Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
But, now, she doesn't want me to give it to her. I asked her why and she says "I don't know" or I just don't want it". She used to enjoy it and it was a sure way for her to achieve an orgasm. I can manually stimulate her with my fingers. That's ok. But no oral. And I enjoy giving her oral too. I've told her it's not dirty and it's fun. She still resists.
Thoughts?
Of course, she refuses to give me oral (always has). But, that's a completely separate issue (at least I think it is).
How long have you been together? Was her dislike percipitated by some major life change? Childbirth, relationship problems, job loss, financial issues? Posted via Mobile Device
How long have you been together? Was her dislike percipitated by some major life change? Childbirth, relationship problems, job loss, financial issues? Posted via Mobile Device
We've been married 28 yrs. I don't know what changed and she won't tell me why she doesn't want it anymore. Might be that she thinks if I give it to her, then I will expect it from her as well. Of course, I would love it if she would give it.
Well, I guess we can speculate, but she's the only one who holds the real answer.
I can't remember her age - early 50's? Getting close to menopause. Gained some weight. Is she self-conscious or uncomfortable about her body? Have the hormonal swings of getting close to menopause made her lose her mojo? Does she just feel kind of "blah" and kind of cruising through life right now? For many women, oral sex is a really intimate, vulnerable act that there needs to be a lot of trust and respect in place before wanting to do it. Could she be like that - unwilling to do it because there are other things missing for her? Just throwing out some possibilities.
I don't know that you can do anything to make her comply and want to do it again. Probably just need to respect her wishes in this area because to try and keep bringing up the issue or forcing it will just likely turn her off it even more.
I would concentrate wholeheartedly on the things that she is willing to do, and work on trying to meet the needs that she has.
Have you ever done the 5 love languages to see where her needs lie? There was a really good thread recently by the user frustated where he and his wife each wrote down what their needs were and they were enlightening. There were some great responses in the thread too. Could you and your wife do that - identify what it is you need/want from the other?
So in what other ways has she become deeply repressed, dogmatic, severely religious and such?
I'm thinking the pre-menopausal state has something to do with this. But, not sure. No recent increase in religion. We typically don't go to church on a regular basis. Major holidays, is about it.
We've been married 28 yrs. I don't know what changed and she won't tell me why she doesn't want it anymore. Might be that she thinks if I give it to her, then I will expect it from her as well. Of course, I would love it if she would give it.
This could be it too. Have you made your desires known to her that you would like her to give it to you as well? If so, she may indeed feel pressured to 'return the favor' and therefore not want to receive.
I'm thinking the pre-menopausal state has something to do with this. But, not sure. No recent increase in religion. We typically don't go to church on a regular basis. Major holidays, is about it.
So it's not reflective of some other moral sea-change in general then. Well that's good. Hmm we could all speculate only you can ask.
Wow, this is a tough one because I think from reading your other threads that she is totally disconnected sexually.
I would try doing non-sexual touching at first. Rub her arm and shoulders when you are sitting together. Would she like a massage? Do this without the expectation of sex. Try teasing her and being playful. Does she like bubble baths? Draw her one.
The most important sexual organ is the brain, and somehow she must want to see herself as a sexual creature.
I didn't like my husband doing it after a while because he wasn't very good at it. What-- it's true.
Agreed. I think if she isn't into something you are doing... then go find a sex educator.
Sometimes it works if I just get after it and make it about her pleasure. Sometimes it works if I take my time and enjoy it my way. But I make sure that my way isn't a turn off for her.
I also pay attention to her body posture and where she is subtly directing me.
May be she has some infection/std and she doesnt want you to get??? how long has she refused? if is just recent you might consider that.
By the way, you seems too nice that your wife doent give oral to you, may be you are too submissive and she doesnt get challenges. do something!
From your other posts and this one I think eventually your going to have to decide whether she is the person you married or not. If this is what you signed up for. Most of all, if she is adding to your life or taking away from it. And most of all, if your willing to live like this and settle or not.
Right now she doesn't seem to care much about you or your needs. As long as you are accepting this I imagine it will continue. Should you choose to stop accepting it, either she will change or she won't. Then you can move forward based on that.
From your other posts and this one I think eventually your going to have to decide whether she is the person you married or not. If this is what you signed up for. Most of all, if she is adding to your life or taking away from it. And most of all, if your willing to live like this and settle or not.
Right now she doesn't seem to care much about you or your needs. As long as you are accepting this I imagine it will continue. Should you choose to stop accepting it, either she will change or she won't. Then you can move forward based on that.
Sound advice. Thanks! I need to get answers to a lot of questions. The "Maybes", "I don't knows", "No's" and negative body language have to stop. If she's not forthcoming with answers, then that is unacceptable and I will have to tell her so.
She used to like receiving oral sex 
