Wife feels "touched out" - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post

No luck on a job with less travel. I was home for three weeks straight around Christmas. Since one of her love languages is acts of service, I took care of laundry those three weeks. I would carry the dirty down, wash it, and bring it back up for her to fold. I would have folded too, but I've been told I don't fold right. I helped out as much as I could those three weeks with other things too. Didn't seem to make a bit of difference.

The one date night a month is hit or miss. Sometimes we will have the neighbor girl come over once the older two are in bed and we go to Walmart together or something like that. I can't think of the last time we actually went to a dinner by ourselves.
Well dang, sorry to hear that the job search isn't panning out. I wouldn't give up that front just yet. Keep looking.

In the meantime, I would definitely heed @roseaglow post. It sucks but she's right. The only option that gives you a chance to improve your marriage is if you find a job that keeps you home. You and your wife have to decide if the potential loss in salary is worth it. I do think that if you choose this route that you present it to your wife as you wanting to be home for the sake of the marriage and the family unit. In other words, you love your family enough to make the sacrifice. It's worth it to you if it means being home everyday.
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post #107 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Excellent post. I've seen way to many times it's all about the kids. It's a family and the husband and wife count too.

It's not the hand you're dealt necessarily but how you play it.

I was the only breadwinner but also had a taste of staying home for a short time while the wife had to work and respect both sides.

There can't be a me, me , me in a good marriage but there has to be an us. It takes two. Staying in mommy mode 100% of the time and becoming a martyr will end the marriage.
I'll admit that I probably need to tell her more often how much I appreciate what she does. I know it's something I need to work on. I also understand that she needs some time to herself. Our 3 year old goes to pre-school twice a week for two hours. I told her she could send the youngest to day care as well during that time so she could have some time to herself. I know it's not much, but I figured it would help without costing a fortune. She's also mentioned that she wants to go visit her girl friend down in SC for a weekend. I said no problem since I have the frequent flyer points for the flight and hotel so all she would need was spending money. I just asked that she let me know some time in advance so I can request the time off from work.

I've told her I wanted to sit down and talk so we can come to a compromise on things. I don't believe it should always be her way or my way. She's quick to criticize my job when it doesn't suit her. I'm lucky with it that I have a lot of freedom. I can schedule when things get done and I'm not really questioned on much as long as the job for the week is done. They're also very flexible, when my two youngest were born they asked me how much time I wanted off.

I agree that she is in mommy mode 100% of the time. Our oldest is not mine, he is from a previous relationship. I have helped raise him since he was about one and a half. His biological father has never seen him and wants nothing to do with him. She is always at the school and involved in things so when something happens with our oldest, she is on the phone with the principal. She for some reason tries to compensate for the issue with his "donor".
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post #108 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
I'll admit that I probably need to tell her more often how much I appreciate what she does. I know it's something I need to work on. I also understand that she needs some time to herself. Our 3 year old goes to pre-school twice a week for two hours. I told her she could send the youngest to day care as well during that time so she could have some time to herself. I know it's not much, but I figured it would help without costing a fortune. She's also mentioned that she wants to go visit her girl friend down in SC for a weekend. I said no problem since I have the frequent flyer points for the flight and hotel so all she would need was spending money. I just asked that she let me know some time in advance so I can request the time off from work.

I've told her I wanted to sit down and talk so we can come to a compromise on things. I don't believe it should always be her way or my way. She's quick to criticize my job when it doesn't suit her. I'm lucky with it that I have a lot of freedom. I can schedule when things get done and I'm not really questioned on much as long as the job for the week is done. They're also very flexible, when my two youngest were born they asked me how much time I wanted off.

I agree that she is in mommy mode 100% of the time. Our oldest is not mine, he is from a previous relationship. I have helped raise him since he was about one and a half. His biological father has never seen him and wants nothing to do with him. She is always at the school and involved in things so when something happens with our oldest, she is on the phone with the principal. She for some reason tries to compensate for the issue with his "donor".
I stayed at home for a period of time due to layoff. It's horrenduos work. It gave me wisdom/insight. When I got my job back I had the wife quit and stay home full time. In order to do that I worked extremely long hours because the bills have to get paid.

However, your wife needs to work with you in order to have a marriage. Kids don't need to be involved in everything. I see this a lot nowadays. Activities are good but you can overdo it.

you could do several things.

Get a job closer to home. She makes up the diff in income like everyone else does nowadays.

You both manage your time so you have alone time/date nights. And stick to it.

This is the thing. Would that be acceptable to her????

From reading your posts I suspect not. You can do your part but she also has to do hers.

You take the lead on this and see what happens. No ones going to do it for you.
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post #109 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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From the postings she doesn't seem to be putting much effort into helping correct the situation though does she?

If there are problems in a marriage it takes two to fix them.
yep agreed Shes putting in little effort. If I was her, I would be putting in a lot of effort. Red flag here
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post #110 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 06:19 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
I am going to play devils advocate here, just to point out another side. But first let me say I agree that the wife is in a tough position and is basically raising the children herself. I also think she probably has some resentment issues. BUT, she is creating some of her own problems with the choices SHE is making.

There are two adults here making the decisions for their family. The wife bears some responsibility for how their life is. And she has a lot of decisions and choices she could be making differently to make things better for both herself and her husband.

The main bad choice that she has clearly made, that if she wanted to, she could change and would improve their relationship immediately is that she has prioritized her marriage below being a mother. She is in mother mode all the time, even when her husband is around. This is a CHOICE she is making. Even in his attempt to make things better, she is not cooperating. Again, this is a choice she is making. She is choosing to fill up what little time he is there with children and house activities. And none for husband wife activities. Again, her choice.

This situation is not all on the husband. But she is not here, he is. And he can't make her do anything. There is a good possibility that even if the husband quits traveling this will continue. I have seen it over and over again where the wife (and/or husband) switch to parenting mode when they have kids and never switch out to work on the man/woman relationship. This is ALWAYS a huge mistake which damages the husband/wife relationship severely.

There are two sides to this coin and both the OP and his wife needs to make some different choices to fix their husband/wife relationship. One can not fix it alone. Their biggest choice that they BOTH need to change is to STOP prioritizing their relationship below being parents.

They could and would greatly benefit from making Saturday night their weekly date night. Find a regular babysitter, have it lined up and that time becomes sacred between them. Period, end of discussion. No talk about kids or family stuff, just work on rebuilding the man/woman flirty connection during that sacred time. The could also do Skype dating while he is gone. They could flirt on the phone and send sexy texts. I realize this would all be easier for him, than for her with 3 small kids. But it's doable if she wants to make things better. There are lots of choices they could be making but are not.

The OP was not being mean when he told his wife if things don't change the relationship will end. He was stating fact. And the fact is their husband/wife relationship is already on the dead end road. They both need to steer it off that path quickly and CHOOSE a better path instead.

I would suggest the OP use the words choice when they sit and talk. Don't point out her bad ones, but talk about what you want and need from your marriage and find out what she wants and needs, and then together talk about what choices you both can and will make differently so that both of you are happy and satisfied not only as parents, but most importantly as a man and a woman who deeply love each other - kids or no kids.
agreed !!!
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post #111 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 08:58 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I agree with RoseAglow. It's very difficult to have a marriage when you're apart so much.....it's the reason so many military marriages fall apart. I saw a ton of it in the army, the cheating while apart is horrendous.

A surprising number of them who stay together open up the marriage.....I have no idea how that works long term but I've seen it done.

There are certain people who can manage these separations but one of the big challenges they face is that while the traveling/deployed/whatever spouse is gone the spouse running the homefront gets used to taking care of everything and basically being single, then when spouse gets home it takes a lot of adjusting to come back together. And that's just for running the home, not the marital relationship, and if you're heading back out again you never really get to establish that bond. So you come home looking for sex but to your wife you're kind of a stranger.

When my hb got laid off last year he explored a couple of traveling jobs and I hit the roof.....I told him I didn't get married to be alone half the time. He realized that if he wanted to stay married he'd better find something local, which he did. Pays a little less but so what? We're together.

It may be that your wife simply can't go back and forth like this.....by all means talk to her but understand that at the end of the day you being gone all the time is likely not going to work. I get that it's not what the guys here want to hear and I think it's a fine thing that you're supporting the family but it's going to come at the expense of the marriage.

So let's say you tell her that you can't go on like this and if things don't change it's over; let's examine who's going to get the better deal.

As Rose already pointed out you're going to pay a ton of alimony and CS and you're going to have a tough time getting much custody when you travel all the time.

Your wife already has to take care of most things so it won't be that much of an adjustment for her. She'll meet another guy who is around, and you'll try to meet another women who you also won't see because you'll still be traveling. Eventually you're going to realize that you can't make anything work out while you're gone all the time so you'll end up getting another job which might pay less but you'll still be on the hook for alimony and CS. True your wife will need to get a job but so what? It's not that big of a deal and she might be happier.....I got a job when I divorced my ex and it was no big deal. I was already taking care of everything (he did very little besides work) and getting a job was frankly better then being home (for me), and he had to pay CS. I didn't even ask for alimony and I was still better off, not much changed except that I didn't have to listen to him b!tch and paw at me. He was also gone for long periods (military) and I was glad when he left because he was a jerk. But part of that could have been that we had no real connection and with him coming and going there was never going to be one. I don't think he was capable of one but we didn't have much of a chance.

