Wife feels "touched out" - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 06:04 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Maybe your wife coped just fine when she only had one child to deal with, and had tons of energy for sex, but found life more difficult with two children and really, really difficult with three children when she's functioning as a single parent all week.

Being home alone with one child during the week is obviously much different than being home alone with three children during the week (especially with a toddler and a still-nursing baby). I'm not at all surprised she's "touched out".
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post #47 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 07:25 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

OP, I'm going to apologize in advance with this post. However, I think it needs to be stated.

How in the hell can you be so daft that you cannot comprehend that your wife is no longer attracted to you sexually because you travel so much for your job - where she is left to watch 3 young children, take care of the house and not have any adult at the home on most days to have an intelligent conversation with?
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post #48 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 07:54 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I must have missed something, did he say that?
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post #49 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 08:07 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

OP take this from a guy 37 years married

When our four children 8 years between the oldest and the youngest were very young, I may as well been gone 5 days a week as you are at times.

My wife handled that and never said a word about dissatisfaction.However I could feel the resentment there.

So I have a feel for what your wife is experiencing.

Take the short term financial hit change jobs and save your marriage.Get your wife out of the house and she can work part time.Not only will this supplement your lost income, it will be therapeutic.

Oh and dude you got some learning to do with massages
Never let it lead to sex.....That's just a slick move that wouldn't fool an 8th grade middle school girl.

Just a covert act looking for reciprocity. Get it ?

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post #50 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'd suggest that him being fine with being away from his wife and kids 5 days a week suggests it's own issues. Nobody who's that invested in the family would be ok with that. There's nothing to suggest he's even considered looking for a job that allows him to be home. I'd suspect a woman working away from home like this would tagged a selfish wife and mother. How does one maintain an intimate relationship when they're hardly ever together?

If he was getting sex he'd apparently be fine with being away most of the time. That's why he's here right? What does that tell you?

I agree the marriage is in trouble.
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I never said I was fine with being away five days a week. I do what I have to for supporting my family. This job was a 25% pay increase from my old job which had me away from home even more. Also, I never said it was just about the sex. I agree that a quickie has a time and place, but I prefer something more in depth. That's why this concerns me.
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post #51 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 08:35 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I never said I was fine with being away five days a week. I do what I have to for supporting my family. This job was a 25% pay increase from my old job which had me away from home even more. Also, I never said it was just about the sex. I agree that a quickie has a time and place, but I prefer something more in depth. That's why this concerns me.
But you're not going to get that from an exhausted wife you rarely see.
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post #52 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 08:40 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I never said I was fine with being away five days a week. I do what I have to for supporting my family. This job was a 25% pay increase from my old job which had me away from home even more. Also, I never said it was just about the sex. I agree that a quickie has a time and place, but I prefer something more in depth. That's why this concerns me.
You gotta dig deeper than that Skippy

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post #53 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 08:51 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Seven years ago we were in a very similar position. We had a 3.5 year old (who didn't sleep through the night very often, and was up for the day before 5am) and a nearly 1 year old who breastfed throughout the day and night. My husband worked away M-F. I used the phrase "touched out" more than once, and it was true, I felt like I was being pulled at all day. But mostly I was resentful and angry. And exhausted ... really, really exhausted.

I was resentful that he'd get to sleep through the night, stay in a nice, clean, QUIET hotel room, have meals brought to him, interact with adults without being interrupted by children/babies constantly, have time to take an entire shower without someone needing something urgently. So, so resentful.

Meanwhile, he was stressed (job-related), he missed us, he had nothing to do in the town he stayed in so he got into the habit of working, constantly, until late at night, which made it harder for him to switch off from work-mode when he was home.

He'd come home on weekends, I felt he just dumped his washing and basically behave like he was still staying in a hotel (I can see in retrospect this wasn't accurate but at the time that's how it felt).

Our communication during the week while he was away lessened over time which made our general connection with each other lessen. It was horrible, easily the worst time in our marriage.

In the end, I weaned the baby (I desperately needed more sleep and she was eating well on solids by then anyway) and that particular client job ended so he wasn't traveling as much. Even so, after this it took a LONG time for us to get back on track.

I don't necessarily think your situation will reflect mine apart from the obvious similarities but I will say this. A lot of posts on this (apparently pro-marriage) website seem to set relationships up like a battle: don't apologise, don't give something unless you get what you want first, treat them a particular way to get them to do what you want. In my experience, a marriage like that is not a good marriage. I think you both need to be on the same page and wanting the same thing and working for it together (I know this isn't easy).

Do you have an end-point for the travel? Would it be worth moving your family nearer your job? What does your wife see as a solution? Is her solution realistic? Is there a compromise?

