sexless marriage

southerngirl210 · 07-30-2011, 11:58 AM

we've been together 13 years. have one child. i know i love my husband but there is no passion and i have no desire to have any type of physical contact with him. he says he needs sex, which i understand. when we do have sex, its because i am drunk or just get tired of him begging and just give in and lay there. but i dont enjoy sex with him anymore. we have had a lot of problems for the most part of our relationship/marriage. my fault and his. i love him, just not in love with him i dont think. are we too far gone?

notaname · 07-30-2011, 01:16 PM

Can you pinpoint why you aren't attracted to him?

southerngirl210 · 07-30-2011, 05:14 PM

few things... part of the way he has treated me, lots of verbal and emotional/mental abuse kinda. never really shows any interest in the little things like holding hands or hugging/kissing for no reason WITHOUT it leading to something more. the sex is just boring. sounds stupid, but he doesnt make me feel sexy or beautiful or wanted, except when he wants to get off.

i do feel horrible bc i know sex is a huge part of a relationship. but its almost like whenever we do have it, i find myself resenting him bc i gave in and gave him what he wanted... just to shut him up.

notaname · 07-30-2011, 07:00 PM

Does he know that your needs aren't being met?

You can do things to increase your libido, but they will not fix the other problems. That is where I am at right now. I have gone from zero drive to more drive than spouse, but all the other issues are still there.

Resentment is a sex drive and attraction killer. Those issues are going to have to be addressed and fixed in order to find out if you can become sexually attracted again. At least that is what is seems like from my experience.

Laurae1967 · 07-30-2011, 09:16 PM

Tell your husband that how he treats you is negatively impacting your attraction to him. Give him specific examples.

Since marriage is a dynamic between two people, you both have a role to play in improving the marriage. It is definitely possible to create more passion in your marriage.

Go see a marriage counselor (look for a psychologist) who can help you both figure out ways to treat each other better. It can really make all the difference.

When there is resentment (from unmet needs, destructive fighting, etc.) it is hard to have a good sex life or passion.

morituri · 07-30-2011, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngirl210

few things... part of the way he has treated me, lots of verbal and emotional/mental abuse kinda. never really shows any interest in the little things like holding hands or hugging/kissing for no reason WITHOUT it leading to something more. the sex is just boring. sounds stupid, but he doesnt make me feel sexy or beautiful or wanted, except when he wants to get off.

Was he always this way?

Stonewall · 07-31-2011, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurae1967

Tell your husband that how he treats you is negatively impacting your attraction to him. Give him specific examples.

Since marriage is a dynamic between two people, you both have a role to play in improving the marriage. It is definitely possible to create more passion in your marriage.

Go see a marriage counselor (look for a psychologist) who can help you both figure out ways to treat each other better. It can really make all the difference.

When there is resentment (from unmet needs, destructive fighting, etc.) it is hard to have a good sex life or passion.

Its really not that hard to treat each other well but it sounds like ya'll have a lot of issues that have built up over time. You need help to sort all that stuff out. You can get there but it takes time and effort on both parts.

southerngirl210 · 07-31-2011, 01:46 PM

No, things haven't always been this way. Things were really good in the beginning. He went out of his way to make me feel special and wanted and all of those things. After his dad killed himself things got worse. Anytime we'd fight, he'd threaten to kill himself. Talked down to me. Called me names, etc. I just built up a wall of anger and resentment towards him. We have sought out counseling and it helped us in realizing our own problems as individuals and he has made steps to change how he acts and treats me. I'm having a hard time of letting go of the past. I know in order for us to get through this, I'm going to have to. But I'm not one of those people that can separate sex and emotion. I have to feel some type of emotion to want it.

Enchantment · 08-01-2011, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngirl210

No, things haven't always been this way. Things were really good in the beginning. He went out of his way to make me feel special and wanted and all of those things. After his dad killed himself things got worse. Anytime we'd fight, he'd threaten to kill himself. Talked down to me. Called me names, etc. I just built up a wall of anger and resentment towards him. We have sought out counseling and it helped us in realizing our own problems as individuals and he has made steps to change how he acts and treats me. I'm having a hard time of letting go of the past. I know in order for us to get through this, I'm going to have to. But I'm not one of those people that can separate sex and emotion. I have to feel some type of emotion to want it.

I would suggest that you consider going back to counseling - at least for yourself. Forgetting is likely not going to happen, but forgiveness can happen, and you can forgive your husband.

Does your husband still act in this manner to you? It sounds like he was emotionally and verbally abusive to you, but if that is still ongoing it would seem unlikely to be able to forgive him.

You need to concentrate on getting yourself back - invest some time in your own hobbies and pursuits, work on getting to a place where you feel good about yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

Best wishes.