Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My H and I have been through alot in our off and on 12 yr relationship. There was a lot of infidelity on his end and some, eventually, on mine during a seperation. Recently, within the last 4 years, we have been trying to work on things, but it seems that perhaps it's a little too late. He is very sexually frustrated, as am I. He wants to do it all the time, I want it to be more exciting. He has completely stopped trying to be intimate with me, and most of the time I don't really care. Recently I just found out I am pregnant with our third child, and am not very happy about it. But now I seem to need intimacy more than ever. I don't want to have sex, perse, but, just feeling close to him would be nice. He doesn't even come to bed w/me anymore, saying that he cant' sleep unless he's watching TV and I can't sleep when the TV is on. I feel like he doesn't desire me, and I feel like I am no longer sexy. Especially with me being pregnant, I am feeling fat and ugly. And if we talk about these things we just get into a fight, so we avoid the subject all together... I feel like we're roommates with occassional benefits... and the "benefits" aren't even that great! I need some perspective other than my own on how to deal w/this!
It sounds like he just needs "white noise" to get to sleep. Can't you compromise on a fan, music, or something else that will help him get to sleep but not bother you, in an effort to at least sleep in the same bed?
Big Toe: I suggested that but he says he needs the stimulation of the TV to occupy his mind. He has many issues... most of which he is trying to work, ie... has been sober for 7 months, has stopped cheating and going out all the time, so it seems that TV is his distraction, the thing that keeps his mind off of his vices.
Anx: I've tried writing him emails and setting up special "dates" with surprises and all, but it always feels so awkward, like niether one of us knows what we're supposed to be doing anymore. We're going to counseling through my job and all the counselor keeps saying is, "i can truly see you guys love eachother but your communcation is mucked up, focus on the love." I'm so annoyed by the whole thing, and my "free" sessions through my work are almost up...
The love I have for him I cannot deny, but the desire is gone, the passion, the being "in love" is gone. I don't know how to get it back... and lately I feel like I don't have the energy to keep up with it anymore. For so many years I have carried the burden of our problems, and I just can't do it anymore.
He is resentful and you are losing each other. I would give him the same advice but since you are the one asking here it is.
If you want things to change then change things. React differently than you normally would. Do things differently then you normally would. Make it happen.
For some hands on advice to counter your specific example do this:
Tonight, go out to the living room where he is in front of the TV, kiss him passionatly while you undue his pants. Start giving him oral and tease him. Then walk back into the bedroom and tell him to come to bed with you for the night. When he gets there, and he will get there, tell him he is not leaving the bed for the rest of the night. Have your way with him.
If he comes to bed the next night with you on his own accord make it worth his while.
As I said - if you want things to change then quit doing everything the same as you have been. You need to shake things up and break the cycle. Do something like this right out of the blue. You'll both stun him and possibly start a new trend and jumpstart your relationship a different way.
If your going to reply that you don't want that kind of intimacy and you want him to give you the what you want first etc etc etc then you will continue to be in this stalemate. Make the first move, make it happen.
No Desire 
