Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
It may not have been a hook or an act at all. Don't take all of the woman-bashing comments to heart - you are the only one that truly knows your wife and not all women are cruel, heartless venus flytraps.
You've only been married a short period of time - the first few years of marriage are often the most hard in terms of adjusting to each other.
Do you feel like your wife is as happy in the marriage as you are?
Do you feel like your wife is being fulfilled - inside and outside the bedroom?
I know when I first got married, the first few years were a very rocky transition and I was not happy. You might want to explore some and see if you can get to the true root of your wife's feelings.
Outside my frustration with our sex life we are generally happy. We take nice vacations and really enjoy having fun together. It's not miserable, it's just a lack of passionate sex. I feel like pulling the plug just over a year in is premature at best and I'm glad you see what I am saying. We are in a transition period but I just want to restore the passion we once had.
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Originally Posted by Catherine602
She is too sure of you. She probably thinks that no matter what she does, you are too far in to leave. What ever you do please don't bring kids into to this. You seem to have taken on the role of an abused woman.
If you think it is bad now, wait until you are married 10yrs with 2 kids. Do you think you can recapture the man you were when you dated and maintain it under all circumstances and for 30 yrs? Why did you commit to a woman with a temper.
She may have a personality problem look up borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality etc. You are at a critical juncture in your life. What you do now will propel you down a path that will be difficult to get off. You must consider carefully. Selling a house and separating finances is easier now than 10 yrs and 2 kids from now.
One consideration is, would you have married her knowing what you know now? Do you think she deceived you about who she was? Do the people who know her say that she was always the way xshe is now but was different when you were dating? How well do you know her?
While you are with her you have to overcome some problems in you that will not be good in any relationship. You respond to unreasonable situations by trying harder to please instead of asking WTF is going on here. Establish firm boundaries, no tantrums or you leave the premises, shared household task or it goes undone, you did not sign up for a sexless marriage so tgat has to be fixed or you don't stay married.
BTW your marriage does not sound good to me it is horrible. I think you have had a fraud perpetrated on you. Wake up this is your life. Posted via Mobile Device
I know all about borderline and other personality disorders. She isn't perfect but I'm not either. The "abused woman" reference seems a little strong to me. I'm concerned about a lack of passion in our relationship - it's not all terrible. I think something has to be bothering her and that's the reason for the temper because I haven't seen an outburst like she had yesterday before. My guess is stress at work and boredom from the fact that her best friend moved away 7 months ago and she has struggled to find new girlfriends. Again, separating only 13 months in seems premature and I think any marriage presents problems.
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Originally Posted by Hicks
You have a very high risk in your marriage that she will be unfaithful. Your wife is a sexual person. Even in females, sexual desire cannot be contained without something breaking. She is ripe for a man to come into her life and uncork that sexual desire. You should take what I am saying very seriously and project to what emotions you will feel when your supposed prude wife submits sexually to another man.
If you tolerate your wife not being sexual with you, then your wife will not be sexual with you. It will never change if you tolerate it. She is secretly begging for you to stop tolerating it. A statement of what you will not tolerate is more llikely to lead to her changing then her walking away from the marriage.
Right I know it can't stay this way and trust me... I don't want it to stay this way. What I'm asking here is how to restore passion and respect without destroying the relationship.
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Originally Posted by michzz
Um, do not fall in that trap! I know that one.
My wife could look me in the eye and tell me she loves me then run off and screw some jerk.
Do not underestimate the capacity for someone who does not love you but wants the benefit of your capacity to earn a living.
You are far too young to even consider tolerating what she is doing.
I'm not suggesting she is cheating. I am suggesting that she doesn't care for you as a husband.
Unless you don't bathe regularly and have changed in some really odd way since marrying, this is on her.
If I were you, I'd want to know what it is.
I want to know what it is... I ask her all the time to tell me what is going on, however, she does not handle criticism well. She can be very temperamental when I press about "what's wrong with her."
Scenario #1
Man up. Stop cleaning, start demanding sex or threaten divorce. I don't think this will change my sex life and will only cause more problems than what I'm already suffering. It will go from occasional arguments and no sex to a living hell and no sex.
Scenario #2
Leave or even file for divorce. Start over and try again but chances are I'll find another woman with a complete other set of problems. For example, I'll find the nymphomaniac clean freak but she'll be dumb as a brick with no earning potential.
