Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-28-2011, 09:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Default Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Hello everyone.

I am a newbie here.

I am 28 years old and my husband is 40 years old. We've only been married for almost two years. We're a regular couple relationship wise,

One thing that really bothers me is that, He is not sexually active, I dont know if i should say "not sexually active anymore, or not sexually active at all"... We do it once or twice a month the most and its very quick.. I understand about stress at work, financial , or health or having a bad day... but at my age right now, its kinda difficult, I am sexually active and he tells me he is too... but once or twice a month isnt active for me... and with those times, he looks forced to do it because i get upset. Its not even love making, its just a "just-to-get-over-it" thingy...Im not just even into the intercourse only,. Theres no kisses, no hugs, no touches,. just nothing.. One of our usual fight is because i always ask for a hug, and he said its too much..

I dont know what to do anymore.. I always get rejected, I feel unwanted, this is hurting me emotionally,. I stopped asking for intimacy because of my fear of being rejected again., but at the same time, its making me act cold to him.. I cant help it., I feel unwanted , useless , worthless....

I hope that someone can enlighten me with my situation.
I dont want to give up my marriage but whats happening to us is leading me to have those decisions in my mind...
newyork28 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-28-2011, 09:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,960
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newyork28 View Post
Hello everyone.

I am a newbie here.

I am 28 years old and my husband is 40 years old. We've only been married for almost two years. We're a regular couple relationship wise,

One thing that really bothers me is that, He is not sexually active, I dont know if i should say "not sexually active anymore, or not sexually active at all"... We do it once or twice a month the most and its very quick.. I understand about stress at work, financial , or health or having a bad day... but at my age right now, its kinda difficult, I am sexually active and he tells me he is too... but once or twice a month isnt active for me... and with those times, he looks forced to do it because i get upset. Its not even love making, its just a "just-to-get-over-it" thingy...Im not just even into the intercourse only,. Theres no kisses, no hugs, no touches,. just nothing.. One of our usual fight is because i always ask for a hug, and he said its too much..

I dont know what to do anymore.. I always get rejected, I feel unwanted, this is hurting me emotionally,. I stopped asking for intimacy because of my fear of being rejected again., but at the same time, its making me act cold to him.. I cant help it., I feel unwanted , useless , worthless....

I hope that someone can enlighten me with my situation.
I dont want to give up my marriage but whats happening to us is leading me to have those decisions in my mind...
Get out before you waste any more time with him.

He won't change much if at all.
chillymorn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 10:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Hi New York ~

Have you and your husband ever had a satisfying sexual relationship together, or is it something that has slipped since getting married?

Is your husband watching a lot of porn and/or masturbating a lot - basically supplanting making love with you with masturbation?
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 10:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
Get out before you waste any more time with him.

He won't change much if at all.
@ chilly ~ We do not know whether he will change or not because we do not know what the problem is (perhaps it is physical and can be helped) and we do not know him and their relationship.

@ OP - What is the level of commitment from you and from your husband to be able to get to the root of the problem and work on it?
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 10:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Hi New York ~

Have you and your husband ever had a satisfying sexual relationship together, or is it something that has slipped since getting married?

Is your husband watching a lot of porn and/or masturbating a lot - basically supplanting making love with you with masturbation?
Before we got married, we were in a long distance relationship., Everytime he visits me for 2 weeks, we were very active., I even thought that its very nice and didnt expect that it would change when we got married... Even on a long distance relationship, we were even doing the cyber thingy... so that made me have an impression that he's a normal active guy..

He doesnt watch porn since the wedding, and doesnt masturbate too, not that i know of..
newyork28 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 10:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Do you talk with him about this, and if so, what does he say?

Have you looked at potential physical issues - low thyroid/low testosterone?

Has he ever been married before or been in any long-term relationships? He's not gay/bi?
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 10:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Do you talk with him about this, and if so, what does he say?

Have you looked at potential physical issues - low thyroid/low testosterone?

Has he ever been married before or been in any long-term relationships? He's not gay/bi?
I talked to him about this and he said im just too aggressive... and he said , for him, hes active... (i dont think so)...

He has Hypothyroidism... is that also a factor?

hes never been married before and im his longest relationship. almost 4 years from dating 'til now..
newyork28 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 11:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newyork28 View Post
I talked to him about this and he said im just too aggressive... and he said , for him, hes active... (i dont think so)...

He has Hypothyroidism... is that also a factor?

hes never been married before and im his longest relationship. almost 4 years from dating 'til now..
If he's "active", meaning masturbating, then he should stop so that his sexual energy can be directed to you.

Yes, hypothyroid can have an impact on sex drive if it is not yet controlled. Is he 'euthryoid' - meaning he not only has thyroid levels within an acceptable range, but he also feels like he doesn't have symptoms. Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked? Sometimes one hormone being messed up like thyroid, can cause others hormones to also be messed up. (I am not a male, but I have severe hypothyroidism and struggle to be consistently euthyroid.)

Do you know what went on in his other relationships? Why they failed?

Lastly, does he see your lack of intimacy as a problem too - that he would be willing to work with you on?
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 11:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,573
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Okay I may get slammed for this but what is a 40 year old doing with a 28 year old? Is he incapable of relationships with women his own age? I say this because when I was younger I dated a couple of much older guys and they had some damage from prior relationships. One was impotent. For men sex is just as much mental as it is physical.

So I'm wondering what happened with his other relationships prior to you? He might have issues that have nothing to do with you but it's his fears and insecurities about committed relationships.

My vote is if he doesn't quickly want to remedy this problem then I'd consider running. It will NOT likely get better. I say this because of his age.
magnoliagal is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-28-2011, 12:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,960
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post
Okay I may get slammed for this but what is a 40 year old doing with a 28 year old? Is he incapable of relationships with women his own age? I say this because when I was younger I dated a couple of much older guys and they had some damage from prior relationships. One was impotent. For men sex is just as much mental as it is physical.

So I'm wondering what happened with his other relationships prior to you? He might have issues that have nothing to do with you but it's his fears and insecurities about committed relationships.

My vote is if he doesn't quickly want to remedy this problem then I'd consider running. It will NOT likely get better. I say this because of his age.

chillymorn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-30-2011, 08:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,600
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

You bring up your legitimate concern to him and he dismisses you outright with "you're too aggressive" or some BS excuse. I didn't read anything in your post that suggests he intends to cooperate with you to improve the situation. His response seems to be "this is what it is, so shut up and deal with it." Couples can turn these things around, but I believe both have to agree that it's a problem. Your goal is to increase sexual frequency/intimacy. His goal seems to be to get you to quit bugging him about it.
unbelievable is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-30-2011, 09:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 797
Default Re: Husband is not sexually active.. What will I do?

My sense is that your H has commitment/intimacy issues. This would explain his late-in-life marriage, his 4 year long-distance relationship with you, and now his lack of sexual intimacy with you. Guys who fear commitment will pursue you until they have you, but once they get close to you, they begin to feel afraid or suffocated or both, and to alleviate those feelings, they create distance in the relationship by withholding sex, working long hours, drinking, cheating, or a combination of all of those things. He may not even be aware he's doing it. All he knows is that getting close to you scares him and so he pulls back in whatever way he can.

If you had a more active sex life before and this has cropped up since the marriage, I am guessing this is the problem. And only your H can fix it....through lots of therapy. But if he's not willing to get help or recognize the problem, you are in for a long, unhappy roller-coaster ride with him if you remain married.

As a start, if he won't go to therapy, you should go by yourself.
Laurae1967 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I was more sexually active when I was single... danix4u Sex in Marriage 16 08-14-2012 11:09 PM
Husband has shut down sexually Eire Sex in Marriage 11 01-22-2012 04:47 PM
Sexually active with husband while he was having an EA? Questions! lostlindsey Sex in Marriage 36 01-10-2012 10:48 PM
Husband never been sexually attracted SurprisedWife Sex in Marriage 12 08-07-2011 09:49 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:49 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.