Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!
Do not disclose the affair. Learn from it and put it behind you. No ultimatum......at least not yet. It will add too much pressure to him and the marriage and will inhibit the effort with the therapy. Also, you need not explore outside your marriage while you are trying to save it. Make the commitment and see it through. If you get to the point together where it is a deal breaker, then there will be plenty of time for that.
I am a 45 Y/O male living in the same world as you. Im married for 20 years. My wife and I have a fairly strong marriage with the only issue is her lack of communication with me. Does not share her problems until they blow. This has caused us issues on and off throughout our marriage. We have had a very strong sex life for 15 of those 20 years. She had a hystectomy 6 years ago. Shortly after that, she began to gain weight, experience uncomfort during sex and lose her sex drive drive. She also lost all intimacy and closeness. Quite frankly we live like Brother and sister.
I am a very intimate man and have a strong sex drive. With the exception of the occasional oral sex ( 2 way) sessions, which happens rarely at my heavy prodding, there is nothing else. Not even intimate conversatios. Remember, I crave intimacy. I love my wife and want to be close to her.
For years now, I have done research looking for help, I have begged her to speak to her Dr about help. I have asked her to seek therapy. She always says she will but never has, and I suspect never will. She now wont even discuss the topic. We have not had intercourse in 4 years. Just the occasional 2 way oral sessions roughly 1x a month give or take.
The reason I say stay away from going outside of your marriage is that I almost made that mistake. I wound up connecting heavily with someone who became a very close confidant. We connected on what seemingly was every level. Long story short, we did not sleep together but it became very apparent where it was going and it stopped, very painfully. The emotional, intimate connection was so intense it was scarey.
So I am still here in the same situation. I love my wife, the mother of my 2 kids and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but she has made it very clear to me that there will be no intimacy and intercourse in our marriage. I cant help but feel, OMG, I am 45 years old, and I will NEVER experience that feeling, with someone I care about...EVER again. That is terrifying and very sad. And to be honset I am very sympathetic to her problem and try to help, I do have a bit of resentment that she is completely discounting my feelings and not making 1% effort in helping the problem.
But I made a commitment to my wife when we marriedand this is where I am.
So if you do stray, I understand what drove you there, Ive thought about it myself. Although it may start off as only physically satisfying your need, it will become emotional and will only complicate your situation.
God I wish there was a live group thatr handles this type of stuff. It is a very delicate and damaging situation.
Good luck buddy, your not alone :-)