Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
After lurking on this board for a while looking for ways to improve my relationship I've decided to actually post a question.
DW and I have been married almost 13yrs with 3 kids which are 11, 8, and 4. Our story is similar to many others busy lives, kids activities me working 2 jobs and her a SAHM. For many years now I feel as though we had grown apart, losing who we were as a couple. However both of us are conflict avoiders and wouldn't address our problems with each other.
Over time I began to build resentment over the lack of physical affection from my wife. I have always been HD, would like sex daily if possible. My wife on the other hand LD and says herself she never thinks about it. For a long time I felt that because she never came to me for sex or rarely initiated meant she must not feel anything for me. Anyway for years and years we never communicated to each other anything about "us" and went on with our lives of working and taking care of the kids and house.
Fast forward to 4 months ago and I had a sort of awakening, realizing that something had to change in our marriage and one of us needs to make a move. So with the help of this and another marriage board I started to work on myself and see what I could do for her. It was amazing looking at my actions over the past twelve years and seeing all the mistakes that I made. I needed to improve as a husband and a father, it's very much a work in progress but I think I'm doing pretty good and so does my lovely wife.
I am fortunate that she will rarely flat out refuse to have sex. And the first month of this "new me" we made love almost every day and it was great. I saw a huge change in my happiness and outlook on life, the kids, everything. Little things also didn't bother me as much. I saw just how badly I had stuffed and tried to suppress my sex drive, when as long as I wasn't doing things to turn her off, all I had to do was initiate.
Our communication has improved 1000% and I love it, just talking to her or spending time with her. We even spend some nights just playing scrabble together. We are now down to ML about 3 time a weeks which is probably more normal.
The problem I have is her lack of initiation, whether it be a passionate kiss when I get home for work or just saying "hey I think it's time for bed 'wink wink' ". Physical touch for me is my #1 love language and sometimes I feel like it's always me reaching out to her. When what I would love is sometimes for her to reach out to me with that, I would be on cloud 9.
Now I know as the HD spouse that I will need to initiate most of the time. However it's hurt's me sometimes being always the one who's pursuing and never(rarely) being pursued, even though I know I shouldn't feel this way.
I guess now that I'm so much more aware of how I feel and what I need that this is starting to bother me. I have told her all of this( maybe I've told her too much) and wound up actually asking her if she could try to initiate maybe once a week. To this I got a response that it's "out of her comfort zone". She say there nothing I am doing that is a turn off for her so it's not that. I asked her if she's holding any resentment towards me and she says no. I just know that her doing this would mean the world to me and trying to let her know that.
So I guess my question would be is anyone out there in a similar situation and if so did your spouse ever start initiating more often and if so why?
Do you smuggle on the couch and have physical contact outside of sex?
Does she know you want to feel desired through her demonstrating that she is physically attracted to you? It isn't about initiating so much as validation. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes. I love snuggling on the couch with her, hugs, and non-sexual touch throughout the day. I have told her how much it means to me it just seems not to be on her radar most of the time. She has gotten much better at coming to me for hugs which is great. And has also starting sitting next to me on the couch and not across. Still looking for her to initiate kissing and sex, though.
Even I never realized how important these things were to me until recently.
I would say that if she tells you it's outside of her comfort zone you've got to just keep communicating with her. This does not mean to just keep telling her that it's important to you and would she please initiate, that will quickly just be perceived as pressure and have the opposite effect. Try to figure out why it's outside her comfort zone and work on trying to move it into her comfort zone -easier said than done I know. I've been through a little of this with my wife, maybe she's sending some signal that to her is initiating that you don't see that way? It took me years to figure out that my wife rubbing her ankle across mine was code for "I wanna play." I'm not sure my wife even realizes that she does that but she does and that's what it means. The first thing you've got to do is get your wife comfortable getting outside of her sexual comfort zone with you - if you can do that it's like opening Pandora's box. Good Luck.
This is a process. She is making progress, don't you think? I think two components are necessary : patience and communication. You recognizing your need after all this time is news to both of you. But you feel it more deeply because it emanates from within. She doesn't have that same POV. She is dealing with her roadblocks that emanate from within as well. Patience. Communication. Love. Posted via Mobile Device
Cruser so many women don't initiate and I know it is tiresome. Believe it or not it does not mean that she does not desire you.
I have not yet been able to initiate with my husband. I live him very much and feel an intense sexual attraction to him. I want to and try to psych myself up but I chicken out. I had a Catholic school upbringing. It was drummed into our heads that women who tempt men or enjoy sex were evil.
The story of Adam and Eve was trotted out as the biblical confirmation of Gods displeasure with women. Good girls don't. May seem silly because it's my husband but in my head I'm thinking what will he think of me. It's important to me that he not think badly of me. Crazy huh.
I don't know what your wifes background is but it is frequently the influence of religion, family or social pressure that shapes a womans attitude towards sex. If you force the issue or seem unhappy about, she may initiate but it will take a lot of effort. And may make her feel uncomfortable. If she is uncomfortable she may avoid sex to avoid your displeasure.
Sometimes it is just not who the women is. She may feel more passionate when you initiate. Try note to make this a big deal. She may take it to mean that you are unhappy with her. Try to be happy with what she does do.
Welcome it and be careful about showing dissatisfaction. Not saying you do this but any show of anger, frustration or impatience as they make a shy person even more shy. Slow and steady and welcoming of any attempt to please you. Posted via Mobile Device
I am the lower drive spouse in my marriage, and I just find that I like my husband to be more dominant in the sexual arena and to make the first moves. It helps move me in the right direction. I do initiate now more over the last year than before - I don't know why - just have felt like it. Maybe all of the years of his patience and understanding have paid off and I do feel more secure in him and in myself from a sexual perspective.
I would concentrate on the good things that your wife is doing, and just keep initiating. Be the leader for her in this area, be confident, be patient, be persistent, be persuasive and you may find that all of your care and concern toward her will help her to blossom into being able to initiate more at some point.
I guess other than just initiating there is also somewhat a lack of participation on her end in bed that I think is causing me some issues. Now this is not all the time, sometimes she really surprises me. It's just that there are times that I feel like she's letting me have sex with her rather then "we" are making love.
It is tough on my confidence when she seem less than thrilled during the act. I would be willing to spend hours enjoying her body but foreplay is not something she likes often, very ticklish. Almost never wants oral. So sometimes I get frustrated on how to get her going and she doesn't seem to know many times either.
A couple of days ago I did tell her that initiating doesn't have to be ripping my cloths off(although I wouldn't mind), but just being the first one to suggest that we turn the tv off for the night and go to bed. The thing is there have been times where she has been wild and blown me away in the bedroom, it's just so rare. And the fact that I know she can be like that has me wondering why it isn't more often.
Cruiser when she has sex with you when she is not neccessarily in the mood, she is having it for you! She cares about your satisfaction and needs because she loves you. When you are dissatisfied and frustrated it confuses her. Do you really want her to fake great passion? If you approach sex with your wife as a mutually loving experience, can you accept her loving gesture with grace. Can you hold her and encourage her tell her how much you love her.
Try this for a week, just focus on her and being loving and accepting. Make love without expectations of a class A performance on her part. Just concentrate on what is happening in the moment. Don't grade her performance just enjoy being with her.
Do you think your expectations are realistic? Why not vow to be happy with your wife and enjoy the person she is and let her know that. Sex makes me feel vulnerable - if my performance is graded by my husband each time, i would never relax. Id spend my time watching myself hoping not to displease him. It would make for a stilted performence. That's an unpleasent way to make love dont you thnk. When you are busy evaluating her performence like it's a contest that makes it seem like it's all about you and not the both of you.
If she graded your performence and showed frustrated when you don't hit the mark, how would you feel?
Try to see it as making love not having sex - the difference is you concentrate on your partner and enjoy tge experience. Sex is all about getting the most sexul pleasure that you can. You can get a peak performence more frequently but it comes if she feels safe, that she will not frustrate or anger you, and she will not be judged. She relax even when she did not start out wanting to make love. Posted via Mobile Device
Quoted for truth. Cruiser - your W REALLY loves you. Don't let your own insecurities diminish that love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Cruiser when she has sex with you when she is not neccessarily in the mood, she is having it for you! She cares about your satisfaction and needs because she loves you. When you are dissatisfied and frustrated it confuses her. Do you really want her to fake great passion? If you approach sex with your wife as a mutually loving experience, can you accept her loving gesture with grace. Can you hold her and encourage her tell her how much you love her.
