Why can't I be intimate with my H?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-25-2011, 04:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why can't I be intimate with my H?

Novel:

I love my husband and he loves and cares about me more than any other person.

Some background:

We were surprised to find out before we got engaged (dated 3 years prior so it was coming no matter what) that we were expecting a baby. He seemed to have liked this scenario a bit more than I did since I was at the halfway point of finishing my degree and he's already graduated. So it was hard for me to come to terms with putting school off for a year.

We're also financially challenged. That causes some problems and worries for me. I was on a roll to a pre-professional degree so I was very determined to have that before starting a family while his degree in advertising is a little hard to put to use right now. So for the time being, I'm a stay at home mom/full time student and he's in retail. Times are very difficult.

The problem:

He's extremely patient with my not wanting to be intimate. I'm VERY scared that with all the birth control in the world that we're going to get pregnant again so we've only had sex once since we've had our son 9 months ago. I can't have two babies and finish my time consuming and stressful degree. With all the things I have to take on, it seems like being close with him is the last thing on my list. I know it shouldn't be like that. But it's gotten to where kissing becomes a hassle for me. I'm afraid it'll lead to him wanting more which comes to another argument as to why I wont get close to him. We've talked about all this and more but thinking that the next time we can enjoy sex will be after I graduate in four+ years seems a little strange.

I feel like all the pressure is on me. I want so badly for our son to have a home, not a tiny apartment, but a home. So in order for that to happen, I'll have to finish my schooling and begin my career. I'm scared I'll fail if we slip again and we'll forever be on food stamps. I want so much for our son. I want him to be in sports and go to birthday parties and us not stress about how we're going to pay for him to hang out with his friends.

I don't want to say anything because my husband works very hard at what he does to give us the things we need and I'm very thankful!! I don't want him to feel inadequate but his retail job so far wont get us very far. It just seems that our future is up to me and I'm so focused on that right now, I don't know how to concentrate on anything else. I stress very easily and this is freaking me out. Any time I bring this up I kind of feel like he's seeing it as an excuse to get out of having sex again.

I don't know if any of this is related to my issue but I mentioned it anyways. I WANT to be all over him and give him anything he wants but I can't right now. I know why I don't want sex but why don't I want to do other things for him? I feel selfish. I'm very aware of it. And it's not that I don't want to do things for him at all.
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

Hi ~

So, what is your husband's reaction to all of this? I can't imagine a man being real happy to think he's not going to be able to have sex with his wife until she finishes her degree.

It sounds like you are scared to death of getting pregnant again. Have you visited with your ob-gyn on various birth control methods you could use? If you are truly concerned, you could always use something, and then double-up with condoms, if necessary.

In the meantime, is there any reason why you still can't be intimate with your husband? Intercourse isn't the only game in town! What about giving him a hand, or using your mouth? What about him doing the same with you? There are still lots of things you can do with each other and for each other until you can get your birth control situation figured out. Are you willing to do that for him?
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

Quote:
Originally Posted by crawshill View Post
Novel:

I love my husband and he loves and cares about me more than any other person.

Some background:

We were surprised to find out before we got engaged (dated 3 years prior so it was coming no matter what) that we were expecting a baby. He seemed to have liked this scenario a bit more than I did since I was at the halfway point of finishing my degree and he's already graduated. So it was hard for me to come to terms with putting school off for a year.

We're also financially challenged. That causes some problems and worries for me. I was on a roll to a pre-professional degree so I was very determined to have that before starting a family while his degree in advertising is a little hard to put to use right now. So for the time being, I'm a stay at home mom/full time student and he's in retail. Times are very difficult.

The problem:

He's extremely patient with my not wanting to be intimate. I'm VERY scared that with all the birth control in the world that we're going to get pregnant again so we've only had sex once since we've had our son 9 months ago. I can't have two babies and finish my time consuming and stressful degree. With all the things I have to take on, it seems like being close with him is the last thing on my list. I know it shouldn't be like that. But it's gotten to where kissing becomes a hassle for me. I'm afraid it'll lead to him wanting more which comes to another argument as to why I wont get close to him. We've talked about all this and more but thinking that the next time we can enjoy sex will be after I graduate in four+ years seems a little strange.

