Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-14-2011, 04:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

I've read enough threads here to understand the different emotional needs of men and women regarding sex. I've not been perfect husband, but I've been a loyal one. My wife and I have our share of baggage but neither has been abusive. Also, this is not a religous question (as in you think you'll go to hell if you get a divorce) so lets skip the obvious stuff covered elsewhere.

Lets say that your kids are grown up, your both healthy, not obese, the sex you occasionally have is mutually gratifying in most cases, but as so many have said you could go without sex if hubby didn't "need it". Your essentially having pity sex for maintenance reasons and your secretely hoping he looses interest soon (he's getting older by the minute you know....).

This is happening in my marriage and I'm struggling with why my wife finds the idea of letting me go so horrible if she doesn't want to be intimate with me. We are simply on opposite ends of the spectrum these days and I'm feeling a bit like a "paycheck mule". I no longer want to have sex with someone I know doesn't want it. Kind of disgusting to me actually. Even though I'd be financially responsible for her after a divorce I would be a much happier spending time with a partner that I knew had a real desire for me. Pretty basic stuff really. Not pretty to some, but its how I feel.

If you don't need sex from your man then why do you desire to stay married if your man needs sex to maintain a healthy loving relationship?

If your really interested in his happiness wouldn't it be more loving to let him go gracefully?

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Old 07-14-2011, 04:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

You are the one that wants out so go. She is fine with no sex. Not saying its right but that's how it is.
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

I could imagine a wife staying married in your situation for any number of reasons. Maybe she feels that there's more to your marriage and how she feels about you than just sex. Maybe physical touch is at the bottom of her 'love languages', but it's at the top of yours.

Not saying it's right for a wife to ignore some of her husband's needs, just as it's not right for the husband to ignore his wife's.
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

Why not stay? There is no obvious downside.
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Old 07-14-2011, 05:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

The thing you're failing to understand is that the low drive spouse (male or female) doesn't see the lack of sex as a problem. Sure, they get the whining occasionally, but that's likely a small price to pay for an otherwise comfortable life.

I fail to see why you don't just leave in that situation, if it's so bad. Why should she leave you gracefully? You're the one that doesn't like the situation, so you leave gracefully. Something like "I vowed to be monogamous, not celibate. I chose to leave now while we're both still friends. Thank you for being the mother to my children and my companion for the last xx years, but I need more."

And trust me, I know where you're coming from. I was in your situation, except my kids are still young. But I'm still young enough to want to enjoy myself too. So I chose to leave my marriage.

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Old 07-14-2011, 06:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

The LD spouse doesn't see the there is a problem, so in her/his mind there isn't a problem. And doesn't understand why you have an issue with it.. In their mind everything is fine. You can whine and gripe about the lack of sex all you want to them, nothing will change.

The only way you can fix this problem is either 1. give up on ever having a sex life with yr partner OR get out.
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

I can understand your point and find myself at that crossroad.

It has been proven by my husbands multiple cheating that I have been unable to provide him with the amount/variety of sex that he wants. Having young children, being on the contraceptive pill, unsatisfying sex from a husband who only wanted BJs and lack of intimacy and lasting ability eventually wore down my desire for sex.

So yes, I have now often thought that I should just let him go and be with another woman/women who can satisfy him as I am obviously unable to, nor do I have the desire to anymore. I do not want to have to compete with other women. I just want to be able to be who I am without this pressure to perform like some sex goddess in the bedroom.
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

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Originally Posted by mswren7 View Post
I can understand your point and find myself at that crossroad.

It has been proven by my husbands multiple cheating that I have been unable to provide him with the amount/variety of sex that he wants. Having young children, being on the contraceptive pill, unsatisfying sex from a husband who only wanted BJs and lack of intimacy and lasting ability eventually wore down my desire for sex.

So yes, I have now often thought that I should just let him go and be with another woman/women who can satisfy him as I am obviously unable to, nor do I have the desire to anymore. I do not want to have to compete with other women. I just want to be able to be who I am without this pressure to perform like some sex goddess in the bedroom.
Sorry to hear about your cheating spouse. I've never cheated but I have done other things that created resentment in my wife. I think it happens in alot of marriages. I changed my ways about 4years ago after a health scare, but I'm starting to think its irreversable damage and she will never look at me the same way.

