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Fiance doesn't give blow jobs. Should I call of the wedding/

38K views 252 replies 74 participants last post by  MotoDude 
#1 ·
Ok maybe the title is a little extreme but that's how I feel right now. I've been dating an awesome woman for a year now and she made me wait 5 month before we had sex. She's 8 years younger than me and while I was previously married for 11 years, she has only had one other sexual relationship in her life. My last marriage ended due to infidelity on my ex's part and during the last 3 years of our marriage, we had sex less than 10 times. A sexless marriage sucks and that's not something I want to go through again. With all that being said, sex with my fiance has been good for the most part. It's mainly just been standard intercourse with me giving her oral sex. She never gave me blow jobs in the beginning and I never pushed the issue. Still, I wondered why she never did that since I would always happily go down on her. We were getting intimate last night and I told her to give me a blow job. She looked at me like I just stole the last apple and she said she doesn't do that. She said it was demeaning and she would never "put that thing anywhere near my face". She got so worked up about it that she killed the mood and made me leave her apartment. I've been texting her all day and she hasn't responded because she says she needs time to herself. I'm so upset because I don't think giving a blow job is demeaning but she is acting like I demanded a blood diamond from her. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the best of me but I'm strongly considering cancelling the wedding and just moving on with my life. I figure that if she is dictating what is right and wrong at this stage of the relationship. I may be already headed towards another sexless marriage. Still, I'm confused about what to do because I really love her. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice would be appreciated.
 
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#4 · (Edited)
With extremely rare exception does an "old dog ever learn new tricks!" Regarding the loving act of oral sex, it's rather apparent that while she has absolutely no problems in receiving that love, she conversely has trouble in bestowing it to you. That also would tend, over the due course of time, to make its way into the other psychological as well as the physiological aspects of your lives ~ Ergo, she is nothing more than a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off~ and, I might add, not in a good way!

Let's just say that I'm in total agreement with my TAM brethren here that you direly need to keep searching until such time that "that very special woman" meets, as close as possible, all of those very same expectations that you do in freely being able to fully subject themselves to both lovingly and unselfishly, giving and receiving, both inside and outside of the boudoir! That is the one true standard of measurement of the size of their heart ~ one that is dictated moreso out of unselfish love and definitely not out of fearful aversion!

Just saying!
 
#9 ·
That might be the case, but imo, it's no excuse. This is not just "some guy", nor is this a man she can't trust.

Sex, and sexual acts, are one of those things that people run away from at the first sign of trouble, which sucks. If you have a bad burger at one restaurant, not too many people swear off burgers entirely, at every other restaurant, too. You just don't go back that particular one, and/or you are more diligent about where you eat in the future.

Sex tends to be that one thing where one bad experience is enough to make somebody say "never again", and that's not healthy.

I don't want to turn this thread into what these threads usually turn into, but I just don't get the whole aversion to oral sex thing, at all. I'm a heterosexual male, and I've never put a penis in my mouth, but I have a hard time understanding what would be so bad about it if it was the norm. (if I was gay, or a woman, I mean).

As far as it possibly being demeaning, I don't get that, either. My wife likes to do it from behind, on all fours. She's not looking at me, there's no eye contact or embrace, and she's sticking her a** out at me. Doggy style is a purely sexual position, no love or intimacy involved, yet it's the "norm" for most couples. I'm not insulted and I don't feel demeaned when she turns around and sticks her a** at me without asking or saying anything, even though this theoretically means "f*** me" rather than "make love to me".

Good sex is equal parts of each, imo, and this involves giving and receiving, as well as varying positions that are good, or better, for one partner.
 
#10 ·
I'm concerned that you are just discovering this aversion of hers a year into the relationship and after you have proposed marriage. Learning from your first marriage that sex is very important to you and your happiness you should have tested this compatibility early on. I would say to work with her on this but her reaction was not just "I'm uncomfortable doing that" but rather "hell no!"and then to leave and not speak to you.....very strange. It's possible there is a history of abuse here. It's certainly worth sitting her down to try to discuss. She needs to understand how important sex is to you.
But if you let it go now.....yes, you're in for a virtually sexless marriage again.
 
