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post #91 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-27-2015, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Can you give us more information, so we can understand what happened? What did she have to say?
We agreed that things have been a little more crazy due to the third child and she also agreed that we need a date night once a month. She did say that doing things with the kids and helping out around the house were the things that "turned her on" most. She also said that she understands I have to travel for work and appreciates that me working allows her to participate in activities with the kids and stay home with them. I did let her know that I appreciated the physical and emotional things the most. It will definitely be a work in progress.
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post #92 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

So I've decided to provide an update to how things have been going over the past couple of months. We have been trying to spend more time together, but that has fallen to one of the lower priorities in the relationship. Spare time is filled with taking my oldest to practices or going to his games as a family. He finished playing fall baseball, went into basketball and then got picked to play on the traveling team for basketball. Basketball will go on for another month or so, there will be a small break and then both the my oldest and middle son will start to play baseball. She mentioned that she signed me up to help coach the three year old in t-ball.

I've brought up the Love Languages again and she laughed when she said one of mine was physical touch. She then added that her and I spending time together isn't at the top of her priority list. I was beyond frustrated at this point and explained that if spending time together didn't become a priority every now and then, we wouldn't be together much longer.

I've asked her to sit down and have a talk with me on where do we go from here. It's become really frustrating lately because I feel like I am the only one bothered by this. In the morning, we will both agree to talk later on then one of us falls asleep and nothing gets accomplished.
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post #93 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 06:36 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

She has shown you how important you are to her.

Yet you still want to talk more?

Talk less, do more.

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post #94 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 07:29 AM
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@zdog377, any luck finding a job with less travel? Being gone up to 260 days out of the year is not helping the situation.

I think you mentioned one date night a month. Considering you're potentially home about 8-10 days a month, I think this is good. Is the one date night still an occurrence?
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post #95 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 08:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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@zdog377, any luck finding a job with less travel? Being gone up to 260 days out of the year is not helping the situation.

I think you mentioned one date night a month. Considering you're potentially home about 8-10 days a month, I think this is good. Is the one date night still an occurrence?
No luck on a job with less travel. I was home for three weeks straight around Christmas. Since one of her love languages is acts of service, I took care of laundry those three weeks. I would carry the dirty down, wash it, and bring it back up for her to fold. I would have folded too, but I've been told I don't fold right. I helped out as much as I could those three weeks with other things too. Didn't seem to make a bit of difference.

The one date night a month is hit or miss. Sometimes we will have the neighbor girl come over once the older two are in bed and we go to Walmart together or something like that. I can't think of the last time we actually went to a dinner by ourselves.
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post #96 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 10:08 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I worked a huge amount of hours so my wife could be a SAHM. It was appreciated.

Tell her to get out and work for a living and you can take a lower paying job and be home all the time.

I bet that wouldn't fly either. It sounds to me like there isn't much you can do here.

It's all about her and you don't matter much. You're just a paycheck.
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post #97 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 10:26 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
She could be shopping and getting home improvement items when you aren't there. I understand your son wanting time with you.

For her to arrange errands the only days you are home is bad.

Your marriage is in pretty bad shape and you are in danger of having a WAW or a cheating one.

Something needs work yesterday. Often times men are the last to realize their marriage is over. Yours is probably close.

Reconnect with your wife. Your kids are important but your relationship with your wife is more so.

Make her a priority. Get that book and read it with her.

I bet her love languages are quality time and maybe acts of service.
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I agree with you Conan.

I find it disappointing that some here attack Zdog for being away so much. It's called 'work'. I have friends and family who are constantly gone for work and they maintain their relationships as well as can be expected.

My theory is this, if your stay at home spouse likes the $$ and success, then they need to accept the fact that their working spouse is gone a lot and need to suck it up and make the most or best use of their time with that person, not reject them. If they want them around more, enocourage them to get another job closer although the job market stinks and I am unsure how Mrs. Zdog would react if he took a job making only half as much as he does now just to come home ? She could flip her lid then.

If I got married to Simona Halep, Women's Tennis player, and I enjoyed the yacht, the new cars, and the financial security, I would be a freaking hypocrite to blame her for being gone for so long. I knew what I was marrying when I got into the relationship and I had input on her taking the job when she considered it, then that's on me.

What his wife is doing and how she is acting is on her.

I hate when someone steps out and cheats in situations like these because it is the ultimate in cake eating to me. She agreed to handle the kids while he works, she needs to svck it up and do that and cherish the time with him.

I agree Conan, this smells like the potential for a WW or cheating one or simply one who is burning out on tgaking care of the kids. It's not like the guy can quit his job, he may have some detective work to do. His wife needs to come clean with her feelings.

Zdog has no home. He is on the road for 5 days , then comes home to a chilly reception and now he's not 'a priority'. Not what I would call a good present for someone who makes the sacrifice he does. She makes sacrifices too but being the way she is is not reasonable.

