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post #61 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 06:09 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Chana View Post
Seven years ago we were in a very similar position. We had a 3.5 year old (who didn't sleep through the night very often, and was up for the day before 5am) and a nearly 1 year old who breastfed throughout the day and night. My husband worked away M-F. I used the phrase "touched out" more than once, and it was true, I felt like I was being pulled at all day. But mostly I was resentful and angry. And exhausted ... really, really exhausted.

I was resentful that he'd get to sleep through the night, stay in a nice, clean, QUIET hotel room, have meals brought to him, interact with adults without being interrupted by children/babies constantly, have time to take an entire shower without someone needing something urgently. So, so resentful.
^^^I guess this is where your wife is at.
25% extra sounds great, but at the expense of your marriage and your kids?
Maybe you are happy being at arm's length from the real nitty gritty of parenting, some men are. I guess some men are perfectly happy working away M-F, at least they get a good nights sleep whilst the SAHM is run ragged.
However you cannot expect to stay away and return at the weekends and act like the prodigal son.

You have to have to have heart to heart discussions with your wife here and iron all this out.
Leave sex out of it, you will come across as whiny and selfish - she is at the end of her tether and you just want sex?! - She will close you down and you will get nowhere. You need to get to the bottom of the resentment and sort that out first, once you are both on the same page and she becomes reconnected to you, the sex will come back.
If you don't sort this out right, the minute she goes back to work, some very understanding co worker will be very happy to take your place in her affections.
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post #62 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 06:12 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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We were able to talk for some time last night and came to the agreement that we need to have a "date" night at least once a month. I've also started reading the Five Love Languages book. We are slowly working through it. Thanks for all the help so far.
Has she read the book? Does she know what her love language is?

Side note: I highly doubt that nursing twice a day is the problem here. Or really nursing at all....it's just having 3 kids all alone most of the time.
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post #63 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 11:11 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I remember those days of feeling touched out. Sometimes I just wanted to be left alone for a while.

I think this mom needs a babysitter to come in once a week so she can do her shopping alone, rather than on the weekends. She also needs to get involved in some ladies groups during the day, so she has some relief and her children can play with other children.

Some people put a high priority on nursing. My husband and I did. I believe in extended breastfeeding due to many factors. In our American culture, not many people do that or understand it, but some people (myself included) feel strongly about the benefits for the children. For my husband and I it was a non-negotiable.

It wasn't just breastfeeding that made me feel touched out, however. It was having three little children that wanted to be on me all day long. They were all high in physical touch and I had to nurture them, so I gave them what they needed.

The question is, "what does she need?" As others have stated, he needs are clearly not being met. Finding out what her needs are and how to meet them is important.

Husband and wife are supposed to be raising the children together, but if you are not there to participate, except on weekends, it is all left to her. On the weekends she finally has your contribution, but there is nothing left in her to give to you. All she does is give. You "giving" her a massage is clearly not what she needs, especially since you are giving to get. To her it may just be another chore. You are not connecting with her. Your wife is headed for burnout if something isn't done to ease the situation for her and give her a chance to have some time for herself and get her needs met.

The weekends should not be all about chores. It should be for quality family time and quality marriage time as well. You should get a babysitter at least once per month.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html

Last edited by CynthiaDe; 08-11-2015 at 12:42 PM.
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post #64 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 11:57 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you are going to continue with your schedule being out of town most of the time, some changes must be made.
Your wife needs:
Time to herself during the week, even if it's only for grocery shopping.
Time with other adults during the week where the children are playing with other children.
To see that her husband is engaged with the family and contributing to the care of the home and children, beyond only financial.
To be cared for, rather than doing all the giving and not receiving anything. She may feel like a servant with none of her needs being considered.

I outlined some options to help with this in my post above.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #65 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 12:30 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
The weekends should not be for chores. It should be for quality family time and quality marriage time. You should get a babysitter at least once per month.
Easier said than done for many families out there. Even with both parents at home on most nights, this isn't always doable and particularly not so as the kids get older and are in activities. However, our family have a decent way to skin that cat. We do the chores together as a family. My wife and I will tackle home repairs together. While there are things that only I can do, in most cases we work together. We washed all the windows inside and out together. It took 4 hours, but in the afternoon we laid on the bed together and had some passionate sex after the chores were done. Also we'll cook together, rip up carpet together, and do yard work together. She'll clean during the day while I'm working, so most cleaning is done during the week. Kids are forced to do chores regularly too.

Does this sound tedious? Absolutely. But...it's a simple way to actually spend time together. Even when we work together, my wife and I will still talk about various things. When you can take a chore and find a way to have some quality time with your spouse, it goes far to making the marriage stronger AND less resentment developing on either side.
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post #66 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 12:42 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
Easier said than done for many families out there. Even with both parents at home on most nights, this isn't always doable and particularly not so as the kids get older and are in activities. However, our family have a decent way to skin that cat. We do the chores together as a family. My wife and I will tackle home repairs together. While there are things that only I can do, in most cases we work together. We washed all the windows inside and out together. It took 4 hours, but in the afternoon we laid on the bed together and had some passionate sex after the chores were done. Also we'll cook together, rip up carpet together, and do yard work together. She'll clean during the day while I'm working, so most cleaning is done during the week. Kids are forced to do chores regularly too.

Does this sound tedious? Absolutely. But...it's a simple way to actually spend time together. Even when we work together, my wife and I will still talk about various things. When you can take a chore and find a way to have some quality time with your spouse, it goes far to making the marriage stronger AND less resentment developing on either side.
That makes sense. I will edit it to say that it shouldn't only be about chores. There has to be time for fun. I do agree that working together is good and that she would likely feel much more supported if they are working together on projects.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #67 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-11-2015, 06:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you are going to continue with your schedule being out of town most of the time, some changes must be made.
Your wife needs:
Time to herself during the week, even if it's only for grocery shopping.
Time with other adults during the week where the children are playing with other children.
To see that her husband is engaged with the family and contributing to the care of the home and children, beyond only financial.
To be cared for, rather than doing all the giving and not receiving anything. She may feel like a servant with none of her needs being considered.

I outlined some options to help with this in my post above.
She is able to go grocery shopping by herself, it's usually Sunday nights after the baby is in bed. I am able to get the other two in bed by the time she gets back. She usually does PTO during the week, although the kids are sometimes along for that.

Also, I am engaged with the family. I helped coach his baseball team two years in a row, I'm trying to teach the three year old how to ride a bike.
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post #68 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 10:07 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
She is able to go grocery shopping by herself, it's usually Sunday nights after the baby is in bed. I am able to get the other two in bed by the time she gets back. She usually does PTO during the week, although the kids are sometimes along for that.

Also, I am engaged with the family. I helped coach his baseball team two years in a row, I'm trying to teach the three year old how to ride a bike.
That's not my point. She should be able to shop alone during the week, while you are gone. When you are home, you two should be together.
Also, grocery shopping at night, while the baby is in bed should be her downtime, not her shopping time.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #69 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 11:27 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
Easier said than done for many families out there. Even with both parents at home on most nights, this isn't always doable and particularly not so as the kids get older and are in activities.
Depends on the family's priorities. Some families prioritize the kids' activities over the parents' relationship. Some families realize that if the parents are unhappy about their marriage, good chance the kids are in trouble no matter how many spelling bees or soccer games they play. The question is whether the parents (and especially mothers) realize that expending 100% of her available time and energy on kids and 0% on herself, her husband and their marriage is NOT what is best for the kids. Saving some time and energy for herself, her husband and their marriage is BETTER, even if that means that the kids are "deprived" of some of her available time and energy. Sometimes less is more.

If both parents agree with 100% priority on kids, and both are happy, great. But if one is not happy, their is no moral superiority from insisting "but I am doing it for the kids". Not because it is wrong to value the kids. But because it is factually wrong to say that focusing on the kids to the exclusion of the marriage is in fact what is good for the kids.
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post #70 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 02:31 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
I remember those days of feeling touched out. Sometimes I just wanted to be left alone for a while.

I think this mom needs a babysitter to come in once a week so she can do her shopping alone, rather than on the weekends. She also needs to get involved in some ladies groups during the day, so she has some relief and her children can play with other children.

Some people put a high priority on nursing. My husband and I did. I believe in extended breastfeeding due to many factors. In our American culture, not many people do that or understand it, but some people (myself included) feel strongly about the benefits for the children. For my husband and I it was a non-negotiable.

It wasn't just breastfeeding that made me feel touched out, however. It was having three little children that wanted to be on me all day long. They were all high in physical touch and I had to nurture them, so I gave them what they needed.

The question is, "what does she need?" As others have stated, he needs are clearly not being met. Finding out what her needs are and how to meet them is important.

Husband and wife are supposed to be raising the children together, but if you are not there to participate, except on weekends, it is all left to her. On the weekends she finally has your contribution, but there is nothing left in her to give to you. All she does is give. You "giving" her a massage is clearly not what she needs, especially since you are giving to get. To her it may just be another chore. You are not connecting with her. Your wife is headed for burnout if something isn't done to ease the situation for her and give her a chance to have some time for herself and get her needs met.

The weekends should not be all about chores. It should be for quality family time and quality marriage time as well. You should get a babysitter at least once per month.
If nothing changes, I think a babysitter can help, but the best option would be for him to find a new job(even if it's less pay!) to be home more often. You can barely call it a marriage when you only see each other on the weekends. I would definitely feel "touched out", not from breastfeeding and I had breastfed my son until 18 months old, but from parenting alone without the help of my husband. There is just no connection and nothing to make up for that time physically together. I would definitely not be happy with that set up. Kids also need both of their parents around. My dad rarely traveled and even then it was tough on myself and my siblings. I still highly suggest looking for a new job where you don't have to travel so much. There are plenty of ways to make it work on a lower income.
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post #71 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 03:24 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

This wife is EXHAUSTED. She is a single mum during the week. On the weekends when H is home, she is trying to do everything, so that she does not have to do it during the week alone.

Mums out there you remember how difficult it was to take the kids grocery shopping with you. The fighting, the crying, chasing after one or the other. The kids picking up stuff you don't want them to eat. It is exhausting. Then you come home, kids are tired and hungry and you have groceries to sort and pack. I can understand why she does it by herself when her husband is home. It's quicker and easier on her.

Then, the whole PTO thing. My God, the schools always needs you for this or that. Then, you have to take the smaller ones with you. You made commitments you should not have. But some how got roped into it. She is being pulled all over the place. Oh yes, she can say no. But we mums always feel bad when you have not done enough to help your kids get a better education.

At home, the little ones are all over her. She is the only one there during the week for their every wants and needs. Then, she has housework, laundry, cooking and homework. I am getting exhausted thinking of all those things she has to do.

Daddy, she needs help. Your being involved on the weekends is not cutting it. On the weekend you guys have to create some time together. Just you two. Hire a sitter, dinner, dance, hotel room. Whatever it takes.

She is lonely. Tired. Resents you for leaving her all alone. You get to go outside and have all this freedom(in her eyes). You meet adults, you have conversations. Convos that does not have to do with children. You have no responsibilities. You are the visiting dad. Your being home, just adds more work for her. You want sex and touchy feelly stuff.

When all she wants is some peace and quite. No demands. No mummy, mummy. No, honey, you want some loving up?

You are not a bad man for having to work and provide for your family. You are a great provider and great care taker of your family. She appreciates all your handwork that you do to provide for her and the kids.