I feel like all the pressure is on me. I want so badly for our son to have a home, not a tiny apartment, but a home. So in order for that to happen, I'll have to finish my schooling and begin my career. I'm scared I'll fail if we slip again and we'll forever be on food stamps. I want so much for our son. I want him to be in sports and go to birthday parties and us not stress about how we're going to pay for him to hang out with his friends.

I don't want to say anything because my husband works very hard at what he does to give us the things we need and I'm very thankful!! I don't want him to feel inadequate but his retail job so far wont get us very far. It just seems that our future is up to me and I'm so focused on that right now, I don't know how to concentrate on anything else. I stress very easily and this is freaking me out. Any time I bring this up I kind of feel like he's seeing it as an excuse to get out of having sex again.

I don't know if any of this is related to my issue but I mentioned it anyways. I WANT to be all over him and give him anything he wants but I can't right now. I know why I don't want sex but why don't I want to do other things for him? I feel selfish. I'm very aware of it. And it's not that I don't want to do things for him at all.
Here is my input: Stop living your life like it has to be perfect and planned out..... you are not in charge of most of what happens to you anyway. God is!
Use birth control and get to a normal sex life with your husband before he finds someone else. If I were him I would probably already be looking or gone.
Lastly, everything happens for a reason and it is more about how you react to it than what it is.
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Old 06-25-2011, 05:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

"Why can't I be intimate with my H?"


Resentment? That would be my guess.
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Old 06-25-2011, 06:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

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Originally Posted by CallaLily View Post
"Why can't I be intimate with my H?"


Resentment? That would be my guess.


Yah, I think CallaLily hit the nail on the head. Perhaps you resent the fact you've had to push back some of your goals, and that your husband has not been 'motivated' enough to help make your financial lives more secure so you are having to figure out ways to pick up the slack?
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

"I don't want him to feel inadequate but his retail job so far wont get us very far. It just seems that our future is up to me."

"He seemed to have liked this scenario a bit more than I did since I was at the halfway point of finishing my degree and he's already graduated."

You're resentful because you had to put your school on hold and he got his degree so you could have a baby he wanted more than you did. You're resentful because you're stressed about money and you probably expected that two well educated adults should be able to live pretty comfortably. Frustration is when you expect "A" but you get "B". Yet, this is part of life. You have a loving and patient husband, a healthy child, and that aint bad. The stuff will come but it won't add as much to your life as you might imagine. Lots of very rich women wish they had what you possess. I think when most couples look back on their happiest days, they almost always recount the lean years when they had little else but each other. A little macaroni and cheese with someone you love makes a pretty fine meal.
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Old 06-26-2011, 02:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

It is NOT normal to not have sex for 9 months for fear of getting pregnant again. Irrational and also unfair to your husband.

Life is always going to throw you curve balls and you can't control a lot of what happens. You have to learn to be flexible and to not have such high expectations of life being perfect all right away. Your son doesn't give a rat's asss if he lives in an apartment. Your son will be better served by a mother who can roll with the punches and have a happy marriage with his dad (and a happy marriage involves sex).

If you can get counseling, I would do that. My guess is that you are hard on yourself, judgemental of yourself and others and have/had parents who were tough on you. perfectionism is not a good thing and gets in the way of a lot of happiness.

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans (The Beatles) - cliche but true. You need to change your outlook completely. Getting where you want in life and having sex and making the best of things in the meantime are not mutually exclusive goals.
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Old 06-26-2011, 02:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

I'm VERY scared that with all the birth control in the world that we're going to get pregnant again so we've only had sex once since we've had our son 9 months ago.

