My husband doesn't find me attractive
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-07-2011, 05:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband doesn't find me attractive

Hi, I'm new here and came across this site looking for some advice.

I'm 28, my husband is 35, we've been together for 5 1/2 years, married for just under 2.

My husband and I always had a healthy sex life, say 3 times a week. My problem is that somehow we got in the habit that for whenever we would have sex it would involve a process of me getting changed into a nice outfit, putting on sexy lingerie, high heels, doing make up etc... It has been that way since the start of our relationship. While I want to look attractive for my husband I also want to have sex with him when I'm just "me" not all dressed up as his "ideal woman". We can be having a bit of a cuddle on the sofa and he will turn to me and say "do you want to go upstairs and put some heels and things on?" which to me says "yeah I'm up for a fool around but I don't think you're attractive enough as you are so can you turn into someone else". I also get a phone calls saying "I'll be home at 7 are you going to be waiting all dressed up for me" I could of been up for a fool around but he says something like that and it takes me right down to wanting nothing. Why can't you just come home and we fool around as we are?

Maybe I'm over reacting but every time I've tried to talk to him about it he says "but you know how much I like it" so I ask him what is wrong with me as I am to which he says "nothing, but you know I like you all dressed up" however the past couple months its got worse, and he will be asking for sex with me all dressed up and I'll say lets just go up to bed now and all of a sudden he's tired and doesn't want it anymore. Surely if he wanted sex 2 minutes ago he still wants it now?! And in the past 2months I can count on my hands the amount of times we've had sex.

I'm not a super model but I'm not an unattractive person, I take pride in my apperance, make sure I'm wearing nice clothes, have make up on etc... so it's not like I'm looking like a slob! but it's got the point where I feel so ugly and undesireable and I really don't know why he doesn't want me as I am. I fear I may have made a rod for my own back by having always done it in the past, but surely my husband should want to have sex with me even if I'm not all dressed up?

I hope you don't think I'm over reacting and I apologise for the long post, but i'm feeling so low and would appreciate some advice.

Thank you
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

Just kicking this out there.... You have made dressing up a clear part of sex with your husband. Maybe the term "dressing up" to your husband, is just code for "do you want to have sex?". When he asks you if you want to dress up, you know immediately he is asking for sex. The dressing up may not be necessary or even important to him. How about surprising your husband at the door in one of his white dress shirts and nothing else. No makeup, no heels. One caviat, though. If you're surprising him, there's always the possibility that he might not be in the mood (slim, but possible). If you don't get the desired reaction, it still doesn't mean he finds you unattractive. He's been coming home to you for 5.5 years, maintaining a steady and healthy sexual interest. I'm sure he finds you very attractive. He wasn't smooching hot and heavy with a woman in heels and make-up. That was just you and he was plenty interested. I think y'all have just associated dressing up with sex for so long, he just uses that phrase to ask for sex. It sounds less crude than just coming out and telling you what he'd really like to do.
I would really love it if my wife would dress up like that for me. She has once. For me, it wasn't that dressing up made her more attractive but that she desired me enough to go to the trouble. There are other ways for you to show him you want him.
I expect that stuff just ends up on the floor anyway.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

Seriously, there's nothing more attractive in a woman with mussed up hair, no bra inder the thin shirt, and ready to go for it.

Do you expect him to prepare in a similar fashion? Body grooming fresh? Freshly shaved, showered, and smelling good? Designer underwear?

If the answer is no, then you have an unfair situation. In my case, part of the reason that I work out with weights and aerobics every day is because my wife likes broad shoulders and to be able to see my abs. Can't say that this is unfair, given some of the things that I ask of her.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

My first thought was he might have a fetish! And I also agree with what unbelievable wrote.

My second thought was maybe it's time for you to tell him what turns you on (if you haven't already). Maybe it's time to switch things up - for you. Lingerie, heels, passionate kisses, he's turned on by you. That's a good thing! I love the idea suggested of wearing his shirt, no make up, maybe add some over the knee socks. Cute! Anyway, work this out together before your sex life starts suffering.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

In all honesty, it sounds like he has a fetish about you being dressed up.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

"somehow we got in the habit that for whenever we would have sex it would involve a process of me getting changed into a nice outfit, putting on sexy lingerie, high heels, doing make up etc... It has been that way since the start of our relationship."

