younglove25

Hello all, i'm currently in a on going problem with my wife. Simply put my wife is lacking the intimacy and desire we once had.

A bit about us, i'm 25 and shes 28, shes a nurse and i'm run my own business as a application developer aka programmer. We recently had a child which is 8months now. I have tried my best to help her in every way such as cooking pretty much every day for the last 2 years, watching the kid when she is at work which amounts to 3 days at 12hrs as well as at night ( for at least 5 months she was absent in child care ). I also wash the dishes and clothes on a daily basis and try to clean up often. To add to this i take time out to show her i care about her, with a kiss ,a hug or funful playing throughout the day.

MOst of the time i'm greeted with a quick turn away, "i just kissed you" statement, not now or anything else she can come up with. After a while i just get feed up with being turn down and stop all together. She wasnt like this before she used to be the one always around me ,always wanting affection .

Most of this i think has is a result of ppd after the child birth. She had it for a month after birth but thought it got better. Also her mom has gotten breast cancer again so i know this has hit hard with her, lastlty she hates her job and has been searching for a while to move with no luck.

As you may notice she has a lot on her plate now and i try to ensure her and give her the support she needs, long venting talks.. encouraging her etc, just to show her that i really do care about her feelings and understand the problems she is going through.So the fact that she doesnt think about sex is pretty much a giving and i've learned to live with the fact that I pretty much live in a sexless marriage. But the lack of other forums of intimacy AND no sex, its either one or the other but not both.

We have had long talks, some heated others calm, about this problem but seems likes it fixes itself for a week and then back to the same ol thing.

Now goimg with the natural theme of expecting responses I would be surprised to hear someone say maybe shes tired or needs more help. Clearly i have tired this and with the fact that i'm watching the kid 12hrs in the day then doing the night shift While trying to get work done doesn't seem to hit home with her like i cant get tired at all, and when i'm i still ensure to be there for her. On the other hand i get no support from her and its been like this for a almost 2 years right before we started to try for a kid.

Maybe i'm being selfish but i would like to hear from another woman perspective on how i can better this problem. It seems ive tried everything but not getting anywere which has resulted me to either sleeping on the couch or in another room (by choice) to lessen the fact that when we do lay in our bed its emotionless like we are just roommates , what else i'm to do.

dojo

Have you guys considered any specialized help? I wouldn't think she's meaning for this to happen, but I agree with you, it's not OK AT THIS AGE to not feel the need to have sex.

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that_girl

Pregnancy can really mess up a person's mojo--- hormones, self-esteem, etc.

8 months post-birth is not that long. Give her time...

sammy3

Get help now. Read books, go to MC , talk with each other. Don't wait until you are on the slippery slope !!

~sammy

Hoosier

Syrum

I would agree that 8 months is not a long time, and having a baby can wreak havoc with a woman.

However you can make yourself more attractive by not being a doormat. It's good that you are taking care of things, keep doing this, but don't do more then your fair share. Also do not let her disrespect you or talk down to you in any way.
Read the manning up stuff around here. I don't agree with all of it, but there is some good stuff in there. I personally find it very attractive when my fiance takes charge.

Hicks

[QUOTE=younglove25;388091

MOst of the time i'm greeted with a quick turn away, "i just kissed you" statement, not now or anything else she can come up with. After a while i just get feed up with being turn down and stop all together. .[/QUOTE]

It is due to Childbirth, BUT what is happening is she is starting the process of deciding that now that she is a Mom, and her responsibility is now only to her child. Meeting the needs of you, her husband is not important to her. She is asserting herself over you by making you feel stupid for expecting sex or affection. She is winning in her assertiveness because you get fed up and stop (she is succeeding in her goal).

I can only tell you that it's critical that you assert that your needs matter in the marriage. It's ok to be flexible and say that you are willing to give it some time due to the new baby but that your marriage will be sexual and affectionate. Have no more children until she wakes up to this reality and the reality that you will leave if she is not planning to be sexual any more. It's also critical that you do not act like one of the children that she must "take care of".

So, in summary, stand up for you needs. But also stand up as a man who will take care of his wife and children and earn your wife's respect too.

fredless

You are describing the life of fredless circa 2000--shortly after our 2nd son was born. Sex slowly dwindled to 3-4 times per month. There were a variety of issues. We had the 'talks,' and the 'discussions' and the 'arguments.' It never really helped--little changed and the changes didn't last.

Several months ago, I found this blog:

Married Man Sex Life

I also purchased Athol's book.

The change in my married life is dramatic and significant. My wife and I are closer than we've ever been, our marriage is truly better than it's ever been--and we have sex 4-5 times per week.

You could spend 10 years and get little or no results (and eventually come close to divorce). Or you could check out the recommended site/book.