Try this for a week, just focus on her and being loving and accepting. Make love without expectations of a class A performance on her part. Just concentrate on what is happening in the moment. Don't grade her performance just enjoy being with her.
Do you think your expectations are realistic? Why not vow to be happy with your wife and enjoy the person she is and let her know that. Sex makes me feel vulnerable - if my performance is graded by my husband each time, i would never relax. Id spend my time watching myself hoping not to displease him. It would make for a stilted performence. That's an unpleasent way to make love dont you thnk. When you are busy evaluating her performence like it's a contest that makes it seem like it's all about you and not the both of you.
If she graded your performence and showed frustrated when you don't hit the mark, how would you feel?
Try to see it as making love not having sex - the difference is you concentrate on your partner and enjoy tge experience. Sex is all about getting the most sexul pleasure that you can. You can get a peak performence more frequently but it comes if she feels safe, that she will not frustrate or anger you, and she will not be judged. She relax even when she did not start out wanting to make love. Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry Ladies.....the role of humanbeing, male/female, spouse/partner, parent, job etc comes with responsibilities. We have to accept the good with the bad.
As a human we have the duty to look after the planet
As males and females we have the duty to ensure the continuation of the species
As a spouse/partner we have the duty to look after each other - in sickness and in health etc.
As a parent we have the duty to give our offspring unconditional love, support etc
As an employee we have the duty to work hard etc.
All of the above roles include things we don't like doing - things that fall outside of our comfort zone - one role of a police officer (in the UK) is to attend sudden deaths, handle the deceased, go to mortuaries....it falls way outside my comfort zone, I hate it but I have to do it. It is my duty.
Cruisers wife has to accept that in her role as wife (and therefore lover) she sometiomes has to do things that fall outside of her comfort zone....like initiating sex with her husband.
If you accept the role of wife/parent/police officer etc you have to accept the good and bad sides.
Cruiser has done alot of 'self assessment'.... maybe his wife needs to do some aswell.
Sounds to me like you are making progress so don't sabotage it by pushing to hard or expecting to much to soon. I can tell by your initial post that she is slowly but surely changing over. You job now is patience and consistency. I went through this 30 years ago and it was a slow process but the day finally came when I pulled back a little and found that she came to me having realized she missed all the little hugs and kisses. After that day came it has been a mutual thing ever since. You are on the right track stick with it.
One small piece of advice. Every now and then get her reved up go down on her get her to the big O and then get up and tell her that was just for you babe. Expect nothing for yourself in this encounter. that tells her you care about her needs too. Sex, to often is about what he needs not what she needs. She needs to know that you are interested in her needs without reward for yourself.
""Every now and then get her reved up go down on her get her to the big O and then get up and tell her that was just for you babe.""
I would love nothing more. However she rarely lets me do oral on her and even when I do she very rarely enjoys it. I even told I'd love to have a session where it was just her. But without me using my mouth or hands that makes it tough. It seems as though she wants to go from kissing to intercourse most of the time. And I don't always know if she has finished and asking her makes me feel weird and I think it bothers her. Even if I finish first it doesn't mean we have to be done in my eyes but she rarely wants to continue even if she didn't have an O.
I think if your wife is willing to make love with you she is showing her commitment to you. You need to accept that her drive and her response are different than yours, and don't think those differences mean that she does not care about you.
It is difficult to understand another person's drive when it is so different than your own. My husband and I are in this exact situation - he has always been very high drive, I have always been much lower. After many years of working together, we have gotten to a very good place. We each accept the other for what we are, we each are committed to working with each other, but we were once at the point where you are with your wife.
Your patience and persistence with your wife will pay off if she is truly concerned about you and your needs. Make sure that you are meeting the needs she has, make yourself in to the best man you can be, learn ways that please your wife, and you could be very surprised.
If you are not sure if she is being satisfied sexually, then don't be afraid to ask her. Let her know that her pleasure is one of your primary concerns.
LD wife issues 
and wound up actually asking her if she could try to initiate maybe once a week. To this I got a response that it's "out of her comfort zone". She say there nothing I am doing that is a turn off for her so it's not that. I asked her if she's holding any resentment towards me and she says no. I just know that her doing this would mean the world to me and trying to let her know that.