So why not take another job now even if it pays less? At least then you'll be around to try to salvage your marriage; you're not going to lose anything because eventually you're going to have to stop traveling, whether you're still married to your wife or not. But if you're divorced your hit will be much bigger.

If your wife complains about less money tell her that you can't have a marriage if you're not together so you'll have to figure out how to manage. If that means she goes to work to help out so be it.

If she really wants you gone that will say a lot about how she views you.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 02-07-2016 at 06:43 AM.
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post #112 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:57 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
From the postings she doesn't seem to be putting much effort into helping correct the situation though does she?

If there are problems in a marriage it takes two to fix them.
I agree Marc. She is a cake eater. Rose said that she's surprised that she allows him home, as though she has a choice ?? It's his house too.

Again, Rose's post puts the blame largely on his shoulders. It's not. Everything that this situation entails is based on agreements they had. Rather than sucking it up and being on point in her role as a wife, she has checked out. That's on her. I agree with you Marc, she is cake eating.

I am sure many of the responses here would be different if on the other foot. If he came home on the weekends and wanted nothing to do with her while she longed for him all week, he would be getting savagely attacked here.

John117 said it perfectly, how about this, he quits his job and gets one that pays half as much. Zdog's wife now has to go out and get a job to make up for the income loss and they have to put the kids in daycare which hurts their finances even more. Now she will be complaining about the loss of income, time away from the kids and the fact she has to work. But if he keeps his current job, she gets to cold shoulder him to death and treat him like he's a non entity. Zdog is screwed if he does and screwed if he doesn't.

I also don't like how some say' she does everything' while he's away in hotel beds and away from his kids all week making sacrifices to provide for his family. Both are doing everything as two parents should. To reduce his role in providing for the family is IMHO very wrong.

So I agree with you Marc
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post #113 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 07:00 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
I am going to play devils advocate here, just to point out another side. But first let me say I agree that the wife is in a tough position and is basically raising the children herself. I also think she probably has some resentment issues. BUT, she is creating some of her own problems with the choices SHE is making.

There are two adults here making the decisions for their family. The wife bears some responsibility for how their life is. And she has a lot of decisions and choices she could be making differently to make things better for both herself and her husband.

The main bad choice that she has clearly made, that if she wanted to, she could change and would improve their relationship immediately is that she has prioritized her marriage below being a mother. She is in mother mode all the time, even when her husband is around. This is a CHOICE she is making. Even in his attempt to make things better, she is not cooperating. Again, this is a choice she is making. She is choosing to fill up what little time he is there with children and house activities. And none for husband wife activities. Again, her choice.

This situation is not all on the husband. But she is not here, he is. And he can't make her do anything. There is a good possibility that even if the husband quits traveling this will continue. I have seen it over and over again where the wife (and/or husband) switch to parenting mode when they have kids and never switch out to work on the man/woman relationship. This is ALWAYS a huge mistake which damages the husband/wife relationship severely.

There are two sides to this coin and both the OP and his wife needs to make some different choices to fix their husband/wife relationship. One can not fix it alone. Their biggest choice that they BOTH need to change is to STOP prioritizing their relationship below being parents.

They could and would greatly benefit from making Saturday night their weekly date night. Find a regular babysitter, have it lined up and that time becomes sacred between them. Period, end of discussion. No talk about kids or family stuff, just work on rebuilding the man/woman flirty connection during that sacred time. The could also do Skype dating while he is gone. They could flirt on the phone and send sexy texts. I realize this would all be easier for him, than for her with 3 small kids. But it's doable if she wants to make things better. There are lots of choices they could be making but are not.

The OP was not being mean when he told his wife if things don't change the relationship will end. He was stating fact. And the fact is their husband/wife relationship is already on the dead end road. They both need to steer it off that path quickly and CHOOSE a better path instead.