He needs to find out what's going on and as you said Conan, like yesterday. He said they talked and he figured out her 'needs' (I hate that word btw). He has been trying and she hasn't changed.

So what are your thoughts and plans Zdog ?

Last edited by wmn1; 02-06-2016 at 10:34 AM.
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post #98 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 10:30 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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So if the guy gets a local lower paying job he's a bum for not making more but if he wants better for his family and travels he's an a$$ because he's not pulling his weight at home?

Makes perfect sense.

That explains the threads about men not marrying etc.

Whose idea was to have 3 kids back to back? 100% the man's? 100% the woman's? Joint?

this !!!
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post #99 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 10:51 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

You told your wife if this keeps up you won't be together much longer? That sounds like a teenager talking not a husband and Dad of 3. This situation is on both of you. You both decided to have 3 children. You aren't home most of the time. She is stressed out and is a single parent most of the time. I don't think your situation will improve until you are home more. She is probably resentful and isn't emotionally connected to you which is hard when you aren't there.
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post #100 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

OP, I am sorry to read your update.

I also work in a field that requires a lot of travel. I have moved up the chain so my travel is much more limited, only a few times per year and most of it is local. But, my direct reports are on the road Monday-Thurs/Fri and sometimes leave on Sundays.

The single young men and women usually do really well in the job. Young couples with no kids do ok sometimes- better when both are in traveling jobs.

There are some couples and families who do well when one spouse travels for work; the other is usually an At-Home parent. For whatever reason, they are both in complete agreement and support each other.

There are many, many couples and families who want to make it work, but it doesn't work. The unit falls apart. The at-home and the kids are the integrated family. The worker is an outsider, a benevolent supporter, and that's about it.

Not to be Captain Obvious, but it is clearly not working for your family. I agree with @lifeistooshort, you started off the thread saying that your marriage was awesome except for it being sexless. Many posters pointed out that your wife is drowning. It is not an awesome marriage for her. You are the benevolent supporter. She doesn't need you during the week- she might be barely treading water but she's doing it on her own-and she's not all that interested in you when you're home.

I would be surprised at this point if she agreed to having you home. It's probably more emotionally comfortable for her when you're away. I still think you need to talk with her, talk some more, until she agrees to it. Your marriage is at very high risk, you both are vulnerable to making very bad decisions due to unmet needs and 80%+ of your time is spent apart.

If you two get divorced, not much changes for her. She still will be the one doing everything. She is probably not very afraid of being a single parent, she is one most of the time as is.

You will not be able to get much custody if you are on the road Mon-Thurs, you'll be paying a lot of child support. Yes, she'll have to get a job, and put the kids in child care. Guess what- her life will probably be a lot easier, actually. She'll even get some weekends totally kid-free.

If you get divorced and hope to see your kids more than every other weekend, you will need to quit your job so that you are available during the week.

It would make more sense for you to quit the job now. You are going to take a financial hit one way or the other, better to do it now and take the chance to save your marriage.

I don't think either of you are to blame. Try not to take things personally. The traveling work is a situation that your family tried, but it didn't work. It doesn't work for the majority of people. Just see it for what it is, adjust accordingly before things are irreparable.

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post #101 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Happilymarried25 View Post
You told your wife if this keeps up you won't be together much longer? That sounds like a teenager talking not a husband and Dad of 3. This situation is on both of you. You both decided to have 3 children. You aren't home most of the time. She is stressed out and is a single parent most of the time. I don't think your situation will improve until you are home more. She is probably resentful and isn't emotionally connected to you which is hard when you aren't there.
Most single mothers work a job. How often do you see SAHM's these days????

She wants him home more then she needs to get a job and pull her end.

Sounds like she's somewhat of a cake eater.
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post #102 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 11:43 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

She's not a cake-eater. She is reacting the same way that most humans react when they spend fewer than 15 waking hours a week with their romantic partner, and little to none of that is 1:1 time. Most people fall out of love.

It happens when men are the at-homes, too. I just was counseling one of my newbies about it- she said her husband hated this job, that he felt like they were roommates. I had the same advice for her, as sad as I was to give it. Many marriages don't survive it.

"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.
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post #103 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by RoseAglow View Post
She's not a cake-eater. She is reacting the same way that most humans react when they spend fewer than 15 waking hours a week with their romantic partner, and little to none of that is 1:1 time. Most people fall out of love.

It happens when men are the at-homes, too. I just was counseling one of my newbies about it- she said her husband hated this job, that he felt like they were roommates. I had the same advice for her, as sad as I was to give it. Many marriages don't survive it.
From the postings she doesn't seem to be putting much effort into helping correct the situation though does she?

If there are problems in a marriage it takes two to fix them.
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post #104 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 01:11 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I am going to play devils advocate here, just to point out another side. But first let me say I agree that the wife is in a tough position and is basically raising the children herself. I also think she probably has some resentment issues. BUT, she is creating some of her own problems with the choices SHE is making.

There are two adults here making the decisions for their family. The wife bears some responsibility for how their life is. And she has a lot of decisions and choices she could be making differently to make things better for both herself and her husband.

The main bad choice that she has clearly made, that if she wanted to, she could change and would improve their relationship immediately is that she has prioritized her marriage below being a mother. She is in mother mode all the time, even when her husband is around. This is a CHOICE she is making. Even in his attempt to make things better, she is not cooperating. Again, this is a choice she is making. She is choosing to fill up what little time he is there with children and house activities. And none for husband wife activities. Again, her choice.

This situation is not all on the husband. But she is not here, he is. And he can't make her do anything. There is a good possibility that even if the husband quits traveling this will continue. I have seen it over and over again where the wife (and/or husband) switch to parenting mode when they have kids and never switch out to work on the man/woman relationship. This is ALWAYS a huge mistake which damages the husband/wife relationship severely.

There are two sides to this coin and both the OP and his wife needs to make some different choices to fix their husband/wife relationship. One can not fix it alone. Their biggest choice that they BOTH need to change is to STOP prioritizing their relationship below being parents.

They could and would greatly benefit from making Saturday night their weekly date night. Find a regular babysitter, have it lined up and that time becomes sacred between them. Period, end of discussion. No talk about kids or family stuff, just work on rebuilding the man/woman flirty connection during that sacred time. The could also do Skype dating while he is gone. They could flirt on the phone and send sexy texts. I realize this would all be easier for him, than for her with 3 small kids. But it's doable if she wants to make things better. There are lots of choices they could be making but are not.

The OP was not being mean when he told his wife if things don't change the relationship will end. He was stating fact. And the fact is their husband/wife relationship is already on the dead end road. They both need to steer it off that path quickly and CHOOSE a better path instead.

I would suggest the OP use the words choice when they sit and talk. Don't point out her bad ones, but talk about what you want and need from your marriage and find out what she wants and needs, and then together talk about what choices you both can and will make differently so that both of you are happy and satisfied not only as parents, but most importantly as a man and a woman who deeply love each other - kids or no kids.
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post #105 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 02:00 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I am going to play devils advocate here, just to point out another side. But first let me say I agree that the wife is in a tough position and is basically raising the children herself. I also think she probably has some resentment issues. BUT, she is creating some of her own problems with the choices SHE is making.

There are two adults here making the decisions for their family. The wife bears some responsibility for how their life is. And she has a lot of decisions and choices she could be making differently to make things better for both herself and her husband.

The main bad choice that she has clearly made, that if she wanted to, she could change and would improve their relationship immediately is that she has prioritized her marriage below being a mother. She is in mother mode all the time, even when her husband is around. This is a CHOICE she is making. Even in his attempt to make things better, she is not cooperating. Again, this is a choice she is making. She is choosing to fill up what little time he is there with children and house activities. And none for husband wife activities. Again, her choice.

This situation is not all on the husband. But she is not here, he is. And he can't make her do anything. There is a good possibility that even if the husband quits traveling this will continue. I have seen it over and over again where the wife (and/or husband) switch to parenting mode when they have kids and never switch out to work on the man/woman relationship. This is ALWAYS a huge mistake which damages the husband/wife relationship severely.

There are two sides to this coin and both the OP and his wife needs to make some different choices to fix their husband/wife relationship. One can not fix it alone. Their biggest choice that they BOTH need to change is to STOP prioritizing their relationship below being parents.

They could and would greatly benefit from making Saturday night their weekly date night. Find a regular babysitter, have it lined up and that time becomes sacred between them. Period, end of discussion. No talk about kids or family stuff, just work on rebuilding the man/woman flirty connection during that sacred time. The could also do Skype dating while he is gone. They could flirt on the phone and send sexy texts. I realize this would all be easier for him, than for her with 3 small kids. But it's doable if she wants to make things better. There are lots of choices they could be making but are not.

The OP was not being mean when he told his wife if things don't change the relationship will end. He was stating fact. And the fact is their husband/wife relationship is already on the dead end road. They both need to steer it off that path quickly and CHOOSE a better path instead.

I would suggest the OP use the words choice when they sit and talk. Don't point out her bad ones, but talk about what you want and need from your marriage and find out what she wants and needs, and then together talk about what choices you both can and will make differently so that both of you are happy and satisfied not only as parents, but most importantly as a man and a woman who deeply love each other - kids or no kids.
Excellent post. I've seen way to many times it's all about the kids. It's a family and the husband and wife count too.

It's not the hand you're dealt necessarily but how you play it.

I was the only breadwinner but also had a taste of staying home for a short time while the wife had to work and respect both sides.

There can't be a me, me , me in a good marriage but there has to be an us. It takes two. Staying in mommy mode 100% of the time and becoming a martyr will end the marriage.
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