Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm new here, and need some anonymous people to talk to and get advice from.
I'm 21 & been married for 2 years (YES i know that's heaps young but my husband and i are both Christian & believe in no sex before marriage etc etc)
So obviously we never would have known that when we got married that my sexual drive would plummet. When we first were dating i loved making out & pushing the boundaries without actually ever having sex, but know i just don't feel anything! I mean i'll look at other guys & not feel anything either. My husband starting to give up on the world & us, he was so wonderful in beginning, so understanding and patient. But it was always me, it's like i have a this inner wall up in my brain that doesnt allow romance, attraction and emotion to pass through. ive tried Horny Goats weed (but i always forgot to take it) so that didnt work, i'm off the Pill, but my libido is still no where to be found! I love my DH so much i dont want to lose him but i don't understand why i can't just brake through this barrier, i think i'm scared, you watch movies and sex in the movies is so planned, so romantic, it flows! i freak out and want a plan for sex, but need to understand that i have to let go..but i cant! I do get into sex once we start, but sometimes i can't even get into it..
Grew up with mum and dad fighting, 95% sure they never had sex, so i grew up watching a marriage function without affection and love towards eachother. Hubby thinks we're just two friends living together. I've made an appointment to see a Councillor this week, maybe i do have underlying problems suppressing my emotions?
Would increasing the foreplay help? This book might bevery helpful and is written from a Christian perspective on marriage and sexual intimacy. And They Were Not Ashamed
You have shared that your libido is not what it needs to be. Well, here's the thing, hormones can fluctuate and that can cause a lowering of the sex drive. But it might just be that you need a little time to "get the engine going" so to speak. I recommend you take a nice bath, light a candle, put on some romantic music and request a back rub ( have him take his time), the physical touch of the back rub should help you to feel more aroused. Then simply be affectionate and have sex with your hubby. This should be something you do regularly. Don't avoid sex because you are waiting to feel fireworks. If the back rub doesn't help try to find a compounding pharmacy that will get you a prescription for a little testosterone ( if helps to raise the libido) just a tiny dab will do it. Don't get all stressed about this, just learn what will work for you, and enjoy your husband.
- You are a woman
- You are Christian
- You wanted to wait until marriage to have sex.
I'm not surprised you hate sex.
I don't see how your "problem" can be fixed, you have and always will have alot of hang ups about sex. You are normal... considering you are a Christian woman.
It's not in your nature to like sex or physical intimacy. Your husband surely knew it was gonna be like this so he'll have to live with it.
If a man marries a deeply devoted christian woman who doesn't want sex before marriage.... He should not be surprised when the marriage turns out to be sexless.
Maybe you should try doing things or going to places you used to go when you weren't married and you can watch x-rated films together, go on another honeymoon.
- You are a woman
- You are Christian
- You wanted to wait until marriage to have sex.
I'm not surprised you hate sex.
I don't see how your "problem" can be fixed, you have and always will have alot of hang ups about sex. You are normal... considering you are a Christian woman.
It's not in your nature to like sex or physical intimacy. Your husband surely knew it was gonna be like this so he'll have to live with it.
If a man marries a deeply devoted christian woman who doesn't want sex before marriage.... He should not be surprised when the marriage turns out to be sexless.
That is a highly prejudiced, judgmental and insulting thing to say.
Perhaps you haven't noticed, but Catholics have huge families and tend to go at it like rabbits more often than not. Even the Amish are into sex, in fact they condone sleeping together before marriage as a way to determine compatibility.
What you said was the equivalent of insulting any other ethnic group by making vague, unflattering and nasty comments about them in a flippant manner.
To the OP. I suspect that what may be the issue is how you saw your parents act and interact. I've heard say that one's expectations and standards for most all social interactions are heavily influenced by the situation one grew up around. Even if we don't accept it and think that we'll be different, many times we end up the same. Fortunately there is freewill and the ability to exercise it. The poster who suggested the long baths and back rubs and the "just do it" line of thinking is right on, it seems that while you lack experience in this realm you can easily establish your own baseline by setting *your* relationship expectations beyond what you grew up seeing with your parents.
Good luck, and ignore those who simply wish to post in order to belittle your faith.
That is a highly prejudiced, judgmental and insulting thing to say.
Perhaps you haven't noticed, but Catholics have huge families and tend to go at it like rabbits more often than not. Even the Amish are into sex, in fact they condone sleeping together before marriage as a way to determine compatibility.
What you said was the equivalent of insulting any other ethnic group by making vague, unflattering and nasty comments about them in a flippant manner.
It's hardly insulting considering that christian women want to be seen as asexual. They think sex is dirty and wrong.
But if I did insult anyone, I'm sorry. But I've seen so many posts like this... 'man marries a christian woman who doesn't want sex before marriage and marriage turns out to be sexless'.
I don't really think men who marry Christian women should expect sex or physical intimiacy. They should know that the marriage will be sexless and without any affection what so ever.
