Peace2000

I've posted on here before..not too long ago actually, and I got some pretty good advice. I can't really talk to my friends because they are so very self absorbed that they can't help anyone else with anything...ugh..I need to find new friends..anyways, I thought I'd come here for some advice.

I'm 30, my H is 31. We've known each other our whole lives. We've been married for 11 years and together for 13. We have a 10 year old daughter together. We've always had great sex..but the past 2 years have been different. I think about and want sex all the time..he NEVER thinks about or wants sex...ever. We might have sex 1 time a week..usually about every 7 or 8 days..and that's when I start *****ing because I feel like something is wrong..with me, with us, with him...something is not right! I've caught him several times watching porn. Most recently I caught him looking at naked pictures on Craigslist while he was "looking for a Jon Boat". When I confronted him he said he just wanted to see what kind of people put that stuff on Craigslist...yeah, right. So, now he says he won't watch it anymore because I told him it makes me hate myself and feel terrible about our relationship..which I DO NOT believe..it might not be so bad if he was interested in me...but I don't feel that he is. I've started marking a tiny dot on the calander on the days we have sex. It's sad.

So, to try to get my H in the mood I'll mess around with him and (sorry to be so blunt) he'll get hard..but he usually just lets me give him a BJ and that's it...I get nothing in return. Even when I tell him how turned on it makes me to do that to him..he doesn't touch me most of the time. And sometimes I just want to be sexual with him, so even though I know he's not going to give me anything I give him a BJ just so I can feel that closeness to him for just a second..but then when it's over and he's watching TV or goes to sleep I feel like crap! And he never makes out with me for no reason. He never makes sexuall comments to me..

Why does he do that?

I've told him so many times that I just want him to have his way with me! Just have wild, passionate, crazy sex! It doesn't have to be like that all the time..but sometimes I just want to feel like he can't keep his hands off of me! No one I know has this problem..I'm alone. I feel unattractive, and unwanted. His actions and his words DO NOT go together..I've told him that over and over..I tell him how all this makes me feel, and what I want...I mean I lay it out . I told him if I was a man and my wife had said everything to me that I have said to him, I would take her out to a nice resturant and get a nice room at a nice hotel just out of town, and I would make love to her and she would KNOW for sure without a doubt that I loved her and that she still turned me on....do you think that has ever happend? NOPE! Nothing ever changes and I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry this was so dang long!!!

sdicharry54

When you get an answer to your problem, Please pass it along to me, Im 26, husband is 28, and he has no interest in me, sex. Its so hurtful, he makes excuses like we are old, or we've made our family, but im too young to live my life abstanant. Their are other guys out there that would kill for a woman that wanted to have sex all the time, but not my husband, Im sure things are not the same after 3 kids, but there is really nothing i can do to change that..

chillymorn

you girls need to play a little hard to get.

start being less available. not rude but coy if you will. be patient and he,ll come around (pun intended).

If he dosn't pull his head out of his *** and wise up then you got a tough decision to make.

Peace2000

When I play hard to get...like last night..he thinks it's me being mad at him and he starts trying to make a move..I don't want to turn him down because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But that's not when I want to have sex with him. That's like pitty sex..I dont want that!. Do I still turn him down even if it hurts his feelings? He hurts mine all the time.

Stonewall

Some men have a need to be the hunter or pursuer. If its to easy to get they lose interest. Not saying that's the problem here but it is at least worth consideration.

Parrothead

You DO know that you are just hitting your sexual peak, while your husband's sexual peak was about 13 years ago? (This proves once again that God does indeed have a sense of humor...)

Hmmm...

It sounds to me like he is obeying Newton's first law - a body at rest tends to remain at rest. Sometimes you get out of the habit and it's a ***** getting back to it.

He is clearly interested in sex or he wouldn't be looking at naked women on the internet.

Try taking it a little slower, and maybe ask - what his problem.

BTW, leaving you hanging after you "service" him sucks. No pun intended.