#12 ·
Ok maybe the title is a little extreme but that's how I feel right now. I've been dating an awesome woman for a year now and she made me wait 5 month before we had sex.
She MADE you wait? That should have been a warning sign right there. Waiting is all well and good if both parties want to take it slow, but if you felt resentful then about her forcing you to jump through hoops about starting to be sexual, it isn't going to get any better! You were sexually incompatible from the start.

She's 8 years younger than me and while I was previously married for 11 years, she has only had one other sexual relationship in her life. My last marriage ended due to infidelity on my ex's part and during the last 3 years of our marriage, we had sex less than 10 times. A sexless marriage sucks and that's not something I want to go through again.
So focus on finding someone who IS sexually compatible with you. You'll have a lot better luck with continuing your search than you will with changing your fiancee.

With all that being said, sex with my fiance has been good for the most part. It's mainly just been standard intercourse with me giving her oral sex. She never gave me blow jobs in the beginning and I never pushed the issue. Still, I wondered why she never did that since I would always happily go down on her. We were getting intimate last night and I told her to give me a blow job. She looked at me like I just stole the last apple and she said she doesn't do that. She said it was demeaning and she would never "put that thing anywhere near my face". She got so worked up about it that she killed the mood and made me leave her apartment.
Yes, definitely sexually incompatible! In the new romance stage of things, she should be eager to be all over you. It's certainly not going to happen later!

I've been texting her all day and she hasn't responded because she says she needs time to herself. I'm so upset because I don't think giving a blow job is demeaning but she is acting like I demanded a blood diamond from her. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the best of me but I'm strongly considering cancelling the wedding and just moving on with my life. I figure that if she is dictating what is right and wrong at this stage of the relationship. I may be already headed towards another sexless marriage. Still, I'm confused about what to do because I really love her. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice would be appreciated.
You love who you WISH she would be, not the woman you actually have in front of you. Just as she's apparently reconsidering marrying you because of your awful desire to have her touch your **** with her mouth, you should be reconsidering because of her prudish nature.

By the way, she'll try to convince you that you're a shallow selfish ******* for only wanting a woman willing to give a blow job, or thinking that the rest of her is worthless because of this one small thing. Don't fall for it. This is just the symptom that has you looking at the entire illness.

You need sexual compatibility in a mate. The wife you need is one who is more sexually adventurous than this woman. She's inexperienced, true, but obviously not willing to explore that with you and expand her horizons. Part ways. Be glad you made this discovery before the wedding.
 
#14 ·
I've got this awesome golden retriever that loves to fetch a tennis ball, but when she brings it to me she will not let it go. Then if I try to take it from her mouth she growls and gets all upset as if I am taking blood diamonds from her. Because I can never get the ball back means we can't keep playing our game of fetch, and I only get to throw just once. Why have a retriever that can't play fetch? Should I put her down?

...No, you throw something (anything) else, and THEN you get the tennis ball back!!!!

Cheers,
Badsanta
 
#16 ·
With dogs like this, you always have to have two balls going at once since they'll only drop the ball once they see about to throw another one. I'm sure you're not suggesting he should have two balls going at once.....
 
#15 ·
You can always get a second retriever who does play nice. Second wives aren't legal - yet. Thus it is necessary to pick a good one-only future wife.
 
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#18 ·
Or, you can try the same things with a different person and should not just focus on the one person that gets you stuck.
 
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#20 ·
I admit I do this all the time while masturbating. For example, the teenage version of myself was a freaking prude when it came to ideas for pleasuring myself. Now I am with a version of myself that knows what I like, although I do sometimes go through tough times when I get focussed on not letting myself buy the Cobra Libre because it is too expensive.
 
#19 ·
If the BJs are a very important aspect to any future relationship you wish to have, then the logical thing to do would be to end your current one before you find yourself bound and unhappy in the future.

You're experienced enough from your first marriage (I hope) to know that people do not fundamentally change unless they desire to with all their heart. Only then must they go through a trial period where they demonstrate the ability to change. Just because she says (or you think) that things will improve does not make them so.

It's not wrong for your fiancee to dislike BJs, some women simply do not like them, therefore what she needs is a man who does not find them to be necessary for an intimate bond or connection. That man is not you from the sounds of it.

There are many women in the world that love giving a BJ and are more than willing to do so without prompting or begging. If this is what you desire then it is for you to go and find it and not settle for someone that cannot provide it for you.

Right about here after all the responses you've received, i'd expect to read a response from you saying "but everything else is great." Well, again, I would ask you to prioritize what is important to YOU and decide accordingly.

It's not bad to have found this out now... better now than when you're legally married. This is why we date. Look at it as a necessary learning experience.
 
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#24 ·
My opinion. I don't think a particular sex act and the refusal to take part in it should mean the end of a relationship. There are things my H will not do, there is a least one thing I am definitely not comfortable with. A loving relationship can overcome this. However, as your F appears to enjoy receiving oral sex my alarm bells are ringing not so much because of the sex but because of a one-side selfishness. This can lead to other areas in your life where you will be playing second fiddle to her needs. This may be ok in the first flush of love, but after 20 years your spirit will be well and truly crushed and you will most certainly start resenting it.
Yeah, this.

It isn't really about what she will or won't do. It's about how she handled it.

Look, if there's something (anything) you don't want to do, don't ever make the other person feel like a piece of garbage for wanting to do it.

THAT'S why I'd run from this, not her reluctance to do the act.
 
#22 ·
I'm the first person to suggest working it out if you find yourself already married to someone and discover you're sexually incompatible.

The fact of the matter is though that your odds of working it out successfully once you get to that point aren't always great.

You've been given an important gift in discovering this incompatibility before marriage. Don't waste it. Call the wedding off.

Maybe she'll find herself sexually some day and maybe she won't, but you should never marry based on hoping a person changes in the future.
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#23 ·
I personally believe that in most cases the sex a couple has at the beginning when they are the most hot for each other and when the attraction is at the highest, sets the bar for how the sex is going to be for the remainder of their relationship. I think it's very rare that the sex goes beyond that bar. You can bring it back to that bar but not very often go beyond it. If it's sub par at the beginning, it's going to be sub par or even worse after the wedding. I think when you are totally into someone, you'll do almost anything to please them. (My views are different if there has been CSA.)
 
#25 ·
She said it was demeaning and she would never "put that thing anywhere near my face".
This is the worst. It's not even as if she's going to try to improve.

I dated a guy for 2 years who neither wanted to go down on me or even use his hands...... Despite the fact that he had no problems asking me to do him.

Every attempt to discuss the matter with him got derailed with his "I don't know what YOU'RE comfortable with." What a way to turn it around.

It came to a head when he bargained with me and told me that he would go down on me if I got an HIV test. I never got one. So then he told me that was ok, we could have sex anyway.

I'm just telling you this story because when you start launching procedures with her, she maystart bargaining as well.

It would be too bad if she had been sexually abused as child. Are you ready to open up that discussion?
 
#26 ·
I (as a woman) think that is seriously weird and a real red flag. Why would that be "demeaning" if you are in love? Especially if you are going down on her?

I see threads on here where men can't get BJ's from their wives, so maybe it's more common that I would think, but her attitude, that she got so worked up over it, it's just ...weird to me and makes me think there's a lot of stuff going on inside her head about men and women that you're not yet aware of.

"That thing" ??? "That thing" should be a great source of joy to her, not something that freaks her out!

Also - notice that sex seldom gets better AFTER marriage. You read all kinds of men who say their fiance was insatiable before marriage then lost all desire after the nuptials. So if she's like this now, I'd worry that yes, you might be headed for a sexless marriage.