It's hardly insulting considering that christian women want to be seen as asexual. They think sex is dirty and wrong.
Oh? And where do you glean this nugget of wisdom? The concept of sex in Christianity is hardly one of asexualism. One doesn't go forth and populate the planet by not having sex, and that's just from the first book of the Old Testament. You seem to have a lot of ingrained prejudices, please try and have more of an open mind regarding other cultures and practices.
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But if I did insult anyone, I'm sorry. But I've seen so many posts like this... 'man marries a christian woman who doesn't want sex before marriage and marriage turns out to be sexless'.
That's called Confirmation Bias. Do you also notice that there are thousands of posts where there is no religious affiliation or belief stated that make the same claims? Because they're there. You're seeing what you want to see in order to justify your own prejudices. We all do it to some extent regarding our own views, just in this case it is so glaring.
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I don't really think men who marry Christian women should expect sex or physical intimiacy. They should know that the marriage will be sexless and without any affection what so ever.
You pseudo-apologize for insults, then hurl a zinger at the end. Clearly you have no experience with Christianity, or what experience you do have was profoundly negative and colored your view against the entire religion without any further corroboration needed.
In any event this is OT. The OP has an issue, and belittling her entire belief system and faith is the last thing she needs. To claim that Christians strive for asexuality is not only insulting but grossly untrue and displays little more than gross ignorance on the part of the person making the claim.
Aye, that is the biggest load of crap I have ever read. My wife and I are Christian and have a very affectionate relationship. Her drive has died over the years but had nothing to do with our religion.
In fact her sister is much more devout than we are and they have a great sex life.
To the O.P. Definitely do the counseling and maybe even have your hormone levels checked. Good luck!
Oh? And where do you glean this nugget of wisdom? The concept of sex in Christianity is hardly one of asexualism. One doesn't go forth and populate the planet by not having sex, and that's just from the first book of the Old Testament. You seem to have a lot of ingrained prejudices, please try and have more of an open mind regarding other cultures and practices.
True, but I suspect for alot of Christian couples sex is for that reason only. I doub't Christians have sex for their enjoyment... It's probably like once every second year when they want a new baby. And only in the missionary position too
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That's called Confirmation Bias. Do you also notice that there are thousands of posts where there is no religious affiliation or belief stated that make the same claims? Because they're there. You're seeing what you want to see in order to justify your own prejudices. We all do it to some extent regarding our own views, just in this case it is so glaring.
True... but even so if a marriage is sexless, 9 times out of 10 it's because the woman doesn't like sex.
And I do think that christians have alot more hang-ups about sex in general. Infact I know they do because if a woman has hang ups about sex... more often than not it's because of a strict conservative christian upbrining.
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You pseudo-apologize for insults, then hurl a zinger at the end. Clearly you have no experience with Christianity, or what experience you do have was profoundly negative and colored your view against the entire religion without any further corroboration needed.
In any event this is OT. The OP has an issue, and belittling her entire belief system and faith is the last thing she needs. To claim that Christians strive for asexuality is not only insulting but grossly untrue and displays little more than gross ignorance on the part of the person making the claim.
Please, you're intolerance is not helping her.
My maternal family where very strict Christians, I do have experience with Christianity and I'm not belitling it.
All I'm saying is, if you want to be a good christian then you are supposed to think sex is disgusting and wrong, you are supposed to have an extremley conservative view on it, you are not supposed to have sex simply for enjoyment, its for reproduction only.
So why would the OP want to change? She is being a good Christian by disliking sex and I respect that, thats her belief
And you are absolutely wrong. What you experienced are individuals acting a certain way, not an entire faith and belief system. You've ignored my pointing out the absolutely huge families Catholics have, as well as the Amish (and Lutherans), etc. Your experience is your own, and nobody elses, and reflects reality for the rest of Christianity in much the same way that somebody running into my car at a stop light reflects on all of the other drivers on the road.
You are in fact belittling her and her faith. She's here because she *doesn't* want her situation and wants to change it.
We have nothing more to say. If you wish to wreak your revenge against Christianity, do it at your own expense, don't make another human being looking for help feel worse than she already does.
Steak-What you are describing is indeed the experience of some women. Unfortunately, it was mine. But please understand that it is *not* the experience of all women. I know plenty of Christian women who happily went at it with their husbands after they were married. Making gross generalizations does no good. The OP is clearly not happy with her circumstances and came here for help.
do listen to what steak says, the bible does not say that sex is dirty, sex is only dirty outside of marriage, because in the eyes of God sex outside of marriage is fornication which is a sin and sin is dirty in God's eyes.
go to here Guide To Love Making to learn some awesome love making tips and exotic questions for couples to ask each other it will open you to a new realm of sexual happiness yet to be attained in your marriage, you seem to be tired of sexual boredom i highly recommend it for you and your husband I wish you both the best.
Our situation was similar and you can work through it. open and honest communication is the most important part. counseling should help if you are diligent with it.
No sexual drive, ever! Help! 
Re: No sexual drive, ever! Help! 
