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I'm asexual. Follow up post.

19K views 209 replies 33 participants last post by  Marduk 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all. This is a follow up from my last post about not knowing how to be erotic. I have discovered I'm asexual.

I was reading an article last night and it was like a lighbulb going off. Like an epiphany. It was suddenly all so clear. It was going over the signs of asexuality. I fit 90% of them.

I have been off sexually for all my adult life. I just thought I needed a sexual awakening or to tap into that part of myself or I haven't met the right person. But I now know that is not the case. It is an actual sexual orientation that affects less than 1% of the population. I was hoping it was some disease or disorder that I could work on with therapy or with a pill, but now I know that I'm wired this way, it's in my chemistry.

Some specific signs I connected with greatly:
U don't find people hot or sexy. Maybe aesthetically pleasing or pleasant to look at, but u don't get a physical feeling of arousal that radiates through your body.

U dont masturbate or initate sex. U may enjoy sex and even like the feeling and get pleasure from the actual act, but it tends to be for other reasons. For me, its emotional. U have a take it or leave it attitude and don't care to evolve sexually.

U have always thought u were straight by default. U never thought about what you likes enough to really consider it and I don't feel a pull either way.

Porn is amusing to u or u get bored by it.

U misunderstand cues and can't tell when someone is flirting with u or if you flirting with them. May not know what flirting is.

Etc...

So what do I do now? My husband has always know that I was different or that something was off, but he didn't know what. Now we know and its a relief, but also scary. He has needs and desires that I don't think I can actually fulfill. He says its nice to know he's not crazy and that his yearning for something more sexually all this time has an explanation.

I feel like there's only two options: open marriage or divorce. We are newlyweds and this just shouldnt be happening! I've discovered this too late and now my life is turned upside down. We have a good relationship is every other way and want to be married and together, but what options do we have?

Please help me as I'm scared and lost. I feel like a freak of nature.

The problem is I have no real desire to do something about it, which is typical of asexuals. It does not bother me much and feels fine to me, but I know it negatively affects my marriage. I have tried to be more sexual, but I just can't bring myself to do what I know I would have to.
 
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#2 ·
What article was this that you were reading? Is it online and if so, can you post a link to it?

I don't know what to tell you that could possibly help. I'm pretty sure my H is asexual as well so the shoe is on the other foot in my situation. I am just as confused on what to do about it as you are. I think realizing and admitting you are is a HUGE first step.
 
#3 ·
I think you have more than just the two options you listed. First off, the open marriage thing is likely to fail for more than one reason. First, if your husband is a decent man who loves his wife he is looking for a sexual/emotional connection wit YOU. It is likely he would not get that in an open marriage or he would eventually fall for someone else that he meets in that open relationship. Second, do you really think you could let him sleep with someone else and it not bother you? I don't think so or you would not be here looking for help.

As far as divorce I don't think that would be necessary either. You came here for a reason and that is to try to fix your marriage. That shows you are willing to work on it. You are already aware that you MAY be asexual so you have a start. You just need to make sure that you don't forget that sexual desire may not come natural for you. If you are self conscious enough you can make the effort it will take to have a good healthy sexual marriage. You just have to work harder than most. You have to decide if your marriage is worth the huge effort you need to make to have your husband feel desired.

I may be wrong but I think you can learn to be more sexual it just won't come naturally. You will have to make a conscious effort to read and study up on seduction. Ask your husband what he finds hot, pay attention to the way he reacts to sexual scenes in movies or on the TV. Be observant and you can figure this out.
 
#4 ·
You need to first be very calm.

You may indeed be asexual. But you need to understand that no matter what the media or blogosphere might tell you, it's exceedingly rare to be so.

It is far more likely you are low drive.

I would seek out a doctor to get your hormone and general health levels checked, and then I would seek to work with a therapist who is extremely experienced in such matters.

Reading one article doesn't mean you are asexual.

Again, there is no shame if you are, but please proceed cautiously and carefully.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#8 ·
I agree with parts of this, but being asexual is much much more than just not desiring sex.

When there's never been any attraction to anybody on a physical level, for example. That is not about sex, that is about attraction. Sex is the physical manifestation of attraction, and is the natural next step when someone is attracted to someone else. Human nature.

When that attraction is not, nor ever has been there, that's a different animal altogether.

So something interesting happens in those people who eventually identify as asexual - usually at a young age, when all their peers are talking about boys (or girls), they tend to not see what they're seeing. They don't get it. This, in turn, usually makes the person question their sexuality at some point. Which is also a dead-end.

