Wife feels "touched out" - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #121 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:55 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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We had a talk today and I mentioned that I was going to be looking for a job at home and asked her where she would get a job. She said she would probably get something working over nights so we could save on day care. She also said that she didn't think I could handle being at home all time.
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Doesn't seem to happy about it does she????? Pretty negative connotation on it. Correct me if I'm wrong?
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post #122 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:57 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Tell her that you insist that spending time together be a priority, which means no nights. It may take her some time to adjust but thats ok.

We can't have everything and your marriage needs to come first.

Also tell her that you're sure being home regularly will be an adjustment for you but you'll manage and being there for your family is worth it.

It'll take some time to get used to things but it'll be worth it. Think of it like dating and getting to know each other again
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post #123 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:59 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Doesn't seem to happy about it does she????? Pretty negative connotation on it. Correct me if I'm wrong?
Patience. An adjustment period might be required. ...
They are both used to what they have now.

Even if it ultimately fails he'll know he did what he could and will be in a better position for joint custody and less alimony if she gets a job.

He has nothing to lose.
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post #124 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I agree.
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post #125 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:13 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Hi, OP. Rose asked me to take a look at this thread, as my husband has travelled for work/lived away most of the last several years.

I understand where the folks who are telling you you need to be home are coming from. But my experience is that if your head is not in the game, and into meeting her needs while at home, it really does not matter much if you are home or not. Iow, if you are a 4th kid, keep the job you have, as it will be less work for her. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

A big difference between your wife and me is that I have always wanted physical and emotional intimacy when my husband has been home. I don't really understand this once or twice a month sex idea. I have heard that some women get really into their kids and lose interest in their husbands. Could be the case with your wife. She does seem super involved with the kids.

My husband is not one to be resentful if for some reason we do not have it every day he is home. He initiates, and I usually respond. But if I don't, it is no big deal. He just kisses my forehead and we both go to sleep. No resentment.

If you are needy or whiny or pouting or anything like that, stop. That is surely unattractive. Just try to inspire her interest, if possible. No guilting allowed.

Just thinking about this more . . . my husband can be pretty nurturing. And even when he is not nurturing, he is not demanding or needy. So between giving to me, and not taking on a personal level from me, it allows desire to build on my end. The last thing a mom of little ones needs is a husband taking from her.

Do you really like your job? I would hesitate to quit if you really like it, especially if you are unlikely to make as much money at a local job, and if your wife is not in agreement with the change.

Good luck, OP. I hope something in here helps. And remember: kids are not little forever. This too shall pass.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #126 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

I agree with the part about liking the job. I hate to quit because they treat me good and the pay is good as well.

I will admit she didn't seem thrilled with the idea of me being at home more often. We didn't have an hour long talk about it, it was more of a quick discussion.

Also, I'm not looking for sex all the time. I've told her that. We had a night probably a month ago that we went to bed early and just laid there looking at funny jokes and stuff on our phones and showing them to each other. It was probably only a half hour, but it was the most fun we have had in a while.
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post #127 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 11:51 PM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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I agree with the part about liking the job. I hate to quit because they treat me good and the pay is good as well.

I will admit she didn't seem thrilled with the idea of me being at home more often. We didn't have an hour long talk about it, it was more of a quick discussion.

Also, I'm not looking for sex all the time. I've told her that. We had a night probably a month ago that we went to bed early and just laid there looking at funny jokes and stuff on our phones and showing them to each other. It was probably only a half hour, but it was the most fun we have had in a while.
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I would not quit the job then. Try to initiate emotional intimacy more often, like with the joke night. That should build some goodwill, bring some ease and comfort into the relationship.

Any chance you can cut back on some of the activities and just relax at home as a family on the weekends?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #128 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 06:38 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Jld certainly makes points worth considering and it's definitely worth it to give it a try.


But I think different people have different capacities to deal with a setup like this....jld has capacity to deal with it and Dug handles things well. I don't know to what extent your wife has capacity to deal with it and reconnect with you. It may be that she requires continuity to have a connection.

I know that I'm not capable of dealing with what she does.....I think in many ways she's stronger emotionally then me. That probably comes as a surprise to her

You probably have little to lose though by giving her ideas a try.
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post #129 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 07:04 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Hmmmmm she doesn't connect because you're away to much but she doesn't want you home because she'd have to work. No win situation. She's a mommy martyr.

I'll stand by my original statement. She's a CAKE EATER!!!!

Never gonna be happy no matter what you do.
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post #130 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 08:11 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

This is not a problem that can be solved by talking about it.

You need to look at it as your job is to enable the family to function well.

So, how often have you said to your wife "The most important thing we can provide our children is an intact marriage" ?

Rather than talking about spending time together, you tell your wife it's important that you spend time together. You then invite her to do things. She may say yes, she may say no... Sometimes she will say yes. Make her realize that this is good and not bad when she does say yes.

Also, it's dumb to tell her that you are going to quit your job and that means she will have to get a job. What you say is that it's important to spend time together as husband and wife, and you recognize that your job gets in the way of that... You then talk to her about what options to the two of you have.

But, it all starts with her believing that the best thing she can give to her children is a strong family... Not sure a girl who has a baby with a loser though is a person who has that belief system... so this is a big work item for you.
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post #131 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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This is not a problem that can be solved by talking about it.

You need to look at it as your job is to enable the family to function well.

So, how often have you said to your wife "The most important thing we can provide our children is an intact marriage" ?

Rather than talking about spending time together, you tell your wife it's important that you spend time together. You then invite her to do things. She may say yes, she may say no... Sometimes she will say yes. Make her realize that this is good and not bad when she does say yes.

Also, it's dumb to tell her that you are going to quit your job and that means she will have to get a job. What you say is that it's important to spend time together as husband and wife, and you recognize that your job gets in the way of that... You then talk to her about what options to the two of you have.

But, it all starts with her believing that the best thing she can give to her children is a strong family... Not sure a girl who has a baby with a loser though is a person who has that belief system... so this is a big work item for you.
We have both said before that it's not fair to the kids to see us fighting all the time. I always try and plan things for us to do, but the kids are busy with things. Like this weekend, I'll probably get home sometime Friday and he has a tournament game in the evening. Then Saturday he has two games. Plus my father in law is coming down for the games. She will ask what I want to do and I'll say it doesn't matter as long as I get to spend time with her. It's never "hey, I've arranged a babysitter and we are going out, be ready at 6". It would be nice to have that once or twice.
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post #132 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Could you arrange a sitter?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #133 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:12 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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It's never "hey, I've arranged a babysitter and we are going out, be ready at 6". It would be nice to have that once or twice.
IMO, this is your job, not hers. Or tell her to get a babysitter, you are making plans for Saturday night. You need to lead this cr*p, just like when you were dating.

As for plans, try to err on the side of stuff she likes, relative to stuff you like if compromise is not easy to find (say she hates movies and you love them, but she likes dancing/drinking and you don't. Do the latter).
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post #134 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:15 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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IMO, this is your job, not hers. Or tell her to get a babysitter, you are making plans for Saturday night. You need to lead this cr*p, just like when you were dating.

As for plans, try to err on the side of stuff she likes, relative to stuff you like if compromise is not easy to find (say she hates movies and you love them, but she likes dancing/drinking and you don't. Do the latter).
Yes, the idea is to woo her.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #135 of 1847 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 09:17 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Yes, the idea is to woo her.
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I agree. "wooing" doesn't stop on your wedding day. Many men forget this fact at their own peril.
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