25 year old female with very low sex drive :/
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-05-2011, 11:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

Hi- I am 25 years old, I LOVE my fiance so very much. We both have full time jobs and two dogs that take up a lot of our time ). I have no self esteem issues what so ever, I a very confident person. Our relationship is very lovey and we truly are in love- never argue over the sex thing, it is more of me feeling guilty for him because he deserves it more. In the very beginning of our relationship, we were very sexually active- foreplay, everything. It has been 4 years now and my sex drive deminished about 2 years ago. It has nothing to do with him or our relationship- I just don't feel the want to have sex. I feel like I could easily do without it. We don't makeout and get all hot and steamy or anything- when we are going to have sex, it is more of like I am doing it just for him rather than for us and myself to enjoy. We are SO close that sometimes I almost feel awkward getting so sexually crazy with him without thinking about how goofy of a couple we really are. We barely have sex (. It's my fault. He takes it really well but I know he wants more (clearly). I get too uptight about letting myself go with it because in the back of my head I am talking to myself and trying to convice myself I am in the mood. I also get a little uncomfortable when he wants foreplay because I am just not feeling that foreplay stuff anymore. HELP. PLEASE. Tried to tell myself to let go of the thoughts running through my head and to be thankful I have someone that loves me no matter what. I just feel so bad..

Any advice would be great, please no negative comments like I am just being selfish or how dare I do that to him... I really want to fix this
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

Namoy,

You need to find your sexuality in your heart and find it quick. I too was young and married to a girl that loved me deeply. She lost her desire for sex like you and it drove a wedge between us eventually. It took 22 years and 3 children. Sex should be an open wonderful part of your relationship. The closer you are the more you should express it sexually. If he does not fill your needs now, let him go. If he does, then focus your sexual energy toward him and let if flow. You owe it to him to open up and try based on how you speak of him.
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Old 08-06-2011, 05:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

I would postpone your wedding.
A marriage cannot function without a fulfilling sexual relationship.
I would get therapy to explore whether you have negative associations with sex itself, or some mental association with your BF preventing you from feeling sexual.
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

Well you need to stop seeing him like he's your brother and start seeing him like your lover again.

I find what works with me is the less inhibited my fiance is about sex, the less inhibited I am. It helps when he uses dirty talk, sends me dirty messages and really gets into the all day foreplay, by being playful and sexual on and off all through the day. This gets me very turned on, so by the time I get to have sex I am very turned on and ready to go.

I also need to ask if you would say you are the one calling the shots in the relationship? Often when women feel they could perhaps walk all over a man, they lose respect for them and don't find them sexually attractive any more.

There are plenty of things he can do to make himself more attractive to you, and plenty of things you can do, like being open and honest about what turns you on in a man and what does not.
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

I think it's great that you recognize that this can be a problem. It's very common for the two partners to have different drives but if you're willing to work on things, you may find you can do things that bring a lot more enjoyment to sex for you and that can make you want it more often (and more steamy!).

I really understand what you're saying about the thoughts running your head, on the one hand you're telling yourself you're in the mood, on the other hand you're aware that you aren't really in the mood and the two 'voices' are making each other worse.. I think they are what are called "intrusive thoughts" - when the mind won't shut up and let you respond normally in a given situation. I am an anxious person, I get panic attacks too, and intrusive thoughts are a big part of that. It can happen during sex for me too - especially if we're doing something we've never done before or something that scares me (for no good reason, we don't do anything dangerous!!).

Some things that can help with the intrusive thoughts: (because I think if you can get a handle on these, it will help)

- Get really really turned on before you start touching each other. You can do this by lying next to each other in bed when you have lots of time, in the dark is better for concentration, and talk about having sex - start out a little vague, get more specific. Get to the point that you are SO turned on that you HAVE to have sex - and then have sex.

- Agree in advance how "far" you are going to go - stopping short of sex. For example, you are JUST going to talk about your fantasies tonight, and not have sex. That takes the pressure off of you having to get into the mental space of wanting to have sex. Another idea with this is just to kiss, nothing more. You say you don't make out - that is a really good place to start because it's a safe thing, you're not baring your soul about some kinky fantasy, you're just kissing your fiance.

- Tell him what's going on in your head. Since you are so close, he may be able to get you to a more tranquil place just by talking to you at the time it's happening, but he will need to know.

