Not sexually attracted to wife
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-05-2011, 09:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not sexually attracted to wife

What would you say to a 31 year old man who has been married for 11 years to a great 30 year old woman who is very loving and giving, a great mother and friend and very sexual ..he loves her, but he doesn't find her sexually attractive and he only has sex once every week and a half.

I feel that this is the case with my husband

He says he's attracted to me and loves me but he's tired and doesn't think about having sex...but I've caught him watching porn and looking at naked pics on Craigslist.

...what would you say to him?
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Old 08-05-2011, 09:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

I would say he's a selfish loser (harsh but true). I would say he's a grass is all ways greener and a glass half full guy. I would say you are better off looking for new love and making a new life without him, then holding onto one that will never ever be what it should.
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Old 08-05-2011, 10:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

This is what I would recommend saying.

Husband, for a marriage to function we both have to meet each others emotional needs. You have a need for A, B, C which every day I focus on work to meet. Meeting each others needs takes work and focus. If I am going to meet your needs for A, B, C I expect that in our marriage you will put forth focus and effort in meeting my emotional needs. The main emotional needs I have that you are not meeting is Sexual Fulfillment. I would like you to think about are two things. 1. Are there emotional needs that you have, that are not A, B, and C that I am not meeting ? I would like to know what those are. 2. Are you willing to meet my emotional needs in our marriage?. Think about this for 2 days.
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Old 08-05-2011, 10:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

I would say he is not wanting to deal with the emotional side of sex so he pleasures himself to porn and the such.

I wouldn't know what to do...I would feel so dejected.
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Old 08-05-2011, 10:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

Thanks yall! I'm starting to see that maybe it might not be me after all. I think I may start counsling to work on the damage he has done to me. I'm joining the Y today so hopefully I will feel better about myself soon. Until then I just have to keep thinking positive and see where things go. I'm not going to focus so much on his needs...and when I say his needs, I mean..I cook, fix his plate, take it to him, fix his drink, take it to him..I wait on him hand and foot! No more of that!
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Old 08-05-2011, 11:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

I would say that this is my worst nightmare.

However if he says he's attracted to you... he could well be telling the truth. Something else could be going on. MC could help.
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Old 08-05-2011, 11:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

Peace, I can see why you would go "on strike" so to speak.
But, it doesn't work! It will help nothing and will bring you no closer to an understanding of how to fix your situation.

You have a good list of his "needs" that you are meeting. Through saying the things I suggested above you will find out one of two things. The first thing you could find out is his needs are different than the ones you are meeting. The second thing you could find out is he is selfish in that he would refuse to meet your needs even though he is happy to have his needs met.
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

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Originally Posted by Peace2000 View Post
What would you say to a 31 year old man who has been married for 11 years to a great 30 year old woman who is very loving and giving, a great mother and friend and very sexual ..he loves her, but he doesn't find her sexually attractive and he only has sex once every week and a half.

I feel that this is the case with my husband

He says he's attracted to me and loves me but he's tired and doesn't think about having sex...but I've caught him watching porn and looking at naked pics on Craigslist.

...what would you say to him?
you say you "feel that is the case" but that doesn't mean it is.

maybe after 11 years of marriage and asking for a more frequent sexual life, he has resorted to just taking care of himself. now that you are looking for more, he just can't be bothered getting his expectation level set for anything more that every 10 days.

may not be the case but i'd like to hear how things were over the past 11 years.
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Old 08-05-2011, 04:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

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Originally Posted by Married&Confused View Post
you say you "feel that is the case" but that doesn't mean it is.

maybe after 11 years of marriage and asking for a more frequent sexual life, he has resorted to just taking care of himself. now that you are looking for more, he just can't be bothered getting his expectation level set for anything more that every 10 days.

may not be the case but i'd like to hear how things were over the past 11 years.
We've always had GREAT sex..it's still great! Even when we don't do it that often, when we do it's really good!! And I ask him " now why do you not want that more often" and he answers" I don't know." I've been asking for more sex for a LONG time..like going on 2 years. I think he's sexually and emotionally lazy.
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Old 08-05-2011, 07:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

I'm not saying I don't completely empathize with your situation, trust me I do. Now, I'm going to be somewhat blunt but I'm writing this with good intention to you. It might be hard for you to see it right now but there are other things going on with him that's preventing him from wanting to connect with you that way more often. Sure, you could say "He's a loser and I should move on." We do live in a throw-away society after all. Then he'll meet another woman and they'll be at it like rabbits. So why couldn't he have been like this with you? You could stick around and truly give yourselves a chance to understand what your relationship has become and why. You could take the opportunity to look at yourself and learn some lessons before that happens.

I don't think going "on-strike" is the answer. If anything, that's just going to cause more distance between the two of you. It's time for some really candid, open discussions about your relationship - a two way conversation. You might feel that you're doing everything for him and you're also a sexy beast on top of it all (smile at this part, it's okay, you are a sexy beast) so why on earth isn't he wanting to please you or sexually connect with you? What a selfish ba$tard, right? (keep reading)

You'd written before that "He does nothing for me but go to work and supports our family. I feel like he thinks that's enough." ....I'm sorry but to me, the way you have written this wreaks of disrespect. When you questioned why he didn't buy you flowers when he got the car part and you asked why it didn't cross his mind to do something nice for you and that it shows where his mind is at, well that also shows where your mind is at. It's all about me, me, me.

