Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Husband and vasectomy

11K views 72 replies 27 participants last post by  Seppuku 
#1 ·
Hello everyone! I'm new here, just joined to seek some answer about my problem.

My husband just had a vasectomy done without telling me but I found out about it because I saw he's having sore balls and stitches when he got out of the shower. I was soooo angry, we got into a fight and he says to me that Every woman should be proud of a man that does this thing?? He says It would enhance our sex life, because we no longer have to be concerned about unwanted further pregnancies. He says it is not safe for a woman to be on the contraceptive pill indefinitely. He told me not to get angry because it's his body and his choice? I am still pissed because he didn't talk to me before he got this vasectomy done.. Am I wrong for being pissed off????

P.S please excuse any wrong grammar,English is not my language. Thank you!
 
#2 ·
You have every right to be pissed off. I had one done last year, but this was after discussing with my wife to make sure we were on the same page as far as any more kids, etc... This is a big decision to make, he did it without you which honestly just shows a lack of respect.

Have you guys already agreed that kids are no longer in your future.
 
#3 ·
Thank you for your kind reply.
He said he has the right to do it because it's his body. I may add, he talks to a bunch of girls where he played chess online.

Have you guys already agreed that kids are no longer in your future.[/QUOTE]

We have one child. Before We talked about not having kids anymore but we weren't serious about this topic. :crying:
 
#4 ·
Thank you for your kind reply.
He said he has the right to do it because it's his body. I may add, he talks to a bunch of girls where he played chess online.

Have you guys already agreed that kids are no longer in your future.

We have one child. Before We talked about not having kids anymore but we weren't serious about this topic. :crying:
Chess girls don't scare me :grin2:

Honestly the bolded is what I would be most concerned about. He made a decision that has a direct impact on your marriage, without you. I honestly don't know what the solution is (except tell him to get it reversed if possible), but this could very well be something you develop a lot of resentment over with time so I wouldn't take it lightly.
 
#6 ·
It is of course both things at once. It IS his body and his right to get a vasectomy, and it's your right to be angry about it.

So now what are you going to do? Did you really want to consider more children or are you just bent out of shape about this? Any man who truly never wants to father another child is smart to ensure that he never does, and in the end, your sex life will thank him for it. Unless, of course, you really did want another child.
 
#7 ·
You don't have a right to what he does with his body. He doesn't want any more kids. How would you feel if your husband wanted to discuss you carrying a pregnancy to term that you didn't want? I'm sure most women would reply that it's "her body, her choice." Though, he should have let you know it was happening beforehand.
 
#9 ·
You don't have a right to what he does with his body. He doesn't want any more kids. How would you feel if your husband wanted to discuss you to carrying a pregnancy to term that you didn't want? I'm sure most women would reply that it's "her body, her choice." Though, he should have let you know it was happening beforehand.
I don't see the issue being not being able to do what he wants with his body. The issue is he went ahead without saying anything to his wife. It may be his body but it could have an impact on their marriage so it is disrespectful to leave her out of the conversation. It sounds like there was never a serious conversation about having any more kids, and IMO this should have been discussed prior to his surgery. He could have still gone ahead with the surgery regardless of how the conversation went, but at least show your spouse some respect by discussing beforehand.
 
#8 ·
Thank you Anon1111 and Cletus.

Well I may not want more kids now but maybe I'd want more someday and he just told me last night to just go with the flow because it's very impossible to get it reversed?? Arrrrg! Sigh!

Also, why would he did this considering he travels a lot and we only see a few times a year?? I am angry at him but he's even angrier at me and shouting telling me to get over it.
 
#10 ·
Also, why would he did this considering he travels a lot and we only see a few times a year?? I am angry at him but he's even angrier at me and shouting telling me to get over it.
You are married and only see each other a few times a year ??? :confused:
 
#18 ·
Good evening and thank you.

We never talk about him having vasectomy before and we have talked about not having kids anymore but not too serious or maybe he was serious but I didn't know he never tell me reallyyyy
 
#14 ·
Women have abortions without telling their husband they're even pregnant. Or decide not to have one even when they've agreed she would. Her body, her choice is what we're told. Well, his body, his choice. Either both situations require both partners to have a say, or neither do, IMO.
 
#16 ·
As a married couple, you are "a team," and as such, decisions about having children in the future should be a joint one and not a unilateral one! And while you do not "own" his body, just as he does not own yours, he should have never submitted to the procedure without your total blessings!

Accordingly, you have every right to be totally upset!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#19 ·
Thank you!

This is exactly what I was trying to explain to him last Monday but he just gets angry and shouting and saying to me that I should be thankful he did this so he can go for hours and satisfy me???Hmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
#22 ·
Basically he's telling me to STFU and just go with the flow cuz it's already done? But I can't seem to let myself calm about this because I also have problems with him and his women that he talks to for hours online. I don't know if he meets them, my sister told me to check his phone or emails or messenger but I don't want to invade his privacy or he's going to be really mad at me.
 
#34 ·
Thank you everyone for your kind advice and thoughts.
Today he didn't speak with me. and in two weeks he has to leave for work again. I just want to forget about this problem so we can enjoy our times together while he is around but I don't know why I am very upset about it. Maybe because he doesn't think what he did is completely out of my business which I think is wrong?
 
#36 ·
In my opinion he should have discussed it first. Maybe you'd of had good reasoning and persuasive arguments why he should not do it, and perhaps he'd of agreed with you. I'm not for either party in the marriage unilaterally deciding against (or even for, in the case of birth control sabatoge) the choice for children.