My husband is very reserved and seldom kisses me and won't go down on me BTW - I think if I asked/insisted, he would do it, but I can't now because I'm convinced the idea grosses him out, so I can't enjoy it. I'm not that high of sex drive anymore (probably in part due to things like that) so it is not something I'm thinking about all the time, but it is a disappointment, just the lack of fun/abandon/hotness that I've had with other partners that I can't seem to ever get to with him.

As a man, you're probably higher sex drive and this could really kill your marriage. At the very least I would try to get her to open up and talk to you about it. Good luck...
 
#27 ·
Whether there is csa in her past or not isn't even relevant if she's unwilling to address it.

If she suffered abuse or if she just thinks penises are icky...same result. Either she chooses to stay the way she is or she chooses to try to change her mind about things. But that needs to happen BEFORE marriage, not after.
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#31 ·
I have a tendency to think threads like this one are hoaxes...I mean..would ANYONE really call a wedding off because of the lack of bjs?:scratchhead::scratchhead:

Anyway OP, yes, you should dump her, if she's really that awesome she deserves better...

>:)>:)>:)


:|
I ended a 2 year relationship with a guy who said he interesred in marrying me. I'm not sure that he was, but that's what he said. I felt that he was selfish in bed -- he getting his and then trying to avoid giving me mine.

I tried to have an open and honest dialgoue with him and all that it did was push him against the wall to create lie after lie to avoid the truth. I asked him did I smell bad? He said no, in fact when I warmed up, I smelled very nice, he said. Do you have a problem touching it? Then he would fall back on "But I don't know what you're comfortable with." And round and round we go......

Sexual compatibility is very important. And I don't understand why anyone would avoid sex before marriage for that reason.

It was a lot easier and cheaper to tell him to F>ck off, than to hire a lawyer to do it for me.

For those who are curious, I think he was a closet gay..
 
#32 ·
I think everyone, including the OP Grear, is missing the most important point. She has already called it off. She shut down communication because he asked. Grear would be better off waiting for a week or two, perhaps she will throw the engagement ring back at him because he is such a disgusting person in her mind.

@ satya, It is not wrong for the fiance to dislike BJ's, What is wrong is for her to think that him performing oral is loving and good and for her to perform oral is disgusting and demeaning. This double standard is hurtful. It is in essence saying that it is ok if you are demeaned but I won't be. There is no other explanation for this than entitled selfishness.

@ Bugged, Weddings are called off for any number of things. Sex is a major part of a married relationship, even if it is Evil.

MN
 
#34 · (Edited)
OP,
I would suggest that you calmly and rationally sit down and have a conversation with her regarding this issue. There are incongruities in your post. You said that she considered it demeaning and belittling to perform a blow job. How is it that she allows her betrothed to demean and belittle himself? Is she saying that your demeaning yourself is not significant in her eyes? If so, then what exactly is your value to her that she would allow you to belittle yourself in such a way? Can she respect such a person? Does she?

This situation poses questions that I feel are of far more importance than simple fellatio. Questions that I would want answers to before pledging my eternal, undying love to her. What has diminished the penis and caused it to be banned in this way to the point of not being allowed "anywhere near her face". There appear to be some significant programming errors that have occurred in her past and this may be but the tip of the iceberg. I would strongly suggest that you delve further into this area before taking a vow.

This may all be moot at this point as she is not contacting you back and does not have enough respect for you to even entertain a conversation over something that is apparently very important to you. The wedding may already be off and you simply have not been notified as yet. In any event I would certainly try to discover the root issue here if you want to enter into marriage with her. You may find a closet with more skeletons than you care to clean out. Good fortune to you.
 
#35 ·
Good evening
OP, only YOU can know what is important to you. Don't expect her behavior to ever change. Will you be happy together, or will your feel resentful for what you are denied?

Is she perfect in every other way?

A happy sex life is critical to a happy marriage. If BJs are important to you, then there is nothing wrong with deciding not to get married. (you don't need to be specific, just apologize and let her know that you do not feel like you are sexually compatible).

OTOH if BJs don't mean much to you, and you can do without for the rest of your life, then go ahead and get married.

Just do not expect she will change, and do not marry someone you will resent - that will not be happy for either of you
 
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