Your marriage needs more that a provider. Your wife needs the support of her husband and lover. You guys sit down and have a long talk about how to fix this. Be prepared for her being angry at you. She just need some help and you being around. Make it safe so that she can tell you how she feels, without you getting upset. Hear her out. Good luck.
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post #72 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 07:05 AM
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Wife feels "touched out"

Be an active listener.

Text her while on the road, demonstrating interest in life with the kids.

Don't initiate sex. At the same time make certain that you don't give off a sulky or needy vibe.

To achieve that you must find inner contentment that is not dependent on anyone else.

Plan surprises for the weekends. Have a babysitter set up so that you can take her to do new things.

Maybe she wants to get in shape? Can you run together? Go kayaking?
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post #73 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 07:13 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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This wife is EXHAUSTED. She is a single mum during the week. On the weekends when H is home, she is trying to do everything, so that she does not have to do it during the week alone.

Mums out there you remember how difficult it was to take the kids grocery shopping with you. The fighting, the crying, chasing after one or the other. The kids picking up stuff you don't want them to eat. It is exhausting. Then you come home, kids are tired and hungry and you have groceries to sort and pack. I can understand why she does it by herself when her husband is home. It's quicker and easier on her.

Then, the whole PTO thing. My God, the schools always needs you for this or that. Then, you have to take the smaller ones with you. You made commitments you should not have. But some how got roped into it. She is being pulled all over the place. Oh yes, she can say no. But we mums always feel bad when you have not done enough to help your kids get a better education.

At home, the little ones are all over her. She is the only one there during the week for their every wants and needs. Then, she has housework, laundry, cooking and homework. I am getting exhausted thinking of all those things she has to do.

Daddy, she needs help. Your being involved on the weekends is not cutting it. On the weekend you guys have to create some time together. Just you two. Hire a sitter, dinner, dance, hotel room. Whatever it takes.

She is lonely. Tired. Resents you for leaving her all alone. You get to go outside and have all this freedom(in her eyes). You meet adults, you have conversations. Convos that does not have to do with children. You have no responsibilities. You are the visiting dad. Your being home, just adds more work for her. You want sex and touchy feelly stuff.

When all she wants is some peace and quite. No demands. No mummy, mummy. No, honey, you want some loving up?

You are not a bad man for having to work and provide for your family. You are a great provider and great care taker of your family. She appreciates all your handwork that you do to provide for her and the kids.

Your marriage needs more that a provider. Your wife needs the support of her husband and lover. You guys sit down and have a long talk about how to fix this. Be prepared for her being angry at you. She just need some help and you being around. Make it safe so that she can tell you how she feels, without you getting upset. Hear her out. Good luck.
I agree with all of this, but I believe OP actually said she takes the kids on errands with her on the weekends when he's home (which makes no sense to me at all).
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post #74 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 12:54 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I agree with all of this, but I believe OP actually said she takes the kids on errands with her on the weekends when he's home (which makes no sense to me at all).
It makes sense to me. If she sees herself as their caregiver and him as a weekend visitor, she would automatically take them with her, especially if he doesn't have a close relationship with the kids. How would he? He is gone all week, then shows up on the weekends and she is still doing all the caregiving. It's a vicious circle that needs to be broken. Being gone all the time is hard on a family. I'm not saying it's the op's fault. This is what happens when someone travels most of the time.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #75 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 03:05 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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It makes sense to me. If she sees herself as their caregiver and him as a weekend visitor, she would automatically take them with her, especially if he doesn't have a close relationship with the kids. How would he? He is gone all week, then shows up on the weekends and she is still doing all the caregiving. It's a vicious circle that needs to be broken. Being gone all the time is hard on a family. I'm not saying it's the op's fault. This is what happens when someone travels most of the time.
I agree. He's not an integral part of the family unit, he's just some guy who pays bills and shows up on weekends wanting sex. That is the core issue in this marriage.

You can't have a marriage where you're separated most of the time. How often are people here told that they can't heal a marriage while separated? These two are basically separated. He needs to be home, even if it means less money or a part time job for her. Might be good for her to get out among adults anyway.
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