Wife feels "touched out" - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 2520Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 03:35 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,159
Wife feels "touched out"

So if the guy gets a local lower paying job he's a bum for not making more but if he wants better for his family and travels he's an a$$ because he's not pulling his weight at home?

Makes perfect sense.

That explains the threads about men not marrying etc.

Whose idea was to have 3 kids back to back? 100% the man's? 100% the woman's? Joint?
john117 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 05:53 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,253
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
So if the guy gets a local lower paying job he's a bum for not making more but if he wants better for his family and travels he's an a$$ because he's not pulling his weight at home?

Makes perfect sense.

That explains the threads about men not marrying etc.

Whose idea was to have 3 kids back to back? 100% the man's? 100% the woman's? Joint?
It's a difficult situation, but there are things that can be done to make it better than it is right now. My husband used to be out of town 3/4 of he time. We have 3 children. I was home with them all day and homeschooled them as well, so there was no break for me unless I consciously made it happen.
I made sure to get out of the house and spend time with other moms with small children or have them over to our house. We went on educational field trips. I made sure my needs were being met along with the rest of the family.
My husband has always been very involved with the children. He made sure to engage with them and connect with them when he was home. That helped a lot.
It wasn't an option for my husband to quit his job and find something different, but eventually his job changed and now he doesn't travel as much as he did. I really appreciate the hard work that my husband does to support our family financially and have always tried to be supportive of that while also keeping in mind that I cannot be everything to everyone without having my needs met as well. Many women fall into the trap of becoming a servant without taking into account their own needs. That can lead to disaster for the family. Husband and wife should work together to make sure their family is functioning as a connected family.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #78 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 06:04 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,359
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Don't recall anyone suggesting he'd be a bum if he took a lower paying job so be could be home.

That's you projecting.
Posted via Mobile Device
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #79 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 06:11 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,253
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Our family regularly traveled with my husband. During the non-peak travel season, he was able to get a suite so we could all stay together. I would bring a cooler and make our meals. The kids each had a box with their school work and we would do schooling during the day. When they were finished, they could play in the pool. They would play until their dad got in from work, then we would have family time. Those are some fun memories. We were blessed to be a homeschooling family, so we could take off during the week and not miss any educational time. This made a big difference in keeping us connected as a family.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #80 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 06:37 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,159
Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Don't recall anyone suggesting he'd be a bum if he took a lower paying job so be could be home.



That's you projecting.
Posted via Mobile Device

Lolz.

I turned down opportunities for much higher salaries not because I wanted to be a Nice Husband and take the girls to piano class but because as a card carrying Western European born and raised guy I refuse to work > 40 hours a week... No projections.

Having said this, there are ways around it all. The wife can move to the new city for example. Or use preschool and work part time.

The current wisdom is that the man should support the family as best as he can. If that means work in another city for a while so be it. Unless the kids are 1, 2, and 3 it's not too hard. I had kids 1 and 3 and worked part time and was a phd student full time, as was my wife. Since my area of study was "easier" than my wife's I did most of the child rearing duties along with part time child care.

Is it easy? No. But dealing with a 2 year old is peanuts compared to dealing with a teenager.
john117 is online now  
post #81 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 06:42 PM
Member
 
tom67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 10,667
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
So if the guy gets a local lower paying job he's a bum for not making more but if he wants better for his family and travels he's an a$$ because he's not pulling his weight at home?

Makes perfect sense.

That explains the threads about men not marrying etc.

Whose idea was to have 3 kids back to back? 100% the man's? 100% the woman's? Joint?
john117 has just taken the "red pill"
It's always the males fault.
The disposable male that is.
But I digress...
Conan is right also this m is in trouble.
tom67 is offline  
post #82 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 07:08 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,159
Wife feels "touched out"

It's not ANYONE'S fault. I'm sorry we are not in Europe to get a year of paternity leave paid but stuff happens. If said wife is stewing because she's stuck at home all she has to think is how little time she will have for stewing if she's a single mom.

The world is not ideal. Stuff happens. It's how you deal with it that matters. Their situation is hopefully short term. If the kids are in college by the time he gets around to look for a job near by yea, it's his fault but in general no.

The place I live isn't the best but it's got a lot of jobs. I've been in the same company for 30+ years while my wife has changed a dozen jobs. That's how it is. If you like to live in the prairie and enjoy nature etc jobs may not be there. It's a risk.
john117 is online now  
post #83 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 07:21 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,359
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

We all make sacrifices to balance work and family. My hb could probably make a lot more money if he took a traveling job but it would damage our marriage so he didn't. We work it out together.

If OP has addressed what they've done to try be able to be together more, like moving/rebudgeting for a closer job/wife getting a part time job to compensate for him being closer I've missed it. But I do know that the current situation is not working. .... he came on claiming that he's not getting the sex he wants, like that's the only issue.

