Wife has never had an orgasm
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Wife has never had an orgasm

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-06-2011, 06:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife has never had an orgasm

Hi all, I just joined and this is my first post so let me give a little background info.

Me and my wife have been married for ten years, I am 32 and she is 34. We are both the second person that each other has been with sexually. She was in a serious relationship from the time she was 18 to 21. She was raised in a househould of devout Jehovah's witnesses until she was around 15 then moved out to live with her grandparents and stopped practicing the religion. As I said in the thread title she has never had an orgasm. She doesn't masturbate or isn't comfortable using any kind of toys. She says she wants to badly have an orgasm and I've gotten her close, but whether it's oral, digitally, or through intercourse everytime she is close she makes me stop and pushes me away. I ask her why and she says that it is uncomfortable and she doesn't like the way that it feels, (not painful though). She says that she enjoys sex and it feels good, we both want her to be able to orgasm but neither of us is sure about what to do.

Could it be from hammered in religious beliefs about sex being for procreation and not for enjoyment? I don't know. According to my wife and her cousin her sister has also never had an orgasm. Is it just a problem that some women have.
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Old 07-06-2011, 08:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

It is surely a problem with her head - she can't let go, for whatever reason. It could be the religious upbringing or it could be that something traumatic happened to her when whe was young, or it could just be that she is a control freak and letting to feels scary to her. My guess is that it is the latter. She will perhaps need counseling since she's been married to you for 10 years and still can't let go.
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Old 07-06-2011, 09:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

I concur with the above. It sounds like it's all about maintaining control, and a fear of letting go. She tells you to stop when she's reaching a point of going over the top and her body is telling her that she's losing control. While it is fun to climb the hill, most women relish the opportunity to go over the top and ride down the other side. Since that is an uncontrolled ride your wife isn't allowing herself that opportunity.

Don't take it personally however. While all or part of it may be a lack of trust in you, my guess is a good portion of it is a lack of trust in herself. Maybe she's afraid she'll like it too much. Or maybe there's some latent issues about whether she should like it, or should ever allow herself to not be in control.

In either case, she really should get some professional help so that she can enjoy her sexual peak. Which should be beginning...tick...tick...tick
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

speaking as someone who didn't orgasm til i was older... my issue was not figuring it out for myself then when i was trying to figure it out myself, i kept feeling overstimulated...confusing that tingly orgasm building feeling with having to pee.
so i would stop and be frustrated.

she has to push herself to keep going when she feels it building...i was able to do it comfortably while taking a bath bc i wasn't sure if I was going to pee or not so I figured i could always run fresh water in the tub if that happened. then i FINALLY let go...

sounds stupid to some probably...but that's what the issue was. not saying this is her issue but it might be worth exploring.
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Old 07-07-2011, 09:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

Orgasm is one of those things that if you chase it, it can run away from you. The more you desire it and push for it, the further away it can be. Orgasm for a woman is best if she can truly relax her mind, and ironically, tense her body (especially the pelvis) at the same time.

Read this for you:

How to help your female partner have orgasms

And this for her:

Are you having trouble reaching orgasm? A guide for women
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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speaking as someone who didn't orgasm til i was older... my issue was not figuring it out for myself then when i was trying to figure it out myself, i kept feeling overstimulated...confusing that tingly orgasm building feeling with having to pee.
so i would stop and be frustrated.

she has to push herself to keep going when she feels it building...i was able to do it comfortably while taking a bath bc i wasn't sure if I was going to pee or not so I figured i could always run fresh water in the tub if that happened. then i FINALLY let go...

sounds stupid to some probably...but that's what the issue was. not saying this is her issue but it might be worth exploring.