Is your lack of desire for all men or just him?
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

That's OK Enginerd, you dont need to apologise for my cheating spouse. I didnt mean to use your thread to complain about my own situation.

At the moment my lack of desire is for all men. It wasnt always like that though.
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

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Sorry to hear about your cheating spouse. I've never cheated but I have done other things that created resentment in my wife. I think it happens in alot of marriages. I changed my ways about 4years ago after a health scare, but I'm starting to think its irreversable damage and she will never look at me the same way.

Is your lack of desire for all men or just him?
Well it would be helpful to know what you did????

I think sometimes there is no sex because there is no desire. From the female perspective he may not act in a desirable fashion.

Examples would be, not being responsible (taking care of things around the house, putting hobbies before his family etc), allways checking out other women, flirting and watching porn. Being irresponsible with money etc, not being manly and standing up for himself or his wife and so on. Those are just some examples. It's usually not about looks, it's just hard to be attracted to a child man with poor impulse control. (Not saying this is you, some women don't have drives for other reasons and some are just selfish)
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

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Originally Posted by mswren7 View Post
I can understand your point and find myself at that crossroad.

It has been proven by my husbands multiple cheating that I have been unable to provide him with the amount/variety of sex that he wants. Having young children, being on the contraceptive pill, unsatisfying sex from a husband who only wanted BJs and lack of intimacy and lasting ability eventually wore down my desire for sex.

So yes, I have now often thought that I should just let him go and be with another woman/women who can satisfy him as I am obviously unable to, nor do I have the desire to anymore. I do not want to have to compete with other women. I just want to be able to be who I am without this pressure to perform like some sex goddess in the bedroom.
Your behaviour didn't cause his cheating and I wouldn't desire him either, YUCK.
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Old 07-14-2011, 09:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

My STBXH made the stupid mistake of acting in a way that would make sex with him ridiculously unreasonable (and I am going to file sexual assault charges against him). I told him I could not ever be intimate again, and he proposed a marriage without sex. Stupidest thing I've ever heard. Sure, put me in a position where I don't want sex with you, and then put me in a position where I have to give it up with everyone else, just to stay in a marriage to have the very smallest ever chance in recorded history to get love that I would never accept being expressed sexually? Or worse, put in a positon where I would crave it and cave in and be absolutely humilated by that?

I think not. If the marriage relationship is not one that promotes healthy sexual expression, COUNT ME OUT.

He probably would have used the no-sex agreement with me to scr*w around with other women, and then blame it on me.

Yes, I realize he is abusive. But just saying, no sex = no marriage. Unless there is a medical reason and then there is also sexual expression and caretaking.
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Old 07-14-2011, 09:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

Enginerd ~ no reason for you to stay married if you're yearning for something more intimate.... Nope, not unless you're willing to use your own two hands for the rest of your life.

Your sexuality is precious, don't let it atrophy like this ~ wow, sex is far too great of a thing to just... let it... go... down... the... drain. On some level you realize what you're missing, don't you?

Have a serious talk with your wife about this and share your feelings honestly.

Tell her how much you love her and need her.
Tell her how sad this loss of sex makes you feel.

Give her time, she may be missing exactly what you are, but you won't know unless you talk about it.
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:51 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

Why women stay married even though they aren't interested in sex?
Is this a serious question? I assume you're employed and she materially benefits from your sweat. She doesn't see LD as a problem because with or without sex, her needs are being met and her needs are her primary concern. It's a simple issue of mind over matter. She doesn't mind cause you don't matter.
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Old 07-15-2011, 05:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?

you only live once. You will hurt your wife by leaving but you need too. if your physically capable to having great sex and you still have strong desires for great sex then you are wasting your life by not having it. You probably wouldnt be anymore financially responsible for, if you divorced, then you are now. But atleast you get to find a woman, or women, that actually want you. being someones non sexual roommate for the rest of your life would like torture to me.... I would go and try to live a life worth living instead of being someones comfort provider. Who knows? maybe if you take these steps and your wife sees how much other women desire sex/relationships with you may wake her up and she'll start having sexual desires for you again.

either way. working all day, coming home, eating dinner, talking about your day for 10 mins, watching 45 mins of tv, then going to bed just to wake up and do it all over again seems like a sucky way to live... its up to you to change it and your not getting any younger...
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