So after he leaves you will you get the kids? Let us know how that works out against the master plan.

What does that mean with all the birth control in the world? What do you use the first time? The rhythm and blues method? Wishful thinking? I've got think that an IUD is about as idiot proof as it gets.
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Old 06-26-2011, 03:03 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

Birth control is only as good as the woman who uses it. Idiots that tell me they got pregnant on the pill simply did not take it properly. Many of them "forgot" their pill in an effort to trap men. I have been on the pill on and off for years....never had any problems. When condoms broke, I had Plan B on hand. Go buy some to give yourself piece of mind.

You can always buy a house later. I have learned to stop scheduling my life; it just adds undue stress. I no longer get sad that we won't have a home by the time I am 30........we are going to do a lot of travelling, instead of being bogged down with a mortgage and house expenses.

My parents had four kids, mama. They were married for TEN YEARS before they could afford a home. The first 3 of us lived in a beautiful apartment until we were 15, 10 and 3. The spoiled prince of the youngest only knew houses.

How about making do with what you have? My husband and I used our wedding loot to beautify our small space...we bought a new table to eat at and a bookshelf that also doubles as showcase for our wedding pictures and flutes. I am working on buying a bedroom set...we will have it by the end of July. We plan on moving to a bigger apartment and buying a condo or townhouse after that.
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Old 06-26-2011, 04:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

I do think it's rather sweet how some folks still believe a college degree is going to land them an immediately high-paying gig.
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

You are not feeling sexual because you are worried about "male" things like work and providing for a family.

Without trying to re-do the Mommy Wars, I can tell you your child will value you staying home with him more than any house, material good, or birthday party.

Life has thrown you a curve ball. You have to focus on your marriage and your child and not worry about getting a degree or working. Focus on how can you bet the best Mom and Wife on a daily basis. Your child needs a happy marriage to be brought up into. Have faith in your husband and give him appreciation and let him know that you respect him, and this will cause him to work harder for you and his child. Good luck to you.
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Old 06-27-2011, 09:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
You are not feeling sexual because you are worried about "male" things like work and providing for a family.

Without trying to re-do the Mommy Wars, I can tell you your child will value you staying home with him more than any house, material good, or birthday party.

Life has thrown you a curve ball. You have to focus on your marriage and your child and not worry about getting a degree or working. Focus on how can you bet the best Mom and Wife on a daily basis. Your child needs a happy marriage to be brought up into. Have faith in your husband and give him appreciation and let him know that you respect him, and this will cause him to work harder for you and his child. Good luck to you.
@ Hicks: Oooh-lah-lah, Hicks. You like living dangerously, don't you?

@ OP: Personally, the decision as to whether to stay home, go to work, return to school, etc. needs to made jointly and worked out between you and your husband.

Why don't you sit down with him, express all of your concerns, and come up with some kind of game plan - WHATEVER that may be? And don't feel bad if you don't want to be a SAHM. I am not, nor have ever been a SAHM. My H and I have a great marriage, but it takes a lot of work and compromise. I did compromise some on my career - that was all right by me. I also am at the point where I work from home half the time. The point is to do what is right for YOU and YOUR marriage.
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Old 06-27-2011, 03:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

First of all, birth control isn't that hard. If you're super paranoid, double up. Use an IUD, spermicide, and withdrawal. If that's too much risk, read up on some non-vaginal intercourse ideas. The internet is full of them.

Second, you have about 10 years before your child is *****ing that he doesn't have as many toys, or as nice a house as his friends. So that's obviously your issue, not his.

Third, you sound pretty spoiled. You haven't achieved your life's goals by the ripe old age of 22? So you're going to take it out on your husband, since he knocked you up (like you weren't involved)? Get over it.

As Lou Holtz said, “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.”
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I be intimate with my H?

Me thinks you might want to remember your vows and be a wife. Otherwise you are likely soon to find out how hard it can really get when you are alone without anything but goverment handouts. You are being incredibly selfish.
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