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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-15-2011, 08:05 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

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Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Wouldn't it be wise to tell your husband about your non-intercourse ONS and see how he reacts? If he cares, he'll be hurt but he just might finally open his eyes to the ordeal you've been going through all these years. If he doesn't care, then than will speak volumes as to what your life will continue to be if you keep being married to him.

This is quite a confrontational approach, morituri. And I can see how it might just work to get the guy to open up to change.
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Old 07-16-2011, 05:09 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

I have been through a similar situation and i feel for you. I am 34, been married for 7 years, have a young child and a husband who has always had a lower libido than me. The warning signs were there before we got married but i stupidly thought that things would improve (I did talk to him about this before we married and he told me he wanted more sex too). But things didn't change. I ended up having an affair with a married man who was unhappy with his sex life. The sex was amazing and we had a great connection. He told me he loved me and wanted to leave his wife. However, it became clear that this wasn't going to happen and the affair ended. I was so hurt, and the pain i felt wasn't worth the pleasure he gave me while we were in the affair. Please don't have an affair - not with this guy or with anyone else. An affair will only complicate the issues. As other posters have said, you need to give the therapy a chance to work (decide on a time-frame, 6 months or 1 year). Then if you are still unhappy, think about whether you can live with this issue, or whether you want to separate and find someone who is able to fulfill all of your needs.
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Old 07-16-2011, 10:30 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

Awake11-
Do not disclose the affair. Learn from it and put it behind you. No ultimatum......at least not yet. It will add too much pressure to him and the marriage and will inhibit the effort with the therapy. Also, you need not explore outside your marriage while you are trying to save it. Make the commitment and see it through. If you get to the point together where it is a deal breaker, then there will be plenty of time for that.

I am a 45 Y/O male living in the same world as you. Im married for 20 years. My wife and I have a fairly strong marriage with the only issue is her lack of communication with me. Does not share her problems until they blow. This has caused us issues on and off throughout our marriage. We have had a very strong sex life for 15 of those 20 years. She had a hystectomy 6 years ago. Shortly after that, she began to gain weight, experience uncomfort during sex and lose her sex drive drive. She also lost all intimacy and closeness. Quite frankly we live like Brother and sister.

I am a very intimate man and have a strong sex drive. With the exception of the occasional oral sex ( 2 way) sessions, which happens rarely at my heavy prodding, there is nothing else. Not even intimate conversatios. Remember, I crave intimacy. I love my wife and want to be close to her.

For years now, I have done research looking for help, I have begged her to speak to her Dr about help. I have asked her to seek therapy. She always says she will but never has, and I suspect never will. She now wont even discuss the topic. We have not had intercourse in 4 years. Just the occasional 2 way oral sessions roughly 1x a month give or take.

The reason I say stay away from going outside of your marriage is that I almost made that mistake. I wound up connecting heavily with someone who became a very close confidant. We connected on what seemingly was every level. Long story short, we did not sleep together but it became very apparent where it was going and it stopped, very painfully. The emotional, intimate connection was so intense it was scarey.

So I am still here in the same situation. I love my wife, the mother of my 2 kids and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but she has made it very clear to me that there will be no intimacy and intercourse in our marriage. I cant help but feel, OMG, I am 45 years old, and I will NEVER experience that feeling, with someone I care about...EVER again. That is terrifying and very sad. And to be honset I am very sympathetic to her problem and try to help, I do have a bit of resentment that she is completely discounting my feelings and not making 1% effort in helping the problem.

But I made a commitment to my wife when we marriedand this is where I am.

So if you do stray, I understand what drove you there, Ive thought about it myself. Although it may start off as only physically satisfying your need, it will become emotional and will only complicate your situation.

God I wish there was a live group thatr handles this type of stuff. It is a very delicate and damaging situation.

Good luck buddy, your not alone :-)
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Old 07-16-2011, 07:13 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

sorry - deleted

Last edited by awake11; 07-16-2011 at 08:38 PM.
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Old 07-16-2011, 07:47 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

I've been following this forum for a year, but your posting moved me enough to both register and to comment.

Look, I understand the feeling you are lacking with your husband, but you need to understand the act of cheating has shocked him to the core. So yes, you have lost a lot of freedom and rights here. You made the choice to cheat, and that very much is the consequence of the choice.

I do think this might be saved, but it's going to require you to lay open your soul and freedom to your husband. Basically, you're going to have to follow through on those things you promised to do when you got married.

You need to go through a long period of clear remorse for your choices. You husband's foundation of trust has been destroyed and you need to rebuild it. Try to image if he had cheated instead of you. Image the rage, hurt, loss, insecurity you would feel.

You pledged to care for this man in sickness and in health. He is now soul sick because of your cheating. Are you going to stand by him and re-honor your vows?

Be patient with him. He is going through the death of your first marriage relationship. If you can stick with him, the two of you can create the new second marriage for both of you. Realize the first one is gone. Are you woman enough to do it?

Show him he is you're #1 choice and #1 priority.

Show him you are going to do everything you can do make him happy and to rock his world.

Show him that you realize you made a horrible choice that didn't improve anything, and you're a wiser person. You're his wife and with your new wisdom you are going to dedicate yourself to him and the marriage.

When you have a thought or feeling about cheating or the OM, reach out to your husband and do something selfless for him. This is very much part of your penance.

You sentence for cheating is to make your husbands life better. To make it beautiful and to make him feel safe again. Because right now you have destroyed his sense of safe.
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Old 07-16-2011, 08:19 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

sorry - deleted. I really appreciate all your thoughts, I surely need someone to talk it through with, but I feel like I'm disclosing too much and it could have the opposite effect if read by my husband who could easily recognise our story from the details.

Last edited by awake11; 07-16-2011 at 08:39 PM.
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Old 08-14-2011, 04:38 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

i used to belong to a forum for sexless marriages. i am almost 40 and feel the same way as you do... i am doomed forever? hard to make a decision as i too have children. we are great friends but that is now the extent as there has been no intimacy for over 4 years and before that i was lucky to have any sex every 3 to 4 months.
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Old 08-14-2011, 04:40 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has NO sex drive, now I have cheated!

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Originally Posted by mrcdes71 View Post
i used to belong to a forum for sexless marriages. i am almost 40 and feel the same way as you do... i am doomed forever? hard to make a decision as i too have children. we are great friends but that is now the extent as there has been no intimacy for over 4 years and before that i was lucky to have any sex every 3 to 4 months.
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