Ladies, did you ever resent sex?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-29-2011, 05:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

After reading a lot of threads here concerning sex drive, it seems that some women feel that if a woman loves their man, they will try to meet his sexual needs, as he should hers, and they get pleasure from doing this.
I'm still in awe of the thread where one woman mentioned that bjs made her dizzy, but she did it for her husband. In another recent thread, one lady mentioned that sometimes she didn't cum, it was just service to please her husband.

I'm sure my x had sex at times just to please me(her compromise was a hand-job), but I think she resented it. She certainly wasn't going to the lengths that people talk about here.

My question: for those who do sexual activity at times just to please your man, do you ever become resentful? Even if things are going good at the time, do you ever have bad times and ,at that point, hold it against him?
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Old 06-29-2011, 05:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

no
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Well, yes, but in a complicated way. I have had feelings of resentment and actual withholding of certain things. My husband actually has had far more issues of resentment by several orders of magnitude.

Again, it's complicated. I had (am successfully dealing with) a serious sexual dysfunction that almost destroyed my marriage. With a lot of help, we now have a greater balance in our relationship which has eliminated any places for resentment to grow.
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

No for me but I can assure you my husband resented ME and yes he held it against me. I'm like the man in the relationship so our roles are reversed.
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Maybe some people hold grudges and become resentful more than others. I've never been a particularly resentful person. There might have been times when I got a bit tired of the "grind", but my husband was pretty quick to pick up on that and I was equally quick to let him know about it. So, no I haven't really resented it.

I am LD compared to my HD husband. What I had a problem with was feeling inadequate compared to him, but I didn't resent him. At this point, we both have accepted the way that we are and have ways that we work around it and compromise. For the most part it works well. And sometimes, believe it or not, for me the end game is not always the Big O, but the overall intimacy we share. I don't have to O every time to make it worthwhile for me (I know he would like it to happen every time though). Just being honest.
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Old 06-29-2011, 08:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

What sort of compromise did you find that worked well? I'd be thrilled to find one.
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Old 06-30-2011, 08:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

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What sort of compromise did you find that worked well? I'd be thrilled to find one.
@unbelievable ~

So, how willing are you to push the envelope?

And, how willing is your wife to work with you?

In my relationship (now married 23 years) around year 3 - 4, I had had it. My H was obviously the very hot (overheated, imo) partner while I was the cooler one. It basically had to get to the point where I had one foot out the door and had to drop the bomb in order to get him to come around.

After that, he voluntarily 'cooled off' (too bad we didn't have a place like TAM and MEM's thermostat thread then.) He totally changed his tactics, and I totally responded, but it did take time. Instead of groping me constantly, he quit cold turkey. For a period of time (I don't even remember how long now), he did very little physical touch, then started to add very subtle touches and flirting. He continues to do that to this day. Initially, he was a little hesitant and cautious gauging my reactions, now he does it with utter confidence.

We did compromise on frequency of sex. He knew that I could not 'meet his demand'. He actually has the kind of personality that is more happy go lucky. Kinda like a happy puppy that you can kick away and that keeps coming back just as happy. That's just the way he is. He never seemed to get resentful. In later years, when we would talk about our early years together I asked him if he ever got pissed off about the differences in our drives and he told me no! He told me that he knew I was way different than him and that I tried very hard and figured if he didn't keep trying he wouldn't get anything - sex or love. So, he had apparently accepted me a lot sooner than I had him.

I wrote in someone else's thread yesterday, that one thing he did was try and rope me in to his sexual vibe. Admittedly, he was having to masturbate a lot more than I, so he asked (yes, actually asked in words) me if I would participate with him - no pressure, just lay beside him and hold him while he "did it". Uh huh, yeah - the way he would ask and do those things I can't even explain in words - but looking back at all of it, I just want to kick myself because I was a selfish stupid ninny. However, I did agree (I almost always agreed to whatever he wanted to do) and well, we just took everything step by step.

For me as the wife, the key was just being willing. Being willing to understand him, work with him, and if need be to sometimes sacrifice for him. I know we talk about compromise a lot, but sometimes one or the other partner has to also be willing to give up something. Sometimes the things we are willing to forego come back to us and we are rewarded many times over. I know that my husband has also had the same willingness. We still have to work on things - nothing just coasts along. The last two years I have had a lot of crummy health issues and once again we have had to re-balance. It's a continual process.

I hope that your wife would be willing to work with you. You seem like a great guy who cares deeply for her and is very committed. I hope that she is willing to show her commitment to you as well.

