frustratedhusband

My wife and I have been together 6 years, 3 of them married, we're both in our early 30's and we just started a family. Overall I think we're both happy, but our sex life has been tanking since about 6 months before we got married, coincedentally right after she moved in.

Before that we were intimate every time she stayed over, about 4-5 times a week, and we both loved it and we both very much sexually satisfied each other. My wife was a very openly sexual person w/me, and we talked/watched porn and introduced toys, all of which were very mutually agreed upon.

After she moved in, it pretty much went from 4-5 times/week to about once/twice a month, and that was w/me pushing it a lot. I wrote it off that we were both under a lot of stress at the time, we were both forced to start new jobs, and we also had the stress of planning our own wedding. But even after we got married 1-2 times a month was pretty much the status quo. Things didn't pick up until we decided to start a family, then it was more like 3/5 times/month.

We just started a family, have a son that's just over 4 months old, and since the night he was conceived, we've only done it twice, twice! Do the math, that's 2 times in over a year.
I've quit trying, I no longer know how to approach her/come on to her, I feel it's futile and I've told her so. Every time I do (and I mean EVERY time), she stops me and she feels bad b/c she feels like she's not doing what a wife should do, then I feel bad for making her feel bad.

At first she just asked me to be patient w/her, but after the 12th month of virtually no intimate relationship I pushed for us to go to a therapist. We went one session, the therapist was close to worthless, and we're in the process of finding another one. I'm trying to make it a priority, she keeps putting it off.
She has flat out told me that she has no desire whatsoever for sex, doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, nothing.

The most frustrating thing about this for me is that I'm a really good husband, and I mean a really good husband. I cook which she hardly ever does (maybe twice/week), I clean more than her (she hasn't cleaned a toilet in 2 years), I make really good $, I help out w/our son a LOT more than any of the other young fathers I know, I try to be romantic w/her and I have had a LOT of patience through all this, and still none of it matters. I don't nag her for not helping w/virtually any of the housekeeping at all, and I don't complain about her leaving all her stuff everywhere and not picking up after herslef. She still has no interest in sex whatsoever. She enjoys it once we start kissing and stuff, but has no desire whatsoever beforehand to even let me try to get her into the mood w/a little physical arousal.

She keeps blaming it on stress from work/life/the new baby, etc. On good days I'm fine w/it, I'm patient and don't push the subject. On bad days it's all I can think about, I get resentful and can be short if I'm pushed. Days like that are tough b/c we've talked about this issue a lot and I know she doesn't want to be this way, but doesn't know how to change.
The most frustrating thing about all this is that it all revolves around when she's interested in sex, and my desires/needs have no bearing on when we're intimate.

I know it's spiteful, but I'd really like to get her to the point where she really wants to do it, and then stop it just to prove a point. Like "see how you're feeling right now and how bad you want me, well you can't have me. Doesn't feel very gratifying does it, well that's how I've felt 5 days/week for the past year!"

The problem is that I'm so sex starved that every time (the whole 2 times during the last year) we do get to that point I don't have the will power to stop it.

Sorry for the rant, any advice would be appreciated. I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. But considering we're very young in both our marriage and physicall, I keep worrying that if this is the way it is now, what's it going to be like when we're in our 40's/50's? I can't keep living like this.

MrHappy

Welcome to the club You aren't alone. you can read more ofn these boards or ivillage has a mismatched libido board also.

A couple of things that come to mind to try besides the counseling your trying to do for both of you.

1) Sex-Starved Marriage book. Good for both of you to read.
2) Set aside time to pamper her with bath, massage, etc..
3) Couples porn if she likes it.

Unfortuanetly she controls the sex in the marriage being the low libido partner. Not much you can do. It doesn't sound like she has any problems with you and you are doing your fair share.

angus

I am in the exact situation with my husband...only our little boy is now two. I can count on one hand the number of times we have been intimate since he was concieved. I wish I had an answer for ya, hey if anything works let me know. I'm at a loss as well!

frustratedhusband

Thanks for the advice. I picked up the book you recommended over lunch and read the first few pages. Thanks, I need to read it first, but I think this might help.

