not "in love" with each other.
I think this is probably a fixable situation, with effort from both sides. I think its common to, that when people are no longer "inlove" with each other, then chances are the sex will fall to the wayside, more so for women than men though. That very well may be why it is some people are in sexless marriages right now, due to not being "inlove" anymore, plus add some resentment to it as well, then yep, people have a sexless marriage.
I think this is probably a fixable situation, with effort from both sides. I think its common to, that when people are no longer "inlove" with each other, then chances are the sex will fall to the wayside, more so for women than men though. That very well may be why it is some people are in sexless marriages right now, due to not being "inlove" anymore, plus add some resentment to it as well, then yep, people have a sexless marriage.
Any thoughts on how to fix it? I've suggested marriage counseling, but she doesn't want to discuss our problems with strangers, even though that's what they're paid to do. I'm considering going by myself for a few sessions to see what it's like.
This weekend was not good, alot of tension in the house and we barely even kissed. I'm going to sit down with her tonight and we're going to read a lot of the posts on this forum and hopefully I can get across to her how I'm feeling about everything. Even though I've laid it all out this past week, I want her to see it in writing how lack of sex and intimacy affect marriages..
heartsbreaking, thank you for replying ! It helps to know that there are others in the same situation as I am and that it's not "just me" that is going thru this. Yes, the last couple weeks have definitely been an emotional rollercoaster and I'm expecting more rides ahead
Hurt, confused, and emotionally detached 
And, a man that has been doing all of the things the poster has and yet has not really pushed the issue has enabled the situation - letting his wife believe that he is really okay with it with the actions he has done over the years.
