Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have been meaning to ask this question since I found TAM over a month ago but have had so many other “issues” that I forgot. Last night while having another argument about sex? "She keep coughing every time I tried to kiss her yet during the 1 hour fight/ argument she never coughed once! Anyway, my wife brought up the topic and I was reminded.
There have been a few times in the last 5 months or so when I have gotten plane soft?
Sometimes just before penetration and sometimes during.
I am the one who always initiates sex and I am always ready, after she finally relents usually with words like “just hurry up”. I find that I become soft?
Yup, it's 90% in your mind. If your wife is not engaging you and creating a passionate atmosphere it can be VERY difficult. Then after that happens once or twice you start to consciously think about it and wonder if it's going to happen again, which takes away from the experience and sometimes makes it happen again.
If your wife then gets angry and assumes you don't find her attractive or are cheating on her or something you then are so worried about it happening again that you start to get anxiety about it which MAKES it happen. Your situation is about your wifes response, or lack of it. If it continues it WILL get worse.
You make it sound like the two things are exclusive of each other. ED is often caused by emotional/stress issues, sometimes within a relationship, other times by outside things like career/financial issues.
I ran into something similar when in the early stages of my separation (obviously relationship stress, working 90 hour weeks, etc). A prescription of Cialis perked things up quickly, and rebuilt confidence. Now I just use them for "special" occasions.
The coughing and the "just hurry up" would kill me.
If I simply wanted a f**k, I could get a hooker.
However, if I'm going to make love to my wife, I want her engaged and enthusiastic.
You make it sound like the two things are exclusive of each other. ED is often caused by emotional/stress issues, sometimes within a relationship, other times by outside things like career/financial issues.
I ran into something similar when in the early stages of my separation (obviously relationship stress, working 90 hour weeks, etc). A prescription of Cialis perked things up quickly, and rebuilt confidence. Now I just use them for "special" occasions.
C
I hope it didn't read that way, because the point I was getting at is pretty much what you said. Although in his case, his wife reacting that way most certainly contributes. I have had the exact situation I described. And yes Cialis helped me as well. However I still have the anxiety at times and never in my life before the that had it happened before. But once it does, you always wonder if it will again.
The children of course! I always thought I could hold out until they were both over 18, the youngest is 15. I really don't think i will make it. Every day I get older and more frustrated I'm 45 now.
[QUOTE=eagleclaw;375347]Yup, it's 90% in your mind. If your wife is not engaging you and creating a passionate atmosphere it can be VERY difficult. Then after that happens once or twice you start to consciously think about it and wonder if it's going to happen again, which takes away from the experience and sometimes makes it happen again.
If your wife then gets angry and assumes you don't find her attractive or are cheating on her or something you then are so worried about it happening again that you start to get anxiety about it which MAKES it happen. Your situation is about your wifes response, or lack of it. If it continues it WILL get worse.
Don't accept bad sex, or lack of effort.
[ It got worse! Our marriage is so screwed up! In counseling again, I have threatened divorce, she left the house for 11 days, my anger over not being wanted/ desired has increased, I did just start taking Naltrexone for my drinking problems, but every time she has relented to have sex I have gotten soft just prior to penetration?????]
I am the one who always initiates sex and I am always ready, after she finally relents usually with words like “just hurry up”. I find that I become soft?
Last week at the counselor she was asked why she does not feel sexually attracted to me and she named like 12 different reasons? Every thing from my drinking, her stress, he wants it every day, its not love it's dirty, he cheated 5 years ago, he has something going on with his work and he always needs release, I think he's cheating now, i have to deal with finances, I take medication, menopause, every thing was fine before my trip, and on and on!
Of those 12 things your wife listed - some are things that you own (your drinking, managing your stress) and some of them are things that she owns.
Are you working on the things that you own?
And, is she working on the things that she owns?
You guys have a long, complicated history - lots of water under that bridge. I guess I would ask you kind of the inverse of what the counselor asked your wife - what is it about your wife that attracts you?
Is it ED or Emotional? 