I do wish you well, and hope you can both work together to feel more connected and happier in your marriage.
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post #54 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 08:58 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I understand how she feels. When I had a breast feeding baby and a toddler, I felt like a milk filling station, human tree, and household drudge. No romantic spontaneous hugs and kisses during this period. It passed when the children were not as needy.

This is a phase for her and you. You are not doing anything wrong. You are supporting the family and I assume that the travel , more money and 3 children was something you both wanted. It is hard to predict how well your wife and yourself would handle the work schedule and 3 children. If this is difficult, it's up to you and your wife to decide what should be changed. It's important to make decisions fir change together just like you both made the decision about work and children.

Maybe you can talk about plans for the future. How long do you see yourself traveling away from home, do you think taking a job closer to home and living more frugally is better for your marriage and children.

I am not sure how much longer your marriage will survive under the current circumstances. Can you see this arrangement working long term? Does your wife plan to go to work when the children are older? Any relatives around?
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post #55 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

She has said she would go back to work when the kids are older, it's financially not worth it with the cost of day care. There is not really an option to move closer to work, I travel all over the US for work. The baby is eating solids, he is only nursing at certain times now, mainly morning and before bed.
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post #56 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 11:08 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'd suggest that him being fine with being away from his wife and kids 5 days a week suggests it's own issues. Nobody who's that invested in the family would be ok with that. There's nothing to suggest he's even considered looking for a job that allows him to be home.
Not quite true. He did say early on in the thread that the jobs which require less travel paid less, which was a problem since she was a SAHM. So he obviously has thought about changing jobs.

Z-Dog: Not withstanding what I wrote above, I'm not seeing that you have explored every option here. I have a couple of thoughts:

First, your wife must be part of the solution. I understand her being touched out and unresponsive to you, but she cannot torpedo every suggestion you offer.

Does she really have so few skills that she cannot earn enough to pay for daycare? Or is it that she would not have enough left to make it "worth her time"? Or how about if she worked a couple of night shifts so that day care would not be an issue?

Two, have you really looked hard at your budget? Cut out all extras (cable TV, organized sports for the kids)?

Where do you live? It seems that if you travel the U.S., you could live fairly cheaply and the only requirement is that you are close to an airport.

Just making the point that you need to really think outside the box and make some unpopular choices perhaps to keep this marriage on track.
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post #57 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 11:28 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
How in the hell can you be so daft that you cannot comprehend that your wife is no longer attracted to you sexually because you travel so much for your job - where she is left to watch 3 young children, take care of the house and not have any adult at the home on most days to have an intelligent conversation with?
Ouch, unfair and uncalled for.

I think he does know what's happening but does not know how to fix it. Not sure why you are tearing him down like that.

I prefer to start by noting that in today's economy, taking care of a family of five on a single income is an accomplishment. I have a sense that maybe his wife is unhappy but does not want to switch up her routine to help resolve their issues.

He works plenty hard. Maybe we should be more uplifting.
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post #58 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 12:10 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
I never said I was fine with being away five days a week. I do what I have to for supporting my family. This job was a 25% pay increase from my old job which had me away from home even more. Also, I never said it was just about the sex. I agree that a quickie has a time and place, but I prefer something more in depth. That's why this concerns me.
Have you talked with your wife about your job, the travel, and the effect it's having on your marriage? I don't mean just the sex, that's only one symptom of how disconnected you two are as a couple. Tell her you're worried that your marriage is in trouble because you're away so much, and you'd like to be home more. Tell her that you're worried about her trying to manage 3 kids on her own so often. Ask her what she thinks about you taking a lower paying job so you can spend more time with her AND your children.

You are a team, so act like she is on your team. Talk with her about the problems and discuss possible solutions together.

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post #59 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 05:39 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

My wife could never produce enough milk to nurse, so we went the formula route. Anyways, as soon as the baby hits 12 months old, we switched to whole cows milk for all 3 kids. They took to it very well and that was that. If your baby is at least 1 year old, there is no reason why he/she has to nurse.
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post #60 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 06:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Have you talked with your wife about your job, the travel, and the effect it's having on your marriage? I don't mean just the sex, that's only one symptom of how disconnected you two are as a couple. Tell her you're worried that your marriage is in trouble because you're away so much, and you'd like to be home more. Tell her that you're worried about her trying to manage 3 kids on her own so often. Ask her what she thinks about you taking a lower paying job so you can spend more time with her AND your children.

You are a team, so act like she is on your team. Talk with her about the problems and discuss possible solutions together.
We were able to talk for some time last night and came to the agreement that we need to have a "date" night at least once a month. I've also started reading the Five Love Languages book. We are slowly working through it. Thanks for all the help so far.
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