Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I would suggest that he feels hurt by something that you have done... or he feels like you aren't into it. Somewhere along the line the intimacy has been damaged and you probably missed it... and/or you both were trying to be nice and glossed over it. And he's trying to be big about it... so he's withholding his sexual energy from and venting it out in other areas.
It's a theory.
The first thing you have to do before communicating is to build up your mutual trust and your affinity.
After this is established then begin to see if there was something you missed.
I definitely wouldn't go to war. Disarm. De-escalate. Work on breathing as one.
I agree he's messing up and has messed up with certain situations. I also agree he may need a harsh wake-up call that changes need to be made. I feel her frustration and that she's burnt out. Now more than ever, she needs to give EVERYTHING a good hard look. It's also when we've reached this place in the relationship that our injustices become magnified while the good is overlooked. As for the past, she doesn't know whether he cheated or not and that should have been dealt with back then.
If you read other things she's written - she says he tells her he loves her, that he's attracted to her, that he still hugs and kisses her (I know it's not passionately though), he listens to her and says he wants to change and will give up the porn but doesn't feel she gives him enough time.
This thread is titled "Not sexually attracted to wife" yet it's followed with "He says he's attracted to me and loves me but he's tired and doesn't think about having sex...but I've caught him watching porn and looking at naked pics on Craigslist." Taking him on his word that contrary to her own thoughts, he IS attracted to her and despite him messing up her 30th birthday, that he DOES love her ....yet he's turning to porn. There are issues here for sure but I do not believe it's all one-sided. Wait that sounds harsh and I didn't communicate what I'm trying to get across properly. What I mean is, while she might discover his issues are just his issues and I agree with a previous poster that said he's avoiding the emotional connection with sex; there could be things she could do to help him with this. The approach/patterns developed over the last 2 years hasn't helped with changing anything.
I agree with Hicks about discovering each others needs. Even though she feels she's meeting his needs, she might be focusing on things that aren't that important to him hence not meeting some of his needs without even realizing.
I also think as hard as it is sometimes, if we really listen to the other person even when it feels like they don't deserve it, we might discover some things we've overlooked about ourselves. It's easy for us to read and think he's a jerk. All he needs to do is stop with the porn, buy her some flowers, make a bit more effort to think of her. And ya know, maybe at the end of the day he is a jerk... but she's still attracted to him. So unless she has some kind of issue that allows herself to be attracted to someone that doesn't treat her well, it's likely she's been feeling somewhat happy in the relationship to still desire him. She cannot change him but she can see if there are things she can do in all of this. If we don't take responsibility for ourselves, how is it reasonable that we expect the other person to?
Excellent advice, in my opinion. I would also like to add that we men can be incredibly immature in these aspects of a relationship. Women seem to explore feelings, and talk about them. There is possibly an aspect where he has no clue what he is really feeling because he just doesn't understand. When you fill in the blanks, stating emphatically that he is bored, when he says otherwise, it generates feelings of resentment in him.
I just want to clarify, though, that this is separated from what he has done wrong and deserves from you. You've been hurt. The only issue is how to get to a good place with this. I usually avoid these threads, but you genuinely seem interested in various viewpoints. I'm personally so bullheaded and alpha that I think my approach to dealing with my wife's insecurities about her weight and body image issues probably wouldn't have worked on anyone but her. She started letting go of her assumption of being unnatractive largely because it seemed irrelevant when she was always trying to get my hand out of her blouse while she was cooking.
Thank you all for reading my post and commenting! I wanted to see what other people thought of this situation and I got that! I'm very happy that I was able to see things from all points of view.
Last night we went out to eat with a couple who just had a baby. It was the new mom's first night without the baby so we had a couple of drinks and good converstaion. I was dressed up and looking cute and I secretly knew that I was going to play hard to get and tease the husband tonight to see what happens. We had been sitting at the table for a while and I reached over and put my hand on his leg and rubbed it with just my finger tips, then moved my hand. He then put his hand on my leg then put his arm around me. We had great sex when we got home...not the sort of passionate, rip my clothes off as we are walking down the hall way, throw me on the bed kind of sex that I would love...it was the same sex that it always is, but it was still good. So this morning I asked him if there was anything he wanted to say to me..anything at all to just clear his mind, get anything of his chest, even if he was afraid it would hurt my feelings..he was also sitting next to me on the couch which never happens. He usually sits on one couch and I sit on the other..just habit I guess. He just looked at me right in the eyes and smiled and said "no, I just want you to be happy". So he went outside to work on the lawnmower and I cooked his favorite breakfast..when he came back in I had his plate ready and told him it was my peace offering. He smiled and said " Hell yeah!" LOL!