However, it is his body, and his choice. Men can get hammered over support for children, even when they were dead set against it and there was birth control sabatoge.

I know I will never want another child. My choice. But I made that choice and was up front about it when dating and before marriage. I also knew I'd never trust a woman to respect my wishes. Was on the verge of getting snipped when I met my w, who cannot have children, so for now, I'm still in tact. But I was going to have it done and there was nobody who was going to tell me otherwise.

A conversation should have taken place. And a smart move may have been to have some sperm frozen and stored before the snipping. But in the end it would be like a woman getting her tubes tied without consulting the husband. Wrong to do so without the conversation, and would speak to some serious problems in the marriage, but still her choice.

I'd be more concerned with why he made the decision without consulting you. Could be he's angry at this whole "I'm a woman, my body, my choice" thing and made his own little stand for equality.....OR there are things wrong in your relationship where he refused to, or felt he could not or did not want to discuss with you. I think you need to stop worrying about that which is already done, and get to work with him and find out the truth behind WHY it was done without discussion with his life partner.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#37 ·
He absolutely should had discuss this with you before he did it. How would he felt is you did breasts reduction without telling him? Also, I voice my concern with other members about this situation. If he only sees you few times a year, why do it unless there are other reasons?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#39 ·
OP, i don't know how old you are, but you seem very young (judging by the way you type). Is he significantly older than you?

I just had mine done about three weeks ago but that was after discussion with my wife to make sure we were really done.

I Ind it off that you noticed stitches when he comes out of the shower; the incisions are very small. We're you looking more carefully because you noticed that he was acting sore?

You said you talked about not having any more kids, but it wasn't serious. Was it serious for him? Sometimes we say thing half in jest but the other person takes them to heart - if you said even jokingly that you didn't want any more kids, then he might have thought you were serious.

The other side of the coin is that he is having an affair or planning to have one. I would check his phone and email and such. But if you find something, don't confront him right away without a preponderance of evidence, because cheaters deny everything, even when they know they are caught.
 
#42 ·
Yes he is older,much older actually (late 40s) but very handsome. He travels twice a year home for one or two months then leave again. I found out because he's having sore balls, when got out of shower he never put towel around his waist usually walks around naked to our room so I pulled the towel off from him coz I was going to get on my knees etc..then I saw sore balls and stitches, upon confronting him he got very angry and didn't explain at all. He only said I should be happy but we got into a big fight, we didn't speak today. Very quiet between us right now he is on his laptop playing chess online. I know my sister keep telling me to check his messenger (Skype) emails and phone but don't know the passwords and he's going to be really mad if I get into his stuff. I don't know if he's having an affair. But I know he talks to a lot of women. He's not a bad person he just likes to do whatever he wants because he says he's the one bringing money on the table!! Although I have a job but don't make as much as him.
 
#41 ·
And do keep in mind that it can take up to 30 days or so from the vasectomy surgery date before his sperm count is deemed to be at an absolute zero level!

Until such time, he could well be capable of impregnating you or anyone else that he happens to fall into bed with!
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#43 ·
All kinds of 'red flags' (danger signs) here, FitGirl. He thinks he owns you, and can do whatever he wants. This is including being unfaithful. Even if it is only electronically right now (online), which I have my doubts about, it will go physical. If it hasn't already. "playing chess online" means he is chatting to other women.

Your sister is telling you true, you should listen.
 
#44 ·
We have had fights over his addiction of playing chess online and I saw him many times he was talking to women that he plays with. He says of course he has to reply them when they ask questions about the game. I never doubted him, I always trust him but not 100% anymore since he got this vasectomy done behind my back. I want to investigate and do what my sister say but also afraid that he might find out I'm snooping around his stuff???
 
#46 ·
Thank you. It's hard but I think I will start snooping around, since he is always on chess site that's where Im going to start because he gets a tons of emails (I see only tiny red notifications) his inbox in that site.. Hmmmmmm hmm
 
#48 ·
This morning when he got back from the gym, he didn't even take a shower and eat but went to open his laptop and was playing chess again. I was pretending to ask him if he wants something from the store (I wasn't going) just to have a look on what he was doing but everytime i get near him he tries to switch it to another tab to AOL news Arrrrrrg! It's sad we didn't enjoy our time together because he has to live again for work in two weeks.
 
#50 ·
Your husband is being secretive for a reason, he's obviously hiding something. That's just not a normal reaction.

I'd do some snooping if I was you.

As for the vasectomy, yes it's his body and he should have the right to do whatever he really wants at the end of the day. However most reasonable married, loving people don't make huge decisions without consulting their spouse. That's just selfish and strange.

I don't think your relationship us anywhere close to respectful, and he feels for some reason that he can walk all over you.
 
#49 ·
Had a buddy that got one after his wife had her tubes tied, it was a head scratcher for sure his wife was not mad the only thing I could come up with was open marriage or swinging

Also he only had one ball and I joked with him about getting it for half price and him being a sucker for a good deal

On that side note he should have talked to you about it before he had it because you are partners but I dont think he needed your approvel or your blessing to bo it

The compromise would have been to freeze sperm and then get it done
 
#53 ·
I just read this whole thread & yes, you have every right to be upset. He removed permanently any chance for you to have any more kids with him. I don't want to scare you, but if I only spent time with my wife a few times a year & obviously was around other women, having a vasectomy just made cheating full proof.
please be careful & observant.
 
#57 ·
I don't want to scare you, but if I only spent time with my wife a few times a year & obviously was around other women, having a vasectomy just made cheating full proof.
please be careful & observant.
Thanks so much! After he got a vasectomy done behind my back I don't know if I should ever trust him again!!!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top