- Don't be afraid of being funny. Sex doesn't have to be serious all the time. If you guys joke around a lot and laugh a lot together, it's okay to have that when you have sex too - laughter reduces anxiety very quickly, and it can make you feel closer if you're starting to feel weird or disconnected during sex.
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Old 08-06-2011, 09:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

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Originally Posted by Syrum View Post
I also need to ask if you would say you are the one calling the shots in the relationship? Often when women feel they could perhaps walk all over a man, they lose respect for them and don't find them sexually attractive any more.
I agree. I do so much for mine that I get concerned about that issue myself. I do it because she really has a tough time with fibromyalgia and I want to take all the pressure off of her that I can but sometimes I force myself to be a little bossy and assertive. Its not really my nature to be that way but she needs it from time to time for the very reason you described.
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

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Well you need to stop seeing him like he's your brother and start seeing him like your lover again.
Simple, concise, and right on the money.

You are bonded to him ... but not ATTRACTED to him.

This very thing will be the crack in your foundation that ultimately grows into a chasm and contributes to the death of your marriage. And you ain't even married yet ...

Importantly, it isn't simply your problem to solve. There are likely things that your fiance is doing, or not doing, that keeps him in the 'BFF' category, rather than the lover category.

Seriously, the two of you need to figure it out ... probably with a professional. We often talk about married couples putting their relationship on 'cruise control' rather than treating it as something that MUST be tended to and worked on.

You are already there .... at age 25. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Do the work now, otherwise you will ultimately both lose ... with much higher stakes.
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Old 08-06-2011, 11:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

Namoy:

Good for you for recognizing that this is a problem. Understand that sex is an emotional as well as physical need for men, and it is the glue that keeps a marriage together. It bonds two very different people together to get through the hard times,

Think of yourself as a sexual creature. If you have any fantasies, indulge them. Gently let him know what you like. Sometimes you have to get started to get in the mood. Keep trying different things, and you two will have a wonderful relationship.
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Old 08-06-2011, 01:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

Hi Namoy,

In addition to all of the wonderful advice you've received here, I'd also highly suggest finding a copy of Women's Anatomy of Arousal.

It goes very in depth on women's sexuality, etc. and addresses low libido issues, reasons behind them, and solutions. Lots and lots of good info. If there's any way you can get your hands on it, do so
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

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I really want to fix this
Have you figured out what "this" is? What do you feel the core problem or problems are? What is it you want to fix? Getting comfortable in your relationship the way it is or changing it to something clearly outside your comfort zone now? What if nothing changed? What would happen? What is it about your zero-libido you think is going on? Not attracted to your finance? Not attracted to men in general? What do you think changed 'about 2 years ago'? And frankly, why has your 20-something non-married other stuck it out? What's keeping him? Is it that bad for him or is that your guess?
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Old 08-15-2011, 03:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/

I can relate. I am a 26 yr old female with low sex drive as well. I would say at around 24 it changed dramatically. My husband and I would go at in 3 and 4 times in one night. Definitely daily. I would get a handle on this before you are married. We were married 3 months ago and since then my sex drive has plunged. It leaves me feeling depressed sometimes and wondering what the hell is wrong with me? I do have self esteem issues and have gained weight though, and I think that is the main factor. But it seems like just the act of getting married has me wanting sex less?! We had more sex when we were dating and engaged and living in my MOMs house, then we do married in our own home!
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Old 08-20-2011, 12:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi- I am 25 years old, I LOVE my fiance so very much. We both have full time jobs and two dogs that take up a lot of our time ). I have no self esteem issues what so ever, I a very confident person. Our relationship is very lovey and we truly are in love- never argue over the sex thing, it is more of me feeling guilty for him because he deserves it more. In the very beginning of our relationship, we were very sexually active- foreplay, everything. It has been 4 years now and my sex drive deminished about 2 years ago. It has nothing to do with him or our relationship- I just don't feel the want to have sex. I feel like I could easily do without it. We don't makeout and get all hot and steamy or anything- when we are going to have sex, it is more of like I am doing it just for him rather than for us and myself to enjoy. We are SO close that sometimes I almost feel awkward getting so sexually crazy with him without thinking about how goofy of a couple we really are. We barely have sex (. It's my fault. He takes it really well but I know he wants more (clearly). I get too uptight about letting myself go with it because in the back of my head I am talking to myself and trying to convice myself I am in the mood. I also get a little uncomfortable when he wants foreplay because I am just not feeling that foreplay stuff anymore. HELP. PLEASE. Tried to tell myself to let go of the thoughts running through my head and to be thankful I have someone that loves me no matter what. I just feel so bad..

Any advice would be great, please no negative comments like I am just being selfish or how dare I do that to him... I really want to fix this

Good post Namoy:-)

First of all, this is NOT something YOU can fix. Your BF need to step up and be the MAN, not wussy. It has been mentioned other places in the thread - eg. someone commenting that her BF is taking the lead sexually, using dirty talk etc for her to be turned on (my interpretation). This does not happen simply by you not thinking of him like a brother anymore. HE has to change, it is that simple and that difficult. Do not neglect the importance of having a healthy sexlife, this should be fixed before you consider marriage.


Best wishes
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