Neither one of these scenarios are attractive. I don't want divorce, I am not 100% unhappy in my marriage. All I want is a passionate sex life in addition to the life we have.
You are a long way off from scenario B. I recommend that you make her understand what a marriage is to you, and give her the choice to participate in your marriage. All the while you are ready, willing and able to meet whatever needs she has. A divorce is only the long term outcome if she herself makes the choice and tells you in words or actions that she will not participate in your marriage.
My wife could look me in the eye and tell me she loves me then run off and screw some jerk.
Do not underestimate the capacity for someone who does not love you but wants the benefit of your capacity to earn a living.
You are far too young to even consider tolerating what she is doing.
I'm not suggesting she is cheating. I am suggesting that she doesn't care for you as a husband.
Unless you don't bathe regularly and have changed in some really odd way since marrying, this is on her.
If I were you, I'd want to know what it is.
I don't agree. It is not all on her. A marriage is a two-way street and there are actions and reactions from both partners that are at play. It is on the BOTH of them.
As well, we do not have the story from her perspective at all. We see her only through the lens that he has provided for us, and how quick and easy it is for all of us to judge a person that has no voice!
I think that she could just be reacting in a very emotional way to his actions during the first year of the marriage. That doesn't mean it's right, but it'll take actions on both of their parts to right the ship.
Have you changed the way you've acted before you got married, and how you act now? She wants the guy you were before.
I became a Christian less than a month before we got married. By doing so, my life changed drastically but I thought that would help a lot more than it would hurt. For example, a big fight we used to have was she did not like how much I drank alcohol. In becoming a Christian, I stopped doing so and am actually quite happy living a sober hangoverless life. She stopped drinking as well as alcohol is something that I see that we "grew out of."
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Originally Posted by Hicks
You are a long way off from scenario B. I recommend that you make her understand what a marriage is to you, and give her the choice to participate in your marriage. All the while you are ready, willing and able to meet whatever needs she has. A divorce is only the long term outcome if she herself makes the choice and tells you in words or actions that she will not participate in your marriage.
I appreciate the hope included in this response. I agree that talking things out is a great start but I just don't want a talk to end up into a full blown fight.
I want to know what it is... I ask her all the time to tell me what is going on, however, she does not handle criticism well. She can be very temperamental when I press about "what's wrong with her."
When you approach her to discuss it, you need to start the sentences with "I", not "you" or "her" otherwise she will take it as a criticism (and who wouldn't?)
Tell her what it is that you want and why - e.g., "I believe that marriage involves a sexual partnership and I would like to have that kind of relationship with you. What can I do to help make that happen?"
I don't agree. It is not all on her. A marriage is a two-way street and there are actions and reactions from both partners that are at play. It is on the BOTH of them.
As well, we do not have the story from her perspective at all. We see her only through the lens that he has provided for us, and how quick and easy it is for all of us to judge a person that has no voice!
I think that she could just be reacting in a very emotional way to his actions during the first year of the marriage. That doesn't mean it's right, but it'll take actions on both of their parts to right the ship.
He is the one here - he can make the first moves.
Good point. We only know "my side" and her side could be very different. Before we were married we studied the "5 Love Languages" and prior to being married she defined her love languages as physical touch and quality time. Now she hates touch and doesn't care as much about time but she likes words of affirmation and the giving of gifts. My "love language" has not changed as it is physical touch.
The dramatic increase in the number of sexless marriages (predominantly characterized by females with LD) has been described as an epidemic. OP needs to realize he could be 100% perfect and still end up with a LD wife. He could jump through all manner of flaming hoops and dig spurs into her for the rest of his life and still have a LD wife. She says she HATES sex though she knows how important it is to him. Put another way, she HATES intimacy with her husband. What are you gonna do with that?
When you approach her to discuss it, you need to start the sentences with "I", not "you" or "her" otherwise she will take it as a criticism (and who wouldn't?)
Tell her what it is that you want and why - e.g., "I believe that marriage involves a sexual partnership and I would like to have that kind of relationship with you. What can I do to help make that happen?"
I asked this very question last night. What can I do to make it better? The response is always a stern NOTHING. As you can see with my response on the "love languages" it's a very confusing situation.
