Originally Posted by Kathy121

Thanks for the info. I agree it's a give and take kind of thing. It's just hard to get into the mood to begin with, then if things aren't working well it's hard to stay in the mood.
Here's what I'm thinking of as a comprimise (let me know if you think I'm on the right track or if you think this might cause more problems) - I'll pick two or three nights a week for sex and I'll get myself going then call him in when I'm more ready. That way it's not his job to get me turned on and I'll be ready for him to touch me all over. In the meantime, I'll check out books and things we can read together about foreplay techniques (any suggestions? so far all I've found is books on positions). My hope is that by satisfying the immediate need, maybe we'll learn more about each other together? My only concern is that I don't want to have to rely on me getting myself ready all the time - I want him to learn what he can do to get me ready . . .
I think in terms of the relationship itself (spending time together, having date nights, communicating, etc.) things are pretty good . . . I just don't seem to feel a strong sexual connection in terms of me initiating naturally or responding to his initiations (even though when we do have sex it feels great /is satisfying).

Originally Posted by Enchantment

Don't beat yourself up - it's not uncommon for women to not feel that immediate desire and need. I am much the same way. I have found, though, that the key is WILLINGNESS. I am willing to let my husband work to arouse me. Do some research on women's sexual response (google "Rosemary Basson") in order to understand you are just normal. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

There's lots of good books about foreplay and getting in to the mood. Here's a selection:

Amazon.com: foreplay: Books

Best Wishes.

Originally Posted by Kathy121

How do I get him to slow down or how do I tell him what I works to turn me from "off" to "on" or even from "neutral" to "on" without hurting his feelings and moving us both to "off"?

Originally Posted by heartsbreaking

I would not do this even as an immediate need!! It risks (like you said) him relying on you getting yourself ready and he might then expect you to just be "on" and it also risks him feeling like he's not really needed to turn you on.

I agree with michzz about having a candid talk with him outside the bedroom and reading together.

It sounds like you need to slow things down and learn foreplay. Get the sensuality happening. Share a bath together. Perhaps lead by example, take your time trailing ice-cubes (and your tongue/kisses) around his body, making him wait before you mouth greets what's between his thighs. Tie his hands if you need to, to do this (as suggest by SacredLady).


heartsbreaking is right, don't set that precedence. That takes all the responsibility for him away and sets up a scenario where he never learns his part in keeping you happy. He needs to learn more about the way a woman thinks and feels in any given situation. It sounds very much to me like so many men who don't get the fact that ya'll generally don't get turned on the same way we do.

You have a lot of undiscovered fun ahead of you. Good luck!

Originally Posted by Stonewall

somehow I made my response look like part of heartsbreaking's quote. Sorry about that heartsbreaking. I don't know how I did that.

Originally Posted by michzz

From his perspective you are being too complicated and deliberately trying to prevent intimacy.

From your perspective you've had enough of not being approached exactly how you want to be approached.

And when you two communicate about this it turns out badly.

Quite a trap.

You have to start somewhere and I think that is when you are not in the bedroom.

You need a candid talk about what works for you both. And maybe a good book to read.

Yo may need to drop some of the complication and he definitely needs better techniques.

The worst time to bring that up is when you're already in bed. Your irritation and his defensiveness will not allow for that moment.