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post #136 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I agree. "wooing" doesn't stop on your wedding day. Many men forget this fact at their own peril.
I've said numerous times for her to get a sitter, let's do something this weekend. We only have two baby sitters that we use, the is away at college and the other one has a second job that she works. I have been pressuring her to find another baby sitter these past couple days because that always seems like the excuse.

I'm going to plan something for this weekend since my father-in-law will be here, it will just have to be after the younger two are in bed.......
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post #137 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:32 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I've said numerous times for her to get a sitter, let's do something this weekend. We only have two baby sitters that we use, the is away at college and the other one has a second job that she works. I have been pressuring her to find another baby sitter these past couple days because that always seems like the excuse.

I'm going to plan something for this weekend since my father-in-law will be here, it will just have to be after the younger two are in bed.......
find a sitter on your own
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post #138 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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find a sitter on your own
Posted an ad looking for a sitter, we will see how this goes.
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post #139 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Posted an ad looking for a sitter, we will see how this goes.
grandparents, aunts/uncles, swap sitter responsibilities with another couple w/kid(s) are all things I did in the past.
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post #140 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Assuming your wife is on Facebook, she could post this need and is likely to get good responses for reliable babysitters.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #141 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 10:41 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

You have to arrange the alone time. Not becuase it's fair, but becuase it's more important to you then to her.

But I think if she does not really believe that her marriage is a priority then you can get all the sitters you want and spend all the time you want, it won't solve it.
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post #142 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Go to CARE.com to find a sitter in your area.
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post #143 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 10:48 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Maybe I can add a little different point of view....

You are gone all week and only home on weekends, correct? She is used to being completely independent. She cannot rely on you to help out with the kids. She had gradually lost her connection with you. I haven't read the whole thread but you threw out the I'll quit and then she said she would work... Self-protection....

It has been a month since we had sex... He mentioned being interested Friday... I was sick, sort of... I made it worse than it really was and hid from him all weekend on the excuse that I felt bad. I don't know how to get close... How do I let him in?? He will only abandon me again... I will start to hope that it will be different, that I can give him my heart... then he will be gone again. ( That is me not your wife.)

I would definitely feel this way if I only saw you on weekends... How do I let myself get close? How do I break down those walls, even a little bit and then you are gone again. I have to take care of myself, protect myself at all costs... If I admit I need you, then I would no longer be able to cope during the week. It is just easier to pretend not to care.

Just a few thoughts about how your wife may be feeling.
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post #144 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

ZDog, its entirely predictable that your wife was going to push back at the idea of you now returning home- please try to not take it personally. I noted it in an earlier post- as hard as it is for her when you're not there, it's probably easier emotionally for her to be in her own. This is how it goes sometimes.

I agree with the other posters that your current lifestyle could work if your wife were truly on-board and willing to work as a team. I'll bet if you were to ask her, she would say that she IS on-board and IS a team player. I'll bet she feels like she is holding up her end if the deal (and then some!)

For the couples who don't survive a traveling job, the spouses develop independent lives when they are apart. Your wife has a life almost completely separate from you, the vast majority of her waking hours. It's hard, but she has it worked out. This is why I think that it's less comfortable for her when you're there.

The couples who make it work are able to stay connected. I am glad @jld came on to give some of her thoughts (thanks jld!)

It is very clear that your wife has emotionally detached from you. She isn't interested in spending time with you, even for her "time off" (going to SC). She is probably one of the people who need to be around their partner in order to feel connected. Skype is not a workable solution for people like this- and IMO, that's the majority of people. She is still getting up every morning and she is responsible for everything except making money. She is the immediate problem-solver, the daily architect, the person who does all the hands-on care and all that entails on a day-to-day basis. She is on her own.

She has found a way to do her job, to pull her weight, without you at home. She can't rely on you to help her simply because you're not there. So she doesn't rely on you. But that means, she doesn't rely on you, you see? She can't afford to need you, simply because you're not home. But this means, she doesn't need you. She has her own independent life, which she can handle just fine on her own. You make the money, she does everything else. You do your part, she does hers, but you do them independently. She has closed herself off from you.

Skype and phone calls don't help the spouse who wakes up and goes to bed alone, who lacks daily hugs, kisses, intimate conversation in the kitchen, who can cover the kids for a moment while s/he takes a shower, runs out for an errand, etc. This is the "daily bread" so to speak that nourishes most marriages. Emotional needs can be met on a daily basis when both people are home.

It is true of course that she might have closed herself off to you even if you had always worked at home. But I am not sure that's at all relevant. You're here now, and the fact is that a sh!t-ton of couples end up where you are, when one spouse travels very heavily for work.

I don't think that it's your fault that your marriage is at a low point. I think you both went forward thinking that it was the best path for your family.