You are afraid of your wife. You are conflict avoidant. Nothing about those things makes you attractive. If you don't restore balance you will be just another sexless miserable guy who thought they could be happy because everything else is good. Then you'll be 40 wishing you weren't such a wimp and feeling even more afraid to rock the boat.
Why does your wife have all the power? Because you let her.
You think this is about sex but it isn't. If you maintain your narrow view you will solve nothing because she has no reason to change. Posted via Mobile Device
I became a Christian less than a month before we got married. By doing so, my life changed drastically but I thought that would help a lot more than it would hurt. For example, a big fight we used to have was she did not like how much I drank alcohol. In becoming a Christian, I stopped doing so and am actually quite happy living a sober hangoverless life. She stopped drinking as well as alcohol is something that I see that we "grew out of."
As a Christian man, then you know that it is your responsibility to act as the head of your household and create the kind of environment where your wife can flourish in her love and desire for you.
I asked this very question last night. What can I do to make it better? The response is always a stern NOTHING. As you can see with my response on the "love languages" it's a very confusing situation.
It's not confusing at all. And did you come back with "I don't want to live in a sexless marriage".
The dramatic increase in the number of sexless marriages (predominantly characterized by females with LD) has been described as an epidemic. OP needs to realize he could be 100% perfect and still end up with a LD wife. He could jump through all manner of flaming hoops and dig spurs into her for the rest of his life and still have a LD wife. She says she HATES sex though she knows how important it is to him. Put another way, she HATES intimacy with her husband. What are you gonna do with that?
I am a LD drive wife in comparison to my HD husband. Some of LD in women is biological - your hormones and general state of health, but a lot of it is not biological at all - it is emotional and really is "between your ears".
Until men can start to understand, accept, and work with that about women they will be forever caught in a fantastic spinning wheel of malaise regarding sex. Accept the way that women work and learn how to spur your 'horse' in the right direction.
In many cases, I think that women are being starved of the emotional connection they need with their husbands which makes it very hard for them to respond to them passionately. What you gonna do about that? Well, a husband can start working on how you can meet her needs in a calm, confident, authoritative way.
It's not confusing at all. And did you come back with "I don't want to live in a sexless marriage".
Her response is always the same, if I don't like it then leave. I know she really doesn't mean this but it is spurs into an argument about how our marriage isn't "sexless" and she is having "plenty of sex" with me even though I obviously hold a different view.
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Originally Posted by Enchantment
As a Christian man, then you know that it is your responsibility to act as the head of your household and create the kind of environment where your wife can flourish in her love and desire for you.
I think my wife has issues with seeing me as the "head" and sees it more through the eyes of "no one is going to be authoritative over her." She sees it as she "won't put up with it."
I skimmed the threat but I honestly feel I am doing all I can to entice a healthy marriage. I compliment, buy gifts, work around the house, pay the bills, etc. I honestly feel I could not exhort one more ounce of energy in trying to become more attractive to her.
Also to address other issues, I'm not afraid of my wife I just hate conflict. While there may be people that enjoy arguments, I don't. I can't stand fussing and fighting.
I don't agree. It is not all on her. A marriage is a two-way street and there are actions and reactions from both partners that are at play. It is on the BOTH of them.
As well, we do not have the story from her perspective at all. We see her only through the lens that he has provided for us, and how quick and easy it is for all of us to judge a person that has no voice!
I think that she could just be reacting in a very emotional way to his actions during the first year of the marriage. That doesn't mean it's right, but it'll take actions on both of their parts to right the ship.
He is the one here - he can make the first moves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by michzz
Unless you don't bathe regularly and have changed in some really odd way since marrying, this is on her.
If I were you, I'd want to know what it is.
Like I said, unless he changed in some odd way, it is on her -- she changed!
Sure, the guy can make a move, risk confrontation. But it really is on someone who takes away the joy in life to express why and either fix that or leave.
I have the impression that there is something going on that is unexpressed in this discussion thread and in their relationship
She says if you don't like it to leave and you don't believe her. Sorry but you are screwing yourself. Tell her to leave. Now. Pack her bag for her.
If she doesn't mean it she shouldn't say it. You shouldn't interpret it as meaning nothing for her. And you should call her bluff.
Dude you are done for. And it is your own doing. Either own your wimpiness and get use to no sex or be a man and perhaps salvage a messed up marriage. You are a hostage with a wide open door because you are afraid to challenge her. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Married 13 months & my wife hates sex 