So, typically those people recognize something is "off", and usually at a fairly young age, but they go along with what they're "supposed" to do anyway, which is date, have sex, have relationships, etc. Whatever attraction they have towards the people they date, short term or longer term, or even marry, isn't physical in the slightest - because it's not there. They wind up dating people based solely on everything else about them, which isn't a bad thing, either.

Eventually sex becomes a problem, one way or the other. And you wind up here.

But asexuality and LD are very different things. Just because somebody has low desire for sex doesn't mean they can't, or aren't, attracted to whichever gender they identify with being attracted to.

Whereas people who identify with asexuality, in any of it's forms, universally share the same base issue - no physical attraction to anybody, of either gender, ever.

That, IMO, is the easiest way to weed out those who are either LD or asexual.
 
#6 ·
My wife identifies as such as well. The same things you mention above, fit her just as well as you say it does to you.

Without getting into arguments about whether this is real or imagined, or if asexuality is an excuse for being LD, or even gay, I can say it's incredibly difficult to live with someone who identifies as asexual.

I have no doubt that it's a real thing, and what research I've done indicates that there are more sub-labels than you can shake a stick at when it comes to identifying as asexual. Some hate sex and avoid it. Some actually love sex, but don't require, desire, or otherwise chase it, even when single. My wife seems to fit the latter model. She's a beast in bed, is multi-orgasmic, talented, not at all shy, and we've done it, and do it, all. When it's over, it's over. There's no cuddling or talking or emotions. She'll say good night and roll over, or get dressed and go back to whatever she was doing before. And if I don't initiate sex with her, it will not, and would not happen, ever. Ever.

Talking to her about sex is like talking to an 11 year old - she gets all embarrassed and changes the subject. She can't say words (that would be censored on this site) without being awkward, or even giggling.

Way back in the beginning of our relationship, I had a porno on DVD, that I got free with something I had purchased at a sex shop. I thought it would be fun for us to sit down and watch it, which she agreed to (Amazingly. But this was also within the first few months of our relationship). I've never seen somebody be so uncomfortable like that in my life, and, like you said above, she cracked jokes and otherwise made fun of it. It lasted maybe 5 minutes before I turned it off. No problem it's not for everybody.

She has never told me I'm sexy, or attractive, or anything like that. The best I've ever gotten from her is "you look handsome in that", when I dress up in a suit for something. She's never commented on my body, or my penis. I once asked her about that, and she said they all look the same. Which I suppose they do, but you know. I guess all boobs look the same, too?

But over all, it's the little things like that, that get to the other partner over time. Things that are not AT ALL important to her (or you) but can be to the other person. It's one thing to live with somebody who is more or less sexually available, provided I do the initiating 100% the time. That can be lived with, and even negated, as (at least in my case) the sex is so good.

But it's the little things like that, the general non-attraction, or lack of attraction, even if it's universal, and not just directed at me. It doesn't matter if she's not attracted to anybody else, she's not attracted to ME, and that sucks. It's especially difficult being around other couples who clearly have this attraction for one another, and openly say, or show it, in front of us. I don't have that.

Your two options of either open marriage or divorce, however, are wrong. I don't want either. I DO accept my wife for being the way she is. I know that she makes up for it in other ways, and that she does love me. I have no interest in being with anybody else sexually, or losing her, or both. I'm still very much attracted to her, including physically. Yes, it sucks that when I show this attraction to her, it goes right over her head, but it is what it is.

I'm not sure I'd feel the same way if she had an aversion to sex, however, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Luckily, she doesn't. It's simply not on her radar, or something that's particularly important to her in the slightest. But there IS sex, and it's good.

So from the sounds of it, you don't have an aversion to sex, which is great. Your husband, however, is going to have to adjust to what will amount to a reactive desire on your part. It was difficult for me to adjust to this, even though in retrospect, it was always the case. This entire conversation basically started with me pointing out that I was the one initiating sex almost all of the time. One thing led to another, and here we are.

So my advice to you is that you understand that sex IS important to your husband, even if it's not to you. Don't reject his advances (unless you have a real reason to), and don't ever make him feel like you think he only wants one thing. It's extremely easy for you to get into that mindset - that all he wants is sex. My wife and I went through that, and we came out the other side, luckily. She now knows that sex is important to a relationship, and that it's not just me who's some crazy pervert who's always thinking of her boobs. In other words, don't negate his feelings, just as you'd expect him not to negate yours.