How to Compromise With Your Spouse
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Old 06-30-2011, 09:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Also wanted to add one more thing that sometimes gets swept under the rug. We talk a lot about being able to compromise or sacrifice or collaborate and being willing to meet each other's needs. But, one thing in the sexual realm is determining whether or not the other person is actually being satisfied.

Back, in our early days, my H and I were obviously learning about each other like any new couple. He was a lot more open than I was, and it took me a lot longer to be as open with him. Part of my being open sexually with him was in how he made me feel - both inside and outside the bedroom. I know we tell men to try and meet the needs of their wife (maybe implying they are all just emotional ones), but really women have sexual needs as well - and every man could look at himself (just like a woman should) and ask whether they are being the best lover to their wife that they can be.

Found these kind of interesting articles in my never-ending search through the vastness of cyber-space that give a bit of insight in to why a woman could end up getting resentful about sex: Frigidity and sexual coldness in normal women: the shocking secret.
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Old 06-30-2011, 09:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
@unbelievable ~

So, how willing are you to push the envelope?

And, how willing is your wife to work with you?

In my relationship (now married 23 years) around year 3 - 4, I had had it. My H was obviously the very hot (overheated, imo) partner while I was the cooler one. It basically had to get to the point where I had one foot out the door and had to drop the bomb in order to get him to come around.

After that, he voluntarily 'cooled off' (too bad we didn't have a place like TAM and MEM's thermostat thread then.) He totally changed his tactics, and I totally responded, but it did take time. Instead of groping me constantly, he quit cold turkey. For a period of time (I don't even remember how long now), he did very little physical touch, then started to add very subtle touches and flirting. He continues to do that to this day. Initially, he was a little hesitant and cautious gauging my reactions, now he does it with utter confidence.

We did compromise on frequency of sex. He knew that I could not 'meet his demand'. He actually has the kind of personality that is more happy go lucky. Kinda like a happy puppy that you can kick away and that keeps coming back just as happy. That's just the way he is. He never seemed to get resentful. In later years, when we would talk about our early years together I asked him if he ever got pissed off about the differences in our drives and he told me no! He told me that he knew I was way different than him and that I tried very hard and figured if he didn't keep trying he wouldn't get anything - sex or love. So, he had apparently accepted me a lot sooner than I had him.

I wrote in someone else's thread yesterday, that one thing he did was try and rope me in to his sexual vibe. Admittedly, he was having to masturbate a lot more than I, so he asked (yes, actually asked in words) me if I would participate with him - no pressure, just lay beside him and hold him while he "did it". Uh huh, yeah - the way he would ask and do those things I can't even explain in words - but looking back at all of it, I just want to kick myself because I was a selfish stupid ninny. However, I did agree (I almost always agreed to whatever he wanted to do) and well, we just took everything step by step.

For me as the wife, the key was just being willing. Being willing to understand him, work with him, and if need be to sometimes sacrifice for him. I know we talk about compromise a lot, but sometimes one or the other partner has to also be willing to give up something. Sometimes the things we are willing to forego come back to us and we are rewarded many times over. I know that my husband has also had the same willingness. We still have to work on things - nothing just coasts along. The last two years I have had a lot of crummy health issues and once again we have had to re-balance. It's a continual process.

I hope that your wife would be willing to work with you. You seem like a great guy who cares deeply for her and is very committed. I hope that she is willing to show her commitment to you as well.

How to Compromise With Your Spouse
My wife wasn't willing to work at all. Oh, I'm sure she did things when she wasn't in the mood, but it was more to just "shut me up" rather than her getting pleasure from pleasing me or to satisfy me.

We discussed sex drive a lot over the years, but she wasn't interested in meeting my needs, and she didn't know why she didn't want sex often. If she heard about someone having sex three or four times a week, she just considered it a lie; she didn't think anybody could want sex that much. The thing she identified most was that she was just tired(her job is physically demanding). The thing that puzzled me is that me helping out with chores didn't help alleviate it , neither did vacation time.

We talked about asking her doctor, but she never would actually do it. She thought the idea of counceling was silly. Her main focus was to make me seem like a weirdo for wanting sex. She liked to do the "all I ever think about is sex" guilt trip. I would have liked to have compromised, but she just never had the attitude to want to. She was satisfied with her sex drive and wasn't worried about my needs.

I think she looked at it more from the standpoint of one of our other threads: Why not work on lowering my sex drive instead of heightening hers?

As I said in another thread, I could have settled for once a week. We had periods in our relationship when that happened and she knew I was happy, but it never lasted very long. I asked many times over the years, "what do you need?" "What can I do to make it better for you?" "Is there anything I do that you don't like, and don't worry about hurting my feelings?" But she never had any answers. So, it was like I was swimming in a sea of mystery. If she couldn't understand herself, I sure couldn't figure it out.