Okay before you get completely annoyed and feel jilted with what I just wrote, here's the thing: He's not thinking of you. Sexually, romantically or thoughtfully. But why isn't he thinking that way of you? It's not something you can just hammer into someone's mind "Hey buddy, think of me!" especially when it's said in a frustrated tone. If anything, that's just going to reinforce the person not wanting to do those things.

Now I'm not saying his turning to porn is justified. No. That needs to stop and I agree his focus needs to come back into the relationship. Just as you do too. Stop those hormonal thoughts that made you write previously "Im finding myself wishing I had to go to another state alone for some reason and have wild, hot sex with the first random stranger I find attractive!! Thats sooo bad!"

Just as he needs to turn his attention back to you, you also need to turn your attention back to him. The cooking and fixing him a drink and asking for sex isn't connecting with him fully - just as his working and supporting you and having sex once a week isn't connecting with you fully either. You BOTH need to make changes. Just as you want to feel valued and thought about, so does he. Get out of your own head for the moment and see what YOU can do. Stop asking for sex. Take a step back. At the end of the day, you might not stay together but I think it'd be to YOUR benefit to really look at this with both eyes open.
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

Brilliant ^^^^
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Old 08-05-2011, 09:08 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm not saying I don't completely empathize with your situation, trust me I do. Now, I'm going to be somewhat blunt but I'm writing this with good intention to you. It might be hard for you to see it right now but there are other things going on with him that's preventing him from wanting to connect with you that way more often. Sure, you could say "He's a loser and I should move on." We do live in a throw-away society after all. Then he'll meet another woman and they'll be at it like rabbits. So why couldn't he have been like this with you? You could stick around and truly give yourselves a chance to understand what your relationship has become and why. You could take the opportunity to look at yourself and learn some lessons before that happens.

I don't think going "on-strike" is the answer. If anything, that's just going to cause more distance between the two of you. It's time for some really candid, open discussions about your relationship - a two way conversation. You might feel that you're doing everything for him and you're also a sexy beast on top of it all (smile at this part, it's okay, you are a sexy beast) so why on earth isn't he wanting to please you or sexually connect with you? What a selfish ba$tard, right? (keep reading)

You'd written before that "He does nothing for me but go to work and supports our family. I feel like he thinks that's enough." ....I'm sorry but to me, the way you have written this wreaks of disrespect. When you questioned why he didn't buy you flowers when he got the car part and you asked why it didn't cross his mind to do something nice for you and that it shows where his mind is at, well that also shows where your mind is at. It's all about me, me, me.

Okay before you get completely annoyed and feel jilted with what I just wrote, here's the thing: He's not thinking of you. Sexually, romantically or thoughtfully. But why isn't he thinking that way of you? It's not something you can just hammer into someone's mind "Hey buddy, think of me!" especially when it's said in a frustrated tone. If anything, that's just going to reinforce the person not wanting to do those things.

Now I'm not saying his turning to porn is justified. No. That needs to stop and I agree his focus needs to come back into the relationship. Just as you do too. Stop those hormonal thoughts that made you write previously "Im finding myself wishing I had to go to another state alone for some reason and have wild, hot sex with the first random stranger I find attractive!! Thats sooo bad!"

Just as he needs to turn his attention back to you, you also need to turn your attention back to him. The cooking and fixing him a drink and asking for sex isn't connecting with him fully - just as his working and supporting you and having sex once a week isn't connecting with you fully either. You BOTH need to make changes. Just as you want to feel valued and thought about, so does he. Get out of your own head for the moment and see what YOU can do. Stop asking for sex. Take a step back. At the end of the day, you might not stay together but I think it'd be to YOUR benefit to really look at this with both eyes open.
I disagree, I think her going on strike is like doing a 180. He needs a wake up call.

Moreover she has been asking for years for him to focus on their relationship.

This guy treats her like dirt, I would actually go so far as to say he's emotionally abusive.

It also seems he cheated on her in the past.

I doubt that he will have any sustainable long term relationships the way he is.

It's not about being a throw away society, it's about recognizing something that is truly unhealthy.

I think she has done so much all ready that she is just about burnt out. Why should the caring giving loving spouse, give more?

Also it's not just about the sex and porn (that's bad enough), but he has been treating her terribly in just about all aspects of their relationship.
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Old 08-05-2011, 09:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peace2000 View Post
I think I may start counsling to work on the damage he has done to me. I'm joining the Y today so hopefully I will feel better about myself soon. Until then I just have to keep thinking positive and see where things go. I'm not going to focus so much on his needs...and when I say his needs, I mean..I cook, fix his plate, take it to him, fix his drink, take it to him..I wait on him hand and foot! No more of that!
I'm just one person among many, so my advice can admittedly be off. Except for pregnancy, though, a ten day drought would be a major calamity for us after 24 years together.

