Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
View Poll Results: How often were you and your spouse intimate during the first year of your marriage?
Look, she's being pretty honest with you. She's saying no not never right up front. Consider that one time before your wedding day just a mistake. I don't know if your faith has monasteries or nuns and whatnot but that's where she belongs. You should get some sort of annulment and chalk it up to a learning experience. It's a waste of time to pursue this.
The situation you describe will be very hard to overcome. It is not impossible, but would be very difficult and there is no guarantee that it ever changes. In fact, will probabably get worse. I would recommend going the divorce route before a baby comes along.
Only you, along with your wife, know the level of commitment that you have in trying to resolve this problem. You should not think you need to jump immediately to divorce/annulment if you are BOTH committed to resolving this. If your wife shows no commitment to working on this, then you can consider other options.
I would suggest that you do get this issue resolved first, one way or another, before you think of having children together.
Thank you all for your input. It's very helpful. Please keep it coming. I'm a believer in taking in all sides of an argument before making a decision.
My suggestion would be that if she is willing to show commitment to working on this and you want to exhaust all of your options first, then she should be willing to go to a sex therapist/counselor with you. If she is willing to do that and you can see some traction there, you can decide where to go from there. If she's not willing to entertain doing much of anything to overcome this, then you have your answer, I guess, and you can be confident that you tried your best.
Don't bring any children in to the situation until it gets resolved one way or another.
No matter what someone else says, this will be a a complicated project that takes alot of time and effort and there is no guarantee it willl work, and even if it works there is no guarantee that it will last. One of the things you have to realize is she may become "cured" when her bio clock tells her it's time to have kids... and this cure will be over the minute a child comes.
Given what you describe, your wife has a mental flaw that quite possible she will never get over. I'm sorry to point this out. I would at least be giving her an ultimatum... Telling her that if the marriage is not sexual then it is not a marriage in either your eye's or God's eyes and that you are going to make it official.
No matter what someone else says, this will be a a complicated project that takes alot of time and effort and there is no guarantee it willl work, and even if it works there is no guarantee that it will last. One of the things you have to realize is she may become "cured" when her bio clock tells her it's time to have kids... and this cure will be over the minute a child comes.
Given what you describe, your wife has a mental flaw that quite possible she will never get over. I'm sorry to point this out. I would at least be giving her an ultimatum... Telling her that if the marriage is not sexual then it is not a marriage in either your eye's or God's eyes and that you are going to make it official.
There are no guarantees about anything in life - except death.
You can just as easily marry what seems to be the perfect spouse and have it go in to the weeds years later for any number of reasons. Like I said - no guarantees about anything.
Sawney,
Totally agree daily sex is normal healthy at that age with no kids.
I also believe that his pattern of asking daily in the face of constant rejection shows very poor coping skills.
He is not responding to her sexual cues at all and likely not paying attention to her general emotional cues.
If he doesn't turn down the temperature game over.
OTE=Sawney Beane;360083]With all due respect MEM, he's been married less than a year, and by a rough bit of maths must be in his early 20's or so. His wanting sex every day is not abnormal. If he's crowding / smothering her by being normal, what other normal patterns of behaviour are going to be a problem too?
MEM may well be right, BUT just in case it isn't just smothering, but she really does have a probelm with sex as well, make a contingency plan.
Hopefully this will send her the message you aren't crowding her and she'll open up to you. On the other hand, if she interprets you being "way less loving" as as you simply being mean or rejecting her, have a contingency plan. If she is just glad you aren't bothering her for sex, but are friendly, and simply carries on as she is, thinking you've come round to her way of thinking, have a contingency plan.
If she holds the view that sex in marriage is not a good thing, but simply a better thing than sex outside marriage (which is really bad), and should be avoided except for procreation or otherwise only done at the barest minimum level required to prevent straying, you have problem. Short of a Damascene moment, she will not let go of this belief.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
I believe when people tell you the truth about themselves you should listen. She believes sex is wrong. And if you want it daily then you've got the wrong woman. This isn't even about a low drive spouse marrying a high drive one. This is flat out a deep seated belief that sex is wrong. Even if she commits herself to changing it will likely take YEARS to do. YEARS if not a decade. Are you willing to wait that long on the hopes that she "might" change? My bet is she will never get over this. She needs to NOT be married.
My vote is at only a year into a marriage with no kids I'd run. This isn't going to end well.
Sawney,
Totally agree daily sex is normal healthy at that age with no kids.
I also believe that his pattern of asking daily in the face of constant rejection shows very poor coping skills.
No arguement here
Quote:
He is not responding to her sexual cues at all and likely not paying attention to her general emotional cues.
No, he isn't - because there are no sexual cues to respond to! Unless you count "I feel sex is immoral", which as cues go is up there with "p*ss off and stop bothering me".
Quote:
If he doesn't turn down the temperature game over.
I just don't see turning the temperature down as a winning plan here. I can only see two responses from her: either resentment because she feels he's withdrawing the love she feels she deserves over something she feels is plain wrong, or relief because she thinks he's come round to her point of view. Neither of these is a winner
So does anyone see this working out at all? I still love her and I don't want to lose her, but sex is a huge part of a good marriage and I don't know if I can keep going like this. I'm not sure how to say it without it sounding like a contradiction. The love is there, but I don't feel a real connection with her anymore. My worry is that if this keeps going the way it is, the love will start to go as well.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm gonna fight like hell for this. I don't quit anything without a fight, but does anyone see us beating this?
Come on. Someone has to be holding out a little hope.
Come on. Someone has to be holding out a little hope.
Nope when someone says sex is wrong that's pretty much a dealbreaker. It's kinda like if you want kids and the other doesn't. This isn't anything you can compromise on. It's either there or it isn't. Plain and simple.
Well, the path to fixing it and the path to divorce is the same path. It involves you holding her accountable to living in a sexual marriage, and a marriage where she is accountable to meet your needs. It involves you inviting her to be in a proper marriage or she makes the choice whether to a) stay and work on her sexual attitude or b) chooses to leave your zone.
Every once in a while, she'll come home and we'll be amazingly intimate, she'll really be into it and I really feel a reconnection with her (this has happened maybe three times total). At that point I feel like we're making progress, until I find out that it came from a church sermon, article, or discussion that really inspired her to open up, which means that it won't ever happen again.
I don't mean to state the obvious but I will anyway, there's something big in this. The approval for her to know it's okay. Maybe you need to start going to church daily.
I liked what 'fhg1983' suggested. I think if you can truly listen to her, even if you decide to divorce, it could save you looking back later and having unanswered questions. Once you have a good understanding from her, not from your own assumptions, you'll be able to decide whether it's workable or not for you. Then again, sex is really important to a relationship and you could just move on now before wasting any more time.
Re: My Wife's Moral Issues with Sex 
