Wife feels "touched out" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Question Wife feels "touched out"

We've been running into a problem since our third child was born. We have 3 children, 9 years old, 3 years old and soon to be 1 year old.

I try and be intimate, however when it gets outside of holding hands in the car she pushes me away because she says she is "touched out". I'm usually not home during the week because I travel for work. On the weekends I'll try and come up behind her when she's cooking or just try and kiss her when she's sitting on the couch. I'm out of ideas for what to do......
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post #2 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 09:53 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Yikes. As someone whose "love language" is physical touch, I can't even imagine this response.

As a mom of two, I well remember toddlers and infants constantly grabbing and prodding me. But that NEVER diminished my need for a sexual, intimate touch from my husband. (Although, him being LD he rarely provided it.)

Is she depressed, struggling with motherhood, weight gain, isolated?

And there's also the possibility that she's just not "into you" any more.

We need more info. How was your sex life pre-kids?
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post #3 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 09:53 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

You fly out Sunday afternoon, spend Monday thru Friday away, fly in Friday night and basically only have one 24 hour day a week that you spend with your wife and family? Just a guess on my part, but am I close to the mark?

IMHO, your wife has HUUUUUUGE resentments about your work schedule. You don't need help with improving intimacy, you need help trying to figure out how to stop traveling so much. Lack of sex is a symptom of the lack of time spent together, and the fact that she shoulders virtually all the burdens with raising 3 kids.
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post #4 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
You fly out Sunday afternoon, spend Monday thru Friday away, fly in Friday night and basically only have one 24 hour day a week that you spend with your wife and family? Just a guess on my part, but am I close to the mark?

IMHO, your wife has HUUUUUUGE resentments about your work schedule. You don't need help with improving intimacy, you need help trying to figure out how to stop traveling so much. Lack of sex is a symptom of the lack of time spent together, and the fact that she shoulders virtually all the burdens with raising 3 kids.
I usually fly out Monday and am back on Friday. It varies from week to week but it is usually that. Sometimes it can be Monday-Wednesday. Just depends. I've been looking for jobs that are at home, however they are lower paying than I am making now. That is a huge thing considering she is a stay at home mom.
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post #5 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:02 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
You fly out Sunday afternoon, spend Monday thru Friday away, fly in Friday night and basically only have one 24 hour day a week that you spend with your wife and family? Just a guess on my part, but am I close to the mark?

IMHO, your wife has HUUUUUUGE resentments about your work schedule. You don't need help with improving intimacy, you need help trying to figure out how to stop traveling so much. Lack of sex is a symptom of the lack of time spent together, and the fact that she shoulders virtually all the burdens with raising 3 kids.
This X 1000. From her perspective she's a single parent and then you show up wanting sex, but since you're never there she isn't bonded to you. You're a stranger who pays bills and shows up on the weekend looking for sex.

Please consider looking for another job so you can bond with your wife.
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post #6 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
Yikes. As someone whose "love language" is physical touch, I can't even imagine this response.

As a mom of two, I well remember toddlers and infants constantly grabbing and prodding me. But that NEVER diminished my need for a sexual, intimate touch from my husband. (Although, him being LD he rarely provided it.)

Is she depressed, struggling with motherhood, weight gain, isolated?

And there's also the possibility that she's just not "into you" any more.

We need more info. How was your sex life pre-kids?
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Sex life with one child was good, it was good leading up to the second one because she wanted to get pregnant. We had some trouble with that so there was lots of practice.
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post #7 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:10 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

ZDog,

If it came on suddenly there is a reasonable chance she is in an emotional affair with someone else, is she communicating excessively with any one person? Why doesn't she want to touch you because she is being loyal to someone else now.

Snoop to see what is going on.

Tamat
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post #8 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:14 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
ZDog,



If it came on suddenly there is a reasonable chance she is in an emotional affair with someone else, is she communicating excessively with any one person? Why doesn't she want to touch you because she is being loyal to someone else now.