My recommendation, for what it's worth, is to go do some reading here, about the three states of marriage: Three States of Mind in Marriage

From your posts, it looks to me like your wife is in withdrawal. This is a dangerous place, because there is low or no conflict going on when one of the spouses are in withdrawal. They've just given up on being able to rely on their partner emotionally. They start getting fiesty again when their partner starts to meet emotional needs- it drags the withdrawn one into conflict. The withdrawn spouse will fight back, s/he is angry that the other spouse is screwing with their "safe" withdrawn status (and says things like, "you can't handle these kids! You can come home, but I'm getting a night shift job. And btw I'm using your air points so I can get my down time without you in it!") But, it is very, very difficult to resist getting ones emotional needs met. This is the conflict- anger, but reluctantly, eventually, they go with it and then, they find themselves back into intimacy.

If you can get your wife back into intimacy while you maintain your travel job, then you will have solved your problem and kudos! Please share it, because I'd love to have the knowledge to share with the people who struggle with the same problem in my work. But I think your best bet is to get home. I thinks it's the best thing for your marriage, and pragmatically speaking, it's probably best if you divorce. You'd be a able to get meaningful custody and your wife would already be working. You can always find a traveling job, it's there if you wanted to go back. Can't say the same for your marriage though.

"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.
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post #145 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

ZDog is your wife a perfectionist? When you do things to help out or when you take care of the kids is she critical of the way you do things? I am asking because you said you helped with the laundry but you are not allowed to fold the clothes cause you do it wrong. Also you sound a leary of making plans for the weekend, and rely on your wife to do it.

Another common thread I see in too many marriages. One spouse doesn't do things the "right" way, according to the other spouse, and gets criticized for doing things "wrong". It does not take long for the spouse who gets criticized to stop trying to do things. Then they get accused if not helping or carrying their load. It sounds kind of like your wife likes to have control over things and pretty much wants to tell you what to do and how to do it

Is this an issue in your marriage? If you line up a sitter and plan a date - will your wife go and have a good time, or will she whine and or complain about it?
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post #146 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:22 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

It takes two in a marriage to resolve issues. One person working their side won't fix this.
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post #147 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
We had a talk today and I mentioned that I was going to be looking for a job at home and asked her where she would get a job. She said she would probably get something working over nights so we could save on day care. She also said that she didn't think I could handle being at home all time.
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Is this not a red flag to you Zdog ?

Either she's completely checked out or she has another man lurking in the picture. Get into detective mode. She is neither acting competently or respectfully at this point.


I am sure I will get some criticism for insinuating possible infidelity but I don't care. In your case, you MUST look into all possible scenarios for her behavior. Not everything is infidelity but not everything is not. It could also be that she has checked out. My concern wouldn't be the 'checking out' as much as why she isn't 'checking back in' with the Dad of the children and the owner of your joint venture and a guy who works hard to support his family.

And do not accept for one second that you must act unilaterally here either. Marc is right, it takes two to tango. You can make the effort to fix it but it won't work if she doesn't care.

Last edited by wmn1; 02-08-2016 at 11:42 AM.
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post #148 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:48 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Financial facts.

Alimony is not normally permanent.

Child support will be for your children only not hers from a previous marriage unless you adopted.

She will have to work outside the home.

Both of your standards of living will drop.
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post #149 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:52 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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ZDog, its entirely predictable that your wife was going to push back at the idea of you now returning home- please try to not take it personally. I noted it in an earlier post- as hard as it is for her when you're not there, it's probably easier emotionally for her to be in her own. This is how it goes sometimes.

I agree with the other posters that your current lifestyle could work if your wife were truly on-board and willing to work as a team. I'll bet if you were to ask her, she would say that she IS on-board and IS a team player. I'll bet she feels like she is holding up her end if the deal (and then some!)

For the couples who don't survive a traveling job, the spouses develop independent lives when they are apart. Your wife has a life almost completely separate from you, the vast majority of her waking hours. It's hard, but she has it worked out. This is why I think that it's less comfortable for her when you're there.

The couples who make it work are able to stay connected. I am glad @jld came on to give some of her thoughts (thanks jld!)

It is very clear that your wife has emotionally detached from you. She isn't interested in spending time with you, even for her "time off" (going to SC). She is probably one of the people who need to be around their partner in order to feel connected. Skype is not a workable solution for people like this- and IMO, that's the majority of people. She is still getting up every morning and she is responsible for everything except making money. She is the immediate problem-solver, the daily architect, the person who does all the hands-on care and all that entails on a day-to-day basis. She is on her own.

She has found a way to do her job, to pull her weight, without you at home. She can't rely on you to help her simply because you're not there. So she doesn't rely on you. But that means, she doesn't rely on you, you see? She can't afford to need you, simply because you're not home. But this means, she doesn't need you. She has her own independent life, which she can handle just fine on her own. You make the money, she does everything else. You do your part, she does hers, but you do them independently. She has closed herself off from you.