Saying that he has damaged you really implies that you see him as a guy who is intentionally cruel to you. Saying that you will boycott nice things for him ... well, if he's really this low down, it just seems that sex should be the last thing to worry about. Don't want this to be harsh, but only suggesting that those vibes probably can be felt by him. Certainly not saying that he isn't screwing up bad, because he is.

As a guy, I think we don't discuss one thing that fundamentally exists in every case when a guy stays connected sexually in a relationship over seven years or so. The woman gives off vibes that tell her husband that his intimate time with her is absolutely safe, and very much wanted because she is crazy about him, and only him. I'm saying that there is no anger, frustration or resentment carried into the lovemaking. Sexual passion is also there, of course, but that's assumed here. She creates a connection of acceptance.

I'll be honest. I see in your posts that you really do feel these things for your husband. Maybe the problem is that you feel shame and hurt for something that is not at all your fault. He owns it completely. I believe that most guys who have suffered because they made your husband's mistake would give about anything for a wife that did the things you do for him. All I'm suggesting is that the frustration can only stand in the way of improvement in his problem.

Often, guys have very similar fears about sexual issues, but deal with it completely different. I think that most times a guy goes without sex more than a few days, there is an element of fear of your hurt or of being judged, and his behaviors are avoiding behaviors.

Obviously though, some guys are low T, while others might jumpt to this conclusion to cover up the discomfort of their sex life.

Something that I feel strongly about as a guy, though. Unless he has cheated or is intentionally hurting you, the 180 will work if it is your intention to go from 10 days between sex to a higher number.

Last edited by Halien; 08-05-2011 at 09:28 PM.
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Old 08-05-2011, 09:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sexually attracted to wife

While the roles are reversed you asking for sex is no different than a man begging his wife for more. It won't happen. I think you are empowering him in some ways.

Porn is an interesting question. Plenty of different attitudes abound here on the subject. Regardless of your overall opinion about porn it never ever should replace the other partner. While it can be healthy (assuming both partners are ok with it) it can also be extremely poisonous to a lot of relationships.

I'd also say that going on strike isn't the answer. Holding out just seems plain wrong - even if that is what he is doing.

Focus on yourself as others have suggested. No EA's or PA's recommended but do things for you. I might even go out on a limb and suggest reading MMSL.
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Old 08-05-2011, 09:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I disagree, I think her going on strike is like doing a 180. He needs a wake up call.

Moreover she has been asking for years for him to focus on their relationship.

This guy treats her like dirt, I would actually go so far as to say he's emotionally abusive.

It also seems he cheated on her in the past.

I doubt that he will have any sustainable long term relationships the way he is.

It's not about being a throw away society, it's about recognizing something that is truly unhealthy.

I think she has done so much all ready that she is just about burnt out. Why should the caring giving loving spouse, give more?

Also it's not just about the sex and porn (that's bad enough), but he has been treating her terribly in just about all aspects of their relationship.
I agree he's messing up and has messed up with certain situations. I also agree he may need a harsh wake-up call that changes need to be made. I feel her frustration and that she's burnt out. Now more than ever, she needs to give EVERYTHING a good hard look. It's also when we've reached this place in the relationship that our injustices become magnified while the good is overlooked. As for the past, she doesn't know whether he cheated or not and that should have been dealt with back then.

If you read other things she's written - she says he tells her he loves her, that he's attracted to her, that he still hugs and kisses her (I know it's not passionately though), he listens to her and says he wants to change and will give up the porn but doesn't feel she gives him enough time.

This thread is titled "Not sexually attracted to wife" yet it's followed with "He says he's attracted to me and loves me but he's tired and doesn't think about having sex...but I've caught him watching porn and looking at naked pics on Craigslist." Taking him on his word that contrary to her own thoughts, he IS attracted to her and despite him messing up her 30th birthday, that he DOES love her ....yet he's turning to porn. There are issues here for sure but I do not believe it's all one-sided. Wait that sounds harsh and I didn't communicate what I'm trying to get across properly. What I mean is, while she might discover his issues are just his issues and I agree with a previous poster that said he's avoiding the emotional connection with sex; there could be things she could do to help him with this. The approach/patterns developed over the last 2 years hasn't helped with changing anything.

I agree with Hicks about discovering each others needs. Even though she feels she's meeting his needs, she might be focusing on things that aren't that important to him hence not meeting some of his needs without even realizing.

I also think as hard as it is sometimes, if we really listen to the other person even when it feels like they don't deserve it, we might discover some things we've overlooked about ourselves. It's easy for us to read and think he's a jerk. All he needs to do is stop with the porn, buy her some flowers, make a bit more effort to think of her. And ya know, maybe at the end of the day he is a jerk... but she's still attracted to him. So unless she has some kind of issue that allows herself to be attracted to someone that doesn't treat her well, it's likely she's been feeling somewhat happy in the relationship to still desire him. She cannot change him but she can see if there are things she can do in all of this. If we don't take responsibility for ourselves, how is it reasonable that we expect the other person to?

Last edited by heartsbeating; 08-05-2011 at 10:49 PM. Reason: clarification
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