There's no indication in this post that he has ever had sex with her any other way or that she began wearing these things at his request.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

She said he loses interest and is suddenly tired if she doesn't dress up.

He may have a fetish, and that's not a problem in itself, but if he can only have sex under those circumstances it is a problem.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:53 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by poley View Post
Maybe I'm over reacting but every time I've tried to talk to him about it he says "but you know how much I like it" so I ask him what is wrong with me as I am to which he says "nothing, but you know I like you all dressed up" however the past couple months its got worse, and he will be asking for sex with me all dressed up and I'll say lets just go up to bed now and all of a sudden he's tired and doesn't want it anymore. Surely if he wanted sex 2 minutes ago he still wants it now?! And in the past 2months I can count on my hands the amount of times we've had sex.
I'm not sure that I buy it that this can really just be his way of asking for sex, although I think that this is usually the way sexual discontent occurs - by making assumptions.

What was key is in asking him why it has to be this way, and he says that this is the way he likes it, then stops wanting sex when she won't do it.

However, I don't think it implies that he doesn't find her unattractive. Just maybe linking the arousal to a certain set of conditions. Early in my marriage, my wife seemed convinced that she must spend an hour preparing herself for the evening. Never wore anything less than really elegant nightgowns, and put her hair up like she usually wore it on the runway when she modelled. Even the scantily clad look was designer. When I told her that I found her incredibly attractive in virtually any state of dress, or lack of, she said that if felt that a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She just wanted to be desired as she was.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

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My first thought was he might have a fetish! And I also agree with what unbelievable wrote.

My second thought was maybe it's time for you to tell him what turns you on (if you haven't already). Maybe it's time to switch things up - for you. Lingerie, heels, passionate kisses, he's turned on by you. That's a good thing! I love the idea suggested of wearing his shirt, no make up, maybe add some over the knee socks. Cute! Anyway, work this out together before your sex life starts suffering.
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i agree, turn the tables a bit, make some requests of him as well, its only fair
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

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She said he loses interest and is suddenly tired if she doesn't dress up.

He may have a fetish, and that's not a problem in itself, but if he can only have sex under those circumstances it is a problem.
"lets just go up to bed now and all of a sudden he's tired and doesn't want it anymore"

I hear you and it's quite possible you're right. If he's asked her to dress up and to him, that means "let's have sex" and she replies as above "let's just go up to bed now", he may have heard that as a rejection of his offer to have sex. Of course, we don't have the exact words and tone she used and we only have her post to go on, but "let's just go up to bed now" isn't a clear sexual proposition to me. My wife says that frequently and it sure doesn't mean sex around here.
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

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I hope you don't think I'm over reacting and I apologise for the long post, but i'm feeling so low and would appreciate some advice.

Thank you
You're not overreacting at all, but I don't think you're the problem. It sounds like your husband has a strong fetish. He probably had it before he met you, and he probably continues it without you (on the internet, etc.). He's into clothes, heels, f-me-pumps, whatever.

I little fetish can be fine, fun, and a way to keep things interesting. But, when a fetish dominates a sexual lifestyle then it's going to cause problems if you don't completely share it. Some people have fetishes like you husband, some have foot fetishes, pantyhose, exhibitionism, etc. If it's manageable then fine, but if not then it's time for him to get some help.

But, please realize that you are NOT the problem, it is his sexual mind that has gotten a couple of circuits crossed.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

Very reasonable on your part. Just don't make it too big a deal and talk to him about it.
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Old 07-08-2011, 05:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

If it would get my wife in the mood, I'd put on a chicken suit.
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Old 07-08-2011, 06:15 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't find me attractive

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If it would get my wife in the mood, I'd put on a chicken suit.
The visuals hit me as soon as I read it. Now I have to clean the coffee off the keyboard. Bet you couldn't smoke a cigarette afterwards without catching the beak on fire.
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Old 07-08-2011, 08:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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The visuals hit me as soon as I read it. Now I have to clean the coffee off the keyboard. Bet you couldn't smoke a cigarette afterwards without catching the beak on fire.
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