It's funny that you mention that, not long after we got married, we were having intercourse and she was on top and as she was really starting to get into it and she pee'd on me. I never thought twice about it, but maybe that's something she's been worried about this whole time.
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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It's funny that you mention that, not long after we got married, we were having intercourse and she was on top and as she was really starting to get into it and she pee'd on me. I never thought twice about it, but maybe that's something she's been worried about this whole time.
Umm, dude? Check into g-spot stimulation and female ejaculation. She most likely didn't pee on you... And if you care to explore this with her, there's a possibility of a whole new world of orgasms for her to enjoy.

If you do explore this, buy some extra towels...

C
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Umm, dude? Check into g-spot stimulation and female ejaculation. She most likely didn't pee on you... And if you care to explore this with her, there's a possibility of a whole new world of orgasms for her to enjoy.

If you do explore this, buy some extra towels...

C
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

Sex for women is in the mind, emotions as much as the body and many times in that order. Some women have to first get comfortable to have an orgasm on their own before they can share that with someone else. But sounds like there is a lot more going on underneath the surface (her stopping you when she is close) which counseling would help her work through that. But if she would be willing to use a vibrator and you are 100% supportive, it is very effective! It helps many women to reach orgasm for the first time.
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Sex for women is in the mind, emotions as much as the body and many times in that order. Some women have to first get comfortable to have an orgasm on their own before they can share that with someone else. But sounds like there is a lot more going on underneath the surface (her stopping you when she is close) which counseling would help her work through that. But if she would be willing to use a vibrator and you are 100% supportive, it is very effective! It helps many women to reach orgasm for the first time.
i agree with trying a vibrator for the first time til she gets the hang of what having one to completion really feels like.

but something i can't understand is why people automatically recommend counseling when a woman doesn't orgasm? when i couldn't orgasm i always felt so paranoid when people would jump to saying i had mental issues and need counseling. not having an orgasm doesn't automatically equal mental issues that require therapy.

it might sometimes but most of the time it's something simple such as the pee thing or fear of losing control...things that can be worked through without a therapist butting into the woman's thoughts.
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by PBear View Post
Umm, dude? Check into g-spot stimulation and female ejaculation. She most likely didn't pee on you... And if you care to explore this with her, there's a possibility of a whole new world of orgasms for her to enjoy.

If you do explore this, buy some extra towels...

C
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I asked her about that afterwards and she said that that wasn't the case and there was no orgasm.
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I asked her about that afterwards and she said that that wasn't the case and there was no orgasm.
i still think she should try it on her own in the shower or bathtub someday...especially after learning about the peeing incident.
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Old 07-07-2011, 12:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

White Rabbit,

You make a valid point. Not all women having trouble with orgasm need counseling, some just need help with technique or self education about orgasms or whatever. It is not abnormal at all for women to struggle with these things.

But for some women, the issue is more profound. When she stops him when she is close indicates to me there may be a physical or psychological component to it. There should not be shame in seeking help for these things since they both want it.

None of us know except her what is going on, she may not know either.

Thanks for adding depth to the conversation.
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Old 07-07-2011, 01:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

I'm anorgasmic myself, and one thing that was mentioned that I'd like to echo is not taking it personally. I've had partners who've taken my inability to orgasm as an insult to their sexual prowess or as some sort of challenge to be conquered. The latter is especially bad as the constant pressure and sense of being "worked on" with the sole purpose being to fix my broken orgasm button isn't fun and seriously detracts from the pleasure of sex.

Unlike your wife, I know precisely why I can't orgasm and have seen a therapist over it, just no luck resolving it so far. She's probably really frustrated if she doesn't know why she can't quite get there, and I know that, prior to figuring out the reason, it made me feel like there was something horribly wrong with me, so she might be feeling the same way.
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has never had an orgasm

You may want to try engaging in the practice of Tantric Sex. It will at least continue to draw you closer as a couple and encourage the exploration of your bodies and the way they should sexually respond.

But tehre ARE anorgasmic women out there.

I recall watchign discovery health or something where they really did invent an "Orgasmatron", it was like a spinal implant that gave this woman an orgasm.

It was comical to watch her experience it for the first time in her life, lol.
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