I think we're sloooooowly going down the right track, just can't seem to make fixing our sexual issues a priority, but I do know that she doesn't like being like this either. I think we both have realistic expectations of what our sex life should be, twice a week or so. It's not like I'm expecting us to go back to 4-5 times/week like it was before. It'd be nice, but given all the extra responsibility we have in our life now, I think it would be unrealistic.

Anyway, thanks again, hope it helps.

draconis

First question I would ask is what changed when she moved in? Did you date before and now just the mundane? Really think and I will respond by this.

draconis

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iian

Where she doesn't go the arousal route I think making a sex schedule with her would be worth a try. I think she already knows how important sex is and how much it's bothering you. Now just try to set a date.

If you make a schedule, that also allows you to be physical with your wife without the added pressure that she may think you're trying to seduce her. Just sitting closely, cuddling, hugging, light kisses could also help you make it through until the scheduled day arrives.

I don't think your wife sees sex as a way to reward you for being a good husband, so those two ideas shouldn't be associated. She hasn't been doing it and has just let you built up frustration, that's the real problem. It kind of sounds like she is trying to be an understanding wife but when it comes to sex, something is in the way. It sounds like maybe there are other problems with her that are causing the sex problem and that's what needs to be looked at.

I know you haven't gone through every detail of yours and your wife's lives, but there might be a couple other areas that could be a problem. With you doing all the housework, cooking and spending some time with the kids what could possibly be so stressful about her life? You're doing a lot to make sure she doesn't get a lot of stress. Maybe she also needs a way to relieve stress though.

For women there are a lot of factors when it comes to sex whereas for men it's rather simple. Maybe she hates her job and she needs a career change.. Maybe she's bored and she needs to have more fun.. Maybe you two need some hobbies to enjoy together.. Maybe she needs to get out of the house with you more because of the responsibility of having a family.. I'm just stabbing in the dark but I think there are more things to consider.

Even if she says she doesn't have a sex drive, I think she would still enjoy the emotional connection that comes from sex. So again, you might want to try to make a schedule for once a month or whatever's reasonable for her and you. And if she really understands how important sex is for you, I think she'd be willing to gradually increase the frequency as time goes by.

kris08

This is almost the exact story of my husband and myself, except I'm reading these boards to get a feeling for what he's going through. We've been together 5 years, the sex died after we had our first son. I don't know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. When you become a mom, all energy goes from being a couple and being the woman you want to be, to being a mom. It's hard to get turned on knowing you might get interrupted half way through, or when you can't even stand the sight of yourself in the mirror, I don't know what's there my husband would want to see, everything's not where it used to be.
I think the worst thing that he doesn't understand is that if I know he's doing things, or trying to be nice to get layed, although he loves me and his niceness is sincere, it's another thing on my to-do list, one more person that needs something from me. It would be great to get pampered or feel cherished, no strings attached. I wouldn't feel so defensive every time he brought flowers home or offered me a "massage."
The sad thing is that I want to have a sex drive, I want to want it, but for some reason it's not there. I feel horrible he's not getting attention from me and guilt doesn't help when you're trying to be sexy. The only thing I've found that helps, which is probably totally unhealthy, is when I want to have sex with my husband and not force through the acts, I'll have a couple of drinks. I love my husband, I still think he's attractive, I just can't get my mind and body thinking the way I want it to without a little help.
I think the biggest thing that could help is make her feel cherished, no strings attached. And as far as only getting it when she feels like it, never on your terms, it's not a game for us, we can't help feeling the way we do, so don't take it personally, it's a horrible feeling to know you're not fulfilling the needs of the person you love.
Hope this helps someone!

kris08

Oh and about scheduling sex, I know a lot of people say it works, maybe for some it does, but to me you'd just be adding to my to-do list, the list of everything everyone else needs from me. Maybe wives should make a schedule of when there husbands need to say something nice...I guess I just am not feeling the scheduling thing.

Adventure Girl

Remember, sex for women is (most of the time) an emotional connection. If she feels you aren't paying attention to her emotional needs (consoling her when she's upset, complimenting her, telling her you love her), she will have a loss of libido.