Second of all, and this may be difficult, but remember to compliment him physically and sexually, even if you have to force yourself. Don't lie, of course, but if he satisfies you, makes your orgasm, and it's good, then tell him. If intercourse feels good (ie. his penis in your vagina), then tell him it feels good. If you have a particularly strong orgasm one night, tell him. That sort of thing.

The issue is that those things are not on your mind, or even your radar. It's foreign to you. To you, his penis is just a penis, and you can't tell the difference between one and the other. They all do the same thing, more or less. To him, it's personal. It's his, and he needs to hear that it's special, that HE'S special. That he's good in bed (if he is... don't lie!) or that that one move he has drives you crazy. Tell him.

And unless you're averse to touch - touch him. Feel his chest, even when you're not having sex. Rub his thigh, grab his butt, and yes - touch his penis. Again, these are not things that you think of doing, because you derive no pleasure from it. But he does. It indicates to him that he is important to you, and that you are thinking of him.

With any luck, you'll never have to actually initiate sex, because simple touching like that will get him going, and he'll do the rest.

It IS something you (and he) can live with, as long as you two are on the same page and work around it. Divorce or an open marriage are not the only options.

Bottom line - if you are asexual, then you need to adjust your way of thinking. You will never become sexual in the way that the rest of us are, so don't bother trying to fix yourself, but like any issue that comes up in life, one has to adjust and understand that the vast majority of people need, require and desire not just sex, but sexual affirmation from their partners. It won't be easy, but you most definitely have to adjust the way you think about the subject.
 
#7 · (Edited)
I don't think I'm low drive. I'm 24 and very healthy. I just can't ever remember feeling a sex drive EXCEPT if I was emotionally turned in, if u know what I mean.

Great advice. However, here's the problem. My husband know I could do things to boost his confidence, stroke his eho, make him feel masculine, make him feel validated sexually, etc...

But he know I just don't naurrally feel that, and he can't get over it. I could donjt, but he now knows that I'm only doing it for him, that I don't care or derive pleasure. That's what he needs. My efforts would not accomplish much because its out in the open, he knows now...he wants me to feel it inside, like a burning fire, a unquenchable desire and I'd that's not there, nothing I do will make him much happier. He feels I'd be pretending. And who wants that?

Hence why I feel there's only two options.
 
#162 · (Edited)
First than you for posting and starting this thread.

As a 66 year old man married for over 44 years to the same woman and who has been in a sex starved marriage, and who fought to save that marriage, and is having sex with my wife twice a week, thanks to the help of a sex therapist, some great counselors, great books and great advice from people in a similar situation, I think I can understand some of what your H feels.

I also am learning so much from the recent posts about asexuality and it is challenging a lot of my beliefs and views to the core.

Still, I would like to offer you a few observations and thoughts, based on my experience, which may be different than yours or your H's.

I think that there are more than two options.

...However, here's the problem. My husband know I could do things to boost his confidence, stroke his eho, make him feel masculine, make him feel validated sexually, etc...

But he know I just don't naurrally feel that, and he can't get over it. I could donjt, but he now knows that I'm only doing it for him, that I don't care or derive pleasure. That's what he needs. My efforts would not accomplish much because its out in the open, he knows now...he wants me to feel it inside, like a burning fire, a unquenchable desire and I'd that's not there, nothing I do will make him much happier. He feels I'd be pretending. And who wants that?

Hence why I feel there's only two options.
As has been pointed out there are other options.

...Perhaps I do need to go into a doctor or therapist. I will talk to husband about that to see if finances allow. I'm a stay at home mom, be works.

....But a dr could maybe check hirmine levels a d a therapist would at least provide someone to talk to. I feel I have no one to talk to about this. So few people identify with this and many people don't even think it's really and legitimate.

After talking about it last night, my husband wants to go down the path of open marriage to get his needs met. .....In the mean time, he just wants us to continue as we are, for me to do my best, and if the right opportunity came about, he'dd want to feel free to take it.

....I'm trying to justify this and be ok with this. I tell myself...as long as its only once in awhile, not in our home, I don't know about it, etc. But I fear once he gets a taste, he will want to leave me. Or he'll end up developing feelings.

....But I find myself accepting this because we can not and don't want a divorce. He says he wants to be with me and wants this from me, but he can't go on feeling unfulfilled like he has for so long.

....Is this all crazy and destined to fail?
Going to a therapist for someone to talk to is really pretty expensive. There are a lot of good sex therapists out there and they really can help people deal with sexual problems in marriage. That is what they have been trained to do and certified to do. They helped my wife and me. They have lots of exercises that the two of you can do to help you get more comfortable with each other and build a stronger relationship.