Snoop to see what is going on.



Tamat


Maybe, but how would he know? He doesnt live there.
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post #9 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:23 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

A simple answer is that love needs to be nurtured to stay healthy. Even with your children, they will be more strongly attached with their mother.

I suggest you take the time to communicate with your wife and try finding solutions as a couple.

Tell her that you miss the intimacy and how you both can work as a team to get back to a strong relationship.

Write down the needs you both have, the needs of the children, and the needs of the family. In the end, no one will get 100% of what they want, but at least you will both have some ideas of working towards the middle of what conditions you are both okay with.

The hard part is that your bond is weak. With a strong bond, there will be a tendency to listen, understand, and a stronger motivation to work as a unit.

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post #10 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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Originally Posted by Mr.Fisty View Post
A simple answer is that love needs to be nurtured to stay healthy. Even with your children, they will be more strongly attached with their mother.

I suggest you take the time to communicate with your wife and try finding solutions as a couple.

Tell her that you miss the intimacy and how you both can work as a team to get back to a strong relationship.

Write down the needs you both have, the needs of the children, and the needs of the family. In the end, no one will get 100% of what they want, but at least you will both have some ideas of working towards the middle of what conditions you are both okay with.

The hard part is that your bond is weak. With a strong bond, there will be a tendency to listen, understand, and a stronger motivation to work as a unit.
I have tried working on communication. When I am out of town, I try and talk to her at least 3x/day (morning, lunch, after work). On the weekends she feels like she needs to keep the kids running to stay happy. I can't remember the last weekend (Saturday or Sunday) that we spent just hanging around home. I've had two jobs since we have been together and both have been traveling so it is nothing new to her. In fact, this job has me home more than the one I had when we first got married.
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post #11 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:32 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Have you read The Five Love Languages?

Start there. Take time with her to read through it and do the questions.

Just reading it together will solve a couple of problems. She doesn't feel connected to you. Your have to invest more than money to keep your relationship strong.

If her behavior did develop suddenly, an affair of some kind can't be ruled out.

Not making excuses but some cheaters only cheat when they are being neglected.
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post #12 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:36 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

She plans activities that require running around with the kids every weekend?
Even with a child under one year old?

So almost every day you are present is planned so no intimacy of any kind can occur between you?

How long has she been arranging this?
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post #13 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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She plans activities that require running around with the kids every weekend?
Even with a child under one year old?

So almost every day you are present is planned so no intimacy of any kind can occur between you?

How long has she been arranging this?
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It will be stuff like grocery shopping, having to run to home improvement stores to get stuff for projects. The 9 year old needs someone to constantly be doing something with him. For example, up until last month was baseball season on Sundays. Over the winter it was basketball season. Then in the fall it was football season. Then he's always saying I need to go outside and do something with him.
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post #14 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 11:03 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

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It will be stuff like grocery shopping, having to run to home improvement stores to get stuff for projects. The 9 year old needs someone to constantly be doing something with him. For example, up until last month was baseball season on Sundays. Over the winter it was basketball season. Then in the fall it was football season. Then he's always saying I need to go outside and do something with him.
She could be shopping and getting home improvement items when you aren't there. I understand your son wanting time with you.

For her to arrange errands the only days you are home is bad.

Your marriage is in pretty bad shape and you are in danger of having a WAW or a cheating one.

Something needs work yesterday. Often times men are the last to realize their marriage is over. Yours is probably close.

Reconnect with your wife. Your kids are important but your relationship with your wife is more so.

Make her a priority. Get that book and read it with her.

I bet her love languages are quality time and maybe acts of service.
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post #15 of 1847 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 11:15 AM
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Re: Wife feels "touched out"

Your wife is a stay at home single mother most of the time. She needs a break. I remember feeling "touched out" when mine were little, too, and I had a helpful husband who was home every night.
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