Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-05-2011, 02:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

I've been married for about 3 years. I'm 26, he's 27. Basically, I have the opposite problem of a lot of people on here. My husband wants too much sex. If he could, he would have sex with me multiple times a day, 7 days a week. Don't get me wrong, i'm very attracted to him and the sex is always amazing; he's attentive to my needs and likes and he makes sure that I'm satisfied. And I'm flattered that he finds me so attractive. But his drive is much, much higher than mine. I love sex as much as the next gal but I would like to do it maybe twice a week at most. I try to keep up with him and meet him halfway, but he can't seem to be able to adjust himself to that. Usually, he wants sex when he gets home from work, again before we go to sleep, and sometimes in the mornings before he leaves for work. On some days, he'll want to come home during lunch for a quickie (his office is very close to our place). And when we have sex, it seems as if he has endless stamina. I know some of you may ask "how can that be a bad thing?", but he'll often want to do it again and again and again when I'm wiped out after he's had sex with me two or three times.

When he's craving sex and can't have it, he becomes like a pack-a-day smoker who is trying to quit cold turkey; he's fidgety, nervous, starts sweating, has trouble focusing, etc. if we're out shopping and he gets like that, i can tell that he'll want sex as soon as we get home. sometimes i'll give him a bj in the car just to to tide him over if we're on a long outing. i don't think he's a sex addict, since i associate that with reckless behavior like compulsive cheating or obsession with pornography (is that accurate?). He has never cheated on me, and he only looks at porn when i'm on my period or out of town visiting my family, which i don't begrudge him for. he says he's happy being monogamous, he just wants a lot of sex.

Everything else in our marriage is great. My husband a wonderful man, he is kind, caring, romantic, compassionate, helps out around the house, you name it. he just got promoted at work and seems to be doing well in his job so this hasn't negatively impacted his career. But I worry that when life gets more hectic, we won't be able to do it nearly as often as we do now (which is already not enough for him). Right now we have no kids and I'm only taking a couple of classes part-time, i'm basically a stay at home wife. But we eventually want to have kids and i'd like to start working at some point. that will inevitably affect our sex life, and i'm worried that our relationship might suffer as a result. in the back of my mind, i do fear that when the time comes that we can't have sex as often, he'll cheat on me to have his needs met.

he's been like this since we've been together, with no let-up in sight. i think he might have an abnormally high sex drive and i'm wondering if he should have himself checked. but i also don't want to mess around with his physiology if there's nothing really wrong with him. any advice would be much appreciated.

(sorry for the long post, just wanted to include all my thoughts)
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

No idea how to help you but I think he's a sex addict.
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No idea how to help you but I think he's a sex addict.
but aren't sex addicts prone to seek sex with multiple partners and/or obsessed with porn? he has never exhibited any of those behaviors (knock on wood).
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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but aren't sex addicts prone to seek sex with multiple partners and/or obsessed with porn? he has never exhibited any of those behaviors (knock on wood).
Not necessarily. As long as you continue trying to keep up with him he has no need to go elsewhere, or self serve with porn. The reason I think he's addicted is because he's compulsive about it. You yourself equated it to a pack-a-day smoker.

One of the key factors I think I read about sex addictions is whether it interferes in your daily life and the way you describe him that would be yes. Also at the rate you are going it's going to be a drain on your relationship as well.
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Not necessarily. As long as you continue trying to keep up with him he has no need to go elsewhere, or self serve with porn. The reason I think he's addicted is because he's compulsive about it. You yourself equated it to a pack-a-day smoker.

One of the key factors I think I read about sex addictions is whether it interferes in your daily life and the way you describe him that would be yes. Also at the rate you are going it's going to be a drain on your relationship as well.
Yeah, i would definitely say that it's interfering with our daily lives. but another reason why i hesitate to say that he's a sex addict is because i think this is genetic in his family. he comes from a strict catholic family (i.e., no birth control) and he has 11 siblings, so... yeah. but his upbringing was otherwise normal and he's never been subject to any trauma or abuse that might trigger sex addiction. isn't it true that sex addicts were victims of abuse or have some psychological damage in their backgrounds? can someone just be born predisposed to sex addiction?
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

Well, the definition of sex addict is not a frequency issue. f you enjoy sex, it does not mean you're addicted. If, however, your sexual activity hinders your relationships, keeps you from forming a long-term, honest, loving relationship, or compels you to be deceptive, you are definitely addicted. f you have sex 5 times a day it does not necessarily mean you are addicted.
Sex is about relationships. If the relationship between you and your partner is meaningful and monogamous and you both have the time, energy, and desire to have sex 5 times a day, you are engaging in enjoyable sex.