I think that the open marriage option is likely to fail and you are absolutely correct in your instincts.

You H says he is looking for passion and to be desired and feels that even if your role play that it will not be enough. This means that a professional sex worker who roll played with your H would not be able to satisfy him. This line of thinking requires a real woman to fall in love with your H and give him the passion he desires and yet....after sex they both walk away from each other so that your marriage to your H is not damaged. That just will not happen.

If he needs passion and is going out to find passion, he will likely find it at some point. If he just wants sex, the two of your can work something out so he gets his sex.

My husband was reading these posts tonight and we went through them together. He felt this advice and possible solution was the most sound and resonates with him the most.

So now my husband says that he wants me to pour myself into fixing this, changing this for awhile. Make it my mission, my life's work so to speak for a while.

I know that this is the best option and the first step I should take. The least destructive of the three and the most fruitful solution, as in bringing us together and fostering growth and inspiring love and passion. The solution that I cant go wrong with, the most positively enriching for my life. Yet I feel myself fighting it and pushing back. I don't want to. It feels unfair, dreadful, and daunting. And I shouldn't feel that way. It's like, whats wrong with me? I don't feel that way in any area of my life when it comes to bettering myself, but this seems to be out of my reach or something.

But I still want this, I want to do it for my husband and for us. Not for me, but maybe that will change with work. As mystical as this sounds, I can not allow my inner child fighting this with every fiber of my being to win. I'm better than that, I believe. I have to know I've done everything I can before resorting to other option or I will feel I've let myself down and not stayed true to my vows.

But this feels so big and scary and being me and unreachable....where do I begin? It's like a new world. I known im asking for instruction on something that should not have to be explained...that is the problem. But without it, I know I will fail. So any help is appreciated.

Thank you everyone for your responses! It have me and husband lots to think about.
It sounds like you are now considering a 3rd option, which is to try to change. Congratulations!

First you are not broken and don't need to be "fixed." However, you are human and as a human you can always grow and change in some ways, if you put your heart into it. That is something I really believe in, as I have changed myself in many ways.

My I suggest that you start reading some books by David Schnarch. His two most famous (and hard to read books) are the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible. I would recommend something newer by him.

His view is the Marriage is extremely hard work. Marriage takes two people and through great trials and conflict welds (melts two different metals by high heat in a Crucible) them into a new and single entity. He feels that the struggle, if the marriage succeeds, produces growth in both parties. He feels that growth and stretching yourself to be the best you can be is critical. He feels that self-soothing is critical to the process of change. He feels that self-differentiation (finding your true, improved, best and most integrated you) is also critical. That often two people in a marriage develop at different rates and that creates problems.

He has some exercises on intimacy that scare the heck out of most people. My wife once told me our marriage lacked the intimacy she wanted. I showed her the book and the exercises, and they scared her to the core. She told me that the "Naked, eyes open extended hugging and kissing in silence" was too much intimacy and that she really didn't want all that much intimacy. Schnarch would say that she could not stretch herself and couldn't self-soothe enough to get past her fear of being vulnerable and open.

Other things you might want to research in your trying to grow or change how you interact with your H include self hypnosis, visualization, and doing words/phrases of affirmation. Many people use these techniques to deal with major life changes, such as weight loss, stopping smoking, recovering from grieving, etc. Again, there is nothing broken with you. You did say you want to change yourself and the way you interact with your H.

Related to these things is something call Conditioned Response. B. F. Skinner is famous for his work on Operant Conditioning.

You and others may think that I am suggesting you become a "Stepford Wife," but I am not. You have said that you feel your best option is working on yourself to please your H and you want to give it a try, but it seems too big and overwhelming.

I am trying to provide you with some ideas on how to accomplish what you want and make it a little less overwhelming.

Another piece of advice is to work with your H on dividing up some of the change the two of you want into small pieces.

For example, let's say he wants you have him seduce him and initiate sex. Rather than all that at once. Maybe you could visualize greeting him at the door when he gets home with a hug. When that is something you can do and you are comfortable with it, because it pleases him and you can self-soothe sufficiently that it no longer makes you uncomfortable, you can kick it up a notch. Say sit next to him on the sofa and put your arms around him (sort of hug-like), but give him a french kiss. After you get comfortable with that during a different week, kick it up another notch, by say unbuttoning your or his shirt, etc. Divide things into steps. Work on each step until it becomes something you can do and not be repelled by. Reward yourself for achieving and completing each step with something that makes you feel really good!

Schnarch's concept of stretching and self-soothing as a path to marital change is an interesting approach. Marriage is hard work, if it is to succeed.

