Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. She is 31 and I am 37, we have 2 kids, 4 and 2.
About a month ago my wife told me that she is having a “pre-mid” life crisis. She said that she has lost her identity and independence. We have the luxury of my wife staying home with our kids. She left a teaching job to take care of our 2 kids.
One thing she suggested to help her was to have both of us start taking a day or two every other weekend to do something for our selves. It could be whatever we want. Her thought was to give each person some personal time to do anything. She has been going out with her sister and staying the night. Then she comes home in the afternoon the next day after unwinding. This was totally fine with me and seemed like a logical way of dealing with her loss of Independence.
This weekend she told me that its more than just wanting time to herself. She now says that she has the feeling of wanting to sleep with other men. It’s not that she wants to run out and just start sleeping with everyone. Its just that she doesn't want to make a mistake one night without letting me know her feelings first. She told me that she doesn't think that monogamy makes sense in a marriage. She doesn't think that is logical for me to be able to give her everything. She misses the butterflies of meeting someone new and misses the freedom of going out on first dates. We have a great relationship and she does truly love me. She just said she needs more right now. She has given me the option as well and actually told me to do this about 6 months ago. This was before she told me about her feelings of wanting the same option. Since then I have actually gone home with 2 women and had one night stands. She told me this was a way to spice things up in our relationship. After i told her about my one night stands we had great sex and it did get things going. I am just not sure I am secure enough to be OK with the same thing. I feel bad that I cant offer her the same option. She says sex is sex and she doesnt want to create an emotional tie with these guys. Its just a way to satisfy the itch of that freedom and liberating feeling that it used to give her. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is anyone else in an open marriage which is what she is wanting. I love her and my kids, I love our family and we really do have a great thing going on. I am just confused.
No, no open marriage here. We are too protective of each other and our marriage to do that. We believe marriage is between only two committed people, all others keep out. By doing so, we have no problems with jealousy, STDs, or confusion over other emotional entanglements developing.
Sounds like your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. That doesn't usually happen in real life.
Adding other people, or having sex with other people doesn't usually add spice to your sex life, I'm sorry, and yes you can tell yourself all day long that it does. She isn't connected to you or the marriage and now sounds like you are not either. If you both want your marriage to work and survive and be more healthy having sex with others isn't the answer.
She has fed you some BS lines. I imagine she was already sleeping with other men when she told you it was something she wanted to try. She wants someone else to scratch that itch for her, because you no longer can, if so, she wouldn't be wanting other men, sorry, you should take that as a blow to your marriage. Sleeping with others while married isn't about spicing things up, its about a selfish sexual need that just one person can't fulfill. Funny how she tells you monogamy doesn't make sense in a marriage, because I doubt thats what she told you when you all dated and got married to begin with. I imagined it all changed once another man took interest in her or vice versa.
At first I thought that she had already been with someone else, but I honestly dont think thats the case. We have been talking about this and other feelings she is having for a couple weeks now. Oddly enough we have had a lot of sex. She doenst want to hurt me and is very honest, so if she had been with someone she would have told me. I guess I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I am just wondering if someone else has gone down this path and what their experience was.
Are you truly ok with all of this? If not, you need to tell her that. Make it clear to her this isn't acceptable and its NOT what a marriage about two people is about. if she wants to sleep with others, for whatever reason she has, then let her and while she is doing that, hand her divorce papers and tell her to have fun.
I guess I am not sure what I am OK with. She said that it might never happen at all. Its just what she is feeling right now.
The problem is that I dont want to get divorced because I dont want to be a part-time dad. I dont want to miss my time with my children. For that matter I dont want to miss her. I love her and I guess I need to decide what I am willing to give up.
Tell her you do believe in monogamy, between two married people. Tell her you also believe in "spicing" things up and that it should be between you and her, not other men too. Tell her its unacceptable for her to want to do this to you and your marriage.
If she doesn't care what you say, then you have your answer. She is wanting her cake and eating it too, doesn't work that way. If she doesn't care what you say, then tell her since you believe in monogamy and she doesn't, that you have an itch as well, and its called separation papers, and that you feel by her signing it, it will help ease that itch. After all, these are the things she told you when wanting to have sex with others.
Of course all of this is based on that you feel what she is doing is wrong and want to save your marriage, but if it gives you the outlet to go and have sex too, then you both are a great match.
Confused - let's see if I have this right. 6 months ago your wife told you to go out and have ONS and she would spend time with her sister going to the movies and art showings. Then you tell her about your adventures and great sex ensure.
Now she springs the big one on you. She wants to do what you did. There is the rub - she played you like a fine fiddle. Here is what may really may have happened.
She has the urge to have sex with men other than your good self but uses a very cleaver way to go about getting what she wants. She test you - giving you permission to cheat which of course you do, never thinking that you were in for the same from her. Fool. Now she has you where she wants tge traps been sprung and she can now do what she wanted to do in the first place. There is not much you can do now with out seeming to use two standards of behavior one for her and one for you.
What is done is done- you were quick to break your marriage vows with no thought of what you were doing accept to think you were lucky to be able to cheat with no consequences. You were living everyone dream now you are facing every man's nightmare.
You don't want her to have other men but you want other women. Either you committ to you wife and marriage or divorce and go your separate ways. This was not a problem when you took two women home to have sex so why is it such a big problem now?
Why did you let this into your marriage? You have to start from the beginning - you were very ready to cheat on her and by that you demonstrated the weakness of your commitment she may have suspected that. Now you have the task of examining why you were so quick to cheat and fix the problems in your relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
I think its a little odd she would tell you to go do this, and you did. Did it not occur to you, to NOT do this. That it sounded a little weird or off to you?
She baited you, and you took that bait. IMO, and I know you believe her to be a honest person, but IMO, I think its highly possible she had already been with another man, and she felt some guilt there, so she told you to go out an have some ONS. You're in a mess for sure.
I know you may think I am being gullible but I believe that she has not been with someone else. I agree that she wants her cake and wants to eat it too.
Again, I am just curious if anyone else has an arrangement like this or has an experience at least talking about it with their spouse.
I know its not for everyone, its a very liberal way of thinking. But, I guess I cant decide where I am on it. But I will need to figure it out before she is with anyone.