The two of you need to set expectations and if you can't keep up, He should find other outlest for his energy. (IMHO)
Check sexualcontrol.com
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, the definition of sex addict is not a frequency issue. f you enjoy sex, it does not mean you're addicted. If, however, your sexual activity hinders your relationships, keeps you from forming a long-term, honest, loving relationship, or compels you to be deceptive, you are definitely addicted. f you have sex 5 times a day it does not necessarily mean you are addicted.
Sex is about relationships. If the relationship between you and your partner is meaningful and monogamous and you both have the time, energy, and desire to have sex 5 times a day, you are engaging in enjoyable sex.

The two of you need to set expectations and if you can't keep up, He should find other outlest for his energy. (IMHO)
Check sexualcontrol.com
This is exactly what i was thinking. he's normal in all other respects and our relationship is otherwise fantastic; he just has a bigger appetite for sex (with me) than i can handle.

we've talked about this numerous times and he's repeatedly agreed to meet me halfway. we set boundaries and limits that he keeps to for a while, but it ends up falling apart because he gets nervous, fidgety, and stressed like i mentioned above and i end up giving in when he approaches me. sometimes we'll set a limit of once a day, five days a week, but he'll be able to seduce me into exceeding it and then everything goes out the window.
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

The fact that he has physical withdrawal symptoms (sweating?!?!) for going a few hours without sex sounds like an addiction to me. There is no need to look for causes in his childhood. Anyone can have an addiction to practically anything. Think about it this way: is there any nicotine or heroin involved in a gambling addiction? That is simply a 'hobby' that has no external chemical reason for being addictive; and yet, it often becomes a true addiction. Sex releases chemicals in the brain, these chemicals CAN be addictive. I think your husband is suffering from an addiction primarily on the basis of presenting physical symptoms. I'm less convinced on the basis of things like how it affects his relationships, you're either addicted or you aren't, but you could be in a relationship with another sex addict, you'd just never notice.

If you are serious about wanting to have children, I think you're going to have to address this through counseling. Having children means there will be periods of time when you simply cannot have sex, and other periods of time where you might want to but shouldn't (for example, if you are completely exhausted), and still other periods of time where you just won't want to as often as you do now. He needs to be able to function like a healthy man without sex multiple times per day - that is pretty much a given.

It can be very healthy to have sex multiple times per day, every day, for years, if that's what everyone involved wants. It is not healthy to HAVE to do so, in order to function. I really hope you can get him into counseling to address this. It's not as normal as you want to convince yourself that it is, I'm afraid.
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Old 08-05-2011, 05:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

Hmm... I could have written your thread more than 20 years ago. My H was exactly the same!

Didn't know anything about sexual addiction then (still really don't), but my H did not seem to have withdrawal symptoms - like sweating or being jumpy because he didn't have sex. He just really, really liked to have sex. I could not keep up with him. We did have to devise ways to compromise - you might need to explore how you two can work out some sort of solution.

I will say, that it did get to a crisis point for us about 3 years or so into the marriage where I was ready to leave. It can be difficult to live with someone like that at times. We were able to work it out and things smoothed out enough where we were (and are) both satisfied, but it took work and compromise from BOTH of us to get to that point.

Are you letting your husband know how this makes you feel? If not, you should be trying to have some candid conversations about what each of you needs and wants in your marriage and how you can work together to make that happen.

Best wishes.
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Old 08-05-2011, 05:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hmm... I could have written your thread more than 20 years ago. My H was exactly the same!

Didn't know anything about sexual addiction then (still really don't), but my H did not seem to have withdrawal symptoms - like sweating or being jumpy because he didn't have sex. He just really, really liked to have sex. I could not keep up with him. We did have to devise ways to compromise - you might need to explore how you two can work out some sort of solution.