Good luck to you. Fight for your marriage, have faith in yourself. Learn to love yourself and the skills and abilities you have. Those you aren't happy with you can work on changing, if it is what you choose to do.
 
#10 · (Edited)
Alexm, very informative and we'll put response. I was afraid to post here because I felt everyone would misunderstand. Asexuality is taboo, not widely talked about, and some people refuse to acknowledge its real. They think you're gay or low sex drive or etc.

I know I'm not gay. I only like men.
My sex drive totally hinges on how emotionally connected I'm feeling in the moment. And even then, I don't initiate it because it's not THAT important. The moment passes and I move on. Othrt people have to satisfy that craving, capitalize on the feeling. For me, its fleeting and it I do kt to feel connected. It sartisfies an emotional need, but thats it. I can remember being very turned by my husband when we made love or just experienced an outpouring of emotions.

I don't care to orgasm either. It's too much work and I find it uncomfortable.

I don't know if this can be diagnosed by a doctor. From what I read, its something you identify with, like homosexuality or heterosexuality. It is an orientation. I don't think much people understand.
 
#11 ·
Asexuality:
Asexuality (or nonsexuality)[1][2][3] is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual activity.[4][5][6] It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality.[7][8][9] A study in 2004 placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1% in the British population.[7][10]

Asexuality is distinct from abstention from sexual activity and from celibacy,[11][12] which are behavioral and generally motivated by factors such as an individual's personal or religious beliefs.[13] Sexual orientation, unlike sexual behavior, is believed to be "enduring."[14] Some asexual people engage in sexual activity despite lacking a desire for sex or sexual attraction, due to a variety of reasons, such as a desire to pleasure themselves or romantic partners, or a desire to have children.
Just be cautious, is all I'm saying.

I had one of my friend's swear that his wife was asexual, and she claimed to be "just over sex." Dug into the asexual literature, even. Counsellors, whole bit.

And then, a few months later, she hit on me.

I'm not saying you can't be. I'm saying that this seems to be something in the nature of 1% of the population... and for some, it comes and goes.

Good stuff here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality
 
#30 ·
Asexuality:


Just be cautious, is all I'm saying.

I had one of my friend's swear that his wife was asexual, and she claimed to be "just over sex." Dug into the asexual literature, even. Counsellors, whole bit.

And then, a few months later, she hit on me.
Again, not disagreeing with you, but... :)

The fact that she hit on you still doesn't mean she's not asexual. It doesn't mean she finds you physically attractive. She may find you attractive in other ways, and she's been taught that that's how you land somebody (which it is, effectively).

My wife has had a lot of sex partners in her lifetime. Not ridiculous numbers, but more than one would assume somebody who identifies as asexual would have. But again, sex is just something one does - and that is/was her thought on the subject. She also finds it pleasurable, and having sex is what you're supposed to do with a partner.

It really depends on the personality of the person. So if you were to talk to my wife, she'd tell you she had sex with people for the same reasons others do - it's fun, it makes you feel wanted, desired, needed, etc. But the part that asexual people don't have, that you and I do, is the need for you, yourself, to scratch that itch. Nor do they require a strong physical attraction to someone.

So if this woman hit on you it's not necessarily because she really wants to nail you, or finds you so hot she must bed you, or is thinking about you naked. It's entirely possible that she was practicing, so to speak, or after something else, and this is how she knew how to go about it.

Maybe she felt so lonely after she told her husband about her issue and he neglected her because of it. What's the easiest way to get that ego boost back?
 
#12 ·
Have faith. I thought I was asexual too. Till I met this great lady, who made me feel like a superhero in bed. It was a real boost to my sexual confidence, which made all the difference.

It was what they call a sexual awakening. Unless it happens to you, it's very hard to describe it.
 
#14 ·
I would bet money this is how her husband assumes she is. That she "thinks" she's asexual, but the reality is that she's just not turned on by him. But if she met the right person she'd all of a sudden find her drive. Frankly that's how I would take it too, and I wouldn't be willing to accept it. As she says, divorce or open marriage would be the only acceptable alternatives if she can't bring herself to making him feel like a rock star in bed.
 
#21 ·
Good evening
Sex is critically important to the happiness of many people. If the husband is one of these people, he will never get used to, or be happy without sex. He may try, but he will be miserable in the long run, and neither of you wants that.

Is there anything the husband can do, or not do to be sexually attractive to the wife? I assume you have discussed this and there really isn't anything. It is worth trying everthing you can think of.