After reading some of the latest posts, I guess I painted a pretty bad picture of him. He's not a bad guy, he's a very good Daddy, he does work very hard to support our family.
I don't agree with the post that said "it's all Me me me" Well, It is all me me me, It's me doing the sweet, out of the way, thoughtful things for him..never the other way around. Although, I guess last night was a small step in the right direction. He went to the store and brought me back a Blow POP..he used to do that for me when we were dating..and I asked for one the other day so he remembered that.
So, today I call a truce. I'm starting over. I know he loves me and I know I've been putting presure on him so I'm just going to back off and love him with all my heart and learn to love myself and I'm sure things will work themselves out.
Although you don't need to agree with what I wrote "It's all about me, me, me" .....everything you want with him is completely valid and you deserve to have your needs met too but if things need to really change between both of you, it may as well be you that puts your best foot forward first. If he'd come to this board and written from his perspective, I'd be saying the same thing. What I meant by this comment was more about how you acted this morning. You gave him an opportunity to open up. You made him his favorite breakfast AND said it was a peace offering. That is huge. IMO it takes a strong person full of love to be able to overcome your own hurt/position to basically say "I'm thinking of you/us, I'm calling a truce."
It's not going to be an easy journey but it sounds like you're both starting out with good intention. Best wishes to you.
"You made him his favorite breakfast AND said it was a peace offering. That is huge. IMO it takes a strong person full of love to be able to overcome your own hurt/position to basically say "I'm thinking of you/us, I'm calling a truce."
Asking him what more you can do for him is the wrong tactic.
You do need IC.
You keep on giving and giving, and as per the advice on this forum, you teased him, you came onto him, and you had so so sex and then he gives you nothing today.
Every single day both people in a couple need to do nice things for the other. other wise it just doesn't work.
I honestly need to be hugged and kissed and loved every day. If we can't have sex for whatever reason, I still want to feel close and cherished.
If you stay you will get to the point where you look at him and feel nothing. absolutely nothing. And when he does eventually lose you he will be shocked, because he's self absorbed and lazy.
Well, I take back everything I said about peace offerings and truces...I think its time for emotional war! I cant do this anymore! I cant understand any of this!
My issue with him is that i NEED for him to be more passionate and interested in me. I keep thinking its coming but itnever does. Ive asked him to please tell me if anything is bothering him...tonight I even said " Are there needs that you have that Im not meeting?" He said no. Then i asked him if it bothers him that I dont cook ever night. He shook his head yes. I said "well then pldase tell me that" He laughed and said " i was jusr kidding it doesnt bother me". What? So today I cleaned house and he worked onthe lawnmower for a little while, then he came in and took a long nap. When he woek up..around 5 he askedif I wanted to go ride 4 wheelers on the hunting land..(I realize that sounds so redneck but I swear I dont wear camo and I have all my teeth). I wanted to spendtime with him so I went. I tried to be teasing like, but I was getting a weird "you are getting on my nerves vibe." I told him this ad he said I was wrong. We had a couple of beers and I was noping he would be feeling a little frisky. We got back home and he never touched me...well...he held my hand while we laid in the bed and then I heard him snoring! We have the house to ourselves tonight and we dont havs to be quiet..im walking around in a cute tanktop that unbuttons down the front and that barely shows my buttcheeks. NOTHING!!! All I freaking want is to feel wanted! I want him to rip my c,othes off, kiss me with passion, rub his hands over my body and tell me how bad he wants me. I want him to pull my hair and passionatly have his way with me. I want him to look at what he is touching ...not just do it under the covers. I just want to feel like he cant resist me and I feel the total opposite... So what do I do. I TOTALLY feel like something is going on with him and Ive tried everything I know kf to try to get him to open up and talk to me. This just feels like such a weird time for us. I donut remember having feeling like this before. I mean tnere have been times hes hurt me..but this feels different. I had to get out of the bed and come to the couch. I couldnt lay there and listen to him breath anymore. I dont want to start a figt tomorrow but it sooooo hard to be nice rigt now. I tried so hard today. I even cooked his favotie breakfast and to,d him it was my peace offering this morning...I got NOTHING! And he got off the hook. I need serious help.
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Syrum..you just hit the nail on tne head. I cant give anymore. Tonight I stood in the door way of the bedroomand looked at him while he was sleeping and I said out load to myself "i hate him" but i dont hate him...thats the problem...maybei should right him a letter...GOD!i just want my husband to want me. Posted via Mobile Device
I am having a similar issue with my husband. We have been together for almost 9 years. We had a large disagreement 2 weeks ago. Alot of things got talked about after this and one was that he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. I am over weight and says that he is turned off by my weight. He is still very much inlove with me, and still very 'touchy feely'. Before our disagreement we used to have sex probably once every 6 weeks. Obviously, I know why now. We have had sex once since the disagreement and I found it extremely hard to do it. I need advice.