You can't have everything, so if he's willing to accept that he's got a detached wife so he can make more money that's his decision. Nowhere has he said that she demands he keep this job for the money, unless I've missed that too.

If you're gone a lot you're not going to have a close bond with your spouse. It is what it is, it's a known issue in military communities of which I am a veteran.

As for whose fault it is? It really doesn't matter because he's the one asking for advice, not her, so many of is us are telling him that the distance isn't working.
Posted via Mobile Device
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #84 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-18-2015, 08:36 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 508
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
We all make sacrifices to balance work and family. My hb could probably make a lot more money if he took a traveling job but it would damage our marriage so he didn't. We work it out together.

If OP has addressed what they've done to try be able to be together more, like moving/rebudgeting for a closer job/wife getting a part time job to compensate for him being closer I've missed it. But I do know that the current situation is not working. .... he came on claiming that he's not getting the sex he wants, like that's the only issue.

You can't have everything, so if he's willing to accept that he's got a detached wife so he can make more money that's his decision. Nowhere has he said that she demands he keep this job for the money, unless I've missed that too.

If you're gone a lot you're not going to have a close bond with your spouse. It is what it is, it's a known issue in military communities of which I am a veteran.

As for whose fault it is? It really doesn't matter because he's the one asking for advice, not her, so many of is us are telling him that the distance isn't working.
Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry on the confusion. I should say I'm more concerned with the lack of intimacy. There is the holding hands, but not much else like the kissing and things like that.
ZDog377 is offline  
post #85 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-18-2015, 08:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 508
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Lolz.

I turned down opportunities for much higher salaries not because I wanted to be a Nice Husband and take the girls to piano class but because as a card carrying Western European born and raised guy I refuse to work > 40 hours a week... No projections.

Having said this, there are ways around it all. The wife can move to the new city for example. Or use preschool and work part time.

The current wisdom is that the man should support the family as best as he can. If that means work in another city for a while so be it. Unless the kids are 1, 2, and 3 it's not too hard. I had kids 1 and 3 and worked part time and was a phd student full time, as was my wife. Since my area of study was "easier" than my wife's I did most of the child rearing duties along with part time child care.

Is it easy? No. But dealing with a 2 year old is peanuts compared to dealing with a teenager.
There isn't really a move to the other city option. I'm in a different city every week. She has come with me a few times because the flight is free. She would use a daycare/work combo, but daycare is not cheap and right now we like the flexibility of her being home if one of the kids are sick or have a school function.
ZDog377 is offline  
post #86 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-18-2015, 09:45 PM
Member
 
Mrs.K's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 180
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

My husband doesn't travel for work but he works a lot and has a pretty good commute. Some days there is over time and that means he works both first and second shift. Sometimes both 2nd and 3rd, this happens very often.

From what the OP says I can sense he doesn't enjoy being away from his family. I don't understand why so many people are getting on him about trying to find a new job. Sure money isn't everything but when you have kids and you and your spouse have made the decision to have a parent stay at home and there are sacrifices that need to be made..

Maybe you guys could look into her getting a "mothers helper" as needed. I know I have a neighborhood girl come over and sit with my kids if I need to go to PTA or shop during the week and it would be easier to do so without kids. I also have her come if one of them have an activity so the other 2 don't have to come and be bored.

My husband and I have our issues that we are working on and none of them have to do with his work and have been going on for years, no matter what our issues though I have a deep appreciation of him working so hard to keep me at home with the kids and providing everything we need.
Mrs.K is offline  
post #87 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 508
Thumbs up Re: Wife feels "touched out"

We were finally able to have a good half hour talk this weekend. After understanding what she sees as her needs from me, I now have a game plan going forward for what I need to do.
ZDog377 is offline  
post #88 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 10:52 AM
Member
 
LongWalk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 11,200
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

If you fill all of her stated needs, what will happen?
LongWalk is offline  
post #89 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 01:06 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5,958
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
If you fill all of her stated needs, what will happen?
Nothing of course. I've seen this on here a hundred times. They say they need this or that, it's provided, then the goal post is moved. Expecting anything else is pretty naive.
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #90 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-26-2015, 12:06 AM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,253
Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
We were finally able to have a good half hour talk this weekend. After understanding what she sees as her needs from me, I now have a game plan going forward for what I need to do.
Can you give us more information, so we can understand what happened? What did she have to say?

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Remember when you were newlyweds and calling your new spouse "husband" or "wife"... Wildflower3 Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 06-11-2013 03:03 PM
Who still feels that "rush of love" when you see each other? DameEdna Long Term Success in Marriage 13 03-21-2010 11:46 AM
My wife says she "feels nothing" for me... MRA The Ladies' Lounge 11 09-30-2009 10:09 PM
"Foreplay feels forced" Not Me Oh Sex in Marriage 15 09-16-2009 08:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome