Re: 25 year old female with very low sex drive :/
I think it's great that you recognize that this can be a problem. It's very common for the two partners to have different drives but if you're willing to work on things, you may find you can do things that bring a lot more enjoyment to sex for you and that can make you want it more often (and more steamy!).
I really understand what you're saying about the thoughts running your head, on the one hand you're telling yourself you're in the mood, on the other hand you're aware that you aren't really in the mood and the two 'voices' are making each other worse.. I think they are what are called "intrusive thoughts" - when the mind won't shut up and let you respond normally in a given situation. I am an anxious person, I get panic attacks too, and intrusive thoughts are a big part of that. It can happen during sex for me too - especially if we're doing something we've never done before or something that scares me (for no good reason, we don't do anything dangerous!!).
Some things that can help with the intrusive thoughts: (because I think if you can get a handle on these, it will help)
- Get really really turned on before you start touching each other. You can do this by lying next to each other in bed when you have lots of time, in the dark is better for concentration, and talk about having sex - start out a little vague, get more specific. Get to the point that you are SO turned on that you HAVE to have sex - and then have sex.
- Agree in advance how "far" you are going to go - stopping short of sex. For example, you are JUST going to talk about your fantasies tonight, and not have sex. That takes the pressure off of you having to get into the mental space of wanting to have sex. Another idea with this is just to kiss, nothing more. You say you don't make out - that is a really good place to start because it's a safe thing, you're not baring your soul about some kinky fantasy, you're just kissing your fiance.
- Tell him what's going on in your head. Since you are so close, he may be able to get you to a more tranquil place just by talking to you at the time it's happening, but he will need to know.
- Don't be afraid of being funny. Sex doesn't have to be serious all the time. If you guys joke around a lot and laugh a lot together, it's okay to have that when you have sex too - laughter reduces anxiety very quickly, and it can make you feel closer if you're starting to feel weird or disconnected during sex.