I will say, that it did get to a crisis point for us about 3 years or so into the marriage where I was ready to leave. It can be difficult to live with someone like that at times. We were able to work it out and things smoothed out enough where we were (and are) both satisfied, but it took work and compromise from BOTH of us to get to that point.

Are you letting your husband know how this makes you feel? If not, you should be trying to have some candid conversations about what each of you needs and wants in your marriage and how you can work together to make that happen.

Best wishes.
Thanks for your reply. To be honest, it's not so much that I mind having sex so often. He's really hot and the sex is always really good. Even when I really think I don't want to, he's able to seduce me and make me want to. It's that I don't *need* to have it as often as he apparently does, and i would like to be able to cut down to prepare for a future in which it just won't be possible to do it so often. We have talked about it, but nothing that we've agreed to has stuck, mostly because he can't seem to control himself and I haven't got the willpower to force it on him.

The other thing that he loves doing other than having sex is working out, and I think that might actually be contributing to his hyperactive libido. But I don't want him to stop working out just so his sex drive can be normal.

Last edited by TooMuchFun; 08-05-2011 at 05:33 PM.
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Old 08-05-2011, 05:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

I very much think your husband has an issue with anxiety and that may in part be sex addiction.

I have had issues with anxiety and some depression my whole life. I also could have sex with my wife 3 times a day every day if she would let me (we are no where close to that). Sex is a huge anxiety release and anxiety for a lot of people turns on their sex drive. For me, I get HORNY when anxious.

Really, I think the best thing may be him seeing IC for anxiety, stop smoking, and get on anti-anxiety medication.

I cannot stress how much I think this is the cause and root of this.

Has he ever had an issue with anxiety or depression? Has he ever had a panic attack? When you argue does he get anxious or push very hard? Could he go 3 days strait without coffee, sex, smoking, etc? If not, I think the answer lies there.
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Old 08-05-2011, 05:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I very much think your husband has an issue with anxiety and that may in part be sex addiction.

I have had issues with anxiety and some depression my whole life. I also could have sex with my wife 3 times a day every day if she would let me (we are no where close to that). Sex is a huge anxiety release and anxiety for a lot of people turns on their sex drive.

Really, I think the best thing may be him seeing IC for anxiety, stop smoking, and get on anti-anxiety medication.
Interesting observation. What was causing your anxiety? In my husband's case, the only time he gets stressed out or nervous is if he doesn't get sex. I can't think of anything else in his life that might be causing him to have anxiety or depression. He usually doesn't stress over other things, and is generally pretty laid-back otherwise.

BTW, to clarify, my husband doesn't smoke, but when he doesn't get his sex, he acts like a heavy smoker who hasn't had a cigarette in a while. I just meant that as a metaphor.
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Old 08-05-2011, 05:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Interesting observation. What was causing your anxiety? In my husband's case, the only time he gets stressed out or nervous is if he doesn't get sex. I can't think of anything else in his life that might be causing him to have anxiety or depression. He usually doesn't stress over other things, and is generally pretty laid-back otherwise.

BTW, to clarify, my husband doesn't smoke, but when he doesn't get his sex, he acts like a heavy smoker who hasn't had a cigarette in a while. I just meant that as a metaphor.
What was he like before you guys married? Or before you even met? What kind of relationships did he have?

I'm not sure it's really a problem unless both of you believe that it is a problem. However, you are right that there could be points in your married lives where you may not be able to accommodate so much. Is he satisfied if you do manual or oral stimulation on him, or does it always have to be intercourse?
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

this is the definition of "white people problems"

"my husband is great in bed, great husband, im very attracted to him and I love him... but he just wants me too much"


your a perfect example of why husbands should still game their wives... why they should still try to be aloof, semi-jerky, mysterious badboys even after they get married. The only reason your not into it is because he doesnt allow you to chase him... hes throwing it all on you ( all his love, all his attraction, all his whatever else) and the fact that he is great in bed, attractive, and a good husband means nothing because you get all of him without even trying.
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex ALL THE TIME

Wow. I would say he has a problem.

My husband and I both have high libidos (average 5-6 times a week) but your man sounds a little out of control with the fact that he can't do "life things" without NEEDING sex right that moment.
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