Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Just 9 weeks ago I gave birth to our second child. My son is almost 3. Since he was born I have not had as much interest in our romantic life. Yesterday I caught my husband watching a "video" online. I walked into the room when he x'd out of it. When I asked what the video was about he lied and said nothing, just news. I had to pull it out of him. I found out he's been watching these videos for a long time if the night before we started something and didn't follow through.
This made me realize something has to change. Everytime I start to get interested about getting intimate something inside me holds me back and I stop and lose interest. I don't know why. Does anyone have any advice to help me? Anything would be greatly appreciated.
Well, it's not uncommon for women to have a dip in their libidos after having children. Hormonal changes, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, and body image issues after birth can all contribute to that. However, sometimes as new mothers we tend to forget about what it may be like for our husbands as well. It's very easy to get caught up in ourselves and our babies.
It sounds like your husband is sorely missing the intimacy in your marriage. So, some of the issues above could have contributed to your lack of desire, and perhaps now that you found him watching videos (I'm assuming porn), you may feel even worse and a bit resentful too.
So, are you willing to help him out? It's pretty much a choice you can make. I may not always feels like doing it, but my H and I have an "open door" policy and he can try and get me aroused when he is. It usually works, and makes our marriage much closer.
If the videos are really bothering you, you need to have a talk with your husband about that. But, it really sounds like he might just be missing you badly.
Edited to Add:
Here's a good book that may enlighten you as to what your husband may be feeling. I found it a helpful read.
It's not unusual for a new mom to feel a little different about sex but your son is almost 3. This isn't "your" problem. This is a couple problem and a fairly common one. Your husband needs intimacy with you but you also need the same from him, whether you immediately realize it or not. Moms do what must be done because babies don't feed and change themselves or drive themselves to the doc. You are the only person on this earth available to fulfill your husband's needs for intimacy, nurturing, tenderness, etc. If that need is neglected, maybe he leaves, maybe he won't, but something inside of him will surely die. Your relationship with your husband nourishes your son. Keep that fire going and it'll nourish your grandkids and great-grandkids, too. Your son is learning right now how a husband treats his wife. Wouldn't it be great if he learned that come hell or high water, the one thing he can count on is the love Mom and Dad have for each other and for him?
Your husband has stuck around through this drought. Preumably, he supports his family and he's been a good father. That sounds like a pretty solid guy to me. There are lots of ways to be intimate and a lot of reasons to be intimate. We have to justify everything we do to ourselves. If you reject him, you have to also convince yourself that he's unworthy, you're unattractive, etc. The more you are intimate with him, the more you'll convince yourself that it's important to you, too. When folks start running for exercise, most hate it but those who stick with it often end up addicted to running. They love it, look forward to it, and can't imagine living without running.
Uh, 9 weeks ago she gave birth. Care to change your tune?
She mentioned it's been going on since the birth of the first boy 3 years ago. I think there are lots of ways to cultivate intimacy with your husband, no matter how small, that soon after birth - if you are willing. It doesn't have to be intercourse.
I think the bigger thing will be to address the feelings of resentment both of them may have - he for the length of time it's been going on, and she for how he has maybe handled it in the interim.
Enchantment, I agree, but I think it's wonderful that this lady sees this as a problem and she's interested in helping to correct it. You're 100% right, though. These are "couple" problems and require understanding and participation from both sides.
Thank you for your help. I have talked with my husband who didn't know these issues were bothering me this much. We have agreed to make two nonegotiable appointments with each other each week and one date night every other week. He has agreed that if he's feeling unwanted in any way he will tell me, which I have agreed the same. Thank you again for your responses.