I do believe that asexuality exists, and in varying degrees, just like hetero and homosexuality. Like those it is probably difficult or impossible to change.

This is no one's fault, but it is a really miserable situation. What are the options:


Open marriage: This very rarely works. The problem is that most people find sex to be very emotionally bonding and that eventually erodes the marriage. Even for people who think this will work, it rarely does. (I know 2 couples who tried and it was a disaster for both).

Just do a service: If the wife doesn't mind sex, even if she doesn't want it, she can do it anyway. This might work, but it is likely to leave her feeling used, and him not really getting the passionate partner that he wants.

Divorce: Well you are newlyweds you said. This really may be the best option. Then the wife can find someone who shares her lack of interest in sex. I know it sounds awful, but it may be better than the alternative.


I've lived in a badly mismatched marriage for 25 years now. Its miserable - a problem that never ends. My wife is only low desire, not asexual. I don't recommend this solution.
 
#24 ·
I'm honestly about to cry because I can't believe this has happened. My 5 month marriage could be in the brink of divorce already. We were just arguing about it....he agreed that divorce or open marriage are the only options.

Now appeasing him or giving in, trying to find a way to capture some semblance of sexy, will not work. My husband does not care about just having his physical needs met and getting it off. He needs someone who is sensual by nature. It has to feel spontaneous and natural for him, not forced. Any compromise in that area will never work.

I am so desperate for someone to give me hope here.
 
#25 ·
I am so desperate for someone to give me hope here.
Wish I could help you out, but this is a pretty common theme 'round here. Unenthusiastic duty sex is a sham that most people can see right through.

If sex is important to him, as it is to most young married people, then you're at a crossroads. It's real, and it won't just go away. Better to face it down now rather than later.
 
#27 ·
We are most assuredly a society of labels. We have a syndrome, dystrophy, complex, disease, disorder or condition for everything that ails us. We have become obsessed with labels to define and explain our oddities and idiosyncrasies. Perhaps if we put as much effort into solving whatever particular malady we believe we have as we put into defining, explaining and diagnosing it many of our "problems" would go away.

I have diagnosed myself as alaborial. I have no interest in, desire for, motivation to nor fondness of manual labor, in fact, I have a significant dislike for it and yet I have spent most of my life performing it. If only I had been diagnosed earlier in life then I could have laid around and spent my life in a reclined position and would not have had to worry about being called unmotivated, slothful and lazy. Whenever someone would have told me I was lazy I could have informed them that I am not lazy, I am alaborial. I can only hope that modern medicine will have a pharmaceutical answer to my problem in the near future.

Must we not, at some point, come to the realization that labeling ourselves in an effort to alleviate accountability is damaging to us, our relationships and society as a whole. I spend time on the CWI board and am perplexed as to why all wayward spouses have not been diagnosed with afaithfullness syndrome. It would relieve them of all accountability and we would be unable to scorn them since they are "sick" and to do so would be insensitive and cruel.

Life gives us what it gives us and it is up to each of us to make the very best of it that we can, label or not. The label only relieves us of obligation in our own mind, in reality however, we are still very much obliged.

I really mean no malice herein but I simply believe that this obsession with blaming something for our inabilities is sorely damaging our society and its members. If anyone deems me to be unkind and wishes to ridicule me, I must inform you that I have recently researched on the internet and believe that I suffer from asensitivity disorder. A medicinal treatment is currently being tested by the FDA.


Really?
 
#28 ·
Very Interesting perspective and thoughts from the last poster....can't remember username.

If there's a way I can overcome this, I will do it! I want to do whatever it takes. The problem is that he knows me too well, be can see right thru me. He knows the sensuality side of me is missing. I could whip out all sorts of crazy sexual things, but he would know I'm doing it for him not for me. And that's what he cant accept, understandably. If it's not natural, it won't make a difference.

So if it's a false label and I can remedy it, how do I make myself "sexual"?
 
#29 ·
OP,
As with anything worthwhile it will require work, diligence and resourcefulness. The internet can be a wonderful resource and a damning curse, choose which you want it to be for you.

Study and research all you can about human sexuality. You may not have quite the natural propensity that many others have but do not give up until you exhaust any and all resources. Do not be afraid to explore your sexuality, there is no condemnation, only discovery. See as your goal a marriage happy and strong.

I believe you will find the root cause for your "indifference". Perhaps then counseling, if you can find a good sexual therapist. Your H will see your sincere desire and it will be "natural" even if the sex isn't....at first, but in time......you may find a more sexual being inside you than you ever thought possible.