Another weird part is that she wasn't worried about it driving me away; she was the one who asked for the divorce.
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Old 06-30-2011, 12:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

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I asked many times over the years, "what do you need?" "What can I do to make it better for you?" "Is there anything I do that you don't like, and don't worry about hurting my feelings?" But she never had any answers. So, it was like I was swimming in a sea of mystery. If she couldn't understand herself, I sure couldn't figure it out.
If you would ask me what I want, it would likely be the same answer that everyone would give - to be loved and desired wholly for myself, all warts included. Yah - but what does that really mean?

Asking someone what they need when that need is an emotion - it is very difficult to articulate those feelings and emotions in to words. Emotions are not logical and are hard to explain.

Sometimes you have to watch the other's actions and the things they are saying to you not when you are asking them what they want. Some of the things I've seen in your other posts - family vacations at the beach that you did not enjoy, family games that you did not enjoy - perhaps your ex-wife really just needed your time and seeing you enjoying being with her and her family? Have you ever read "The 5 Love Languages"? Maybe her language was "quality time" and it didn't get fulfilled? idk, I am sure I look at things too optimistically and try to believe people are better than they are - I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, as in unbelievable's words in another post, she was just a selfish, soul-less zombie.

I don't have any words of wisdom when things get to a stalemate. I got to a stalement early on in my marriage, and it wasn't until I got to the point where I was willing to walk that the logjam broke. I am happy that it happened early on and we were able to get past it.
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Very, its gotten so bad now that if he comes near me I want to hit him
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

my husband is so needy sexually that whenever he comes to me and tries to temp me with his brand of foreplay (butt grabbing and nipple tweaking) i picture him like this:


he turns me on but im ok with every other day sexual activities.he practically molests me calls it foreplay and expects me to pants after him every single day.i like sex but he turns it into a chore.i can get him off easily with blow jobs so i do it so he'll stop pawing on me.to him it makes me a loving caring goddess of a wife.to me i'm happy he's happy but i wish he got how i feel about the way he thinks i should be on all the time like him.
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:54 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Unfortunately, I have been there. I was resentful that I got no affection outside of the bedroom. I didn't get hugs, kisses, compliments or anything and then when the lights went out, he was all over me. I was so resentful that I would litterally roll my eyes and sigh as soon as the lights went out.

Long story short is that we were both stressed out and burned out with working full time and attending classes at night. It was a very quick phase in our marriage and was not the norm by any means.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:10 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dylan View Post
my husband is so needy sexually that whenever he comes to me and tries to temp me with his brand of foreplay (butt grabbing and nipple tweaking) i picture him like this:


he turns me on but im ok with every other day sexual activities.he practically molests me calls it foreplay and expects me to pants after him every single day.i like sex but he turns it into a chore.i can get him off easily with blow jobs so i do it so he'll stop pawing on me.to him it makes me a loving caring goddess of a wife.to me i'm happy he's happy but i wish he got how i feel about the way he thinks i should be on all the time like him.
@ Dylan ~

Your husband needs to learn to respect you and your wishes, otherwise the resentment can continue to grow and grow and some day you won't want to ever be intimate with him again.

My H was a groper supreme and somewhat like this when we were first married (been married 23 years now). At year 3, after having all pleas ignored I had had enough and had one foot out the door. It took that to wake him up. I'm not saying this is what you should do, but you do need to let your husband know this is a huge problem for you so that you can work on it together.

Does he watch a lot of porn? It seems that some men get their ideas from that which is not how most women want to be treated at all. Your H seems pretty ignorant about a woman's sexual desire and response. Women are not light-switches that can be turned on and off at will. Actually, the more a man tries to treat a woman like a light-switch, the faster her light-bulb will burn out.

Please let your husband know how you feel, and continue to educate him about what it really takes for you to be sexually satisfied as well.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, did you ever resent sex?

I grew to resent sex with my exH, to the point that it made me nauseous when he touched me. He wanted it everyday and would tell me he wanted to make sure I never had to look for it elsewhere. If I tried to decline, he would make my life miserable. It started to feel like he was just marking his territory by having sex with me. I definitely resented sex while we were married. It became a chore.

In my current marriage, I went through a spell where I resented sex, but it had to do with infertility along with my H and I not getting along outside the bedroom. Now that our marriage is better and I've made peace with the fact that babies don't seem to be in the cards for me, I don't resent it at all anymore.
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