Skype and phone calls don't help the spouse who wakes up and goes to bed alone, who lacks daily hugs, kisses, intimate conversation in the kitchen, who can cover the kids for a moment while s/he takes a shower, runs out for an errand, etc. This is the "daily bread" so to speak that nourishes most marriages. Emotional needs can be met on a daily basis when both people are home.

It is true of course that she might have closed herself off to you even if you had always worked at home. But I am not sure that's at all relevant. You're here now, and the fact is that a sh!t-ton of couples end up where you are, when one spouse travels very heavily for work.

I don't think that it's your fault that your marriage is at a low point. I think you both went forward thinking that it was the best path for your family.

My recommendation, for what it's worth, is to go do some reading here, about the three states of marriage: Three States of Mind in Marriage

From your posts, it looks to me like your wife is in withdrawal. This is a dangerous place, because there is low or no conflict going on when one of the spouses are in withdrawal. They've just given up on being able to rely on their partner emotionally. They start getting fiesty again when their partner starts to meet emotional needs- it drags the withdrawn one into conflict. The withdrawn spouse will fight back, s/he is angry that the other spouse is screwing with their "safe" withdrawn status (and says things like, "you can't handle these kids! You can come home, but I'm getting a night shift job. And btw I'm using your air points so I can get my down time without you in it!") But, it is very, very difficult to resist getting ones emotional needs met. This is the conflict- anger, but reluctantly, eventually, they go with it and then, they find themselves back into intimacy.

If you can get your wife back into intimacy while you maintain your travel job, then you will have solved your problem and kudos! Please share it, because I'd love to have the knowledge to share with the people who struggle with the same problem in my work. But I think your best bet is to get home. I thinks it's the best thing for your marriage, and pragmatically speaking, it's probably best if you divorce. You'd be a able to get meaningful custody and your wife would already be working. You can always find a traveling job, it's there if you wanted to go back. Can't say the same for your marriage though.
I agree with most of this. (although I am not sure what the divorce comment is about).

I personally think it will be very hard to get your wife to reinvest herself in having a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the reasons she stopped investing (coping mechanism, too painful, resentment issued - whatever), the fact is she does not seem too interested in reconnecting with you right now. That fact is hard to get around cause you can't fix things if she doesn't want it fixed or isn't willing to do her part. She has gotten comfortable with the status quo.

Finding a different job, while it may help, may not be possible or may take some time. And if you do find a new job, it will still take time and a lot of effort to reconnect and that still will take both of you trying. If she is not on board, then no change will happen, no matter what you change.

So where does this leave you Zdog? In my view, it leaves you in a bad marriage unless you can get your wife on board to make some changes and to make an effort to reconnect. Keep trying, it may just be a matter of you having lots of patience and to be willing to accept what she can give you for awhile, or it may take some drastic measures on your part to make her see she may lose the marriage if she doesn't work on fixing it. That should be your last resort though, IMO.

You may want to look into marriage counseling. Look for a counselor that has worked with a lot of couples dealing with long distance relationships, to see if you can get some professional help with finding ways to reconnect and then staying connected.

Good Luck! I really hope you and your wife find ways to make your marriage a good one for the both of you.

Last edited by mary35; 02-08-2016 at 12:05 PM.
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post #150 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I agree with most of this. (although I am not sure what the divorce comment is about).

I personally think it will be very hard to get your wife to reinvest herself in having a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the reasons she stopped investing (coping mechanism, too painful, resentment issued - whatever), the fact is she does not seem too interested in reconnecting with you right now. That fact is hard to get around cause you can't fix things if she doesn't want it fixed or isn't willing to do her part. She has gotten comfortable with the status quo.

Finding a different job, while it may help, may not be possible or may take some time. And if you do find a new job, it will still take time and a lot of effort to reconnect and that still will take both of you trying. If she is not on board, then no change will happen, no matter what you change.

So where does this leave you Zdog? In my view, it leaves you in a bad marriage unless you can get your wife on board to make some changes and to make an effort to reconnect. Keep trying, it may just be a matter of you having lots of patience and to be willing to accept what she can give you for awhile, or it may take some drastic measures on your part to make her see she may lose the marriage if she doesn't work on fixing it. That should be your last resort though, IMO.

You may want to look into marriage counseling. Look for a counselor that has worked with a lot of couples dealing with long distance relationships, to see if you can get some professional help with finding ways to reconnect and then staying connected.

Good Luck! I really hope you and your wife find ways to make your marriage a good one for the both of you.
We had a talk again later today. She mentioned that she does went to spend more time together it is that we are usually busy on the weekends. The financial cost is always a concern to . I told her we would work through that part.

I will admit she is a perfectionist when it comes to the kids. She wants someone that has all their clearances and who knows what els . She did start asking her friends who they would recommend though. I said that we could start small for date nights and have a big one every now and then.

I did briefly mention the intimacy issue. I've discussed it in another thread that she still feels physically uncomfortable. I said that is something we could work through as well.
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