Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Okay, what does this mean? My husband has been into porn for almost a decade ~ that he admits to ~ and chatting for a couple of years. His porn use accelerated from a couple of hours a week and then he got into chat rooms and then caming.
I never knew.
I discovered his "whole secret life on the Internet" (his words) by accident one morning when I had to use his computer. I trusted him completely. I was never jealous or suspicious.
Why would I be? He's always claimed only love and devotion towards me.
What a lie.
Anyway, after a lot of questioning, he's finally admitted to me that he masturbated with seven to ten men online, had private cam sessions with them, because he couldn't find a woman in ChatForFree or anywhere else. He was signed up on BabbleSex and NewbieNudes ~ he posted a naked pic of himself there.
Should I believe him that he's not bi or gay or that he couldn't find a single woman to chat with online in his two years of chatting ~ despite his being on find a sex partner sites?
This sounds completely ludicrous ~ he's funny, charming and a writer. He couldn't find one single person ~ except a teenage girl to chat with ~ the one I discovered when I discovered his secret email account. This is the only female he says he chatted and camed with in two years.
He spent hours daily at chatting ~ totally and completely undisturbed in our back office. He was off of work for five years and instead of looking for a job or building his supposed business, he spent the hours chatting. I thought he was building his business and writing a business book ~ among other things.
I encouraged him totally in every endeavor he had ~ I built him up and now I discover that during this time, he was tearing our marriage apart.
I bought his whole excuse of being under stress from that, plus our dwindling finances, so I didn't pressure him for sex. I loved him, looked up to him, believed in him. Blindly. We never argued ~ and I never ever refused him for sex. In fact, I was asking him for sex ~ maybe at times, even begging. But I never gave him an ultimatum.
Maybe I should have put my foot down and said, "Hey, we have to have sex more than once every few months."
I believe now that I settled for too little.
I'm not a gargoyle. I'm almost six feet tall, athletic and blonde.
I'm hurt and reeling from his lies and don't know if he could be gay or bi.
He claims to have no attraction whatsoever to men.
And yet... this.
I just don't want to remain married without knowing the truth. He has lied about so many things.
Men?
Anyone?
Please help. Any ideas on what to do?
We have been to counseling and it doesn't seem like it's helping. How can it, if one partner lies?
For a decent period when I was single, I was in a pretty low emotional funk. During that time, feeling anti-social, but still in need of release, I ventured into adult message boards, and ultimately, a chat room or two. A different social dynamic exists there, one that some would find...disturbing, for want of a better word. For one thing, it's far more prevalent to find men online in such cases than women. And, most of the women...are men pretending to be women. The standard joke is that, unless someone can be verified as a woman somehow, assume it's a man. And, if you're fine with that "theater of the mind," and playing along...more power to you.
Although you will find those who are adamant about chatting and/or camming with a particular gender and/or orientation, there's a certain mentality of "beggars can't be choosers," with most participants getting a charge out of the exhibitionist and voyeuristic aspects of what they're doing more than who they're doing it with. There's also a sort of barter system in place...trading pictures, etc. As a result, many who trade porn pictures will keep pictures or links saved of content that may not turn them on, but makes for good trading fodder. This includes self-pics. With all that in mind, I wouldn't NECESSARILY be concerned about his own orientation (although he may indeed have some bi tendencies or curiosity).
The big issue here is how it's impacting the relationship. These activities do constitute a betrayal of trust. As such, I'd say counseling is definitely in order. Since you've tried that, though, and it doesn't seem to have helped, it may just be time to decide not only where you stand on this issue, but in regards to the relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
Okay, what does this mean? My husband has been into porn for almost a decade ~ that he admits to ~ and chatting for a couple of years. His porn use accelerated from a couple of hours a week and then he got into chat rooms and then caming.
I never knew.
I discovered his "whole secret life on the Internet" (his words) by accident one morning when I had to use his computer. I trusted him completely. I was never jealous or suspicious.
Why would I be? He's always claimed only love and devotion towards me.
What a lie.
Anyway, after a lot of questioning, he's finally admitted to me that he masturbated with seven to ten men online, had private cam sessions with them, because he couldn't find a woman in ChatForFree or anywhere else. He was signed up on BabbleSex and NewbieNudes ~ he posted a naked pic of himself there.
Should I believe him that he's not bi or gay or that he couldn't find a single woman to chat with online in his two years of chatting ~ despite his being on find a sex partner sites?
This sounds completely ludicrous ~ he's funny, charming and a writer. He couldn't find one single person ~ except a teenage girl to chat with ~ the one I discovered when I discovered his secret email account. This is the only female he says he chatted and camed with in two years.
He spent hours daily at chatting ~ totally and completely undisturbed in our back office. He was off of work for five years and instead of looking for a job or building his supposed business, he spent the hours chatting. I thought he was building his business and writing a business book ~ among other things.