Syrum..you just hit the nail on tne head. I cant give anymore. Tonight I stood in the door way of the bedroomand looked at him while he was sleeping and I said out load to myself "i hate him" but i dont hate him...thats the problem...maybei should right him a letter...GOD!i just want my husband to want me. Posted via Mobile Device
I completely agree with Syrum's advice. Mind you, I completely admire anyone who is willing to look at themselves, ask what they're doing wrong first, try to understand the spouse's point of view.
But.
After that, you must also be able to assert your own needs and stand up for what's not working for you. You ONLY asked him about HIS needs, did you notice that? And you're hoping that doing more for him will make him automatically want to do more for you. He basically said, "no I'm doing fine. You're trying so hard and I like it. I get everything I want and am not held accountable to do anything for you. It's great!" Then when you realized you weren't getting anything back, you blew up emotionally. You said, "God! I just want my husband to want me." So you're trying everything you can think of and he's complacent. You can't be so needy that you'll be a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself and require it. You need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship OR YOU WILL GET NOTHING IN RETURN (imo).
You said that you painted a bad picture of him and he's a good daddy and provider. Again, this confirms that he's making the money and even you couldn't find other thing he's done good. He brought you a blow pop? Please. It may have been cute, but did it satisfy your emotional needs?
with Syrum 100%. Individual Counseling may help a lot because you're making yourself into a doormat trying to get what you want out of him, then building hate and resentment between you which will destroy your marriage.
Now, it's time for me to go assert my own needs and tell my hubby what's not working for me!
I completely agree with Syrum's advice. Mind you, I completely admire anyone who is willing to look at themselves, ask what they're doing wrong first, try to understand the spouse's point of view.
But.
After that, you must also be able to assert your own needs and stand up for what's not working for you. You ONLY asked him about HIS needs, did you notice that? And you're hoping that doing more for him will make him automatically want to do more for you. He basically said, "no I'm doing fine. You're trying so hard and I like it. I get everything I want and am not held accountable to do anything for you. It's great!" Then when you realized you weren't getting anything back, you blew up emotionally. You said, "God! I just want my husband to want me." So you're trying everything you can think of and he's complacent. You can't be so needy that you'll be a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself and require it. You need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship OR YOU WILL GET NOTHING IN RETURN (imo).
You said that you painted a bad picture of him and he's a good daddy and provider. Again, this confirms that he's making the money and even you couldn't find other thing he's done good. He brought you a blow pop? Please. It may have been cute, but did it satisfy your emotional needs?
with Syrum 100%. Individual Counseling may help a lot because you're making yourself into a doormat trying to get what you want out of him, then building hate and resentment between you which will destroy your marriage.
Now, it's time for me to go assert my own needs and tell my hubby what's not working for me!
I love it! thank you so much! He wanted me to make him some cookies tonight..but I told him no. He just stood there and looked at me...and said come on...make me so cookies..and I said no..I'm not going to make you cookies..sorry, but I don't believe I will making anymore cookies for a while I said if you want cookies then I guess you better get busy! ...he got his cookies but it wasn't because I made them! LOL! and it felt good! Then later I was trying to talk to him and he made a face and a sound. I said what? and he said" what, where you about to say something else negative to me?" So then I was like...well, is taking everything I'm saying as being negative towards him and not in a lets work on this together thing?...I just said no, I wasn't..nevermind..So, I start working out with a friend at the Y tomorrow so I'm super excited. But today we were playing around, laughing in the kitchen, and I said something like I'm going to start the Y tomorrow so I get my sexy back for you. He acted like he didn't hear me and started talking about something else. I said "oh, just ignore what I just said" he said I heard your little comment...I already think you are..with a "is that what you want me to say " look on his face. So..I feel like **** about the way I look and I'm so ready to change that!
Declaring a truce, giving him the chance to open up, thinking of US instead of ME/him, and working out things between BOTH of you, does not (imo) mean bending over backwards for him, or not having your needs met and ignored either. It's just a starting point. His passion for you is not going to be reignited over night, this will take some more patience on your part if you want to improve things together. Good luck! Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Not sexually attracted to wife 
with Syrum 100%. Individual Counseling may help a lot because you're making yourself into a doormat trying to get what you want out of him, then building hate and resentment between you which will destroy your marriage.