I would suggest the OP use the words choice when they sit and talk. Don't point out her bad ones, but talk about what you want and need from your marriage and find out what she wants and needs, and then together talk about what choices you both can and will make differently so that both of you are happy and satisfied not only as parents, but most importantly as a man and a woman who deeply love each other - kids or no kids.
I agree Mary35. 100%. Excellent post
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post #114 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 07:06 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
I'll admit that I probably need to tell her more often how much I appreciate what she does. I know it's something I need to work on. I also understand that she needs some time to herself. Our 3 year old goes to pre-school twice a week for two hours. I told her she could send the youngest to day care as well during that time so she could have some time to herself. I know it's not much, but I figured it would help without costing a fortune. She's also mentioned that she wants to go visit her girl friend down in SC for a weekend. I said no problem since I have the frequent flyer points for the flight and hotel so all she would need was spending money. I just asked that she let me know some time in advance so I can request the time off from work.

I've told her I wanted to sit down and talk so we can come to a compromise on things. I don't believe it should always be her way or my way. She's quick to criticize my job when it doesn't suit her. I'm lucky with it that I have a lot of freedom. I can schedule when things get done and I'm not really questioned on much as long as the job for the week is done. They're also very flexible, when my two youngest were born they asked me how much time I wanted off.

I agree that she is in mommy mode 100% of the time. Our oldest is not mine, he is from a previous relationship. I have helped raise him since he was about one and a half. His biological father has never seen him and wants nothing to do with him. She is always at the school and involved in things so when something happens with our oldest, she is on the phone with the principal. She for some reason tries to compensate for the issue with his "donor".
Here's my question Zdog. The first child is not yours but you have accepted fatherly roles for him. Has she ever expressed appreciation to you for this ?

Also do you feel that if you did tell her until she is blue in the face how much you appreciate her, would it make a difference and would she reciprocate ?

Finally, what does this mean ?

"She is always at the school and involved in things so when something happens with our oldest, she is on the phone with the principal. She for some reason tries to compensate for the issue with his "donor"."

I didn't get what you are saying here
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post #115 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Here's my question Zdog. The first child is not yours but you have accepted fatherly roles for him. Has she ever expressed appreciation to you for this ?

Also do you feel that if you did tell her until she is blue in the face how much you appreciate her, would it make a difference and would she reciprocate ?

Finally, what does this mean ?

"She is always at the school and involved in things so when something happens with our oldest, she is on the phone with the principal. She for some reason tries to compensate for the issue with his "donor"."

I didn't get what you are saying here
She's vice president of the PTO at the elementary school. I don't mind it because it gets her out of the house and she gets to see friends and be around people more than three feet tall . I will admit it gets frustrating because there are weekends where "hey, we have to put together 500 fundraiser packets" comes up.

As far as the compensation issue, even though he believes I am his real father I think she sometimes feels bad that he has never wanted to see him. As far as school goes, if something happens she's emailing the teacher right away or text messaging the principal. Maybe it is just a mother being over protective of her first born, I'm not sure.........

As far as being thanked for taking over fatherly roles........I've never really felt I need to be thanked for that. I guess I've never really thought about it. I've never tried "over thanking" her for what she does, I do know that I need to do it more than I do now.

Valentine's Day is coming up this weekend, hopefully we get to spend some time together on Sunday. We have a basketball tournament Friday night and Saturday (1 game Friday, 2 on Saturday).

Last edited by ZDog377; 02-07-2016 at 08:42 AM. Reason: Forgot to answer some questions......
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post #116 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 08:46 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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As far as the compensation issue, even though he believes I am his real father I think she sometimes feels bad that he has never wanted to see him. As far as school goes, if something happens she's emailing the teacher right away or text messaging the principal. Maybe it is just a mother being over protective of her first born, I'm not sure.........

That just seems like mothering to me, the oldest is the only one in school. She'll do the same as the other two get older.
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post #117 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

We had a talk today and I mentioned that I was going to be looking for a job at home and asked her where she would get a job. She said she would probably get something working over nights so we could save on day care. She also said that she didn't think I could handle being at home all time.
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post #118 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

There is a plan for continuing the no sex current practice.
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post #119 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 04:59 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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We had a talk today and I mentioned that I was going to be looking for a job at home and asked her where she would get a job. She said she would probably get something working over nights so we could save on day care. She also said that she didn't think I could handle being at home all time.
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So she wants to go from one scenario where y'all never see each other to another.

I would tell her you are not okay with that. I would tell her that any attempt to rearrange careers is contingent upon y'all having more time together. It it does not fit into that prism, I would tell her you will not do it.

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post #120 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:25 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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We had a talk today and I mentioned that I was going to be looking for a job at home and asked her where she would get a job. She said she would probably get something working over nights so we could save on day care. She also said that she didn't think I could handle being at home all time.
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How do you feel about this response Zdog?
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