Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hey, after over 600 posts, I thought I should start my own thread This is probably a draft of one of my chapters - still not fully formed.
What follows is mostly advice for men, but in a few relationships, the male and female roles are reversed, so who knows? it might work for women...
I have spent a lot of time giving my views about sex in marriage in other peoples threads, and in particular how to increase it. One often hears it said that if a man is being turned down by his wife, he should romance her, and bingo - the sex tap will be opened!
But will it work?
Yes, but not in the way that some men are thinking.
I am generalizing here, but men and women are different.
With a man, you press x,y and z button and you get a certain result fairly quickly.
Women also have similar buttons, but it's as if they are connected to the rest of the "machine" by elastic (or even chewing gum) - not steel. You press a button... two buttons all the buttons, and... nothing. Women generally need a sustained signal before they will shift mood. With her buttons you have to press and hold.
So when it comes to romance - even if you get it right - it won't guarantee you sex that night. Or any night. What it can do is tip the scales in your favour.
Romance is just a word. It translates differently for different people. If a man wants to know how he can romance his wife, he needs to be asking himself: how can I make her feel cherished?
Now here is where things get tricky. Firstly, if he doesn't already know what makes her feel cherished, in most cases it's no use asking her! Women more than anything expect telepathy in this department. "Because if he really loved me, he would know what I want". But it can be winkled out of her, the husband just needs to be a little bit crafty. I will come back to this.
The other reason it gets tricky is that even when he does know what makes her feel loved, from time to time and without notice: She changes the rules!
So going back to the telepathy problem, their are a few things that can be done.
1)Cast your mind back to the last time she was very warm and amorous - it may be that you accidentally did or said the right thing. Try it again, and give it some time before you conclude it does not work.
2)In general, pay attention to her. Imagine your pride and joy is a Harley Davidson that you have been restoring. You look at her every time you walk past her. You buy her the best lube you can get your hands on. You think about her often... When you are out riding her, you notice the slightest change in the purr of the engine and investigate immediately to see if something needs attention. So why did you notice a gradual souring of your wife's mood several months ago and just let it go un-dealt with?
When we really, really pay attention quite often the solution will present itself. It could be anything. You may even realise that your wife has been having an affair right under your nose - just to see if you would notice (OK, I threw that in as a shocker, but extreme neglect can have extreme results).
And paying attention is itself a huge turn on for most people - they want to be found interesting.
3)This is the telepathic replacement therapy. If you haven't quite got your telepathy working - fake it. You can ask questions, but only indirectly. Don't ask "what makes you feel loved?", be a bit more cunning.
Mention a couple you know who's relationship is clearly going to the dogs and say, "what a jerk, I'm sure he could have been more demonstrative and loving". Draw her in, and get her to tell you all the things he is doing wrong. Then - when your wife is not looking, write down what ever she said as bullet points. You actually need to write them down because you will forget.
Even better is to wait for her to talk about someone else's marriage without prompting. Again, milk her for info and give her plenty of empathy - nod your head in agreement. Mirror the grave look on her face when she enumerates the Jerk's worst features - that Jerk could be you!
Once you have your info, don't start using it 2 minutes later or she'll smell a rat. Wait a day or two. But don't wait too long; Or she will be thinking - "he can't even see all that stuff I was saying about Mr. Jerk applies to him".
So will I get more sex?
If your wife was feeling neglected, and doing the above makes her feel more loved, then as the atmosphere between you warms, it should lead to less rejection when you try to initiate sex. But don't expect to do a deal: I gave you romance, so you owe me sex.
It's more along the lines of - forest fires are more likely in the summer.
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Always happy to get comments/criticism...
Hey, after over 600 posts, I thought I should start my own thread
Romancing your wife is a great one to start off with
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
The other reason it gets tricky is that even when he does know what makes her feel loved, from time to time and without notice: She changes the rules!
The first thing that popped in my head when I read this was 'flowers'. Let's say you send your wife (or bring home) a bouquet of flowers...she's obviously very happy with your thoughtful gesture and you store this as a 'score' in your mental book. You might go weeks or months and then have that thought again of all of things you love about your wife and decide to get her flowers again...well received once again. This can go on indefinitely either with the flowers or coming up with other things you know would make her day, because you love her.
Now let's say you know your wife has been under a lot of stress lately, a death in the family, stress at work or with the children, etc. and things have dwindled in the sex department leaving you frustrated. She doesn't seem open to talking about it, so you think back into your memory banks and say 'hey, she loves getting flowers...I'll bring her some today!' What if your intentions are to get sex because every time you did this in the past, it led to sex that night.
I would just warn that many times it's not her rules that have changed, it may be your intentions, so be cognizant of your true intentions. It also may well be that the rules have changed. Maybe in her current state, she would feel more loved if you came home and took the children out, brought home dinner or helped with chores she normally does. In this case, flowers may even have a negative impact (great, now in addition to the stress I already have he wants sex!...your act of kindness just backfired)
At the end of the day, it's about what you can give her today to make her feel loved, whether it's your words, actions or gifts the better in touch you are with her and how she is feeling today the more likely you will push the right buttons.
Yes, you are absolutly right Swedish. That's why I make the point that romance should not be engaged in as a deal. I see it as setting the emotional thermostat to warm. So it's not a direct way to get sex. But sex is just more likely to succeed when love is in the air every day.
This is the point I was trying to make, but maybe it got lost in all my words. Many "experts" suggest men should offer candlelit dinners in expectation of sex shortly afterwards. But romance itself is not sexy. It just sets the scene surely?
My feeling is that a marriage that lacks the cherishing of the woman by the man needs to gain that in order for everything else to follow. But it needs to be in the woman's own language, or it wont take.
My feeling is that a marriage that lacks the cherishing of the woman by the man needs to gain that in order for everything else to follow. But it needs to be in the woman's own language, or it wont take.
That is perfect.
I'm sure there are exceptions, but a wife that feels cherished wants to give back to her husband. Many women try to be the first to step up but it's extremely difficult for many to have sex with a man when you don't feel cherished. I can be the first to step up when it comes to biting my tongue, letting little stuff go, doing something nice without expectation, etc. but when it comes to having sex when I'm not feeling loved, that gets unbearable pretty quickly & probably sends more wives to the point of no return than anything else.
2)In general, pay attention to her. Imagine your pride and joy is a Harley Davidson that you have been restoring. You look at her every time you walk past her. You buy her the best lube you can get your hands on. You think about her often... When you are out riding her, you notice the slightest change in the purr of the engine and investigate immediately to see if something needs attention. So why did you notice a gradual souring of your wife's mood several months ago and just let it go un-dealt with?...
When my man come with flowers, all what he had in mind was getting sex? Really?
Darn! i want a divorce!
I thought he was doing it cause he loved me...
I was shocked by the analogy with the Harley Davidson, waw! so men actualy pay so much attention to their cylinder?
but for marriage they need counceling?
why?
For me to see, there should be love, and the rest come from it by itself.
Needing your wife for sex is like being an annimal, with or without flowers..
And you should pay attention to her and love her and care for her, not cause you remember something that last time got you some *****, but because you genuatly care for her and love her and feel to do those things for her.
If not, get a divorce and pay for a ****.
I dont know if i live on planet ZxO and not on earth, but isnt it obvious? And isnt it scary that a husband should be thinking about what to do to get sex? Shouldnt it be a mutual wish coming out of love and not out of a physical and biological need that needs to be satisfied, like animal do?
Is it how you see marriage and romance? A pact and a deal and tricks to get some on the johnny?
I want to be a none!
I thougth of flowers as a thoughtfull gesture to show love and recognition, not a coupon for sex!
Whats next? wives staying at Wall Mart, on line, on a shelter there, with a badge: "give me some 2 dollars flowers and get sex."
Oh yeah! to my husband only! alright, cause we are ethical and things got to be done "rightly"..
If this is marriage, marriage is not for me.
Having to beg to be treated 10 times lower than a Harley, Oh Lord, not me!.
For me to see, there should be love, and the rest come from it by itself.
Love is a verb. You have to do things and then it comes. if you're only doing things b/c you already feel love, then that wont last very long.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ******
And isnt it scary that a husband should be thinking about what to do to get sex?
No trust me the scary part is when they arent thinking about what to do to get sex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ******
Needing your wife for sex is like being an annimal, with or without flowers..
I guess that is one way to look at it. But one might also look at sex as being a source of love itself, and a form of intimacy. From that perspective it might not sound so animalistic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ******
And you should pay attention to her and love her and care for her, not cause you remember something that last time got you some *****, but because you genuatly care for her and love her and feel to do those things for her.
Maybe you havent considered that to some, sex is a way to pay attention to, love, and care for another. Infact, i cant think of any more intimate way to show someone you love them. Afterall, for me personally, i dont give myself to just anyone. But that's just b/c sex is more my love language. Just b/c sex istn necessarily your love language, doesnt mean its a horrible thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ******
I thougth of flowers as a thoughtfull gesture to show love and recognition, not a coupon for sex!
Whats next? wives staying at Wall Mart, on line, on a shelter there, with a badge: "give me some 2 dollars flowers and get sex."
ummm...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ******
If this is marriage, marriage is not for me.
If this is how you view a man wanting sex from you, then ya id say dont think about marriage any time soon.
I wrote this thread for men who were banging their heads against the wall wondering why they did not get more sex. My answer is to demonstrate love - sincerely.
Yet I seem to have made you angry, I don't understand.
But you are correct about one thing. I do believe that we are partly animals with animal needs. If we deny those aspects, they will turn inwards and bite us.
As far as we know animals don't have self awareness in quite the same way as humans. So humans have more going on. we are 100% animal and 100% ego.
we are not animals with animals needs but we do have an instinct. How much human we are epend on how much we are able to control that aspect of us.
Society rules also help to achieve that. but if you get a marriage contract only to can freely behave like an animal then you both lose..
About animal and ego, nobody can be 100% soem thign and 100% another.. thats not mathematicaly correct.
It will be like saying that Obama win by 68 % and Mc Cain win the elction by 57%.. thats 125% in all, that cant be done.. same with your analogy.. it gives 200% in all..cant be done unless you got inflation there .. LOL
Animals have ego too..
its not our ego that make us humans..
its selfawareness and the ability to can control our urges and instinctive mind. Or there will be much more murders goign on..
i beleive that you weere trying to demonstrate love, i was just laughing at that image about giving flowers to a girl inviting hwer to the movie and the restautrant to get sex..
I even read guys writing it was lesss expensive to go to a hore directly and others saying that they were doing so cause it was cheaper than gettign a hore.. but stil they couldnt se why they had to do so to can get soem sex..
Dang!
When i hear that kind of things i think: "have i been sleeping the whole time, or are men really so degenerated and primitive?"
If a man do that only to get sex, then we could as well call it a night. cause th ealone reason why he will get sex is not because the woman think that she got her bargain and now she must give too but because she think tha the is genautly interested in her romanticaly , love her and would like to stay with her. Out of love, and not out of charlie..
if he doesnt have those feelings then he is basicaly cheating her by making her beleive that he have them... and ultimately cheating himslef about life and what women are.
[QUOTE=ljtseng;23485]Love is a verb. You have to do things and then it comes. if you're only doing things b/c you already feel love, then that wont last very long. "
Thats not true at all. Thats completely faulse in fact.
Love is not a verb, love exist on its own, we made a verb and words out of it but it was there before us. Just like water do not need the word water to be, and is not just a word.
Love is a feeling you have and can demonstrate.
what kind of things do you imagine havign to do to make love come? then i will say its an illusion and an autoprogramation but its not love at all. Just an idea.
"No trust me the scary part is when they arent thinking about what to do to get sex. "
you mean just rapping women? or zero sex in the house?
"I guess that is one way to look at it. But one might also look at sex as being a source of love itself, and a form of intimacy. From that perspective it might not sound so animalistic."
I do look at sex as a very important source of intimacy and a way to bond deeply and to show love, becasue oyu feel love for the person, but the way described that the guy got to be told what to do as practicalities to get sex, and not TO MAKE LOVE is not the same. It show an instinctive needs a sexual needs and not a love needs nor a need for intimacy in the sense of bonding and making love. i never said that making love was forbidden and was animalistic, i said that the way to view things who are romantic as just a tric to get the female in the trap and jump her, thats very primitive.. Doign things for her shoudl come naturaly. if you love someone, you naturaly want to show it and you feel happy to do so.
"Maybe you havent considered that to some, sex is a way to pay attention to, love, and care for another. Infact, i cant think of any more intimate way to show someone you love them. Afterall, for me personally, i dont give myself to just anyone. But that's just b/c sex is more my love language. Just b/c sex istn necessarily your love language, doesnt mean its a horrible thing."
I dont think that you understood what i said.. sorry to have to say that.
i am a hot stuff and i love to make love, and are a fire bomb in bed, but for me making love is making love and not "having sex"! how disgusting! having sex is porn, its reducing oneself to a banging machine.
There is no feelings in sex.
There is in making love and real intimacy too. I show my love a lot when i make love and i found it the best way to do so.
But if a guy is to act like he loves me and care for me cause he read it in a book or in a forum here like a manual of what he must do to get me in bed with him then i say stop. Thats emotional manipulation. If there is love between the two then there is understanding and a communication that is easy and they can talk and speak about those things and they can make each others feel good and make love because they both feel like doing it and he will give her flowers or a gift because he loves her not because he feel he got to do that to get some..
"ummm..."
If this is how you view a man wanting sex from you, then ya id say dont think about marriage any time soon".
thats also what i wrote..
I dont care about men wanting sex from me, i care about a man loving me and wanting to make love to me because he loves me and because i love him truely.
If he want sex he can always see a hore.
Well I had pondered on replying to ******, but I see she is no longer with us... Still to be fair to her, when I re-read her posts, I noticed that some of her apparent jibes were just humour but that's the internet for you: it's hard to tell what expression is on someone's face when they are saying something, hence the need for "Smilies"
i just wish there was something similar for men who didn't like sex. I keep thinking that a man who doesn't like sex simply is broken!
I fear that when a man stops wanting sex, he no longer has any interest in the relationship at all.
When a woman doesn't want sex as much, it's seen as a lull, or something that can be recovered. But when it's a man, it's just so unnatural as to be seen as irrevocable.
That was beautiful. Coming from a woman whose husband does the "here are some flowers, can I have sex now?" your article was much, much appreciated. Some men DO get it, it gives me some consolation.
Thanks for getting the tone of my message right. The thing is, sometimes life can seem to boil down to being a deal, and when it does, you might as well make a good deal.
But I don't make my wife feel cherished because I want sex. I do it because I enjoy making her simile. I like making the world a better place, and she just happens to be the biggest part of my world - charity begins at home.
However, I have noticed that when I particularly get it right - she gets extra affectionate. So I can't help myself but to do it even more, because I am sex mad, let's face it.
I wrote this article partly in an attempt to reverse engineer what seems to be working for me.
Here's another insight I had a while ago:
I used to look at my wife across the room say, and think wow, she's looking pretty today. But I never said a word. I just soaked up the sight, and enjoyed it internally. I'm not saying I never complimented her, just that I was not doing it spontaneously when these thoughts came upon me. Then one day, I the same thing happened again and my mouth opened and the words came out - effortlessly. I started making a habit of it. I told her about the process. The other day, she told me that she had been looking at me across the room at me typing on the laptop, and wanted to make some lewd comment about how sexy I looked, but the kids were in the room, so she did not. But it was a boost to here her tell me about it even after the fact.
MEN... want more sex? Will romance help? 
This is probably a draft of one of my chapters - still not fully formed.