MrHappy

frustratedhusband: Good luck. Hope the book helps.

kris08: Glad to hear your viewpoint. I'll offer mine back as a high libido person in case it helps. Of course there can be many causes and layers of causes to have a lower libido. I think for this problem, mine, and similar men, we just feel neglected. Wives get busy with jobs, kids, life, etc and not with the husband. We go from a girlfriend who demands much time from us to a wife/mom who now doesn't and we have become way more reliant on that closeness than when we were a boyfriend.
Most of us are geared for physical comfort. Be it kissing, touching, or sex. Most husbands don't have sex for the actual "sex" part of it, but do it to be close to the one we love. There is a lot going on besides just the sex. It is the smell of our loved one, the feel of them, the happiness we give them and then lastly the love/physical contact we get returned. One of my pet peeves is my wife hates to be continously hugged (and sometimes felt up ). Mainly I just miss the smell of her and the reasurance that she is mine and there. I know she is safe and I am there to protect her.
When you take aways the physical it is like cutting a phone cord. We will attempt to converse but when we receive nothing back we are lost and clueless what to do. We can give flowers, massages, etc but without the return comfort it is empty for us.

P.S. Reading this back for errors seems to only convey about a 10th of the depth of feelings I was thinking at the time.

kris08

"Most husbands don't have sex for the actual "sex" part of it, but do it to be close to the one we love. There is a lot going on besides just the sex. It is the smell of our loved one, the feel of them, the happiness we give them and then lastly the love/physical contact we get returned. One of my pet peeves is my wife hates to be continously hugged (and sometimes felt up ). Mainly I just miss the smell of her and the reasurance that she is mine and there. I know she is safe and I am there to protect her."

You've managed to put this in away I haven't heard anyone else say other than my husband...and at the time I thought he was full of crap He always talks about being close, and I'm thinking, hug me, cuddle, we don't always have to go all the way...but that involves no return comfort for him...makes you think, thank you so much for explaining!

nae372

This is weird b/c I'm a 26 yr old woman on the opposite side to where my fiance won't have sex with me. 6 mths. into pregnancy the sex stopped for the most part. We went from having sex a couple times a day if not more, to two times a month if I'm lucky. I have what I would call a healthy sex drive at 26. I'm a mother of a 2 1/2 yr old and am a stay at home mom. I clean my butt off all the time( I'm borderline obsessive compulsive about my house being spotless) to be unapreciated, I am in school for nursing with a 3.5 GPA, that I've held through the entire time. Still I don't know what more I can do to make him want to have sex with me.

I have talked with him till I'm blue in the face about not having sex and how not having intimacy hurts me.

I'm not as skinny as I used to be but I still have plenty of people who compliment me on how I look and how the same guys are attracted to me at a bigger size as they were when I was smaller. I'm saying this b/c I don't know if it's some issue he has and won't admit or what?

I don't understand. I treat him with respect and do as much as I can for him and have pleaded with him that I need that emotional part of a relationship or I don't think we can get married b/c I can't live my life like I'm 80... He just tells me he's stressed and that 's why. It's not because of anyone else b/c he has no time.

I haven't cheated on him and never would, but I'm getting to the point to where I feel as though I am falling out of love with him because he wants nothing to do with me. He was once the romantic guy that bought me flowers all the time, told me how much he loved me, you know, made me feel like I was #1, now I feel like scum on a shoe.

What do I do when talking won't work?

I'm sorry you are on the other side. It sucks from either place your coming from. I don't know if this will help you, maybe someone will see it and help us both- maybe if we're lucky!

MrHappy

nae372:
Sorry you have a similar problem. It is a tough thing.

Do you know what changed for him about the time you were pregnant or after? Job change? He said he is stressed so that might be the actual problem. One problem I have with my wife stemmed from a promotion and more responsibily at her job. I am passive-aggressive and after the job change it got on her nerves because she also had to deal with personel under her at work and then come home to me. I am trying to change that.

Unfortunately, you don't have many options. You can continue to try to talk to him, live with it (yea right ), or threaten to leave him and follow through if there is no change. Sometimes the threat is the only thing to get some to actually open their eyes that the problem is severe. I think my wife was a little stunned when I acknowledged I thought about divorce.

StrongEnough

Nothing would turn me off more than penciling in sex on my calendar.

cheewagacheewaga

And that's probably the problem. I read in a scientific article that women use sex as a bargaining tool. It's natural. So stop being perfect and you two can negotiate with sex. I'm not joking, by the way, and I'm not saying it'll always work, either!

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