I encouraged him totally in every endeavor he had ~ I built him up and now I discover that during this time, he was tearing our marriage apart.
I bought his whole excuse of being under stress from that, plus our dwindling finances, so I didn't pressure him for sex. I loved him, looked up to him, believed in him. Blindly. We never argued ~ and I never ever refused him for sex. In fact, I was asking him for sex ~ maybe at times, even begging. But I never gave him an ultimatum.
Maybe I should have put my foot down and said, "Hey, we have to have sex more than once every few months."
I believe now that I settled for too little.
I'm not a gargoyle. I'm almost six feet tall, athletic and blonde.
I'm hurt and reeling from his lies and don't know if he could be gay or bi.
He claims to have no attraction whatsoever to men.
And yet... this.
I just don't want to remain married without knowing the truth. He has lied about so many things.
Men?
Anyone?
Please help. Any ideas on what to do?
We have been to counseling and it doesn't seem like it's helping. How can it, if one partner lies?
ewww
i think he really needs to talk to somebody on a professional level. and i would consider this cheating and thats my deal breaker first time on now a days.
"Grayson
Re: Husband masturbating with men online
Speaking from personal experience....
For a decent period when I was single, I was in a pretty low emotional funk. During that time, feeling anti-social, but still in need of release, I ventured into adult message boards, and ultimately, a chat room or two. A different social dynamic exists there, one that some would find...disturbing, for want of a better word. For one thing, it's far more prevalent to find men online in such cases than women. And, most of the women...are men pretending to be women. The standard joke is that, unless someone can be verified as a woman somehow, assume it's a man. And, if you're fine with that "theater of the mind," and playing along...more power to you.
Although you will find those who are adamant about chatting and/or camming with a particular gender and/or orientation, there's a certain mentality of "beggars can't be choosers," with most participants getting a charge out of the exhibitionist and voyeuristic aspects of what they're doing more than who they're doing it with. There's also a sort of barter system in place...trading pictures, etc. As a result, many who trade porn pictures will keep pictures or links saved of content that may not turn them on, but makes for good trading fodder. This includes self-pics. With all that in mind, I wouldn't NECESSARILY be concerned about his own orientation (although he may indeed have some bi tendencies or curiosity)."
eww a again.
"Grayson
Re: Husband masturbating with men online
The big issue here is how it's impacting the relationship. These activities do constitute a betrayal of trust. As such, I'd say counseling is definitely in order. Since you've tried that, though, and it doesn't seem to have helped, it may just be time to decide not only where you stand on this issue, but in regards to the relationship."
Jelly ~ well, it improved dramatically after Dday ~ and I was thrilled.
This may be why I'm feeling so conflicted.
Grayson ~ thanks for sharing your insights with me ~ after I discovered his "secret life" I went into the adult chat rooms myself to see what the allure was ~ often it was with my husband as well as when I was alone.
I didn't quite get into the "disturbing" side of it all ~ but I saw enough to be shocked. And saddened with the knowledge that my husband was one of those sad and lonely men ~ when he didn't need to be.
That being said, what my issue now is lying. I feel like he must have had other chats and cam sessions ~ just the odds makes me think this had to have happened. I think maybe he believes that he's trying to protect me by not telling me.
I don't know.
I was hoping for someone who might have done this or experienced the same thing with their husband to share their thoughts.
Thanks for your help, Grayson. I really want to understand why and how this happened. And you're giving me something to consider: the kind of mentality that exists there in a chat room.
Somewhere I read about a guy who took to masturbation with men, not physically with them like this because it felt less like cheating. Only that guy didn't have a willing wife.
Your guy is hiding the truth from you. Like with porn, this online **** is a slippery slope. Who knows when it would go from online to Craigslist and real life.
Look, he wasted your time by playing jerkoff online when he should have been behaving like a man rather than playing with men. He is far from responsible. Far from good mate material. And a good liar to boot. Posted via Mobile Device
ClipClop ~ I know, this is why I'm debating whether or not the relationship/marriage is worth saving at this point. He wasted seven years of what should have been a great sexual life.
He tells me that he's stopped everything. Completely.
Looking back there were certainly enough red flags ~ I mean the lack of sex was a huge red flag, but I chose to believe that he was being honest with me about feeling stressed and tired. Tired because he was up half the night ~ supposedly unable to sleep and praying. Though now, I believe he was online.
As a person who socialized with lots of gay men and went to lots of gay nightclubs.... most gay men would agree that your husband is at least bi-curious.... whether he would act on this curiosity in real life or not, is left to be seen, but the mere fact that he plays online with others (men or women) but doesn't want to satisfy you is a big red flag. All I can say is something is cooking and marriage may be on shaky grounds. Best of luck to you.
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Husband masturbating with men online 