Allow me to leave you with this quote: If a person wants to do something badly enough, they will find a way - If not, they will find an excuse.

I wish you every success and if you are sincere about your desire, I believe you will find it.
 
#31 ·
I have been off sexually for all my adult life.
So, you've known for awhile now, probably since puberty?

So what do I do now? My husband has always known that I was different or that something was off, but he didn't know what.
And you certainly didn't tell him, did you? Why not? Selfishness? You wanted a man, and to be married and whatever chump you chose is just going to have to accept it.

Sorry for being blunt, but I can easily put myself in your husband's shoes. I'd be tossing about accusations of fraud, dishonesty, selfishness, etc.

You seem to just accept the idea that ''it's my orientation, so I'm helpless against it''…..I don't buy it….you bought into ''out'' very easily.
 
#32 ·
So, you've known for awhile now, probably since puberty?

And you certainly didn't tell him, did you? Why not? Selfishness? You wanted a man, and to be married and whatever chump you chose is just going to have to accept it.

Sorry for being blunt, but I can easily put myself in your husband's shoes. I'd be tossing about accusations of fraud, dishonesty, selfishness, etc.

You seem to just accept the idea that ''it's my orientation, so I'm helpless against it''…..I don't buy it….you bought into ''out'' very easily.
That is pretty harsh. From the original post, it appears that she didn't know she was asexual until very recently, so how could she have told him that?

But he does need to know what is going on, after she has made sure she really fits that profile, preferably with some outside counseling.
 
#39 ·
OP, after going back and reading your earlier threads, I would say I think you need to be very, very, cautious in deciding that you are asexual. It is not uncommon for women to have responsive desire. It's also not uncommon for women to not want to have sex with men they don't like and respect. A parent/child dynamic, which you and your husband seem to have in spades, is often times very toxic to a romantic relationship. As is having a partner who's decided that something's wrong with you and is demanding that you "fix yourself" to be more in-line with what he or she thinks you "should" be - particularly if what you "should" be is the perpetually submissive teen your older partner initially chose.

I think it's perhaps premature to decide you're asexual without consulting with a sex therapist who has some experience with the issue. It's entirely possible you are asexual. Some people genuinely are. But I think it's also entirely possible that your relationship (which you've been in since age 18) is just bad enough that you don't desire your husband. It's possible that in a good relationship, in which your emotional needs are being met, you might be not just able, but entirely willing and eager, to have a mutually fulfilling sex life.
 
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#49 · (Edited)
Again, though, you'll need to explain the lack of attraction to anybody of either gender - which is what asexuality is truly about. It's not about SEX, it's about not being attracted to, or desiring sex with anybody.

That's what asexuality actually is, and that's the one universal amongst anybody who identifies as such. Everything else can be variable (ie. some asexuals like sex, some hate it, some are afraid of it, some will even seek it out, some masturbate, some do not, etc.)

But what they all have in common is that they do not feel physical or sexual attraction to either gender, at all, ever, and never have. Just as heterosexual people do not have physical or sexual attraction to the same sex, asexuals do not have that for either sex.

You know how I know I'm heterosexual? Because I don't get turned on by men. I don't see a man and have sexy thoughts. I don't get sexually aroused by seeing men. I have no DESIRE to have sex with a man. But - I am not against it or opposed to it - I've just never done it.

Furthermore, as I said above in regards to asexuality, there is a spectrum to this. I am not repulsed by the thought of having sex with a man, or by seeing another man's penis. I don't think it's disgusting, or gross, or wrong. I just have no desire to engage in a sexual act with a man, nor would I be offended if a man hit on me. However, there are many heterosexual men that cringe at the thought of homosexual sex, or the sight of a penis.

Some people are attracted to their own sex, some are attracted to the opposite sex, some are attracted to both sexes. So why is it so difficult to fathom that - ba ba baaaa! - some people aren't attracted to either?

OP has clearly stated that she has never felt any physical or sexual attraction to anybody, not just her husband, so it's not him. Nor, do I believe, has she felt any attraction to the same sex. Therefore...
 
#41 · (Edited)
I suggest you investigate further before concluding you are asexual. Unless you're had a full hormone workup, you can't rule out a physical cause. I also suggest some IC with someone who has some knowledge in this area, before concluding anything or deciding anything about your marriage.

Now, if you truly are asexual, what - if anything - you can do that will work for you and your husband is the next issue. I doubt that an open marriage will work for long, as eventually he will meet someone he likes who is sexual in the ways he desires, and that may be the end of your marriage. IMO, it would be better in the long run to divorce and remain good friends if you truly like each other aside from this issue.
 