Peace2000

Yes, I have read and heard that about the sex drive difference...but what I don't get is..if he's looking he's thinking about it...but why doesn't he touch me? He says it's just me being unhappy with myself. what he doesn't realize is that him not wanting to have sex with me or touch me makes me not like myself.It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. And we have a couple of friends who have hot girlfriends and I get pissed when they come over. I feel like he enjoys looking at them more than me. I know that's stupid but I just feel so completely insecure right now.. and it sucks! and yes him leaving me hanging effin sucks too!

Syrum

31 is very young. he needs to stop with the porn and the craigslist thing is very alarming. he is being very disrespectful to you at the very least.

I think you should ask for counseling, and tell him you are about to give up on the marriage.

He also should see a Dr about his testosterone levels etc..

I don't blame you for being unhappy. Does he realize how much this is harming the marriage?

Entropy3000

I wish I could just smack him myself. He is missing out big time.

heartsbeating

My H was still showing me affection but I relate to some of the feelings you have. With us, there were other things going on emotionally that had built up over time. Without realizing, we'd created certain patterns between us that were inadvertently affecting our intimacy. The last few months we've hashed through lots of emotions unrelated to sex.

Your H needs to stop with the porn and direct his focus on you and the relationship. There might be other things going on mentally, so while stopping with the porn will help, there's a possibility you'll discover other aspects of your relationship that needs improving.

I was the initiator, he's always said he loves my sexual prowess but I was naive to the fact that he might like the challenge/mystery of chasing me. When I cooled my flirtatiousness and initiating (and after we'd resolved some of the other issues), it left him room to show his desire for me. Our sex life is improving and long-term changes are occurring. Rather than losing that sexual prowess side of myself that he loves, I'm learning to channel that energy in a slightly different way. He's enjoying taking the role of initiator and being more direct with me sexually. I'm loving encouraging this side of him. Meanwhile I've also thought back to things I used to do that I've neglected slightly - such as romancing him! Everything combined, we're not just getting back on track, we're building an even stronger relationship.

After reading these boards, I don't think there are usually quick-fixes for these things, which makes for a more interesting and well-rounded journey. Good luck!

Parrothead

This was well said, and advice worth heeding.

fredless

Not to sound crass, but I wonder what his reaction would be if he walked in on you masturbating? Men are visual and this might kick-start the motor.

However, it does seem strange that a 31-yr-old man is content with sex only about once a week or so.

kelevra

wow he doesn't know what he is missing. Hope you work things out gurl !

chillymorn

If he thinks your mad when your playing hard to get then maybe your body language is off.

when he makes his move try saying something like a foot rub and a nice back rub would probley get me in the mood quite nicely.

or what ever you in the mood for.

if he rolls his eye or balks like its too much effort then casually turn him down. you could say I can see your not really into caring about making love to me or what I desire so I think I'll pass and just read or watch TV.

and then hold your ground don't initate until he dose. and when he dose be alittle selfish don't be so eager to please. If he just tries to do the wham bam thankyou mam then stop him and say I need A little more effort on your part on the things I like or I'd rather masterbate. don't say it with an attitude say it from your heart because its true.

some people are just selfish this way and if he dosn't come around then you have to make a choice is this a deal breaker or not.

good luck

Enchantment

What exactly happened two years ago that caused this change in him? What made you want to have sex all the time - was he pulling away from you then and it made you want to pursue, or was it something else?

The fact that he is willing to look at things like Craigslist indicates that there's a desire in him, but it's not necessarily for you. That issue needs to be addressed stat. If looking at these types of things is a dealbreaker for you, you need to be honest and set a very firm boundary about it.

What does he say his reasons are for his actions? Do you discuss it? What does he say? Does he think you pursue too much and he wants to do it? Does he think you come across as too needy and that turns him off? Is he looking for something new in the bedroom that he isn't getting?

The only way to find out is to communicate with each other.

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith