Short background: Wife and I are 40ish, 2 kids. Essentially sexless marriage for about 6 years. I have been trying to man up and more importantly, had a bit of a spiritual awakening, and am trying to enact change in our M. I do love my wife but she is very self-focused and does not easily "feel" what her words/actions do to others.
Anyway, I have really pulled back sexually (It is difficult for me to allow myself to be attracted to her sexually or enthused about sex with her based on our history), but realized this is just causing further harm - I am doing to her what she saw fit to do to me - withhold. So last night, I found my courage and decided to initiate.
I made it pretty much entirely about her as a way to try to re-boot. I was assertive about my intent, but not aggressive. She just laid there, unmoving and not making a sound the entire time. When she reached her climax, she made a slight noise and her head rocked for a couple seconds. She asked if she could reciprocate, and I said I wanted her to enjoy the feeling for now. She rolled over and was asleep in minutes.
I was a bit stunned... I don't know what I expected, but just something. She's been begging me to kickstart us for a few weeks now... and when I finally do - ZERO feedback. I just let my disappointment go. I went to bed unsatisfied and completely unsure whether she endured that or enjoyed it.
This morning, we woke up and she was discussing the kids and how she wants to re-do our deck. Rather than carry it around all day, I finally asked her, did she have fun last night. What I got was something that I can best equate to a review you might find on a clothing store web site.... "Overall it was pretty good, I liked xxx and yyy, but could have done without zzz and aaa. I appreciate you giving me an orgasm." And then back to the kids.
I tried one more take, and mentioned that maybe she could give me feedback during the event. "If I knew you didn't like it, I wouldn't have spent all the energy doing it. I could have done something else." Her: "So if I have criticisms I should tell you at the time?" Me: "How about telling me the GOOD things? Make some noise, or tell me in some way instead of laying there silently. I would rather chase the good noises than hear your complaints during sex." Her: "I will try to do that but it's really not me." (Which is true, as the years have gone on, she seems to just withdraw into herself more and more during sex.)
If it weren't for the fact that she insists she is attracted to me and wants me to keep going, I would assume she is not attracted to me and just move on. I wish I knew how to change this dynamic because I feel like I keep putting myself out there and taking nothing away from it. I *need* to feel something more than that to keep trying at this.
Anyway, I have really pulled back sexually (It is difficult for me to allow myself to be attracted to her sexually or enthused about sex with her based on our history), but realized this is just causing further harm - I am doing to her what she saw fit to do to me - withhold. So last night, I found my courage and decided to initiate.
I made it pretty much entirely about her as a way to try to re-boot. I was assertive about my intent, but not aggressive. She just laid there, unmoving and not making a sound the entire time. When she reached her climax, she made a slight noise and her head rocked for a couple seconds. She asked if she could reciprocate, and I said I wanted her to enjoy the feeling for now. She rolled over and was asleep in minutes.
I was a bit stunned... I don't know what I expected, but just something. She's been begging me to kickstart us for a few weeks now... and when I finally do - ZERO feedback. I just let my disappointment go. I went to bed unsatisfied and completely unsure whether she endured that or enjoyed it.
This morning, we woke up and she was discussing the kids and how she wants to re-do our deck. Rather than carry it around all day, I finally asked her, did she have fun last night. What I got was something that I can best equate to a review you might find on a clothing store web site.... "Overall it was pretty good, I liked xxx and yyy, but could have done without zzz and aaa. I appreciate you giving me an orgasm." And then back to the kids.
I tried one more take, and mentioned that maybe she could give me feedback during the event. "If I knew you didn't like it, I wouldn't have spent all the energy doing it. I could have done something else." Her: "So if I have criticisms I should tell you at the time?" Me: "How about telling me the GOOD things? Make some noise, or tell me in some way instead of laying there silently. I would rather chase the good noises than hear your complaints during sex." Her: "I will try to do that but it's really not me." (Which is true, as the years have gone on, she seems to just withdraw into herself more and more during sex.)
If it weren't for the fact that she insists she is attracted to me and wants me to keep going, I would assume she is not attracted to me and just move on. I wish I knew how to change this dynamic because I feel like I keep putting myself out there and taking nothing away from it. I *need* to feel something more than that to keep trying at this.