#43 · (Edited)
Badinbed...to answer your question, our young son is the only one who lives with us. We just moved out of our home state, the 3 of us. The girls live back home with their mom. We talk on the phone and are going to fly them down here, but that's about it. However, we are a happily blended family. Our son loves his sisters and the girls view me as a motherly figure. It's not always easy, but I'm thankful.

Perhaps I do need to go into a doctor or therapist. I will talk to husband about that to see if finances allow. I'm a stay at home mom, be works. But he feels confident and that I am assxual, and doesn't think I need some kind of diagnosis. He believes its the truth. But a dr could maybe check hirmine levels a d a therapist would at least provide someone to talk to. I feel I have no one to talk to about this. So few people identify with this and many people don't even think it's really and legitimate.

After talking about it last night, my husband wants to go down the path of open marriage to get his needs met. There would be no setting up of online profiles, more like going to meet ups to meet a woman and put it together. He doesn't know how often or when, as he works lot and any free time is spent with me and our son. We also just moved somewhere where we don't know anyone and have no friends. In the mean time, he just wants us to continue as we are, for me to do my best, and if the right opportunity came about, he'dd want to feel free to take it.

He feels trapped and stuck. He doesn't think its fair he should have to just accept this forever. He did know that something was wrong or missing shen he proposed...he's known forever. He married me anyway, hoping it would change. And now we discovered this.

I'm trying to justify this and be ok with this. I tell myself...as long as its only once in awhile, not in our home, I don't know about it, etc. But I fear once he gets a taste, he will want to leave me. Or he'll end up developing feelings. He says I should trust it'll be OK, but I don't think I do. He has been so driven by sex in the past, that I don't know if he could keep it it check.

But I find myself accepting this because we can not and don't want a divorce. He says he wants to be with me and wants this from me, but he can't go on feeling unfulfilled like he has for so long. He has always felt a drive to sleep look elsewhere, but now we know why. He wasn't just being an ass and a bad person.

Is this all crazy and destined to fail?
 
#44 ·
My response to this may be a little off and not what you expected, but here goes.

Sounds like your husband wants you to be diagnosed as asexual vs. just plain LD so that he can go out and get some on the side. It's easy for him to say, "yep, it's final, you're asexual and there is nothing we can do about it. I don't want to get a divorce. It's nice to have you here cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kid. If you want to get ahold of me I'll be at the bar down the street getting some strange."

Sounds half baked to me. More than likely you're just LD with responsive desire. Maybe if your husband gets off his asss and works together with you things can get better. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

Just my 2cents.
 
#45 ·
I haven't read all the replys yet so just trying to help the OP:

Visit a website called "AVEN" for more insight & personal experiences with asexuality. It IS a sexual orientation & it IS normal but there is a spectrum.

I am a 56 yr. old woman who is asexual. I have had plenty of partners & a long term (22 yrs.) marriage & am in my 2nd marriage of 5 years. I have never felt sexual desire. I do have sex (some asexuals are sex-repulsed & do not engage) & like to please my partners/husband but I never initate & can only orgasm with a vibrator. Some sexual acts do repulse me so I don't engage in those that do.

I came to terms with my asexuality 2 yrs. ago. My 1st husband only wanted to get off & he was quick so sex with him was fine (the marriage ended for other reasons - I left him).

My current husband wants to be desired, wants to do the sexual acts that repulse me & takes over an hour to get off. Needless to say, we are incompatible in bed.

I have offered him a divorce (short marriage; no children together) & have opened up the marriage for him (not me - no desire). Next move is on him.

When you visit Aven, be sure to check out the sexuals with asexuals forum. Lots of couples find compromises that work for them.
 
#48 ·
He is complaining to you that he needs to feel desired by YOU. He won't accept your best effort to be sexual with him since he "knows" that you will be faking the desire part. He sealed the diagnosis as asexual. Now he wants an open marriage where he will occasionally go out and get what he needs (sexually desired). He wants to feel free to take the opportunity when it presents itself.

How the hell is he going to get the sexual desire that he is missing from you under this arrangement?

I am calling BS on his excuse to cheat!

He is gaslighting you so he can hit on anyone he feels like, blaming your undiagnosed asexuality.

For all I know you may be asexual, but having an open marriage will not give him what he claims is missing. He should be looking for a way to have that connection with his wife or SO. If he can't make that with you because he knows you will be faking it then he should do the right thing and let you be with someone that will appreciate you for who you are. In other words divorce.
 
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