Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So I just passed 50, and I'm in perimenopause, and my libido has been doing some funny things. Occasionally I will go for a few days with no interest at all, but most of the time I'm as aroused as a teenager. My husband, on the other hand, has been cooling down. We've always had a wonderful sex life together, and we still do, but intercourse now is maybe once or twice a week, which seems enough for him. So I've been masturbating -- a lot -- and wondering what to do about that.
Masturbation has never been a secret between us before. We've been together since college, and we've always masturbated, both together and alone. He did it more than I did when we were younger, but I caught up as we got into our 40s. And now I'm probably masturbating more than I did even as a adolescent -- just about daily, sometimes even more. (I work from a home office, and can slip upstairs for a quickie at coffee break time.)
When I started masturbating more in my 40s, I told my husband about it, and he seemed to get a kick out of it -- lots of winking references to going to bed early. He serves on a couple of committees, and is out late a couple of nights a week, and he knew these were my date nights with myself -- a glass of wine, a romance novel (thank you, Diana Gabaldon), and bliss. He'd find my panties on the floor beside the bed the morning, and ask me how many orgasms I went for.
But that was when my solitary sex life more or less equaled our sex life together. I didn't feel -- and he didn't either -- that he was losing out on anything, or that he was unable to satisfy my needs. Masturbation was a supplement to what we did together, a way to harmlessly indulge in fantasies.
Now that I'm masturbating so much more often, I'm keeping some of it from him, for the first time in our lives together. Sometimes I even masturbate quietly in bed at night while he sleeps beside me. (I always shared a room with my sister, and then had roommates in college, so I'm a skilled in the art of discreet self-love.) I still leave my panties on the floor on the nights he's out, when he expects me to be masturbating, but I keep them on when I do it on the other nights.
I'm torn about this. I don't like keeping it secret from him, but I also don't want to hurt him. He's already self-conscious enough about getting older, and his cooling libido. I want to emphasize -- I love the sex we do still have together. I want to emphasize, too -- I love masturbating. I never have, and still don't, regard it as a second-class substitute. It is a transcendent pleasure all its own, and I'm certainly enjoying all the orgasms I'm giving myself. I'm not looking for him to answer all the new sexual needs that perimenopuase has brought me. But I'm not sure how much is good for him to know about how I'm answering those needs myself.
Anyone else have a similar experience? Anyone have any thoughts?
It just feels as if it would be too big a thing to hit him with all at once. Maybe something more gradual. The panties on the floor are a nice playful signal between us. Maybe I could leave them there one morning when he hasn't been out, and when he wouldn't be expecting to find them -- maybe a morning after I've masturbated quietly while he slept. That could get the conversation started.
Hmm... I think I am jealous. I am in my 40's and am perimenopausal but haven't experienced anything but unnpleasant symptoms.
Is there any reason why your husband can't participate with you - either with his hand or mouth - with no expectation he would have to do anything else if he didn't want to? Any reason why he can't watch you in a similar vein?
I believe that married couples should try and share their sexuality with their spouse as much as possible, and try and work out compromises with them so that neither spouse feels pressured or is unsatisfied.
You should be able to enjoy this high with your husband while it lasts and look at it together like a blessing, not a nuisance or something that needs to be hidden.
I've had some of perimenopause's less pleasant symptoms, too -- but I've been glad to also find this more pleasant benefit. Maybe it will hit you eventually, too. I have four older sisters, and two of them had similar experiences to mine.
My husband and I do share our sexuality, but what we also share is the belief that fantasy is a part of that sexuality. That's why masturbation, in my view, is an essential ingredient of monogamy -- it allows you to explore those fantasies in your head, not in a cheap motel room in an affair.
Your comment has hit on part of my dilemma. Yes, that would be nice to have some oral or manual stimulation sometimes. But I have to admit that I'm really enjoying my orgasms alone. I've always loved to masturbate, and it's great to be able to indulge my fantasies so often. Teenage girls aren't the only ones getting off to the Twilight saga.
Well, then, if it were me (PLEASE God, let this be me someday ), I would let my husband know about what kinds of changes are going on in my body. I would gladly let him participate the times when he wanted to, otherwise I would have at it alone with Edward or Jacob and not feel guilty about it.
let it come out naturally. It's not the type of thing, since he knows you've masturbated all along, that you have to have a sit down discussion about. Don't hide it, but don't feel like you have to make a big deal out of it either.
Some suggestions...you can:
...leave your panties on the floor more often
...or leave them off the floor sometimes when he knows you masturbated, that way it's not always clear if you have (unless you have a standing agreement to always let him know).
...make a flippant comment over coffee one morning along the lines of "gosh I've been masturbating a lot"
...do it in other places and leave your panties there, such as on the floor of your home office. Then he'll get the idea your practices have expanded some.
...do it next to him while he's just fallen asleep whispering his name in loving phrases while you do it (although, that one might wake him up)
I'm sure you can think of more ways to "not hide it", but at the same time let him draw his own conclusions over time without having to make it a matter of state in the household.
One thing, and you sound like you probably do this already, but if he's battling some mental and physical demons of aging let him know often and out of the blue how much you love him.
Communicating and understanding are key in a relationship of any kind. Honesty is a requirement for real communication and real understanding. Without honesty you cannot communicate nor understand. So, where do you want the relationship to go. I say do the right thing, be honest and straightforward. Then you will be doing the right thing.
If I knew my wife was dragging out the toys when i wasn't around it would turn me on. That's what I bought them for; so we can play together or her needs can be met if I'm not around
if i knew my wife was dragging out the toys when i wasn't around it would turn me on. That's what i bought them for; so we can play together or her needs can be met if i'm not around
getting older, masturbating more, tell husband? 
